AN: omg so i startid playin sum moer biowear gams bcuz mess effect perspired me :D i liekd da wardin becuz she wus smart an resorseful an her romence wit alister was so kawi. Fangs 2 ma gurl gxk 4 diting
It all started at the Pearl...
I, Ravena Cousland, walked hand in hand with the stunningly gorgeous Alistair Theirin. He was a beautiful Grey Warden prince with a sexy, marble gleaming chest, a chiseled jaw covered in manly, strawberry blonde stubble, and a soothing yet chocolate voice. I was also a Grey Warden warrior who was strong yet lithe and had much shapely curves in the right places. It was so depressing and sad because my family died and I would soon die due to my Grey Warden nature, and so would Alistair because he is also a Grey Warden, but we were together now so it was ok. I knew that when the time came we would die gothically in each other's arms, in the Deep Roads, which are where the Grey Wardens go to die, and it would be darkly romantic. But for now, we were going to the Pearl to enjoy ourselves before our inevitable encounter with the evil archdemon.
Alistair was a virgin before he met me, but I had licked a lot of lampposts in the winter, so I totally knew how to sleep good with whores. I knew, even when faced with temptation, Ali would not cheat on me because I am a sex goddess! I just brought him with me to watch me sleep around and maybe to have a super hot threesome or something. We knew that even if I slept with other people, he was still my one true love and we were going to be married and become king and queen of Ferelden and die gothically in each other's arms in the Deep Roads. Just because I slept around a lot didn't mean I wasn't a perfect girlfriend.
So, the Pearl was filled with a lot of whores. We were supposed to go on some mission from a guard dude to do something, but really we were just there for the company. I went up to the Madame lady and was all like, "Excuse me, but we are the future king and queen of Ferelden and we need better whores. These are like Grade C- whores. We need the Grade A+ ones. Where do you keep them?"
The madame was all like, "Well, we only keep the lower class whores out usually for people like Zevran who come here all the time and are totally not loyal to their hot girlfriends. But in the back we have some whores who are reserved for sexy Grey Wardens like yourselves. So, are these whores for both of you or what?"
"God no," I said quickly, while Alistair blushed kawaiily. "He's just here for show. The whores are all for me." Then the madame was all like, "I thought so. It must be so hard to keep the whores away when you have such a hot bod. Anyway, you can come with me."
Alistair and I strutted through the Pearl with the madame. We passed a lot of Grade C- whores, and Alistair stuck his tongue out maturely at them because they weren't good enough for his true love. Then, we passed a chick who was probably a whore because she didn't wear pants, only super high boots. I was going to walk right passed her, but my cute Ali stopped.
"Ummm, Ali-bear, that is clearly not a Grade A+ whore what are you doing?" I asked tsunderishly.
"Excuse me," the Grade C- whore - actually more like a Grade F whore - said preppishly. "I am not a whore. I am a super kawaii pirate queen, and you should lick my boots in respect."
I snapped my fingers in a Z-formation at her, and gasped hotly. Then I was like, "We are the future king and queen of Ferelden! Right, Ali?" Except he was all like staring at her boobs totally inappropriately. I was shocked that my Alistair would stoop to a Grade F whore level.
"I dunno Ravena-babelicious, she seems like a pretty good whore to me," Alistair said purely and softly yet masculine and soothing.
"I'm not a whore!" the whore shouted stupidly. "I'm Isabella, the pirate queen!"
"Well, you're not very pretty!" I told her all truthfully and meanly. "In fact, you're probably a blood mage - that's why Alistair thinks your ugly face is hot, because you bewitched him - and I think you should leave the Pearl right now because I am a Grey Warden and also the future queen of Ferelden!"
Blood mages are like really bad mages that Alistair hates and I do too because I love Alistair. They use blood and stuff to do magic, which is against the circle of magi and also the templars. Also, they're all ugly and witches.
"I'm not even a mage!" the whore blood mage yelled. "Or a whore! I am a rouge, beautiful, sexy pirate queen, dammit!" OMG that bitch Lelianna was a rouge, but I killed her because she tempted my Alibear to cheat. I killed her when we went to the urn of sacred ashes, because she got mad when I peed in it, so I had to kill her because desecrating sacred things is so much fun. Also, so was Zevran a rouge and he is a whore also and dumb - I only keep him around to pick locks and he even sucks at that.
"Umm, Isabella, you are making too much noise, you are annoying the clients and also the beautiful Grey Wardens," said the madame. "You are totally fired from being a whore and you have to leave right now."
"But I'm not even a whore!" yelled Isabella and she flipped her hair and walked angrily out of the Pearl. Alistair stared at her even when she was leaving! That was so unchaste. He should know better because he's a templar and also only I'm allowed to look at whores.
Then, we went to a super special room where only the Grade A+ Grey Warden approved whores were, and I had lots of sex and Alistair watched. We had threesomes too. Also, I was going to have a super hot foursome with Zevran and Lelianna, except I killed them so I couldn't. But it's okay because the other whores were hot.