Pimp My Ride

Written for the Crais Ficathon over on Terrafirma: Many thanks to Oleg for the prompt/title and Misaditas for organising the ficathon (and for letting me abuse their good names). Any resemblance etc is purely in your own imagination, as I've never actually met either of them.

Rating: PG-13 for heavy sexual innuendo and Farscapian bad language.

Setting; Immediately after ITTLD. AU, but only because of who is aboard Talyn: We all know that Talyn and Crais really survived, don't we?

Disclaimer: Not for profit, not mine etc. You know who owns it all, and it ain't me.

Talyn emerged from Starburst with a thunderous crash. Sparks showered Talyn's command, but both ship and captain remained unconscious, stunned from the trauma of starbursting out through the hangar wall of the command carrier. For an age, the only signs of life aboard the darkened and somnolent gunship were a few, independently-minded black and red DRDs, scurrying about the business of maintaining or patching up essential systems.

Then, something moved. Something which had no right to be onboard. Something which would have chilled Crais' heart to it's very core, had only he known it was aboard Talyn. Slowly, methodically, it made it's way through the near-darkness which enveloped Talyn's bridge. A single, leathery appendage stretched forward greedily as, silently, the intruder made it's way towards Crais' prone form. Reaching it's goal, the squat form loomed over Crais' head, reaching out towards him to claim…..

Crais eyes opened abruptly, and, despite the darkness and his pounding headache, in a microt his sharp mind had processed the meaning of the figure standing over him.

'What the frell are YOU doing aboard Talyn, Dominar?' Crais sneered out the Hynerian's title, making his contempt for the intruder abundantly clear. 'And just what were you up to?'

'Ah, erm, just now? Nothing. Yes, nothing.' Rygel replied, quickly pulling his hands back from whatever nefarious purposes they had been about to perform on Crais.

'But what are you doing aboard Talyn at all?'

'Not staying with those probactos from Moya: Crichton, Aeryn, D'Argo, and the rest of them, not for another day, that's what I'm doing here. They were going to get me killed with their fahrbot plans. Me!'

'You stowed away? You could have been killed HERE!' Crais snapped, sitting upright on the floor and wiping a bead of dried blood from his forehead.

'Perhaps, but it appears I made the right choice again, does it not? Captain,' Rygel imbued the rank with the same disdain that Crais had used for the Hynerian's title, but he had a level of smugness in his manner which Crais could only dream of. 'You strike me as far more sensible than the others, and I am an excellent judge of character. Besides, Talyn is a far more suitable vessel for someone of my high station than…. Hmmm…. His mother.'

'Hmm' harrumphed Crais, getting to his feet. 'Talyn?' he called. A couple of plaintive cheeps and chirrups greeted him. Ignoring Rygel for the moment, Crais moved around the bridge, inspecting readings from a number of instrument panels.

'How bad is the damage?' Rygel asked eventually, having returned to the comforting embrace of his thronesled whilst Crais worked.

'Hmm,' commented Crais brusquely, barely acknowledging the Dominar. 'We will have to put in somewhere for repairs. Extensive repairs. Somewhere where there are Leviathan experts.' Crais continued pacing from console to console whilst Rygel hovered imperiously around Talyn's command.

'The nearest suitable planet, that is, the nearest suitable planet that may not immediately have us both executed, is the Sebacean Royal colony on Tarsus.' Crais said dryly, after a short while.

'Then what are we waiting for?' Rygel demanded, 'Lay a course, I'm going to get some food.' he finished as he made his way off the bridge towards the galley.

Crais stepped off the transport pod onto the docking area at Tarsus colony, to be greeted by the regrettable, unfriendly, yet unfortunately familiar sight of a line of pulse rifles being snapped upwards to cover him. With a resigned expression which veritably shouted 'Not again! It wasn't me!' he raised his hands in supplication. A smart, business-like Sebacean woman stepped forward from the ranks, eyeing him with a sufficient mix of open emotions to have earned her a severe reprimand had she been a Peacekeeper.

'Captain Crais?' he nodded. 'I am Lieutenant Crantz, Royal Colonies Guard service. You will surrender your side arms and come with me,' she insisted, holding out her hand for his pulse pistol.

'I have done nothing wrong, I assure you these precautions are unnecessary,' Insisted Crais, unsuccessfully trying to engage the now stern-faced lieutenant in conversation. Failing, he sighed and unholstered his pulse pistol.

'Follow me,' replied Lt Crantz as she and half of her contingent began to escort Crais through the bustling spaceport towards what Crais hoped was simply the guard office. 'We don't like PKs, not even ex-PKs, and we are….. Concerned….. About your vessel,' she supplied as they made their way through the scattering of space ships and service vessels which littered the apron.

Arriving at their destination, Crantz motioned Crais to enter a well-appointed office.

'Captain Crais, come in, sit down,' indicated a man wearing a captain's uniform. 'Captain Olaraq,' he supplied, indicating that was his own name. 'Stories of your exploits precede you.'

'Nothing bad, I hope?' asked Crais with a knowing smile.

Olaraq smiled, or was that smirked, 'Would you have it any other way, captain?' he replied in kind. 'Tell me, why is the infamous Captain Crais and the legendary Talyn visiting our humble planet? We only ask because, like I said, your reputation precedes you.'

Crais flicked an imaginary speck of dust from his knee while he contemplated how much information to supply. 'Talyn has recently suffered some….. minor damage. We needed somewhere with expertise in Leviathans to affect repairs,' Crais continued in a superior, detached manner, all the while carefully checking to see how Olaraq responded to the revelation of weakness on his part.

'Interesting. What type of repairs?'

'Extensive enough to merit visiting a shipyard such as this. When they are done, we will be gone. We have no interest in causing trouble. Or in attracting attention.'

'Indeed, we have already scanned your Leviathan, and we agree you were wise to seek out expert help. However, having made our assessment, we cannot help but wonder how you going to pay for these repairs?'

'Payment. Hmmm. What sort of sum did you have in mind?' Asked Crais. Olaraq replied with a figure which severely challenged Crais' poker face. 'I see…..' responded Crais. 'Then perhaps I have come to the wrong place?' Crais made as if to stand.

Olaraq smiled, If Crais had ever seen a crocodile, he would have recognised the look. 'Oh, I am confident we can come to a mutually satisfactory arrangement, Captain.'

'Continue..' Said Crais, settling back into his chair.

'We have a proposition: If you will allow your Leviathan to mate with a number of our Leviathans, we will pay for all repairs and upgrades.'

'That is very generous of you…'

'Talyn is no ordinary Leviathan, we understand that well enough. As I am sure you do.'

Crais pondered for a moment: He needed these repairs, and he really wasn't sure how to pay for them or where else he might go that might be able to do them. 'Very well, but I will personally oversee all work.'

Olaraq shook his head, 'We cannot allow that. However, our scans have revealed that you have a shipmate: they can work with Talyn to oversee repairs on your behalf: You will have to stay as our guest, planetside, until everything is completed. As the captain, I'm sure you will appreciate that we must ensure you do not ….leave…. with Talyn until we are satisfied you have kept your side of the bargain?'

Crais had to concede that Olaraq had worked out a good strategy: Talyn wouldn't leave with just Rygel aboard,. Crais scowled in displeasure. He could only imagine how bad a job the selfish old fool would make of supervising repairs and he could only hope that Talyn himself would mitigate the worst of anything that might happen.

A week later Crais marched into Olaraq's office, to find Olaraq and Lieutenant Crantz deep in conversation.

'Excellent, you are both here: That will save us all time,' Crais snapped imperiously.

'What is it you want, Captain?' Olaraq replied, refusing to be rattled: This was his world, not Crais': Peacekeeper bluster and arrogance would only get Crais so far.

'I have been very patient: I demand you tell me how repairs are proceeding on my ship!' Insisted Crais.

'Lieutenant?' Olaraq indicated his second in command would provide an update.

Crantz picked up a small work tablet, tapping it a few times to reach the necessary reports, she replied, 'Everything seems to be proceeding well. So well, in fact, I believe Talyn is currently scheduled to fulfil his first…. Payment.' She looked up from the tablet to see that Crais appeared suddenly to be somewhat uncomfortable in his seat, and that he was also starting to sweat and to breath more erratically. 'Starting just a few microts ago. Captain Crais, are you feeling well?' Crantz asked a little too huskily for Crais' liking. 'You look hot.'

'Neural bleed back!' Crais replied gruffly, as though that explained everything, his face now reddening rapidly.

'Neural bleed back?' Interesting. Are you alright?' she asked, reaching out and laying a sympathetic hand on his forearm. 'Can I get you anything?

'No, nothing,' he snapped back, pulling his arm away sharply.

'Would you like to lie down for a while?' she asked. Crais tried to ignore her large, appealing eyes. Eyes which, to his considerable discomfort, were currently focussed entirely on him.

Damn the woman, thought Crais, did she have to say such suggestive things, and in such a suggestive manner, too? He was only grateful that his unyielding leather pants served both to conceal and restrain his rapidly growing discomfort.

'Would you like me to take you anywhere?' she added, touching his shoulder (Why oh why did she have to touch him again?) as he got up and began to make his way from the room in an odd, crouching gait. As the door shut behind him, he could have sworn he could hear Olaraq and Crantz erupt in laughter. The fekkiks!

Another weeken passed, and Lieutenant Crantz sent for Crais.

'Well captain, I trust you had a restful week,' Olaraq smirked once Crantz had shut the office door. We haven't seen anything of you for the last weeken, I hope you were well?'

'I was fine. I have been busy.'

'After your last visit, we were concerned for you: still, you seem fine now?' asked Olaraq

'Nothing a little bed rest couldn't solve?' added Crantz.

'What do you mean by that?' snapped a clearly irritated Bailar.

'Nothing, nothing.' Crantz replied with false innocence.

'You'll be pleased to learn that the repairs to your ship are now complete,' put in Olaraq.' And, as all payments have been made, you are now free to return to your ship and leave: Lt Crantz will escort you back to Talyn and go over the repairs and modifications with you.'

'Modifications?' Crais asked suspiciously.

'Oh, nothing much, just a few things the Dominar said you'd forgotten to mention that were needed.'

Crais had allowed Crantz to pilot the transport pod to Talyn without complaint, in order to get a better look out for whatever 'modifications' the Hynerian might have requested to his ship. HIS ship. He had been somewhat relieved to have struggled to spot any external modifications: He imagined he might have seen some sort of fins on Talyn's starburst pods, but if they were there, than they hadn't been obvious, and he couldn't be sure. Plus, Talyn's already aggressive red, black and dark grey colour scheme seemed to Crais as though it might have been modified to look, if anything, even more ominous. Crais could live with a repaint, if that was all the foolish old Dominar had done.

Stepping into the docking bay, they were greeted by the chief mechanic, Miss Aditas, who, for the last two weekens, had been overseeing the day to day work of the technicians aboard the Leviathan.

She held out a hand 'Pleased to meet you, Captain Crais,' she gushed, before, overcome by her excitement at meeting the infamous and handsome captain, she advanced rapidly on him and crushed him in a hug. 'I've really been looking forward to meeting you, in the flesh: I've heard so much about you; I'm your number one fan!' She continued as Crais stood stiffly, uncertain what to do or say to this woman whom he'd never met before.

Crantz and Aditas led him around Talyn, pointing out minor repairs here and there, until Crais' patience finally evaporated.

'What were these modification you talked about on Tarsus?' He snapped, 'And where is that Hynerian slug hiding?'

Aditas and Crantz exchanged a glance, a glance which clearly spoke volumes to each of them, but said nothing to him, beyond confirming that the pair were conspiring to keep him in ignorance about something.

'We'll take you to command, then we can take it from there,' conceded Crantz. 'This way…'

'I know the way. This is MY ship, remember!' Crais blustered, striding off towards Talyn's bridge down the… down the new, red CARPET? Since when did Talyn have carpets? How much of Talyn now has CARPETS Crais began to fume. And how were the DRD's supposed to make their way efficiently around the ship? Visions of DRDs marooned on the carpet, spinning their wheels frantically, sprung into his mind's eye.

As they drew closer to the command, so Crais could have sworn that he could hear the sounds of singing. Yes, I was definitely singing. A Hynerian singing! A horrific sound, if ever he had heard one. But it wasn't coming from the command, it was coming from the unused Pilot's chamber. He stopped on the velvety carpet in front of the door to the Pilot's chamber. Crais could not help but observe that the door now seemed to be elaborately decorated.

'What has been going on here!' he demanded of the two women with a fierce scowl.

'Nothing which you had not authorised, according to Rygel,' replied Crantz evenly.

'Nothing which Talyn wasn't happy with,' added Aditas, a little more cautiously.

'And you didn't think to check with me?' Fumed Crais, by now in danger of turning purple.

'You were busy,' deadpanned Crantz, inspecting her finger nails. 'Whenever I visited your quarters you seemed insistent that I should, what was it? Go away. Now!' she imitated with a pout.

Snarling in response, Crais slammed his hand down across the door control, causing the panel to slide aside. The opening of the door was accompanied, to his disgust, by the sound of a small fanfare.

Crais took one step forward into the room, then another, before his mind refused to cooperate any further in the business of moving his legs.

'Ah, there you are, Bialar, welcome back.' beamed Rygel, his face emerging from the depths of what had been the Pilot's bowl. Rygel was unclothed, wet and…. surely, not? No, Crais' eyes had not deceived him, Rygel was covered with bubbles. The bowl had been turned into some sort of bathing pool! Rygel picked up a drinks glass, which was shaped as an upturned triangle and had a small, green fruit floating inside, which had just been set on the side of the Pilot's bowl by an attending DRD. The Hynerian lifted the glass to his broadly grinning lips, toasting Crais.

'What do you think, hey Captain?' cheered the Dominar, with no hint of either the shame or the fear which Crais felt that the revolting slug should be feeling at that moment.

'What. Have You Done!' Crais managed to blurt out, whilst persuading his left leg to take another reluctant step forward into the chamber: The chamber, he noticed, that was now gaudily and plushy decorated: Luxurious, red rugs were scattered across the wood-panelled floor, whilst the now-jewel-encrusted walls were bedecked with murals of revoltingly decadent Hynerian fantasies, and all of this was reflected in the newly-installed mirrored ceiling. And between, the chamber was packed with opulent furnishings, from velvet couches to dark wood drinks cabinets. Furnishings which included, Crais could not help but notice, a massive vitreous tank for live Marjoules which stood in pride of place, taking up a third of the back wall.

'Marvellous, isn't it?' Rygel grinned, whilst behind him Crais heard the two females begin to snigger. He ignored them both.

'Rygel, whatever made you think you could do this? This is MY ship!'

'Well, obviously, Talyn's accommodations were a little too basic for where we will be going, what we will be doing:' What in Hezmanna could the toad mean, Crais wondered? He had not discussed going anywhere with Rygel. 'Not everyone is impressed by big guns, you know,' drawled Rygel. 'We will need to impress my court in other ways as well.'

'Talyn is a warship!' Crais exploded.

'Yes, and a very impressive one. But now,' Rygel said, as kicked off from the side, swimming on his back as the fountains sprayed down on him and the water jets bubbled up from below, 'Now he is a warship who is fit for a Dominar!

End

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