Disclaimer: I don't own the Thunderbirds or the Tracys with the exception of Sam.
A Lesson in Guilt
I heard the plane powering up and then taking off into the afternoon sky. Slowly, it turns and flies above where I am standing alone on the beach. My brothers had all gone to the tarmac to see our sister and her family off. That is partly my fault and I don't know how to even begin to fix it or even if I can.
"I can't believe it," I thought to myself. "She really left. The bond that I thought could never be broken has been and I'm mostly to blame." The plane grew smaller until I could no longer see it. With a sadness that I couldn't explain, I walked back to the house. I paused when I see her apartment. I walk along the path to get to the front door. The door is shut but unlocked. I slowly open it and go in. No personal affects have been left behind. I wander from room to room and think about how much all of us visited Sam and her children here. We were all here daily while she was pregnant with Michael and Benjamin. It was our way of keeping her spirits up and distracted as much as a way of keeping Alex company. He had his hands full with Johnny and Lucy and Sam. Sam couldn't help him at all because of her being on total bed rest.
Looking into Johnny and Lucy's room, I notice two toys that were left behind. I sat down on the floor and held them in my hands as the memory of the day I bought them rushed over me. I had been in the Air Force and while I was shopping at the PX, I had noticed two teddy bears dressed in Air Force uniforms. One was female with a skirt and dress blouse on and the other was a male in a flight suit. I had bought both because Sam didn't want to know the sex of her baby. It wasn't until she delivered Johnny that it was realized that there was another baby. Lucy had surprised Alex and Sam much like she had surprised our parents. I gave her both bears when the whole family went to see them the day Sam and the babies came home from the hospital. I set the bears back on the dresser and went to the nursery. The only thing left behind was a container of baby powder.
I sat down in the rocking chair and felt the presence of my sister and her babies in this room. I imagined that I could hear Sam's gentle laughter. With a sigh, I stood up and went to my sister's room and looked around. There was nothing left behind in this room except for her NASA and letterman jackets in the closet. Mom's wedding dress is in a protective garment bag behind the jackets. I walked back to the living room and looked around one last time and closed the door behind me.
I walked back to the house and heard voices from the pool deck and look up to see Gordon, Alan, Virgil, and Tin-Tin at one of the tables. Even on the pool deck is a reminder of my sister. Johnny and Lucy's little table is next to the big tables. Virgil glares at me as do my other two brothers. Knowing that I won't be welcomed, I head upstairs to my balcony. I wonder where John and Catie are. If any of us are feeling the immense pain that Sam's leaving would cause, it would be John.
"I've really messed up," I think to myself for the twentieth time so far. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't hear my dad walk up to me.
"It's not your fault," he said quietly. "She had already decided to leave. Scott, Sam is an adult and she makes her own choices. You cannot beat yourself up for her right to live her life as she wants. We can only hope that someday she, Alex, Johnny, Lucy, Michael, and Benjamin come home."
"I hope so, Dad," I say. "I just hope that someday Sam will understand why I said what I did. I was always terrified that she'd get hurt on a rescue and that I'd have to tell Alex that she was hurt or worse yet that she was…dead." The last word came out softly. I looked up at Dad with a troubled expression.
"I was afraid that I'd have to break the news that my baby sister was dead and that my brother-in-law would have to raise their children by himself," I whispered. "I was afraid of the thought that I'd watch my niece and nephews grow up without their mother. That Lucy wouldn't have her mother there to talk over girl-stuff. Sam always had a sad aura about her when she hit a mile stone that Mom should have been there to see. She cried on my shoulder the day that you gave her the sex talk. Mom should have been there for that. The day she got married, when her babies were born, the list just goes on. Dad, I didn't want to ever see Lucy look the way Sammie did." I didn't notice that I was crying until Dad pulled me against him. I tensed up at first but couldn't hold back any longer. With an anguished cry, I sobbed into my dad's shoulder. I had always held my emotions within me and never let my guard down. Only Sam had been able to get past my façade and now she was moving on with her life and family.
"Give it awhile and call her," Dad said when I'd calmed down. "She cool down and then you two can talk. I know that she'll be calling here frequently while setting up the new branch. I can also safely assume that your brothers will be asking for time off to visit her and Alex and the children."
"Thanks, Dad," I said as I rubbed at my eyes. Neither of us noticed Gordon and Virgil watching from the pool deck. I couldn't wait to make things right with my sister and the next few weeks were going to be long and difficult but if I can get back the bond I had with her then it will all be worth it.