Knowing Suzumiya makes it sort of impossible to tell which days will be somewhat normal and which will be, for lack of a better term, completely fucking insane. It's not like every day is a trip into a wholly different world where aliens, time travellers, and ESPers are normal. Usually they come to visit, keeping any day from being really normal, but by no means making every day interesting. In a way, it's almost disturbing, how things out of an anime or manga could become part of a routine. Anyway, this day had been, for certain definitions of the word, normal. No imminent doom from Koizumi, no artificial humans aside from Nagato, and Miss Asahina was being violated as usual, but nothing else. There weren't even any mundane bizzarities, like the computer club. In fact, the only thing out of the "ordinary" was that Suzumiya had been messing around with the computer when she got agitated for some reason.
Even as strange, bizarre, and occasionally terrifying as many of the things I'd rather not deal with are, I'd never been quite as confused and frightened as I had been when Suzumiya greeted me with a voice dripping honey and saccerrine and a slight bulge in a vein over her eye.
"Kyon, you could you come here and explain something on the computer to me, please?"
Knowing that she can run faster than me, escape was, as usual, futile. given no other real option, I went over toward her and asked what it was.
"Well, I was wondering... Why are these pictures of Mikuru not deleted like you said you would?" As a point of interest, it can get rather difficult to think, or even talk when suddenly grabbed by the tie and made to lean over, roughly at that, and then having your head manhandled and forced to look at a computer screen, however enjoyable the image on that screen may be.
"Err, uh-"
"You hypocrite! After you made me take them off the site, you kept them as fap-fodder!"
"Wait, no! Miss Asahina had asked me to hold onto the-"
"Don't try to bullshit me, I know she wouldn't want to keep them!"
For once, I actually didn't have any response to Suzumiya. I couldn't even get anything out.
"I knew it! You kept them for fapping!"
"I didn't keep them for fapping! I just wanted to keep them..."
And at that, she let me go, with rather more force than should be warranted.
"So you just kept them because you like Mikuru that much? Fine!"
Then, she trudged out of the room, much to my relief. I was a bit confused as to what she meant by that last bit though. Well, I wasn't confused at the time, I was relieved. The confusion came a bit later, after things had calmed down some. But for the time being I was happy that bastard Koizumi had at least stopped smiling.
"I know I told you to be more concerned about yourself, but this isn't what I meant. Though I do understand the need." Ugh, never mind. I prefer the smile. What is with that look of his?
Anyways, at least Miss Asahina didn't seem mad at me. I couldn't stand myself if that happened.
After that we just… well, left. There wasn't really anything else to do.
You know how I'd said earlier, knowing Suzumiya makes it impossible to tell if a day will be relatively normal, or completely insane? I'm going to go on record as retracting that. I KNEW today would be completely insane. Right from when I woke up, noticed the breasts, went back to sleep, woke up again, and... Well, I won't say I screamed like the girl I now seemed to be, at least.
Moving on, I had, overnight, turned into a girl.
A girl with a rather nice figure, to be honest, but I wasn't thinking about that at the moment, I was wondering why I had said nice figure in the first place.
After I calmed down slightly, Suzumiya's parting comment started to make more sense, and I remembered the source of nearly all my problems.
Once I'd calmed down and thought for a little, I decided to make a full investigation of the damage.I never managed to finish, being the gentleman that I am, and not one to take advantage of a girl, even if I AM the girl. Instead, I took a look in the mirror, and was met by a rather cute, but recognizably mine, face. I looked quite good if I do say so myself, and under other circumstances would be inclined to admire it some more. But rather engage in what would be a most unusual case of narcissism, I decided to look around my room to see if anything else had been rearranged by Haruhi's whims. It was… disgustingly pink. I mean that sort of pink that will rot your teeth and give you a migraine at the same time. I cautiously checked my closet. Yup. Definitely Haruhi if the costumes and clothes are anything to go by.
After some twitching I got my now nauseatingly pink and sparkly phone and called Yuki. She could tell me how to fix this. I would have to remind her that I spoke Japanese, but Yuki was very dependable when it came to fixing other similar changes. No, I will not elaborate on that.
"Hello." While I'll be the first to admit that Yuki is cute in her own way, that monotone she uses is... unnerving, to say the least. She says "Hello" not like it's a greeting or even acknowledgment., It's more like a question. Not in the "Hello, who is this?" kind of way that most people use, it's more like "Hello, why are you calling me?" It barely even registers as that, though. It might as well be a statement, like "Hello, you are calling me."
"Hi, Nagato? It's Kyon."
"Your voice does not register as Kyon. To begin, Kyon is male, whereas judging by your tone, pitch, and speech patterns, you are female. Who is this." And there's that monotone again, that wasn't even a question. And was I really using feminine speech?
"See, that's what I'm calling about."
"Unless you speak clearly and concisely, I shall hang up or be late to school."
"Wait! Nagato, I'm really Kyon! I got turned into a girl, and all my stuff is pink and frilly!"
"...I am going to be late to school. If you are Kyon I will speak more there." And then she hung up.
With my first choice in solutions cut off for the moment, I took a moment to reflect on the conversation, and realized that, yes I was just turned into a girl, and no, Suzumiya didn't rewrite history so I'd always been a girl. So... I'll need to explain to everyone that I turned into a girl.
After dealing with an initially disappointed then oddly pleased little sister, breakfast was awkward to say the least. Apparently the new room design was my mother's idea, well, really Haruhi's through my mom, but you get the idea. And no, I didn't even get questioned who I was. She just acted like high school boys commonly changed into girls. My sister had the same reaction too, but she seems to think I'm in a manga lately. I have no idea why. I mean, I'd be comic relief or a background character at most. In any case changing into my new uniform was a bit of a chore, but either Haruhi was merciful or a bra is easier to put on than I though, because I had no problems with that, despite the ungodly amount of frills and lace on that thing.
Now I have to deal with my classmates, and that idiot Taniguchi who I know I'm guaranteed to run into on that damn hill. That promises to be especially unpleasant, all my shoes have heels now, and this pink monstrosity of a bra does nothing to keep my chest from bouncing... How do girls deal with these things?
Sometimes, I truly hate being right. On this god forsaken mount, my shoes hurt like a bitch, my back aches, and my chest is sore. Meanwhile, Taniguchi is running right along my side, pestering me.
"So now that you're a girl, how about a date?" Seriously, does he even know how creepy that is? He's my friend, and I'm a guy!
"No, I'm not going to date you. Don't you realize how creepy that is?"
"What's creepy about it? I'm a guy, you're a girl, and guys date girls."
"Not when the girl is actually a guy!" At this point, I decided to kill my ankles, and speed up so I could get the hell away from this blasted slope and the idiotic horndog on it.
I eventually managed to get to my seat while fending him off. Man, I knew he was a pervert, but really. I finally got somewhat normal reaction. Our homeroom teacher was in early, and he blinked in confusion for a bit, double checked his records, and shrugged. However, I had to deal with Haruhi. She looked particularly smug today. Which is really saying something considering how she normally is. And I didn't like the look of her grin. At all. I am not looking forward to the clubroom today, but I need to, both to avoid her wrath, and talk to Yuki.
Class itself was dull as usual. I did learn something though. Large breasts make it hard to use your desk as a pillow. Amazing, I actually was taught something useful and practical in high school, at this rate I'll be able to live on my own in 20 years. That thought aside, the difficulty of sleeping on my desk forced me to stay awake through far more of my class than I generally like to, so not only was class dull, I was awake for almost all of it as it dragged on for what seemed like hours upon hours of waste.
And worst of all...
"So, you turned into a girl? How'd you manage that one? I bet it's because you whacked off to Mikuru so many times. That'd certainly explain these!" Being groped by Haruhi is, without doubt, one of the least pleasant things to have ever happened to me.
"I don't know! And I didn't whack off to Miss Asahina yesterday!" God, this is what Miss Asahina, as angelic as she is, must feel like! My sympathy grows with each moment.
"So was it Nagato? Or maybe it's because you wanted to go all the way with Itsuki!" Her hands are like vices of molestation! How Miss Asahina tolerates this, I'll never know, but I have a newfound respect for her.
"I don't want to go all the way with Koizumi!"
"So you've gone some of the way, then?"
"Wha-No!" I hate my life.
Haruhi just grinned.
I swear our teachers are oblivious. Never noticed that Haruhi decided to feel me up for very well near an entire class period. It was disturbing. It started unpleasant, then started to feel sort of good, then quickly got painful with my chest becoming sore. Man, this is almost as bad as having to watch Mikuru be abused to make that asinine movie for the SOS brigade.
With the much awaited end of class, I was promptly dragged to the club room, and met by a second clothing rack, and the shocked, yet still beauteous and divine, face of Miss Asahina. She must have just arrived, given that she was still wearing her school uniform.
"K-K-Kyon? Why are you a girl?" Ah... She's worried about me! This almost makes the day worthwhile, if only because I know Miss Asahina cares.
"She's the second half of our mascot duo! Now down to business!"
What happened next was...
It was...
I feel dirty.
I need a bath. In fire.
"There! The SOS Brigade''s Moe Duo! I think I like you better this way, Kyonko! You've got good taste in underwear, at least! I matches you very well. You'll really help Mikuru pull in attention for the Brigade!" The Playboy Bunny outfit was just as sickeningly pink as my room, and it left next to nothing to the imagination, and offered only a little more support.
"You two look great together! Almost like twins! I bet you'd REALLY get some attention if you made out with each other!" Wait, what?
"Mi-miss Suzumiya! That's hardly appropriate!" Wait, did Koizumi just do something that HELPS me?
"Fine, just go out front and get touchy with each other! This is a prime opportunity, and I plan to capitalize on it!"
"You and Miss Asahina were reprimanded just for handing out fliers dressed like that, I highly doubt that this would turn out any better."
"Oh, dammit! Fine! We'll just see what looks best on Kyonko!"
Disturbingly, they fit me well. I'm not sure if that is because I now have Miss Asahina's build, or Haruhi is even more disturbed than I thought. Best not dwell on that.
"I believe that Kyonko is becoming highly distressed." Oh thank god! Maybe Haruhi'll listen to Koizumi AND Yuki if they tell her to stop.
"You people are all no fun! I still need to take pictures, anyway. It's only fair after she lied to me about deleting the ones I took of Mikuru then jerking the gherkin to 'em!" It's amazing, really. She can justify her actions so well despite multitasking and stripping me to my underwear.
"...Very well." No, don't abandon me, Yuki! Don't leave me to the mad-woman's whims!
"Now, time for a photo-op, girls!" And with that, she started posing us. I must say, it wasn't entirely unpleasant. I liked the shots she did with me and Mikuru... No! Don't give in, Kyon! Stay strong!
"That, was productive! You two look great together!" And after that, well... Everything just petered out for the day. Haruhi left a bit early, followed by Miss Asahina. I gave a quick thanks to Koizumi on his way out, and stayed a bit to talk with Yuki.
"So, Nagato. As you can see, it was me on the phone from before. I need help."
"I am not the best source of information in regards to female social norms, fas-"
"No, I mean getting back to normal."
"That is not possible at this juncture. A surge of data packets from Suzumiya was detected approximately 2 hours after the end of yesterday's meeting. The precise method of how you were transformed without altering history is unknown at this time. Further analysis is needed to determine whether a super splicer was used for genetic recombination and accelerated morphogenesis or if it is a merely aesthetic change with nonfunctional reproductive capabilities. In addition there appears to be a data code embedded within your visage that causes a non-standard response to the change in appearance you have undergone."
"Huh?"
"I cannot change you back at this time due to extenuating circumstances."
With that my hopes for regaining my manhood soon were crushed. And "extenuating circumstances"? That sounds more like personal reasons, such as having to go to a doctor's appointment, than saying Haruhi has curb stomped physics so hard this time that not even Nagato can figure out what she did.
"As such, the advice which I may offer you in this situation would be to simply learn to get used to the change. I may not be able to assist in terms of societal norms or fashion but am still able to help with hygiene and bodily functions."
"Hygiene? Bodily functions?"
"It is vital to organic life forms such as humans to excrete waste matter and toxins from the body. However, the different genders use different organs to excrete liquid waste matter. Additionally, as previously posited, further study is required to determine if the change includes reproductive capabilities, and if so, you shall require instruction on the means of dealing with the results. Namely, menstruation."
Wait, what? I'm going to menstruate?
"Possibly. Further analysis is required to determine if you will or will not."
"Great, just what I need... a whole 'nother problem on top of everything else. What exactly will this 'Further analysis' entail, anyway?"
"For the time being I will just require an extended amount of time in your presence to do the necessary routines."
Well that doesn't sound so bad.
"I may also require direct contact to bypass the interference that is preventing normal reactions from the majority of the population."
Well that could be awkward, holding hands or the like if seen could lead to-
"This would require a full tactile scan of your body to ascertain if there is point by point differ-"
"Hold on there. Nagato… everywhere?"
"Yes."
"Like, even... down there?"
"Down where?"
"You know, down there."
"I do not know."
"My va-va-va-vagina."
"Yes, as well as inside."
"... Wh-what?'
"Was I unclear in my description? I will need to perform a full-body tactile examination of your body, including the exterior and interior of your genitalia, meaning your vagina."
There's no way I can respond to that. I mean, how weird would that be? I haven't even looked at it yet! I'm not going to let someone else poke around inside of it! That's insane!
"I- No, I can't do that."
"Do you not trust me to be careful?"
"No, I just... It'd be really weird, okay?"
"I do not understand. It is a purely clinical examination to determine your fertility or sterility with regards to your newly changed gender in addition to ascertain if the change in your data is uniform or varies according to location."
"That's not the problem, I'm just really not comfortable with it."
"Very well. I most likely will be unable to gather the necessary information to safely return you to your previous form then. I suggest that you attempt to manipulate Suzuyima to change you back. In the mean time I would ask that you make arrangements so that I can have extended contact with you to obtain at least cursory data from other forms of examination."
"You just mean visiting you and the like, right? Nothing…. Like that?"
"Correct. No physical contact would be required, just extended time in a 5 meter radius of you."
"That's not so bad. At least it's not nearly as bad as the tactile examination..."
"Ideal results would be achieved if you were to live in proximity to me, including at night-time. For that purpose, I shall stay at your house for a period of several weeks."
"Wait, what? But... I mean, you're a girl, and I'm..."
"Also a female. There should be no problem. I am able to perform household duties if needed."
"Bu- Tha-... I'll ask my parents..." Just what I needed to cap off what is possibly the strangest day in my life! Yuki, staying at my house! Well, if that's what I need to do, then I guess there's nothing to do about it.
So, this is a collaborative effort by me and a friend. It's both our first fic, and we'd like whatever feedback can be offered.