She's lost count of the amount of times she has filled up her glass. That's always been her problem, she tells herself if she doesn't let the glass empty then she hasn't got a problem. So she tops it up before it ever gets to be empty and lets the bottles she buys get taken away before she can add them up.
She doesn't drink here much anymore. There's no need for backstreet pubs when your boyfriend owns a classy restaurant with free wine on tap. Tonight, she finds it almost comforting. The noise of others around her going about their daily lives with no idea of the anguish she is facing. Fooling her best friend into thinking it was nothing more than a mere disagreement.
So Carla hides away in the booth, glass after glass, bottle after bottle. But she's realising, much like last time, some pains just can't be numbed.
She feels like she is drowning. Like the world could swallow her up and in a heartbeat she would let it just to stop the aching beat thats coursing through her. She doesn't understand how people don't see it. She feels like pains bleeds from her, like it seeps from her very being and that's when she realises, no matter what life really does go on. With or without you.
She knows Nick is furious, she knows it is him pushing through the Rovers doors even before she sees him because she would know his footsteps anywhere. They usually bring her such comfort.
"What the hell are you playing at Carla?" His words taste like anger and disappointment. And worse, she thinks, because they sound like regret.
She ignores him, pouring out the remainder of what is her third or maybe fourth bottle of wine without even a change to her breathing. His presence has no impact on her. At least not one she shows. Not until his hand swipes the drink from the table and glass smashes at their feet. Red wine seeps into the floor like blood from a body and she is almost sick again.
"You knew how much it meant to me for you to be there today. How could you?" He can feel the crowd of people watching them and he hates himself but his hurt makes him angry. How could she be sitting and so calmly drinking. Drinking of all things. She riles him in a way few have ever done before because he loves her so god damned much. But she seems to refuse to be happy and slowly, it is killing him.
Carla can't handle it anymore. She can deal with his anger but the look of desperation in his eyes is only adding to her heartache. She still hasn't spoken as she clambers up, completely unable to stand unaided as she stumbles past him and the bemused bystanders and lets the cold air of the night hit her with a pained sigh.
Her heels make her almost lose her footing as she tries to make a quick get away. At least she blames it on that and not the alcohol she has consumed, her body so unused to even little amounts these days.
Nick doesn't take long to follow and in his sober state he is far quicker than her. That morning, they had been as happy as ever. Cocooned in their own space, in their own flat, their home. Making plans for the day and the week and the month. Being normal, she would call it. He couldn't fathom the change.
"Carla!" She's barely even half away across the road and Nicks anger almost makes him walk away but he never was one for surrender. It only takes one more step in the silence for him to hear her sobs and suddenly, for less than a second, his world stops. "Carla!"
"I lost the baby!" Her scream rings out in the darkness of the brisk night and she somehow manages to sob the words whilst turning to face him and staying a foot. It is the first time she has said the words aloud and it all becomes so real, too heartwrenchingly real all over again.
"You...I-" his mouth is moving but no words seem to leave, at least not in a coherent fashion. He'd spent the day being furious with her as she screened his calls, unable to believe she'd let him down when he'd pleaded with her to be around for his important work event. They both knew it meant so much to him and yet now, it seems like nothing.
"Nick-" his name sounds like a plea as she drunkenly falls into his chest, she is shivering but he doesn't think it is from the cold. "It's not fair. Not again, not us. Not our baby, Nicky. Not us. Not us." Her hand hits his chest in frustration and all he can do is hold her. It's all either of them can do. Her voice is breathless and tear filled and she sounds exactly how he feels.
When he closes his eyes and his own tears fall, he sees everything flash before him and with each reassuring word he mumbles into her hair he sees another of their plans disappear. He tells her it'll be okay but he doesn't believe it. Neither does she.
"Please."
"Please what?" He doesn't possibly understand what she is asking
"It wasn't my fault."
Now he understands exactly what she is asking. She is asking to not be blamed for their death of their baby as if it could ever be her fault. "Please.." She whispers again and he realises he has not answered and then he realises again that he doesn't know how to.
Instead his finger finds her chin, dragging her face up so her eyes are level with his and then let's his lips press a lingering kiss to her head that says so much more than he ever could.
It doesn't dawn on either of them as she sobs and he mirrors her, that they're still in the street. She half falls to her knees and he falls with her if only to catch her. Neither of them let the fear of being seen like this cause them to move because they're too engulfed with grief to notice. So they stay crying in each other's arms on the pavement floor, the music from the pub and laughter occasionally heard but they both know, their lives will never be the same again.
They stay in this position for what feels like an eternity, Nick only moving when he lets one hand slip from her body and find her hand, letting their fingers entwine.
He can't bring their baby back and he can't take their pain away but this time, he can be there for her. This time, he can hold her hand.
And so he does.