I'd like to pack this in
And take you to the stars
We'll eat in fancy restaurants
And drive in fancy cars
We've tried our luck, we made a buck
So lean back have some fun
"In this problem Ray GF is perpendicular to Ray GE. So we know that thia angle is a 90 degree angle . . ."
Uuuuuugggggghhhhhh, I groaned silently as I looked at the antique wooden clock that ticked obtrusively beside the black board, a constant reminded that I still had an hour of this insidious geometric torture. I turned my attention to my notes which consisted of neat angles and equations till about a third of the page down where my studious notes disintegrated into whirling doodles and random scribbled musings. I looked at the black board.
Nope, I decided. These notes were too far gone to start anew. Best just continue my doodles . . .
Glancing back up at the clock, the hand of which hardly any further along then when I last checked, I considered it a small wonder they even let us keep clocks in this village at all.
Aren't clocks Mechanical . . . ? Sure, the teachers can have their instruments with which to measure time but I can't even have a calculator with which to do my homework. I sighed, thinking of the long hours I would be spending this weekend working out geometry problems by hand.
"Aaaaand that's all for today. Homework is on the board, don't forget!" Professor Malkins announced a pain filled hour later. I groaned as I hefted the ancient Geometry text book up from my wobbling wooden desk and into my buckskin satchel.
"Hey girl, what's up!" I turned to see my good friend, Janice, skipping lightly up to my side.
"Nothin' much." I shrugged as I made my way out of the rickety barn-styled building that served as our school.
"So, bruh, Kelly and me thought we'd go on down to Chatt for the weekend. Wonderin' if you might wanna join us." Janice smiled excitedly.
I shouldered my satchel indecisively. I decided it would be nice to escape the village and see actual civilization for a change but what with all the geometry homework I had to do I began to contemplate my probability of getting it done before the weeks end.
"I don't know . . ." I began before Janice cut me off.
"Pllleeeeaaase, Unola. It won't as fun with just the two of us!" She frowned at me pitifully.
"It takes almost two hours to get there!" I whined in response. "We won't even have that much time and I have to do my Geometry homework!"
Janice grinned at me. "No, no. We can board up with Rhys! We'll have to whole weekend!" She skipped gleefully. "You can bring your homework with you!"
Rhys was Janice's older brother who, like most of the children of the small no-tech community in which we lived, had moved to the city as soon as he had graduated secondary school. Rhys worked as a bartender on the Delta Queen, Chattanooga's most prestigious restaurant and hotel. The Delta Queen was a large Steamboat that would chug around Chicamauga lake as it's patrons dined before returning to it's docking at the Chattanooga Park when night fell. I had dined there once before and had loved every second. I also had a bit of a crush on Janice's absurdly good looking brother. Sigh.
"Fiiiiine." I sighed in defeat. I had run out of excuses. "BUT, only if ma says I can go."
Janice's smile widened, knowing full and well that my mother tried to push me out to socialize every chance that arose. My mother would be down in Dayton tomorrow, anyhow, selling hand made earthenware crockery for spending money. Most people here had weekend jobs in the city. Depending completely on the land to survive, the residents of our small village had little use for large sums of money.
oOo
At 6:00 our party of three trekked down to the train station to begin our weekend adventure. One and a half hours later, we alighted from the train and began to walk towards downtown Chattanooga. We walked in a tight knot through the dimly lit street as we started off. This particular train station was in a less desirable part of town due to the low number of traversees that frequented the train to Polk county. As we drew closer to Rhys' apartment, Janice gasped and pointed to a rickety motel on the corner of the block.
"Look at that!" In the near empty lot of the hotel sign read:
Shangri-la Hotel brings Cybertronic's new Lover Bot to Chattanooga to fulfill your wildest fantasies! This new love toy will pander to your every need!
Kelly snorted at it.
"I heard Shangri-la was the only hotel chain here to buy those things. They aren't even very real. More like computerized sex dolls." She tossed her head in disgust. Janice frowned at Kelly. Then turned to grin evilly at me.
"We should go try em out." I widened my eyes in shock at her statement.
"Um, we're only sixteen." I reminded her.
"So? Like Kelly said, they're only computerized sex dolls. They classify as masturbatory instruments. They'd let you at one of those things before they'd let you into a sex shop. Besides, when has Shangri-la ever IDed anyone?" Janice looked at me beseechingly. I glanced at the sign:
This new love toy will pander to your every need!
"Janice, I'm afraid I have to put my foot down on this one. There's no way I'm touching one of those things."
Janice looked crestfallen as Kelly and I steered her away from the hotel.
oOo
The weekend passed quickly as we whiled our time away licking ice cream cones as we walked the Walnut Street Bridge at night, listening to the bums strum their guitars and admiring the city lights that bordered each bank of the river. As we packed up, preparing to go home, I suddenly remembered what was missing.
"Oh no! I forgot to do my geometry homework!" I lamented as opened my bag. Janice shrugged.
"Kelly and I are going to do ours when we get home if you want to join." I looked at Rhys' digital clock, it read midnight.
"Are you crazy! It will be two o clock in the morning by the time we get back!" I wailed. Janice shrugged once more. Kelley and her could stay up all night and be no worse for it the next day but I, I was a monster when deprived of the simple necessity of a good nights rest and by the time I got home I would be exhausted.
As we made our way towards the train station my brain clawed desperately for a solution to my math problem.
I could wake up early and do it in the morning . . .
No you can't, stupid! You have geometry first thing! And it will take hours to figure all those problems out by hand . . .
"Oh Kelley, look!" Janice squealed excitedly as she pointed to a brightly lit cafe across the street from the Shangri-la.
"A midnight cafe! Let's get a Coconut Caramel Rainbow Ribbon Ice Cream Choco Latte!" I rolled my eyes.
"Janice, Kelley, we have to go. It's getting late!" But they were already frolicking across the street.
"I'll be here!" I shouted to their retreating backs. I scowled at the sorry excuse for a cafe and its complete perversion of the divine ambrosia know as real coffee.
Well, I thought as I sat down on a nearby bench, at least I'll have time to do some of these geometry problems. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't focus.
If only I had a fucking calculator! The Shangri-la sign blazed distractingly in my peripheral vision. I spared the sign another glance.
This new love toy will pander to your every need!
I turned back to my book.
This new love toy will pander to your every need!
THAT'S IT!
I jumper out of my bench and made my way purposefully over to the Hotel. Once inside I hurried up to the front desk.
"IWantThirtyMinutesWithaLoverBotNowHowMuchPlease!" I sputtered at the man behind the counter. He blinked once, as if he couldn't believe he was actually getting business. My guess was that Lover Bots were not very popular around here. Despite all it's glamour, Chattanooga was still a Southern City, with Southern morals. Not to mention, one only had to go a block down to proposition a very live hooker.
"And what model would you like, Miss? We have-"
"Doesn't matter. Any will do!" The mans eyes widened. I knew I must have sounded like a girl with a bad need.
"Um, room 34. Straight down the hall to your right. That'll be $20."
I laid the cash on the counter and scrambled down the hall as I mused at the cheap rate the Lover Bots were going for. True, they weren't very popular and they didn't take all that much maintenance, I supposed.
As I walked into the room, I glanced around. There, standing by a small, low bed was quite the man.
"Greetings lady, I am Joe." The man had a handsome face but when he spoke it moved hardly at all, like a celebrity who had had way too much botox. His voice, while pleasantly peppered with a smooth southern English accent, had a strange metallic echo. His eyes were a forget me not shade of blue that I found way too superficial as if his makers had just tried too hard. Like a dopey surfer boys eyes on a sophisticated gentleman's face. They just didn't work on him. He began walking towards me. I noted that at least his bodily movements were graceful and fluid.
"Joe" smiled (as best he could) as he stopped in front of me. "And how can I help you." He asked seductively. I smiled evilly back at him.
"Hmmmmm." I began circling him, looking him up and down. "I bet you have people ask for a lot of kinky stuff?" His smiled widened.
"I do what I'm told." He confirmed.
I took my backpack off, walked towards the bed, and began rifling through it. "Cause, you see, I've got this strange fetish."
"We all have our secret desires." He returned. "Just tell me your needs and I will fulfill them."
"Well, you see." I began, looking down shyly as I fiddled with the contents of my back back. "Nothing turns me on . . ." I fished the items out of my bag as he walked over to me, his face seductively questioning.
" . . . quite like a man doing Geometry." I shoved a notebook, pencil, and my antique textbook into his arms and threw myself on the bed.
Joe's eyes widened. He looked down at the books and then back at me. I waved him away.
"Do even problems twelve through seventy, chapter six, exercise eight." Joe opened his mouth to say something but I pressed my finger to his lips and breathed huskily. "No contact . . ." I finished the sentence in a whisper " . . . Just math."
Joe began making a strange metallic clicking that I soon realized was a laugh.
"I can see what your doing. You are trying to get me to do your homework aren't you? How old are you, anyway?"
I glared at him.
"Looky here, Joe. I'm paying you to pander to my sexual fantasies and this happens to be one of them so please continue. I only have thirty minutes." I flung myself back down on the bed. "And be sure to show your work."
Joe continued chuckling as he sat cross legged, with his back leaning against the bed. He took up my pencil.
"Exercise eight, question twelve." He announced.
"Go onnnnnnn." I prompted.
"The measure of angle AZY is two X plus one twenty two degrees. The measure of angle YZS is two plus twenty two degrees. Find the measure of angle YZS."
"Continue . . . " I feigned anticipation. Joe snorted.
"SnortingIsNotPartOfTheFantasyAndIsNotSexy!" I pointed an accusing finger at him.
"Very well, then. Since these are supplementary angles both of these angles will add up to one eighty-"
I closed my eyes and breathed in a deep breath.
"Mmmmmmmmm, supplementary angles. So hot . . ."
Joe stared at me.
"Right. Well, two x plus one twenty two plus two x plus twenty two equals one eighty. Simplified it is-"
"Ooooohhhhh Joe! Yes! Simplify that equation! Simplify it so good!" I moaned.
"Um. So, simplified the equation is four x plus one forty four equals one eighty and then you subtract one forty four from both sides."
"Oh god yes!"
"So now four x equals thirty six. We divide each side by four so now x equals nine. No we plug nine into the equation for angle YZS-"
"Oh, Joe! Too fast! Go slower!" I gasped theatrically.
"S-so, two times nine plus twenty two equals forty. So the measure of the angle of YZS equals forty."
"Oh god! The math! The scratch of the pencil on paper! More problems, Joe! And faster!" I wailed in pretend ecstasy as he sat on the floor chuckling, pencil in hand
oOo
Kay, so I do not own A.I. blah blah blah. The song at the beginning is Hillbilly moon explosion's My Love Forevermore.
I've written Joe as an older model robot but worry not for upgrades are in his future.