Physical
High, pronounced cheekbones and a small chin.
Blond hair.
A comparatively small mouth with thin lips.
Eyes that don't give anything away.
It has been a long time since he has looked at the fading photographs of his mother.
House stole a slide - Chase doesn't want to think about how he got his hands on it; it tells a lot about the man if he is capable of breaking into his apartment and searching the place for a picture of his mother for sheer amusement and the prospect of humiliating him.
Still, Chase is surprised and shocked when he presents it to the team.
Knowing House for more than eight years now, there must be some deeper meaning to it, and he doesn't know whether he should deepen the subject, or just leave things well alone. This was House being House of course, but Chase also knows him well enough to realize that House wouldn't act cruelly if there wasn't a lesson to learn (although, all things considered, he probably could, but the final conclusion is somewhat frightening, and he doesn't think he's ready to face the truth just yet).
Snapping at bait that House throws out is like a Hail Mary. For the better or the worse, he cannot say.
He places the thumbed photo on the table next to their wedding picture.
They do look alike.
His mother; Kelly Benedict; his ex-wife.
The resemblance is so striking that he is surprised to not have noticed before.
Admittedly, it is not really that surprising. He knows that certain preferences already manifest in childhood; scientific studies have confirmed that men will often seek for their mothers in their potential partners.
It's purely physical.
Nothing but a shell.
He wonders, for the first time, if he knew anything about her at all.
He remembers the smell of her hair.
He remembers her favorite flowers, and what colors she prefers in her wardrobe.
He knows that he liked when she unconsciously clung to him at night, sound asleep, but he has no idea why she did it.
What did he see in her?
Why did he fall for her so hard when everything he remembers is a beautiful woman who loved peonies, had sex with him, agreed to marry him, and left him when he needed her most?
This is where he can see his mother in her: impenetrable and not being able - or willing - to give back; to give him something that he believes he is entitled to because he is her partner, her husband, the man she loves.
He's not even sure about that anymore.
He is far from reducing her to cheekbones and hair color, but he wonders how much more he had ever been allowed to see.
How much more she could have given him but never did; something that would have been worth to love, simply because it belongs to her, and her alone.
Because it belongs to the girl he has married.
Because it belongs to the woman he promised to love.
She is not willing to give more, and he's not able – or willing – to let her go.
House assumes he lacks an emotional connection since she has left him.
Chase finds it amusing and telling at the same time that House must know better, because he suggests a fixation on his mother in his next move.
This is where he contradicts himself.
He throws everything against the wall to see which of his theories will stick.
Common sense tells him that there has been no emotional connection between them; not in the way he was seeking for.
Ironically, House does have a point. She is like his mother.
Truth is a bitter pill to swallow, but he came to accept it when she shows up to make him sign the papers of their divorce.
Her farewell, once again, is nothing more than physical.
It's nothing but a physical connection, because there could never be more between them.
He knows that now, but it doesn't make him feel any better.
All of the people I work with, you're the one I'm least likely to fall in love with.
As always, she stayed true to her principles.
Sometimes he thinks he has forced something upon her that she never really wanted.
Sometimes he thinks he has tampered with her as she did with him.
Only now he understands that he was driven by the fear of abandoning the illusion that she loved him.
He always fought for her (in retrospect, he hardly ever succeeded, and whenever he did, it felt like a Phyrric victory), but he is no longer sure whether he wants to call it love or desperation.
Maybe he purposely deluded himself into something that was never there in the first place.
Maybe everything he saw were pronounced cheekbones and gentle eyes, and it was all there was.
He looks at the photographs; a pretty young woman who smiles into the camera, but he knows her no better than what he can see on glossy paper.
She's headstrong.
She has her own moral compass.
She has the tendency to not let him into her life.
She has a tendency to hold on.
She can't let go of the people she loved, but she leaves him behind.
What does it say about their relationship?
All he can see now is the fact that she never needed him the way he needs someone.
He fell for her strength, her wit, her doll-like face, but she never allows him to feel needed.
She sets up the rules by her principles, and when he breaks one, she breaks with him.
This is the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
How well does he know her?
He's not even sure anymore.
He knows every angle of her body, but he knows nothing about what's going on in her mind.
Because he never questioned her. He simply accepted and hoped for the best.
He can't help but compare her with Kelly Benedict.
They do look alike, admittedly, but they couldn't be more different.
She is openly vulnerable.
She's not afraid to show weakness in front of him.
She confides in him, accepts his support, and even shows gratitude.
He feels good in her presence, and he still can't quite grasp the reason.
It has never been like this with Cameron.
Then, it hits him.
Kelly had allowed him to be strong. He never felt the same with his wife.
He once again takes the photos and compares their faces.
The same smile.
Same shape of face.
But Cameron has little of his mother, and Dr. Kelly Benedict has nothing of Cameron.
It remains on the surface.
A façade that attracts him.
It turns his marriage into something superficial, and he feels disappointment and relief at the same time.
Disappointment because it takes House to make him see the truth.
Relief, because he can now release her.
Because maybe he never really loved her at all.
The thought is easier to bear than to think that it might have been different.
Fin