A/N: you know that phrase 'every villain in a hero to themselves?' well i jokingly said i should write a fic about Ozai and now here we are goodbye i h8 myself. (ps i know what the comics said but if i cared what they said we wouldn't be here now would we) ((ps #2 don't take my author's notes seriously ever pls and thank u)) (((ps#3 let's call this style of writing super minimalist or something bc i'm trying something new here))) ((((ps #4 if you prefer having ages in the story to orient you, the first scene starts with 6/7 year old ozai, and every subsequent scene ages him up one year until it reaches lu ten's birth. i didn't find it necessary to put his age in the story since it's implied he's growing up, but if that helps you can think of it that way))))
He runs down the hall, boots clanking, oversized armor hitting his tiny, heaving chest, until he reaches the line of soldiers all dressed in red, ready to leave the palace grounds and go off to war. He's shorter than the rest of them; they'd never see him if they looked straight ahead, and deep down, in his aching, beating heart, he knows he doesn't belong here, but he wants to. He wants to.
"I'm ready," he says. "I'm here." His voice is too high pitched; he hears the shrillness of it echo off the tall, burgundy walls. He walks up to Iroh, his only brother and tries to catch his breath. It doesn't matter that he's young. It doesn't matter that he's small. He's ready and determined to serve his nation. He can do it. He knows he can. Ozai tries to square his shoulders and look as grand and domineering as the soldiers that surround him. Iroh is the only one who looks at him, and he smiles, but there is no happiness behind it.
"I know, Ozai," Iroh says. "But you must stay here, in the palace, where our father needs you the most."
"But I can help," Ozai says. The words leave his mouth in a garbled whisper. He sounds like he's about to cry, and that's unacceptable. Soldiers don't cry. Soldiers don't show weakness. He stands a littler taller and hopes that if he looks convincing, his voice will follow suit.
"I know you can," Iroh replies. He hugs Ozai, and Ozai finds his head buried in the stomach of his older brother. When Iroh finally peels away, Ozai stares at the ground to make sure no one sees the tears well up in his eyes. It's never appropriate to show weakness like this. He can't give anyone more of a reason to doubt him.
When the fleet boards their ship and sets out to the Earth Kingdom, Ozai spends the rest of the day in his armor, roaming the lonely hallways.
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Iroh comes home, infrequently, with lavish gifts and stories to tell. Azulon and Ilah listen with interest to it all, his adventures in Omashu, his encounters and battles with the enemy. Ozai doesn't mind the slight loss of attention. When Iroh's home, he's all anyone wants to focus on, but it's a nice change of pace. Granted, there's not much to do when Iroh's home; Ozai's lessons are cut short so the he may have more time to spend with his older brother, but there's only so many times they can play Capture The Dragon or Earth Kingdom Conquest before Ozai remembers that Iroh's a little too old for these childish games. Still, there's even less to do when Iroh's gone, and so, Ozai challenges Iroh to one more game, just one more game before the latter sets off for war again.
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Azulon is a serious man, and as such, he smiles very rarely. He smiles on the days Iroh comes home after being deployed for far too long. He smiles during family vacations to Ember Island when they crowd together in the hot sun to get their portrait painted. He smiles the first day Ozai demonstrates the ability to firebend.
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Ozai proves to have the potential to become a strong academic, more so than most of the princes who came before him. He's too young to make the call yet for sure, but his tutors assure Azulon that he has promise, so long as he stays motivated.
There's nothing for Ozai to do in the palace, nothing at all. He's still too young to attend war meetings but he's getting too old for his childish games. He does the only thing he can do, trapped in a prison of wealth. He seeks knowledge. He spends his nights reading books and scrolls, practicing his calligraphy under dim candlelight. When Iroh comes home from battle, Ozai always has new facts he's eager to share to willing ears.
"You're becoming quite the young man," Iroh says. "Maybe one day, you'll surpass me."
When Iroh sets off again, Ozai transcribes this phrase on a scroll he hides in his room, to read every night before he goes to bed.
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He has a friend, Ursa, who comes by the palace from time to time when their parents allow it. She's the daughter of a nobleman, and embodies every part of it. She's quiet and honest and polite, but she has unique little quirks that make her stand out from the rest of their peers. She loves theater and production and she knows a lot about nature, more than any tutors or scrolls Ozai has ever encountered. When she comes to visit, they sit by the turtleduck pond and she listens to him talk about anything and everything. He tells her about all the things he learns from his tutors, how he's going to join his brother in war and become the greatest general their nation has ever seen. No matter how extravagant his ideas are, Ursa always smiles and tells him that she believes in him. It's an interesting thought, having someone who already believes in him.
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The older he gets, the less necessary his tutors seem. It's almost as if he knows more than they; he answers all their questions about history and mechanics, he aces his way through names and dates of important people and places. Every once in a while, he says something that even his tutors have to verify for it's correctness. He realizes then that knowledge is true power and when he exerts his extensive memory of information, people begin to respect him.
He does not know yet, that some of this respect is rooted in fear.
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It occurs to Ozai that there is no reason for him to go to war. He has no interest in fighting like he'd had years ago, running down hallways to meet his older brother before his first deployment. Iroh has steadily climbed the ranks in the army over the years and Ozai knows he'll never catch up, even if he wanted to. Iroh's specialty is being on the field. But no, not Ozai. His calling lies elsewhere. He was meant to read and learn and discover things to make their nation better. He's sure of it.
Now when Iroh comes home, Ozai keeps some of the information he's learning to himself. He's finally found something that's all his, and he's unwilling to share.
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Ursa becomes the greatest teacher Ozai ever has. She tells him about flowers and how to tell which plants are poisonous. She tells him how to carve rocks and wood and other natural elements to make them into masks, the kind of masks Ursa's own mother used to wear when she performed in plays as a young girl. Ursa even tells him how to coo at turtleducks to get them to eat from his palm, and how, no matter how controlled, firebending always scares them into hiding. He tests out her theory and creates a small, warm flame, and just as Ursa predicts, the turtleducks swim away in terror. Ozai rolls his eyes at their cowardice and lets the flame flare up before dissipating entirely.
Ursa, on the other hand, never flinches.
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His parents tease him, because he is now of age to go to war, but more practically, he is old enough to marry, should he see fit. They bring it up to Iroh when he comes home, and Ozai now has three people asking him who he wants to choose as his wife. He tries to hide behind his blushing cheeks and mildly embarrassed mumbling, but for the first time since he was a young boy, Ozai is faced with a question that he does not have an answer to.
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They never were close per se; Iroh is a decade, give or take a few years, older than Ozai, and for a great deal of Ozai's childhood, Iroh was rarely home. For them to not be the close knit or even competitive brothers, is unsurprising. But they disagree now, and often, on many things. Battle strategies, economics, foreign policy. Ozai knows his brother means well; he's a kind man with an unburdened heart, but it's hard to imagine that this unread man will someday be the ruler of their nation.
Ozai makes a list of things Iroh should brush up on if he's truly to become the ruler of their nation, but never gives it to him.
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People are not like turtleducks; they think and learn and emote and understand, but when Ozai bends fire at them, they fear him just the same.
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Ursa teaches Ozai how to kiss, or at least he credits her with this skill as she is the first, and only girl he ever courts. It's strange and awkward and he doesn't know what he's doing. For all his studying and reading and researching, he never learned a thing about romance, so when she asks that they walk through the palace garden, and stops him to place a kiss on his lips, he stands still, and hopes that when it ends, she will still care for him as much as she did before.
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He jokingly asks his mother what she would do if Iroh came home with an Earth Kingdom girl. He doesn't mean anything by it. He knows Iroh can be a bit... odd when it comes to certain things, but he'd certainly never dishonor the Fire Nation by marrying a woman of tainted descent. Ilah doesn't laugh at this suggestion. She sends him to his room, which is hardly a punishment, as it gives Ozai an excuse to read more.
Still, he entertains the idea of Iroh returning home with a quirky story of how he met the woman of his dreams in the middle of war, and nothing would be less surprising to Ozai than that.
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There's one dinner, at summer's end, when Iroh's home and drinking wine with Ozai to celebrate Iroh killing the last dragons. Ozai hates the taste of wine but Iroh drinks it without incident, so he sucks it up and downs the contents of his glass while the rest of the palace lights up to commemorate yet another of Iroh's achievements. Ozai isn't jealous of this; he knows that the accomplishments Iroh has in war are far more tangible than his accomplishments with academia. His time to be celebrated will come, but it is not now. He can be patient.
Somewhere in the back of Ozai's tipsy mind, he wonders how Iroh of all people would've found it in him to the kill the dragons, but the thought is forgotten with every extra drop of wine he drinks.
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It's sudden when Fire Lady Ilah passes. She complains of feeling ill in the weeks before her death, but not loudly. She complains, but not often. Ozai wonders if her death was really all that sudden or if, somehow, they could've helped his mother sooner so that she may still be apart of this Earth now. Azulon tells him not to speak like that, and it's the last time Ozai mentions his mother.
The day after Ilah passes, the nation wears white. The palace feels larger with one less body to occupy it.
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"I love you," Ozai says, and the words feel strange when they leave his lips. He's never said it before to anyone outside of family, and even then, the phrase was used sparingly, but he's certain that he must feel that way for Ursa. She's grown up to be so lovely, so agreeable, so wonderful, that he can't imagine him feeling like this for any other woman. He takes her hand in his and adds, "I'd give you the world."
She brings his hand up to her lips so she can kiss his knuckles and replies, "You don't have to."
.
The only time Azulon hits Ozai is when he's defending his brother for announcing that he is having a baby out of wedlock. As with most of Iroh's actions nowadays, Ozai doesn't agree with it all, not by a long shot, but he admires Iroh's ability to own up to his mistakes and so Ozai speaks up, only to be punished for his incredibly emotional response. Ozai sits on the ground where he'd fallen after the force of Azulon's hand had rendered him off balance and nurses his stinging cheek. It's silent. Azulon leaves his sons with a single reminder; "Never defend anyone who would do something so foolish." Iroh hangs his head in shame. Ozai isn't sure how much time passes before Iroh attempts to console his him, to thank him for sticking up for him, but Ozai swats him away.
This is a different kind of lesson for Ozai, one that cannot be taught in a classroom or from a scroll to be stored in his mind until later. This is the kind of lesson that teaches Ozai to change himself.
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Lu Ten is born a few weeks after Ozai and Ursa announce their engagement and Ozai wonders where the time went. He remembers his childhood vividly, and now, suddenly, he and Iroh are grown, starting families, becoming adults.
The day Lu Ten is born, they also experience loss.
Lu Ten's mother is a lovely woman from what Ozai knows of her, but the cards of fate aren't in her favor. After dozens of nurses dote on her, after hours of strenous labor, the mother of Iroh's son is pronounced dead. The palace wears all white to mourn the loss of the woman who gave life to the new Crown Prince, with everyone sending their condolences to Iroh, and his son who will never know the woman who carried him.
Azulon mentions in passing that this is a blessing in disguise, and they will never have to acknowledge Lu Ten's origins as a bastard child. They can tell the nation that Iroh chose to marry in private and was going to announce the news on the date of his son's birth, but unfortunately, his wife passed before their relationship could even be acknowledged.
Ozai knows morally that this is wrong, but he knows better than to succumb to his emotions.
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He gives Ursa a mask after their wedding ceremony. It's plain, gray, and not very detailed at all, but he made it himself, and that's what matters to her. Her name is inscribed on the inside of it, and when she holds him, tears of joy rolling down her cheeks, she says, "I'll never let you go."
It's illogical, but he believes her.
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Everything is red; the sheets, the walls, the floors, but her eyes are gold, and her skin is as white as the dress he peels from her body on the first night they spend together consummating their love.
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Ozai hopes he'll have a son like Lu Ten. Even though Lu Ten is still just a young boy, no more than thirteen years old, the nation knows he will be a great Fire Lord. He's obedient, and quick witted and loyal, and Ozai thinks, if he'd had a stronger relationship with Iroh, that he'd tease his brother and ask how such a jolly, carefree man fathered such a disciplined young boy. Instead, Ozai regards his nephew with high esteem, and when Ursa finally discovers that she herself is with child, Ozai hopes and prays with all that is in him that his child will be just like Lu Ten.
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Ozai has not one child, but two, and he realizes now more than ever that emotional attachment will set people up for failure. Azula, despite being younger, understands early how to be independent. He sees himself in her in all that she does. She's mischievous, but calculating. She's daring, but logical. His son, Zuko, however, struggles with basic concepts. He took longer than normal to walk. He took longer than normal to talk. No one's even sure if Zuko will be a firebender at all at the rate he's developing, and it frustrates Ozai when Ursa coddles him.
"You can't protect him from everything," Ozai says. "He needs to put in work and learn, like his sister does."
"Not everything is about studying and getting results," Ursa says, cradling Zuko in a way Ozai knows she rarely holds Azula. "Water your flowers and they will grow."
Ozai wants to see eye to eye with her, but he doesn't want his son to grow up to be reliant on anyone. He doesn't want his son to grow up to fail.
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He loves Ursa still, he thinks, and he probably always will, but it occurs to Ozai that the woman he held shaky hands with as a teenager isn't as compatible with him now than when he was a different man, before he read until he felt he could learn no more, before they had kids and responsibilities, before his father started growing old and looming reality that Iroh, kindhearted, but unfortunately incompetent Iroh, would soon be on the throne.
When they kiss, Ozai feels nothing. When they touch, he is neutral. He knows she feels the divide, but even with the divide growing between them, she holds herself together.
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Azula looks just like her mother, but acts just like Ozai, and he can't think of a more perfect combination. Zuko looks just like his father but acts like his uncle, stopping to ask too many questions about everything and falling victim to lapses in emotional strength, and Ozai cannot think of a way to break his son out of these vulnerable habits without shattering Zuko's world.
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It's Ozai who suggests a more aggressive approach to conquering Ba Sing Se, pleasing his father and angering Iroh. They communicate via mail, and though it's not the most time efficient mode, it's the only way to contact Iroh until he returns back to the palace. It's one of the rare times Azulon smiles at him, and as much as Ozai would love to pretend that at his age, he no longer seeks his father's approval, he knows it would be a lie.
Iroh is reluctant to listen. He's long since become a General for the army and he knows (more or less) what he's doing, and he brings up a fair point about Ozai never being in battle himself, but Ozai stands his ground. He's spent as much time reading as Iroh has spent fighting. He's spent as much time studying as Iroh has spent conquering land. Ozai knows he's right on this one.
Ozai's letter is concise. You cannot believe that easing up will help us take control of Ba Sing Se. You've failed to capture the city in the year and a half you've been there. You're wasting potential and risking people's safety by not ending this sooner.
Iroh's letter is just as concise. If it were so easy to conquer Ba Sing Se, it would already be done. Do not question my military leadership.
Three weeks after Iroh's reply, Lu Ten is killed in battle.
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"Would you really kill him?" Ursa asks. She doesn't have to say their son's name for him to know. Her eyes are filled with tears, but Ozai is unaffected. He would do whatever his father asked him to do to prove his worth and his devotion to his nation.
And... There's a part of him that knows that it'll be better if he does go through with it. Zuko isn't quite right; he'll never catch up, he'll never understand, he'll never make it in a world that wasn't designed for people as soft and vulnerable as he. Ozai would be doing him a favor, ending his life early before any real suffering can begin.
Ozai is a leader and true leaders know sacrifice. He's too close to being recognized as a man of divinity to let personal attachments hold him back.
"You cannot let your emotions cloud your judgement," he replies, and she starts crying harder, begging and pleading to the stars and the moon for Ozai to show mercy, in the name of their marriage, if he ever truly loved her, to spare their son's life.
It's only when she explains how he can let Zuko live and become the new Fire Lord that Ozai stops to listen.
.
"Do you still love me?" Ozai asks, and it's a loaded question. Ursa stands before him in a dark cloak, with a vile in her shaking hands. His voice is barely louder than a whisper because he knows what's about to happen. She told him every herb that she combined, how quickly the poison will kill his father, how soon he'll be free of Azulon and be able to prove himself like he's been trying for years, as much more than just Iroh's younger brother.
Ursa's cheeks are covered in tears and she looks at Ozai, with scared, amber eyes, her lip quivering, because she knows what she's about to do.
"I asked you a question," Ozai says again. "Before you leave this room tonight, tell me if you still love me." It takes her a moment to respond, and he knows it's inappropriate to do so, but he cups her slick cheeks in his hands in the only act of affection he can manage at a moment like this. Ursa stares up at him, her tears feel hot on his skin, her breaths uneven and noisy in the still, quiet air before she replies.
"I want to."
When she leaves the room, he sits by his window, and stays there until he sees a vague shadow leaving the palace grounds.
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Ozai doesn't want to be the one to break the news to Zuko that Ursa is gone, so he doesn't.
The lack of consoling will harden his son, for the better, he hopes.
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When Azula asks questions, it's to gain information. She wants to know more things and expand the library of knowledge in her head. Ozai answers all her questions diligently and thoroughly. When Zuko asks questions, it's to understand concepts. He's detail orientated, fixated on small, insignificant details that don't affect the grand scheme. Azula likes details too, but important ones. She's more big picture oriented. She asks for details when she needs them. She needs details when they're of relevance to her. Ozai answers Zuko's questions rarely, and tells him that he'll never understand the details until he understands the basics. He cannot advance until he masters the easy levels.
He cannot expect plants to grow when he does not water them.
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There's reason and justification for everything, so when Ozai burns Zuko's face in the Agni Kai, as a reminder that letting one's emotions will lead to their downfall, Ozai convinces himself that he does not regret a thing.
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"Would you have done the same to Azula?" Iroh asks. Zuko's burn is being treated as they speak and for the first time since becoming Fire Lord, Ozai's authority is being questioned. Ozai stands tall, and now, as he hovers over the older brother he was meant to look up to, all he can see is a man he was always destined to surpass. He is no longer living in Iroh's shadow. He does not have to answer to him.
"I will not have my leadership or parenting questioned by a man whose military tactics got his own son killed."
It's a low blow, Ozai knows it, and it's exactly why he says it.
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Ozai isn't surprised when Iroh offers to travel with Zuko to find the avatar and though he knows he will never see his son again, Ozai knows this is for the best. It will take him a while, but Zuko will give up, and understand that life isn't meant to be about hopes and dreams and wishes and wants. Life is about calculations, good decision making, logical thinking, and sooner or later, he will learn. It's only a matter of time before he does.
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Zuko comes home three years later, and looks more like a man, almost. He's taller, and broader, and travelling has aged him. He doesn't ask excess questions anymore. He doesn't speak unless spoken to. But... Something's missing. When Ozai sees Azula, he sees his young prodigy. He sees her talents and accomplishments reflecting back onto him. But with Zuko? All anyone can see is grief. There's nasty rumors that Zuko fell in love with a girl from the Water Tribe in his absence, and unlike is younger years, when Ozai made similar jokes about Iroh, Ozai does not find this funny.
Ozai succeeded in destroying the boy Zuko once was, but he failed to mold the man he wanted to create. Zuko might not speak his thoughts, but it does not mean Ozai can't see them written on his son's scarred face.
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Zuko's betrayal blindsides Ozai, and he cannot fathom how he did not calculate this outcome. Ozai waits, patiently, for the eclipse to end, for the sun to reemerge and for him to kill Zuko like he should have done years ago. He failed to mold Zuko into the man he wanted, and instead, created a miscreant, primed and destined for failure. Ozai feels his power slowly growing as the eclipse draws to a close and he prepares to strike his son to end it all once and for all. He'll eliminate the world of the only person left to carry on Iroh's teachings, the man who supposedly fell in love with a waterbender, the living reflections of the failures Ozai knows Azulon saw in him, of the embodiment of the disagreements that drove Ursa and Ozai apart. He'll be free.
He generates lightning, but Zuko strikes back.
He's failed again.
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When he sets off to become the Phoenix King, Ozai realizes that he does not love Azula. He loves her talents, her abilities, everything she represents, but he does not love her. There is nothing to love. Her personality is comprised of all she can do, she can strategize and command people and recite facts, but she is not a person. She is a weapon of war, and she is ultimately replaceable.
He does not love her. He does not need her. But he fears her.
He realizes, he failed in the same way twice; Zuko is a failure because he betrayed his nation. Azula is a failure because she was betrayed.
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They tell him things in prison, that Zuko's been crowned Fire Lord, that reparations are being made to the other nations on behalf of the Fire Nation. Zuko is implementing everything that Ozai opposed. He's flaunting all the power he now wields, and Ozai, now, is powerless. Without his crown, his throne, his nation, Ozai is nothing. Just a man with knowledge that will never go recognized, but unlike when he was a young boy, Ozai is being punished for only wanting the respect and recognition he so desperately craved.
But there is one thing he still has, and that's knowledge of Ursa's whereabouts. He knows it will only be a matter of time before Zuko asks, and when he does, Ozai will be the one to flaunt the one sliver of power he has left.
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Sometimes late at night, when he's locked up in his cell and listening to drops of condensation roll off the prison walls, Ozai wonders if he should've used his knowledge of Ursa's whereabouts to find her instead. He wonders if he had disappeared with her as well if they would've reconciled, if he could've convinced her to return to the palace, if she would still love him, if she even still wants to. He wonders what she'd think of him now that he's no longer a boy with dreams, but a man with failures, and nothing to do but to ask himself questions he'll never know the answers to.
Sometimes late at night, he wishes, as illogically as he knows it is, that he could do it all over again.