TENUTO
Henrik had promised to come with me tomorrow.
I have to ask, the idea of going to the funeral is hard to accept.
I have to go, for Hans, for me.
There will be the whole office in attendance, beside Hans' relatives that I already know: sons, ex wife, sister, also the cousin dentist I met when I collected Hans from a tooth surgery.
Also John greeted me with a see-you-tomorrow sad smile.
I asked Henrik to come with me, this case was too strained for my nerves. My blood pressure isn't regular. I never told Hans, I wish I had.
My doctor wants me to keep it monitored and written on a sheet because three months ago I had an episode of reduced sensitivity in my left hand and wrist. It lasted too long to be ignored and he prescribed me pills in case the pressure is too high, scheduling a consult with a specialist for next month.
From my medicine texts I suspect a minimal stress induced cerebral hemorrhage, after a two weeks case with very few hours of sleep.
I'll insist for a CT scan with the specialist.
This social event is tough for me, Henrik can tell me how I'm supposed to behave. I miss Martin's direct way of helping me with people.
Henrik is different, I understand when I behave in an odd way just looking at him, without words.
Hans was a boss, a mentor, a sort of father, for a long time.
First Martin, now Hans.
My nights once were quiet and now they're getting sleepless.
I've used his sleeping pills more than once, without telling him, a little ashamed of being weak, to be considered in need of tranquillizers.
Tonight my bed is empty, after a series of nights spent with him, at his or my place.
He's busy with his boss, I'm busy with my report.
Tomorrow we'll meet at the chapel at 9.55.
I'm tired, I foresee a good sleep, first an Indian curry from my microwave oven, a hot shower and fresh sheets. I haven't sleep here for a few nights, his bed was so soft and warm. Off the old ones, smelling of us, of sex, the stains of our mixed bodily fluids.
Case ended, tomorrow a new one, a new start.
GRAVE
Lilian drives her car so the pills are hidden in my glove compartment, I never dare to take them inside my house or at the office.
If I need them during the day I go to the parking with an excuse.
Nobody suspects me. At work we're always busy, concentrated and continuously going in and out and everyone often mind his own business.
I keep people at distance, my life is private, when I happen to meet somebody outside work I just offer a polite smile and slide away. Once at a club meeting, a chamber concert, I saw in the attendance Hans and Lillian, holding hands, so I swiftly removed the find me tag and pretended to be there just for the music.
I need something to help me up, this crossing of the bridge to see Alice's burial place is making me feel awful, my whole body is shaking without control. Lillian looks at me and stays silent, she knows what I feel, I know what she feels.
We both lost our spouses, in a cruel way.
She does love Hans, while I've been an unfaithful husband, angry at Alice when she disappeared. If she'd come back to me, now, will I be able to tell her the truth about the nights of casual sex, always with strangers, refusing to see them a second time.
Except Saga.
The four pylons signal we're close. I need to see it, need to feel it real, after living with a ghost for five years. Her body, what remains of her, is inaccessible until tomorrow in Lund.
I want to see the place to get a clue for my girls. This uncertainty about their whereabouts is the worst part.
Their unknown fate.
My God it is unbearable, a torture, the most horrible scenario, the one I never dared to imagine.