Disclaimer: If you think that this belongs to the glorious J.K. Rowling, you're sadly mistaken. She has much more self restraint when it comes to her characters.
Harry James Potter, of number four, Privet Drive was not proud to say that he was doomed, thank you very much.
D-O-O-M-E-D. Kaput. Absolutely screwed. About to go down in a whirl of flames and a drawn out high pitched scream of "NOOOOOOOO!"
Probably in the most embarrassing way possible, if his luck was anything to go by. The prophecy Dumbledore had oh-so-nicely decided to just drop at the WORST POSSIBLE moment in the history of Harry's existence (though being bitten by a sixty foot basilisk was a close second) was a death sentence of epic proportions. Granted, he might be stating the facts a tad dramatically, but Harry knew he was about to die. Probably in a flash of green light as Voldemort cackled like a demented school girl.
Tommy was already halfway there. A diary, an obsession with a famous teenage boy… Harry was almost convinced he had a locket and a tiara stashed away somewhere, waiting for dress-up.
Not that he'd ever admit his suspicions to anyone. They'd just been convinced he wasn't one hundred percent crazy - no need to tell them otherwise.
Harry still didn't want to die, though. He had so much stuff to do still! So many things to try! He was only fifteen for Merlin's sake. No man should die without getting completely drunk and dancing on the bar in a leotard at least once.
Harry walked down the perfect lawns of Privet drive, occasionally kicking a loose pebble. As he turned the corner, he passed two younger boys in a heated discussion completely oblivious to their surroundings.
The kid on the right slammed a sneaker to the concrete. "Naw, man, you gotta ask her again!"
The one on the left fiddled with a crooked baseball cap. "I dunno, bro. That detention slip was pretty serious."
That clearly wasn't enough for the other boy. He snapped his fingers in a with an 'uh uh' expression. "If you don't ask, man, you'll have "molested the school pet" on your record forever!"
"I just wanted to know if Pencil the hamster was male or not!"
The other didn't dignify this with a response.
The second boy sighed. "I dunno, man. She might make me categorize the school health textbooks again just for asking."
The first boy raised an eyebrow. "YOLO, man. You only live once."
"Really man? The YOLO card? Now I have to do it!"
Harry passed the two boys, heading to the park to sit on the remaining unbroken swing. Something they had said just wouldn't get out of his head. YOLO. He was gonna die soon, right? Why not make the most of it? He wouldn't have to face the consequences of his actions. He could do whatever he wanted!
Jumping up decisively from the swing, Harry sped out of the park to grab his wand. One couldn't wreak proper Marauder havok without a wand, after all, and Harry wanted to try his hand at his father's business.
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High up above, in a place that may or may not exist:
"Achoo!"
"Bless you."
"Wanna go fishing?"
"Why not?"
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As he walked away from the house, Harry glanced at the garden. He was feeling spontaneous. Pulling his wand from behind his ear (Luna really was a genius) he twirled it in the direction of the perfect flower beds.
"Huh. That wasn't supposed to happen," said Harry.
Shrugging it off, Harry continued on his way.
Behind him, an orange beak peeked around the corner of the house.
As a thought struck him, Harry stopped dead in the driveway. Because of the Dursleys, Harry had never really had the chance to be a kid. They hadn't let him be immature and mess around at all - it was always do this and do that. Now was his chance! No one would care! (Well, they would, but Harry wouldn't!)
Settling on that thought, Harry continued on his path, skipping instead of walking.
If the woman in Number five gave him a weird look, Harry didn't seem affected by it.
It wasn't long before he had reached the supermarket. Harry had always hated the place - Aunt Petunia was friends with the manager because his wife was part of her bridge club - and had told him all about Harry's 'criminal activities.' The man always made sure Harry's shopping experience was a bad one.
Harry would have passed the evil food store by, but… YOLO.
He passed through the sliding glass doors. Feeling in a mood for some cheese and crackers, Harry headed to the freezer aisle, passing some nice gentlemen in black masks having a friendly conversation with the cashier. There was a loud crack behind him, but Harry kept walking, figuring the nice gentlemen would help the cashier with whatever he had dropped.
Probably one of those glass figurines by the gum Petunia always admired when she came to do the shopping herself.
"Hey you! Where do you think you're going?!"
Perhaps they were talking to him? Harry turned around to find that one of the gentlemen was holding a muggle gun pointed at him.
Harry was loath to forsake his manners in any situation, however, and good sport demanded he answer. "The frozen isle, kind sir!"
The gunman growled. Was it his tone? Harry thought he'd been decent enough, but you never knew with gun wielding gunmen with guns gunning for your head. Maybe the maniac was in need of help.
Deciding to be a good samaritan (because YOLO), Harry said, "Are you looking for the bank? It's down on the corner on Myrtle street."
The gunman put his gun away. "Thanks! We're a bit new to the whole murdering thieves gig. This man was ever so rude when we asked for directions."
The cashier trembled and scooted further under the counter. The second gunman, paying no attention to the one talking, grabbed a pack of bubblicious bubble gum from the stand and popped some in his mouth.
"May I have some?" asked Harry.
"Some what?" said the first gunman.
"Sure," said the second. He handed Harry the bubble gum packet. Harry unwrapped some and popped it in his mouth as the first gunman rounded on the second.
Grabbing the second's chin to stop him from chewing, he shouted, "You're only allowed sugar free!"
Looking ashamed, the second gunman (gum man?) spit out the wadded up piece of gum in the other's hand. Feeling that this was settled, Harry prepared to continue in his search for cheese and crackers when he remembered that he'd never seen a real live bank heist before.
"Do you mind if I tag along on your adventure?"
"Yes," said the gunman.
"Oh well," Harry exclaimed, continuing on his way. "Maybe some other time."
"Oh, no, I meant yes you may come," the gunman said happily.
"Wonderful!"
The gunman and gum man walked out down the street to the bank. "Why're you out and about today?"
Harry was still skipping (walking was for amateurs) as he replied, "Oh, you know. YOLO."
The gum man nodded sagely. "Tis a good reason, kid-who's-name-I-do-not-know."
"I'm Harry," said Harry.
"No you're not," said the gum man. "You look quite clean shaven to me."
"Lotions," said Harry.
"That explains it. I'm Richard," said the gum man.
"Surely you can't be Sirius," said Harry.
"Richard, not Shirley," grumbled the gum man.
"Yes, it was a stupid statement," said Harry. "I know you're not my dogfather."
This clearly made no sense to the gum man and gunman, but neither said anything on it as they walked up to the bank. Bursting inside, the gum man and gunman pulled out their respective weapons - a handgun polished to a shine and a pack of bubble gum.
"To the ground!"
Terrified, the patrons and employees of the bank fell to the floor in surrender, but Harry was too distracted to notice.
Turning to the gum man (who was nearby) he asked, "Is that like for Narnia?"
The gum man didn't reply, though, because he and the gunman were looking for the reason that they had come.
"Aha! Behold the First National Bank pen!"
The gunman held his prize up to the light from the bank's skylights as the gum man emptied the box of stereotypical pens most businesses had for bored customers to write on their hands with. That was all they had time for, because the sound of sirens in the distance had gotten louder. Waving to Harry, the two of them took off down Myrtle street.
Harry watched them go, realizing he had never gotten the gunman's name.
The police barged in, guns drawn, before realizing the gunman and gum man were long gone. They quickly split up to talk to witnesses. One portly man came over to talk to Harry.
"Hello, son. I'm sorry you had to see that. I know you probably want to go home, but could you tell us what you saw?" He leaned forward towards Harry, and his pot belly jiggled.
"When?" asked Harry.
"Just now," said the policeman.
"Oh," Harry said, smiling at him. "It was the strangest thing. A bunch of men in blue came rushing in and-"
"Hold up just a second," said the policeman. "Yo, Joe! Can you come help me with this?"
A fit young man with blonde hair and blue eyes jogged over. "Sure, Matt. Whatcha need?"
"Help with this kid."
"Hey!" exclaimed Harry.
The young blonde man met Harry's eyes. "Know anything about the gunmen, kid?"
"Yeah," said Harry. "One of them is called Shirley and he can't have non sugar free gum."
"Oh," said the blonde man.
"Thanks Joe," said Matt.
Joe left to go talk to more witnesses.
"He doesn't seem too average to me," said Harry.
"He's not," agreed Matt, still looking over his shoulder at where Joe had gone.
Eventually, he turned back around. "I suppose you're free to go, kid."
Taking that as the dismissal it was, Harry continued on his way out the bank. He stopped at the register to grab a pen, but decided he didn't like the color. One color change charm later, he was out the door with a wand behind one ear and a pink pen comfortably behind the other.
Harry made it precisely six and a half feet from the door of the bank before running into Trouble.
"Harry Potter, of Number four Privet Drive, you are hereby under arrest for underage magic."
Harry ran smack dab into the auror and his very official looking scroll of underage magic doom.
His partener, auror Toil, asked if auror Trouble was alright before lifting both Harry and her coworker off the ground. Both aurors then turned to Harry and brushed him off. Auror Toil did not look too happy.
"Mr. Potter, I am afraid I will have to take you to the Ministry of Magic for battery on an auror."
"But your partner doesn't have a muggle battery on him anywhere!"
"Not that kind of battery, Mr. Potter."
"Aw, fiddlesticks."
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High above, in a place that may or may not exist:
Destiny turned to Time. "Have you seen Logic or Reason today?"
Time slowly turned to face her. "Not…. Today…."
Destiny frowned. "That's not good."
"Maybe…. They…. Did…. Not… Come…. To…. The…. Office….?"
Destiny tapped a prophecy globe on the desk. "What about Sanity? Have you seen her today?"
"Nope…"
"Oh no! Do you think-"
"Not… Today…"
Destiny sat back in her desk chair. Now that she thought about it, something did seem a little off about her prophesied hero. She just couldn't put her finger on it…
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Amelia Bones glared at the offender in front of her. "Mr. Case, I don't see how we end up in the same situation every Tuesday."
The man across from her gave a blinding smile. "How many times do I have to ask you to call me Basquette, Amelia? We should be on a first name basis by now!"
A Ministry of Magic Magical Mail Missive flew into the office. Holding up a finger to silence Basquette, Amelia grabbed the paper and daintily unfolded it. The farther she read, the deeper her frown became.
"I'm sorry Mr. Case. We will have to finish this at a later time. I have urgent business to attend to."
Amelia swept out of the office.
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Harry Potter waited in the Ministry holding cell, making Voldemort-esque anagrams of his name. None of them were really good. Who would want to be known as Her Major Tapestry anyway? He was not a carpet. Maybe he could ask Luna… No, better not.
"Mr. Potter?" Asked Amelia Bones, sticking her head into the holding cell.
"Nope," said Harry.
Amelia blinked and glanced back down at her standard Auror issue clipboard. "I'm pretty sure you are, mister."
"Nope," repeated Harry.
Amelia was annoyed now. "Well then who are you?"
"Her Major Tapestry."
Amelia closed her eyes to the boy she was now certain was Harry Potter and took a deep breath.
Harry sensed her frustration. "I have no idea how Tommy does it. Real names make so much more sense."
Amelia looked confused but tried not to show it. "Very well, Mr. Potter. Let us go to your trial."
Amelia led Harry through the atrium, brushing past employees and random civilians that just happened to be wandering around waiting for something dramatic to happen.
Meanwhile…
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"CRUCIO!"
Lord Voldemort's crimson eyes narrowed to slits as he glared at the quivering form on the floor. "Wormtail…"
He let the end of the word hang ominously in typical messed-up-as-a-child-so-I'm-gonna-take-over-the-world criminal psychopath style. Wormtail didn't notice as he was trying to stop shaking. Lord Voldemort would not be pleased if he was unable to serve. It would probably end in another cruciatus.
"Yes, m-my Lord?"
Voldemort settled down on his black overlord throne of doom. "What is the latest news from the idiotic Ministry?"
Wormtail's nose twitched - Voldemort absentmindedly wondered if the rat like man would make good food for Nagini. Sensing impending doom, Wormtail bowed lower.
"Well?"
"Yes, Milord. The Potter boy has been brought in for another trial for underage magic. He is in the holding cells as we speak."
"WHAT! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, SPINELESS WORM?! CRUCIO!"
Wormtail writhed on the floor under the curse as Voldemort paced back and forth, shoeless, on the tile of Malfoy Manor. His feet were purple with cold, but the snake like man didn't seem to notice. Finally, he lifted the curse.
"Wormtail, get the others. We leave at once."
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As Harry and Amelia walked through the atrium, there was a loud crack.
"Oh, look! A knut!"
Harry bent down to pick up the shiny bronze coin, just as Voldemort's silent Avada Kedavra flew over his head.
"Die, foolish boy!"
Harry dropped the knut and spun on his heels to face his evil nemesis. "It's the Zoo!"
Voldemort stopped taking potshots at screaming ministry employees to focus his full and undivided attention on the fifteen, soon to be sixteen year old. Despite his common sense and evil overlord outlook, the comment was too weird not to ask.
"Zoo? Where is Dumbledore to protect you now, boy? No talk of Zoos will save you this time." He completely ignored the fact Harry had never mentioned a Zoo before. He had an evil monologue, and he planned to stick to it! Voldemort gestured with his wand to the scorch marks on the floor and now almost empty atrium. His Death Eaters lined up menacingly behind him.
Harry didn't seem to notice, and continued on in a cheery tone. "Yeah! There's the snake, the rat, the peacock," he pointed at Malfoy before continuing, "you even have a pig and a vulture!"
Bellatrix and Rowle managed to look affronted and menacing at the same time. Well, at least Bellatrix managed. Rowle not so much. The glare didn't have the same effect when it came from someone who was so round.
Voldemort sent another menacing glare Harry's way. "You dare?"
It didn't perturb Harry at all. "Yep!"
Voldemort hissed (snakes don't growl) and shot a killing curse at an employee. The man let out a shriek before he collapsed to the floor in terror. The curse flew over his head.
Harry frowned at Voldemort like a reproving parent. "That wasn't very nice!"
"Nice, Potter? You think I care about nice? I want you dead!"
"Sheesh. Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe it was something you ate?"
Voldemort sent another killing curse at Harry, who ducked.
Gesturing to his Death Eaters, Voldemort and Co. began to surround Harry. Voldemort clearly thought he was going to win, because he began his pre-murder monologue.
"Little Harry Potter, all alone… You're going to die this time, Harry, there's no one to protect you now… Your parents are dead, your mutt of a godfather is gone for good. Bow to death Harry, because it comes in the form of Lord Voldemort!"
Voldemort leveled his wand at Harry and prepared to fire in an overly dramatic fashion. Before he could, however, Harry yelled the most fear inspiring battle cry he could think of.
"YOLO!"
Nothing happened.
Harry frowned as he glanced at his watch. Voldemort and his Death Eaters exchanged a few baffled glances.
Harry suddenly facepalmed. "Of course, how could I forget! The hero always yells attack! ATTACK!"
As one, one hundred and forty two penguins rushed Voldemort. They fell from the rafters, flopped from the floo, and poured out of the elevators. Harry's rainbow penguin army, formerly known as Aunt Petunia's garden, charged the Death Eaters and their very confused leader.
Voldemort wasn't stunned forever, though. He started shouting curses, felling penguins left and right. Each time one was knocked down, his or her companions let out indignant squawks and waddled furiously toward the culprit.
As most well educated people know, penguins are not the most advantageous species to make an army out of. They were ungainly and fell all over each other, and were noisy, nixing any sort of surprise attack. They also made quite the mess all over the atrium floor.
Harry commanded his troops well, however, (twice he yelled, "Attack the ones with the creepy black robes!") and sheer numbers began to overwhelm the Death Eaters.
Voldemort screeched as a pink penguin left a present on the hem of his robes. "Bloody birds! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
He punctuated each 'die' with a ferocious kick. One penguin was sent hurdling into the fountain.
This was the final straw for Harry. Summoning his courage, he yelled the phrase he had looked up in Latin on Google Translate during his brief stay at the Dursleys. He was bored, and Dudley had left his computer unattended. This was all his cousin's fault, really.
"Tu es enim propter cibum!"
Voldemort, overwhelmed by the penguin onslaught, didn't notice the spell until it was too late. It hit him square in the chest, directly over his heart. His mouth opened in a silent scream as he toppled backward, landing on the penguins behind him. His hand thudded to the floor, wand rolling from his fingertips as his eyes fixed blankly at the ceiling.
And then Voldemort turned into a unicorn.
"Huh," said Harry, looking at the equine Dark Lord. "I did not expect that to work. You are what you eat indeed."
One of his penguins cooed in agreement.
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"YOU IMBECILIC MORONS! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"
Reason, Logic, and Sanity, who had been sneaking in the back door, froze.
"Well?!"
If there was one thing all three of them knew, it was that a mad Destiny was a scary Destiny. Slowly, they turned to face her. She was livid, hands-on-hips and glare of doom and all.
Reason, still clutching his fishing pole, thrust it in front of him like the incriminating evidence it was. "We went fishing?"
Destiny took a menacing step forward.
Sanity jumped behind Logic as the two of them cowered behind Reason. "Sorry! We're sorry! We'll fix it! Please no more insane, illogical, unreasonable destinies!"
Destiny continued to glower. "I have a prophesied hero who just defeated the Dark Lord with penguins! Penguins! You better hope that Time can reverse this, or you'll be even more sorry!"
Reason tilted his head. "Penguins… Hmmm. Nope. Completely unreasonable."
Um. Three guesses what brought this on, and ones that don't start with 'the internet' are disqualified. Yeah... So I got a bit bored. No harm done, right? Oh, and Blizzard, if you haven't already guessed: the penguins are for you. May your Rainbow Penguin army triumph! No really, go and take over the world. My pineapple ninjas will help.