Sam had been scared throughout most of his life. From the moment he was pushed into the lifestyle that would drive any other teenager insane; his eternal fear had begun. Of course he had learned to control it. To keep it hidden somewhere deep where no murderous, sick, twisted monster could find it and use it against him.
Though for the first moment in a very long time, his fear was becoming larger. It felt like a dark, demon inside of him, growing and finding the parts of Sam that he couldn't hide. Guilt. That was the worst one. Sam, in order to complete the third trial, and condemn all of the remnants of hell, to hell, had to make his blood pure. His guilt needed to be gone and God needed to forgive him. Sam needed to confess his sins. He had to open the dusty, worn chest inside of him and release everything he had buried away. He wasn't sure what worried him the most. The only one that would hear him was God. If God even listens to that stuff, anyway. The thing that worried him the most was admitting everything to him. Sam had grown to know he was his own worst enemy, and he was about to admit defeat. It was silly; frankly it was ridiculous. But it terrified him nonetheless.
As he entered the small confinement he felt lost on words. "Okay. Um, if anybody's listening. Here it goes..." Sam began, clearing his throat, trying desperately to think of the impossible, where on this god-forsaking Earth to begin. "I guess I'll start from the beginning." He then said, deciding it would make things easier… As if it could be easier, "The very beginning..." A small ache found its way to his stomach, as the worry of his lifetime began to find itself.
He then found something to say, his voice low, "I'm sorry for being the one that Dean spent his childhood protecting. He was just a kid, and he didn't need that responsibility." He said quietly, as though someone could over hear, he felt his vision blur as tears fought their way to his eyes. He held them back violently; he wasn't going to break himself. "I'm sorry for being a selfish kid. I don't remember ever thanking Dean." He then said, "And I'm sorry for leaving my dad." He then added, a lump forming in his throat, "I was selfish to leave to Stanford. I threw everything he ever gave me in his face, and I never thanked him." The guilt on him was building; he knew it was going to be hard but this?
"I'm sorry for what I did to Jessica. If I had left her alone... She wouldn't have died. Not only that but I could have stopped it... I knew it was going to happen, but I ignored it, because I'm too damn selfish. I'm so sorry..." He cried, the realization clear in his voice, a tear now falling down his face, "I shouldn't have left with Dean. I only caused him way more trouble. I shouldn't have disappointed him so much. I'm sorry I trusted Meg. I shouldn't have. She caused us so much trouble..." He said with a long sigh his voice was becoming shaky.
"I'm sorry that Dean went to hell... For me. He shouldn't have suffered so much for me to waste my time. He shouldn't have suffered in the first place. I wish he didn't feel so responsible." Another tear fell, and the lump felt like it was growing, "I'm sorry that I trusted Ruby. That I... I drank demon blood and made myself a monster. I'm sorry I never allowed Dean's dying wish, for me to forget that part of me, to be fulfilled. I dug myself a hole so deep, and I buried myself in it, while my brother had died because of me!" He hissed, falling against the wall. "I'm sorry I wasn't the one to rescue Dean from hell. I left him there; I gave up on him…" He called, looking upward. The ache growing; swallowing him inhumanely, piece by piece.
"I'm sorry of the mess I'm constantly making, of opening hell, and letting everyone die because of me." He said, tears were now uncontrollably pouring down the man's face, he clenched his fists and called to the nothingness, "I'm sorry Adam's in hell, trapped with Lucifer and Michael. I was rescued, and he wasn't…" He cried, "Dean was in Purgatory and I never even tried slightly to help him. I stayed and I tried to live a normal life. I took my brother's expense as a way of me living normally," He called, then hung his head at anger for himself, "I'm sorry for everything my brother has done for me, he's spent his childhood protecting me, he was the first person who saved my life, and he continued to do so, and I have barely made it up to him. I'm sorry that when he died for me, when he went to hell, for me, I only spat it back in his face." He shook his head wildly, "I am the worst brother in history. Dean has done everything for me, and I've failed him. So. Many. Times. I'm his burden, that he was forced to carry." He said, wiping the tears from his face, "My biggest sin, was not being the brother I should have been. I trusted Demon's over Dean. For pretending I was doing what's right, when I knew it wasn't. Dean knew it wasn't. I never listened, I never repaid him. I never... I never thanked him." He cried, his emotions bursting, as he realized the extent to what he had done. "God forgive me." He said quietly as the tear flowed, "Dean would have been so much better off if I wasn't there to force him the life of protecting me. I've only failed him. It's not fair what I have done to him." He said, that, was his biggest sin. Not being the brother he should have. Constantly dragging Dean down, like an anchor attached to his ankle as he is thrown in sea. As much as he tries to release himself, he knows he can't because it was forced on him. That is how Sam felt; that is what Sam knew he was to his brother. No death or torture could hurt more than that.
Sam took a deep breath and wiped his face with his sleeve. He had to go back to Crowley now… He had to do what had to be done. He signed and walked toward the door, his weak expression suddenly replaced with a mask of normal.