Journal Entry: One

September 3, 842

Erwin came by today. As soon as I opened the door, I knew something was wrong. The energy around him was not his normal, happy, and stoic energy. It was one of despair. The look on his face confirmed it. I let him in and noticed that he was carrying a package.

"Is Macon here as well?" he asked.

"No. He's over at our uncle's house. He should be back shortly. Do you want me to make you some tea while you wait?" I asked, turning towards the kitchen.

"No. Thank you. I must be quick. There are a few more stops I need to make before dark."

"Oh. Okay. Well, um, what is it you that you need to say?"

"You might want to sit down," he said quietly.

We walked together into the living room where we both took a seat on the couch.

"You know that you and your brother have been around the Survey Corps for most of your life, and you know that you two are like family to us. We would do absolutely nothing to hurt you guys-"

I cut him off. "Erwin, just say it. I don't care what it is, just say it."

He took a deep breath. "Your mother and father—they were both killed today during the expedition. I'm so sorry," he said sorrowfully and hung his head.

There was a slight moment of silence until I broke it by asking how they died.

"Are you sure you want to know? I don't want you to be having nightmares."

"Erwin, I am eighteen years old. I am not a child anymore. Now, please, tell me."

"Your mother was decapitated by a Titan. Your father—your father had his legs bitten off and bled to death." I sat there, absorbing what he said. "Here," he said, handing me the package.

I took the package and looked up at Erwin. Tears pricked his eyes as he tried to keep his feelings contained. Mom and Dad were close friends to Erwin, and their death was clearly tearing him apart. I had only seen Erwin cry once before in my lifetime, and it was when he was supposed to be looking over me when I was about five years old. I played dead and acted out the part a little too well. When he found out that I was just playing, he got so angry with me.

I opened the package and at first, I thought it was just some bloody, green cloth. I took the cloth out and saw that it was my mother's cloak. I could only tell it was hers by the blood stains near the neck.

It became so surreal in that one moment. The dam broke, tears poured down my cheeks. Gross sobs came from me as I buried my face in the cloak. It still smelled like her: warm vanilla and brown sugar. After a moment, I stifled the sobs, wiped my nose with my sleeve, and looked up at Erwin. His face was red and puffy as he wiped a silent tear away.

"The burning of the bodies will occur at sunset. We would like it if you and Macon were attend."

The front door opened and closed, and Macon walked in. He saw our red faces.

"What's going on?" he asked.

Erwin stood up and looked at me as I stood up as well. "I should leave you two be. I need to make the rest of my stops. Will I see you two tonight?"

"Yes," I responded quietly.

Erwin walked away and out the door, giving my brother a saddened look. Macon looked back at him with a slightly confused look. After Erwin closed the door, Macon ran up to me.

"What is going on?" he asked again, only this time, he was more anxious.

"Um," I sniffled. "Macon, Mom and Dad are dead," I choked. "They died during the expedition. Erwin just came by to tell us, and he brought their cloaks. Dad's is on the couch." I burst into tears once more and held Mom's cloak to my chest.

Macon pushed past me to the parchment. He just stood there, staring at the blood covered cloak. He just stood there. The tears came and then the gasps for air. Sobs racked his body. I walked over to him and gave him the tightest hug ever.

My brother and I are thicker than blood, and being a twin just makes our connection even stronger. Most of the time, we can feel each others feelings even when we are not together. The emotions today and probably for a long while will run high. Our emotions in that moment ran so deep, we both felt double the sadness.

Honestly, I didn't want to go to the mass funeral tonight, but I did...for my brother. He had a stronger bond with our parents than I ever did, and I knew he would want to go, so I put on a brave face and went for him.

Before we went, I filled the washbasin with hot water and placed in the cloaks. We couldn't just have bloody cloaks lying around the house. We then got dressed in slightly better clothes and made our way to headquarters.

When we got there, bodies were still being out in a pile. At one point, I overheard that it was almost half of the soldiers. Family members of the other soldiers started to arrive, most of them fell to the ground in a heap of sadness at the sight of the bodies. There were just so many. I looked away to keep from accidentally seeing Mom or Dad. I could feel the tears coming once more, but I held them back. I then saw a face that I would not have expected to see: Uncle Grisha. I tapped Macon on the shoulder and gestured towards our uncle, our dad's brother.

"Let's go talk to him," I suggested.

Macon nodded in agreement, and we walked over.

"Hi, Uncle Grisha," Macon said.

He adverted his gaze from the bodies over to us.

"Macon, Charli, how are you two holding up?" he asked us.

"About what you'd expect us to be, I guess," I said.

"Is Eren here?" Macon asked, looking around.

"No," Uncle Grisha said. "Carla didn't want Eren to come. She didn't want him to be scarred for life or anything. Plus, you know exactly how she feels about the Survey Corps."

We nodded in agreement. Our little cousin, Eren, looked up to our father. He was constantly over at our house, especially when our parents were home. One time, Macon and I sneaked him over to headquarters, but Aunt Carla found out and gave us a good scolding. We never tried to sneak him over again after that.

"I'm honestly surprised she allowed you over here," I noted.

"Well, I am a grown man, Charli. I can go where I want to when I want to," he said in a smart-alack tone.

I never really did like Uncle Grisha. There was just something about him that made me uneasy.

"Well, okay. I'm going to, um, go find Erwin," I said and walked off.

It wasn't technically a lie. I did want to find Erwin to see how he was doing and to see if I could cheer him up, but I mainly just wanted to get away from my uncle. As I looked around to find the blonde leader, I accidentally bumped into someone. It was Levi.

"Oh. Sorry, Levi," I said.

"It's alright," he said, which caught me off guard.

He usually wasn't as nice, but my guess is that he must know how I felt and bad memories kept flooding back to him.

"Um, have you seen Erwin around?"

"No, he has not made it back yet. He must still be out telling the family members."

"Oh. Okay then. Thanks anyway."

Levi then started to walk off.

"Wait, Levi," I said in his direction. He stopped and turned around.

Suddenly, we heard, "Pour the gasoline!" and then "Light the match!" The pile of bodies went up in flames. My throat hitched, and I couldn't breathe. My heart felt heavy. Tears fell from my face, but I couldn't feel them. This was goodbye. Soon, my parents and their comrades and friends would soon be ashes, people I grew up with, some that I did not. I mostly thought of the soldiers' families. You could hear their screams as the putrid, acrid smell of burning flesh filled the air. I felt pressure on my shoulder. I looked over to see that Levi had placed his hand on my shoulder as if to comfort me. I could tell that he was holding back tears, but for a different reason.

"Levi," I started again, "how did you get through Isabel's and Farlan's deaths?"

"I haven't," he said gruffly, but I knew it was to hide the sadness in his voice. "I still think about them a lot, but there is nothing I can do to bring them back, so I try not to dwell on it."

I remember the brief time that Isabel and Farlan were here. It was when Levi first came. They were all together—best friends from the underground city, but they had an unbreakable bond between them. They were hoodlums, I guess you could say. I heard that it was very rough underground. They just did what they had to to survive. However, they always dreamed of reaching the surface. One day, there was a man who decided to strike a deal with the trio. He said that all they had to do was retrieve a document from Erwin and then kill him, and they would then have citizenship on the surface. They agreed. They stole some food later that day and were caught by the Survey Corps. They all had the choice to either join or to be taken in to the Military Police where they would then receive their punishments for all of their crimes. They decided to join the Survey Corps, but not for the reason that Erwin was thinking of. During an expedition that the three went on, it started to rain. They decided then that it would be the perfect time to lay out their plans to get the document and kill Erwin. Levi was going to go on his own and catch up with Isabel and Farlan afterward. The plan never carried out. Levi came face to face with Isabel's head. Her body had been eaten by a Titan. Farlan's body received the same gruesome end as my father's. Erwin then came up and told Levi that he knew about the plan all along, and told him that he would regret it if he were to kill him. Levi chose to do right and not kill Erwin and to stay in the Survey Corps.

Isabel was kind to me, and so was Farlan. They treated me like family. Macon tended to stay away from the bunch, because, supposedly, they scared him. Levi thought I was a nuisance and just a bratty fourteen-year-old, but there were some moments that he showed that he really did care about me. Those moments passed quickly though, and soon enough, we would be bickering again. But after Isabel and Farlan were killed, he avoided me for a while—about two years really because he thought that I told Erwin about their mission. I finally cornered Levi and gave him an ear full. He then slowly began to talk to me again. It wasn't until about four months ago that he and I became friends again. Things finally got back to normal between the two of us, and I hope that it will stay that way.

I started this journal diary thing because I don't want to just be other people's memories after I die. I want other people to know what my life was like from my perspective, not just what they know about me. My parents' deaths got me thinking about that. Neither of them had a journal that they kept. All there are is letters, and they didn't say much. The letters didn't give out their true thoughts and feelings, but I think my journal will do just that. After I die, I want my kids to have something to look back on me with. I also think that this journal is the only thing that will keep me sane, especially in the years to come. I plan on going to talk to Erwin tomorrow to get me into training so I can join the Survey Corps. I talked to Macon about it earlier, and I think he wants to do the same thing. Who knows. But whatever happens, it will all be kept here in this little leather bound book. Maybe the city will get demolished by Titans, and it will be left in the rubble, and a few hundred—maybe even a thousand years from now, someone can find it. They will read it and be transported into the past and know first-hand what it was like as someone from this time.

-Charli Jaeger