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"I was with someone." The words spilled out of my mouth before I could stop them. I was so conflicted. I had too many emotions at the same time and I felt drained. Anger. Fear. Sorrow. But most of all? Loss. Because after this I knew there was no way I would ever get Kurt back..

"It was Sebastian wasn't it?" He was angry. He had every right to be. I was angry at myself. I still am.

"No, it.." I sighed.

"..It wasn't Sebastian but it doesn't.." I sighed again.

"It didn't mean anything. Look it was just a hook up okay?" He was tearing up and oh God I can't believe I did this. I put that look on his face. I hate myself. His voice was quivering when he spoke next.

"Then who was it?"

"It doesn't matter who it was with, Kurt. What matters is that I was by myself. I needed you. I needed you around and you weren't there. And I was lonely and I'm-I'm really sorry.." I was on the verge of tears now. I had to focus on breathing right and not losing it. I didn't deserve to lose it. I broke HIS heart. He didn't do it. I did it. Me.

"And you don't think that I've been lonely? You don't think that I've had temptations? But I didn't act on it because I knew what it meant. And when something horrible and awful and.." He couldn't speak anymore.

"I'm so sorry Kurt, I really am." He ran away and I chased after him all the way back to the apartment even though I just wanted to collapse. I couldn't allow myself to though. I had to try and fix what I've done. He went to slam the door and I quickly wedged my hand between it and the wall so it wouldn't close but I couldn't stop it from moving and crushed my hand crying out in pain. Kurt quickly rushed back and flung the door open looking worried and scared even though he was hurt. He was about to look at my hand but I backed away from him quickly.

"N-no! I deserve this Kurt! I deserve all the pain there is in this world because of what I did to you." That's when I finally collapsed and the dam broke. Tears were flooding rapidly down my face blurring my vision as I just broke not even feeling the pain in my hand anymore. I was clutching my heart. I couldn't breath. I can't believe I did this to us. I ruined everything. I curled myself into a ball and just laid there wishing I could die. But then I found myself enveloped in a pair of familiar arms.

"N-n-no.." I pushed him away as best I could but I was so weak. I didn't want his comfort. I wanted to be in this pain that I caused. I wanted to take Kurt's pain away and make him forget I ever existed. But I couldn't. So I just laid there and cried out all of the tears I had left in me not responding to his touch or his empty words of comfort. I just want to die. Finally it seemed like I was done but all that was left of me was an emotionless shell of a body. I didn't feel anything. I just shut down. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I doubt Kurt is any better considering his sobs that I heard that night but nothing penetrated that wall of self-hate that I had around my heart.

The next morning I woke up and Kurt wasn't in bed. Finn was already gone I assume seeing that his bag wasn't by Rachel's suitcase anymore. He was sitting in a chair his legs curled up against his chest looking..Closed off? I don't know. I just stood there silently waiting for him to notice me. He looked up at me just as expressionless.

"Goodmorning." Is all he said with the same emotionless expression. I felt my eyes well up with tears and my voice crack as I spoke.

"I uh.." I had to clear my throat to get it out there.

"I think I should go..So..I'm uh..I'm sorry Kurt..I love you and..I'm just sorry..Goodbye.." The tears poured down my face silently as I walked toward the door having changed into the clothes I came in since I didn't bring anything with me.

"Wait..Just..We need to talk Blaine..You don't get to just walk away.." I rested my head on the door my body shaking with silent sobs.

"I..I can't..I can't let you forgive me..I know if we talk you will and I can't let you.." I went to open the door but a hand stopped me and furiously pulled me back turning me around to face him only to be smacked in the face hard. I cried out in pain and clutched to my cheek the tears blurring my vision once again. I didn't cower away though.

"P-please Kurt..Hurt me..Hit me..Beat me up..I deserve it please! Kill me if you want!" I got down on my knees ready for more blows to come.

"I'm not going to do that. That would mean you get the easy way out. And I don't hurt people. But you are not walking out that door. We are talking about this so get your cheating ass up and lets talk!" I got up on shaky knees only to collapse again. Rachel was peeking out from the curtain and seeing that I collapsed again in sobs ran over to me and pulled me into her arms soothing me. I clutched to her crying into her shoulder just repeating "I wanna die." over and over again. Rachel looked up at him horrified as his face just crumbled. He got down next to me and pulled me into his arms.

"I love you Blaine..We are going to be okay..I promise..I told you..You aren't going to lose me.." I clutched to Kurt like a lifeline.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please I'm sorry, don't hate me please!" I couldn't get enough breaths my lungs were on fire. Kurt pulled me out of the hug and cupped my cheek holding a hand to his heart.

"Blaine. Listen to me. If you just feel my heartbeat it will keep you breathing. Inhale slowly..Good..Good..Now exhale slowly..Keep doing it..You're doing great.." When I finally managed to calm down he wiped my remaining tears away and held my face in his hands. I didn't move my hand from his heart. It's like it was glued there.

"I promise Blaine..This heart will always keep your heart beating..We will get past this..But I need you to tell me..How far did you go with him?" I hung my head and started talking.

"I uh..I just..I knocked on his front door and..I just couldn't do it..It felt wrong..So I ran..I ran straight to you.." He sighed in relief. Then he looked angry again and had tears flooding his eyes.

"What on earth would make that cheating?! You knocked on his door and ran off! Don't scare me like that you big collosal jerk!" He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight whispering sweet nothings in my ear.

"I-it just..It felt like cheating..I c-couldn't stand myself.." I hugged him back burying my face in his neck and breathing him in.

"Blaine..You didn't do anything with him..You didn't cheat..I mean I can't really blame you since you were with me in Ohio when I did all that stuff with Chandler..Your only human honey..We make mistakes..But we are okay..I promise..I love you."

"I love you too, Kurt. I will never do that again. I just needed your reassurance and..and you weren't answering your phone..I just couldn't take it..So I realized I just should have flown here and confronted you..But I was always an idiot..Ever since Teenage Dream.." He kissed the top of my head.

"We got through this. We can get through anything. But no more almost cheating on eachother. If we want out of this relationship ever we need to say it no matter how sad it will make the other." I was breathless as I said this.

"I never want out when it comes to you Kurt Hummel..My heart..It has your signature all over it.."

"And mine has yours Blaine Anderson..Ever since Teenage Dream.."

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