Impulse
Disclaimer: Persona 4 does not own me. And vice-versa.
Summary: Shadows. Impulses. Chie comes into terms with her Shadow self and discovers that accepting her Shadow does not mean ending its existence. Chie/Yukiko
Chapter One – Awakening
Tell me the story of your soul.
Look at me without turning your eyes away.
You think that I am non-existent.
-Nowhere by FictionJunction
Chie runs—plunges through the hallway, head first. Though she sees very little, she forges on without hesitation, her eyes set on only one goal: to save Yukiko from a dreadful fate.
Perhaps if she had stopped and taken a breather, she would have seen there and then how utterly helpless she was.
But Yukiko is her strength, or the source of it, anyway. Even against all odds, she knows she will still win. Knows, knows with a fiery determination burning in the pit of her stomach.
She slams against a corner, but that doesn't stop her; she only stumbles for a moment but quickly regains balance. Before she knows it, she's jogging up a flight of stairs, two steps at a time, her elbows awkwardly swinging in front of her as she puts the extra effort on her knees.
She almost trips and falls but grabs onto the railing in time, using the momentum to propel herself forwards. For a while, all she is conscious of is the somewhat muffled thud-thudding of her feet against the velvet ground, the steady beat lulling her in a false sense of security.
And then she hears Yukiko's voice as she enters a room and her legs almost buckle from under her. In relief, or in fear, she doesn't know.
She drinks in Yukiko's words, but it takes a while for them to register in her mind. When they do, her chest becomes heavy with dread—and anger, and sadness, and all of these feelings conflicting inside of her that she has no name for.
Chie told me that red looks good on me.
The words are at first innocent enough, in a meaningless way. Meaningless, meaningless, because Yukiko is stating something that is fact and something that doesn't really bear repeating. (Chie is embarrassed when she remembers saying those words to Yukiko. Partly because she meant it. And mostly because, she had said it with much gusto and very little self-awareness at that time. This was before she—) But then Yukiko continues on about how much Chie means to her, listing all of Chie's good qualities.
Lies, Chie thinks and bites her lower lip hard to keep herself from denying that out loud. There is a seed of hope in her heart, but she ignores it.
Lies, her other self agrees with her.
She manages to pull herself out of her reverie long enough to notice that something is wrong. There is a person in front of her, wearing her face and her clothes. This isn't her, she is sure. The yellow eyes and twisted smirk are evidence enough.
Chie stutters something in Yukiko's defence, though she doesn't remember what it is she actually said. She is still reeling from the fact that there's another version of herself in this room. She wonders if she has gone mad.
She's the one all the guys drool over.
(But that's not why you're jealous.) Her Shadow jeers in her mind.
When Yukiko looked at me with such jealousy... (With such dependency, with such need.) Man, did I get a charge out of that.
Chie denies. No, Yukiko isn't worthless.
I can't win as a girl, let alone as a person... (Because she'll never look at me that way.) I'm pathetic.
She's too important to me.
(She's too important to me.) The words echo a second time in her head. Her fists clench and unclench. Sweat trickles down her face. Or were those tears?
And then, and then...
The whole world slows down and empties itself of its other inhabitants. Faintly, she is aware of her friends fighting against something, but she doesn't really see them anymore, even when she turns her head left and right. It's like looking at something at the very edge of her vision. She gives up after a futile first few seconds.
"Would it be so bad to admit to your flaws?" She blinks and sees herself again. The sinister and oppressive aura she feels earlier from this person is gone. Separate. (Her friends are fighting that part of her, but her awareness at the moment does not include beyond her and this other, this Shadow.)
"Would it be so bad to admit that you need her as much as she needs you?" Her reflection asks. "Or just that she even needs you?"
She hears crying and turns around to see a younger Yukiko gazing forlornly at her. Muku, their dog (Their dog.) whines and tries to lick Yukiko's cheek.
Chie tries to move forwards to comfort them as she did all those years ago, but no matter how many steps she takes, Yukiko is still so far away.
"'Chie is so kind'," her Shadow repeats. "But you're not kind at all, are you? When you're with her, you feel so strong, so powerful. When you're with her, it feels as if you can take on the world. You want to be besides her because she's the only person who makes you feel this way. Without her, you're worthless.
"And that's the truth, isn't it? Your existence is dependent on her. Without Yukiko, Chie does not exist. The Persona that you've crafted in front of the others is nothing without her.
"But that's not what scares you the most," her Shadow continues, walking towards the younger Yukiko to console her. Chie's chest begins to hurt like hell. More than anything, she wants to push this other version of her away from Yukiko—this dirty, indecent version of her—but she can't do anything. She is helpless. (Helpless, helpless... She wants to cry, but knows that crying doesn't solve anything.)
"You love her, you poor chit. You love her in a way that exceeds what is expected of you. You are her friend, but your love is so much bigger than that—so much stronger that it borders obsession." Chie tenses when her Shadow version caresses Yukiko's cheek. "And that's not even the scary part. What scares you is that all of these feelings you have aren't genuine—that they're just fabrications of your mind to rationalize keeping her so close to you. You fear that you love her because of what she makes you become, not because of her own appealing qualities."
Slowly, Chie's muscles relax when she sees this other version stand up. The ache inside of her does not disappear, however. "I am the part of you who carries the burden of your darkest thoughts, your 'sins', your biggest insecurities, your guiltiest pleasures. I am the impulse of the moment squashed by your holier-than-thou morals. I am you, and you are me, and to say otherwise is utter bull."
(And you know it.)
This reflection of her does not say these words out loud, but Chie hears them all the same.
"Am not."
Chie-not lifts an eye brow in amusement. "Pardon?"
Chie lets out the breath she doesn't know she's been holding. "Okay, let's say that Yukiko does make me feel stronger and surer of myself. Heck, isn't that what friends make you feel?" She raises her hands in defeat and sighs. "And okay, I'm kind of dependent on her in that way, because let's face it, I'm really insecure about who I am right now, and it's really nice when I don't have to feel so unsure about everything for a second because I know she's watching me."
She stares her other self down, amber eyes glinting hard. "But that doesn't make my feelings any less real. When-when I'm with her, all those sappy things that the girls in my class keep on talking about... Well they happen to me. I'm crazy in love with her, and you know what? You're wrong. I don't love her because I feel empowered when she's around. I feel empowered because I love her."
"So you've finally realized that particular truth about yourself."
Chie is taken aback. "What?"
"'I am the part of you who carries the burden of your darkest thoughts, your 'sins', your biggest insecurities, your guiltiest pleasures.'" Her reflection quirks her lips as she repeats the words a second time. "I am not, however, the one who dictates who you are. I've said this all before, of course, but I'm sure you weren't listening because you were too grief-stricken at that time. Don't worry though, I'm quite used to being ignored; it comes with being a part of you that you keep wholeheartedly denying."
"So you're not me?"
"I am you. Haven't we gone over this already?"
Chie frowns and crosses her arms. "So let me get this straight: you are me, it's just that whatever you say isn't necessarily true?"
"Yes," her other self answers in a half-growl, throwing her hands upwards in exasperation, "Finally the realization gets through your thick skull."
Chie wakes up.
For a moment, her memories are in a jumble, and she remembers nothing. Her friends assail her with well-meaning questions, their eyes fraught with fear and concern. But then she sees her Shadow self and the words come back like a wave crashing against her. She lets these words part and slide around her, a determined expression on her face.
I am thou, and thou art I.
The look she shares with her Shadow self conveys all the words she needs to say. She nods and offers a shy smile.
(Welcome home.) The smile turns into a sly grin when her Shadow dissolves into nothing. (Don't think you'll get away with calling me stupid though. Because I'm not.)
(Ah. That's more like it.)
A/N: I think it's one thing to say that she's not her Shadow self, and another thing to deny some worries she may have of herself that come from too much psycho-analyzing and unnecessary self guilt trips.
That said, kudos to anyone who can tell me which anime influenced my perspective on what a Shadow should be. I left enough cookie crumbs. ;P
When I write the second chapter of this—which won't be anytime soon, considering my workload—I'll write it in past tense, simply because I'm more familiar with that kind of style. I just wanted to take a stab at present tense because I wanted to convey the feeling of urgency that Chie felt. Also, I might change some things that have happened Canon-wise, but I don't think there will be any major changes. Updates will be posted in my bio.
This one's for you, Bippy. (And to all the Chie/Yukiko writers out there. You guys rock!)