Chapter 1 - This is the only chapter.
You couldn't stop panting. Nothing but an angry expression and a deep red of hatred flooded your entire face. You looked down at the person you had just stabbed, feeling regret, but at the same time glad you done the deed none the less.
No matter who it was, you would never ever let somebody steal your Cheese & Onion Pringles. Even the mayor's daughter, who was now dead by your hands.
You started rethinking this entire situation. Maybe kidnapping the mayor's daughter was over the top just because she stole one singular Pringle from you, but you didn't care about the Pringle. Well, you did, but it was more about principles. No one would ever steal anything from you and get away with it. Except your heart. Not in a literal sense, that would just be weird.
You heard sirens in the background. You knew you had to run, but where would you go? How long could you outrun them for? The police were onto you. They knew where you were. This plan was all going to shit. What were you going to do?
That's when you remembered you could fly!
"Oh, I almost forgot I had wings. It's because I drank some Red Bull and you know what they say about Red Bull!" You excitedly exclaimed to yourself.
You crashed through the wall in the basement of Honey Boo Boo's apartment complex and flew towards the London Eye, which wasn't too far away. No one would ever suspect that you were the one who killed the mayor's daughter because you were wearing a pink tutu and bunny ears! And you were flying too. There was a few thousand people at the London Eye since it was a Friday in the late afternoon and there was a special offer going on. Many eyes gazed at you when you flew overhead. You desperately felt the need to go to the toilet, but you were on the run (or fly) from the police, so you decided to let it all out whilst you were gliding overhead the crowd. Needless to say, the mother who was the victim of being hit by the brown dumplings that magically appeared out of the sky wasn't very happy. No. That was an understatement.
You had been flying for a few hours now. Tired, you flew down to a nearby abandoned building and decided to break in through the glassy window so you could rest, hiding in a dark room so that even if someone knew you were here, they wouldn't be able to find you before you escaped. You were finally free from the cops. Unfortunately, everyone knew your identity. They all knew your name.
"Shaniqua..."
Little did they know that your name wasn't really Shaniqua, but it was in fact...
"Joseph..."
You jumped up, "who's there and why are you saying my names?" You demanded at once in an authoritative tone.
"THE POLICE!"
A big burly man probably in his late 69's came through, with two big sacks flung over his shoulders, presumably filled with potatoes.
"YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR MURDER!" The big man flung himself at you. You tried to dodge his assault but it was too late. His big stomach smashed into you, rendering you immobile and cornering you against the wall. He handcuffed you with one arm whilst spanking your thighs with the other, making you moan in pleasure. His gigantic hands pushing you down into the ground, making you whelp. The man opened the abyss known as his mouth before blurting out "SHREK IS LOVE! SHREK IS LIFE!" You were terrified of the sight you just witnessed. Behold, as the man spoke those daunting words his face merged into a mountain of chins that threatened to devour everything in its path.
You could only see his big chin face in the corner of your eye. He was giving you a cold stare, and a malice grin. He swiftly grabbed you by your shirt's collar with his meaty palm and fingers, aggressively shaking you before dragging you out of the building. "YOU ARE GOING TO ROT IN JAIL FOR WHAT YOU DID TODAY!"
"Excuse me, Shaniqua, but there seems to be a misunderstanding," said a raspy, low voice.
You got up from your poor excuse of a bed and stared at the man.
"We originally had charged you for murder but we're dropping the charges on you since we found out the truth behind the actions of the Mayor's Daughter" he began, his next words claiming the accent of Indian. "We thought that the attack was unprovoked, but when we got down to the mysterious murder crime scene, we found out that she did indeed as you claimed, steal your Pringle." You chuckled at his incoherent English, but allowed him to continue anyways. "But! That is not all. She also stole your virginity! Nonconsensually!"
You gasped. "My virginity? That explains why I was wet earlier!"
The man spoke up again. "Due to this new found information, we are charging her with both r-r-rape and theft! Your charges have been dropped, and we are giving you compensation money due to the inconvenience caused by this rather tragic and unfortunate event."
The man opened the cell door. You were told that everything had been cleared and signed, and as a result you were free to go. Is this what slaves felt like when they were freed? You finally felt like a true Shaniqua. You could finally announce at last that you were a proud Kentucky Fried Chicken lover.
You got your name legally changed to Shaniqua with the compensation money from that crisis that occurred when you killed the mayors daughter. You then lived happily ever after until you died, and when you were dead you were happy but you were no longer living because you couldn't experience the joys of life or feel happiness (or any emotion in that sense), so there's not really much else to say as a result.
The end!