A/N: Spoilers for 2x10 as this is a post finale one shot. Just something quick and emotional because I am desperate to see how these two move forward once they save the day and Future Lyatt go home. Happy reading!
angellwings
For Future Reference
By angellwings
"We know what we are but not what we may be." - William Shakespeare, Hamlet
Lucy leans against the metal counter beside the stove and watches Rufus and Jiya as she sips her tea. She smiles wistfully as she holds the mug to her lips. The mug is still full but the tea is lukewarm. She is too busy enjoying the sight of having her friend back. Too busy replacing the image of his lifeless body with the image of his warm and laughing expression as he and Jiya play chess. He doesn't remember that he died but they told him. They told him because they know it is going to take time to adjust to having him back. Lucy hugs him every morning now. Because he is Rufus and he is the best of any of them. Because she once had to comprehend doing this without him. Because she still remembers what it was like to lose him.
To lose everything.
They couldn't save her mother or her sister but they saved Rufus.
She is relieved. She is grateful. She is happy. And happy is foreign to her now. The last three weeks were nothing but pain and loss, as if someone checked off a list of all that was important to her. Actually, that is exactly what Rittenhouse did, she realizes. Well, what Emma did.
Her mother.
Her friends.
Her sanity.
Her sister.
Her history.
Wyatt.
She remembers Future-Wyatt with his beard. She didn't love or hate the beard but it certainly didn't make him any less attractive to her either. She remembers his words when they split off from their Lucy and Wyatt.
"You always have too much patience with me. I don't know how you do it but I never question it because I need it. I'm an impulsive idiot who is always slowly learning to consider the," he paused and smirked at her before continuing. "The possibilities of what could happen before I act. The rewards or, more likely, given my luck, the consequences. It took him too long to see what you are to him. He knows now. I was him. I know what's going on in his head. Everything is a mess. Everything but you. In the middle of all the wreckage of his life you are the only thing that makes sense. So, those three words he confessed, I know you doubt them. I don't blame you for that. But those words are the god honest truth. No matter what other lies you are told, by him or by others, those words are always true when they leave his lips. Especially when directed at you."
She isn't sure why she trusts Wyatt-of-the-future's words more than her present Wyatt's but she does. He looks confident and assured and his Lucy looks at him like 1941 was just yesterday. She knows herself and she knows what she saw on her own face. She still loves Wyatt years from now. Loves him more, if that's possible.
After everything they are struggling with, thanks to 1888 and the weeks leading up to it, she finds that fact hard to reconcile. Not that she will still love Wyatt. She's loved him through all their darkest places, which she didn't know she could do. The unconditional nature of what she feels for him surprises her. But that's not what she struggles with. She struggles with the idea of loving him more.
Loving him as much as she does now hurts enough, does she really want to take on more of that? Should she really give Rittenhouse more ammo against her? They will always play with her life like it's their own personal board game. The longer she fights them, the more they will take. But she can't give up the fight. The people in this bunker are the only people who can fight them. They have to keep going. That isn't a choice.
But loving Wyatt…
That's a choice.
She made that choice in 1941 and it ended with her heart in tattered pieces that she is just starting to tape back together. She made that choice and paid for it with blood and tears. Choosing him is a risk. But is it a risk worth taking? Is it a future worth having?
She thinks of the version of her from the future and how easy touching her Wyatt was for her. She used to be like that. Seeking out the tiniest opportunities to place a hand on his shoulder or his arm or his back. She misses being that person. The memories of their future selves prove that she can find her way back to that. They tempt her and give her hope. They are broken but they can be fixed.
They are broken but they are not shattered.
Surely, it will be easier to fight Rittenhouse and all they may try to take from her with Wyatt by her side. But is her Wyatt as stalwart as Future Wyatt? That Wyatt was unflinching in his place beside of Lucy Preston. Does she believe her Wyatt is capable of that? Does she trust that if she chooses him that he'll choose her in return? And that he'll keep choosing her day after day, year after year, decade after decade?
"I know this place looks the same as it did before we left with Future-Us," a familiar voice says from her right. "But this timeline's bunker is a definite improvement to the one we left."
She turns her head and her eyes automatically find Wyatt's. Her Wyatt's. The one who quickly shaved as soon as they returned to the present. She misses the stubble but is relieved he decided to stop the beard before it ever began. Too much, too soon, she thinks. Too close to the future they caught a brief glimpse of.
"It's happier, for one," he explains, even though she doesn't ask. "And two, the bathroom actually has a working lock."
He's grinning at her with eyes so full of mirth that she can't help but reflect that same grin back at him.
"The timeline didn't fix the bathroom lock," she tells him with a smirk. She knows what she says next will get at least the smallest rise out of him. "Garcia Flynn did."
That earns her an eye roll and a scoff. "So he's a handyman now in addition to a terrorist?"
"It would seem so. He got tired of people not abiding by the chair system and figured out how to fix it," She says with a shrug.
Wyatt gives her a crooked grin and looks much too amused by that fact. "Who did he walk in on?" He asks.
"Mason," She answers with a laugh.
"I would have paid good money to see his reaction," Wyatt replies with a light laugh.
Lucy realizes then that it's nice to laugh with him again. She misses it. She misses these light inconsequential moments between them. She still feels the undercurrent of awkward tension that's been following them around since Jessica resurfaced but it's different than it was before. There's hope there now and the promise of a discussion they haven't had yet. A discussion that she finds herself looking forward to.
"I've been watching the two of them for nearly twenty minutes now," Lucy admits with a sigh. "He was only gone for a matter of hours but I saw him after he- I still have this feeling of dread like…"
"Like he's not really back? Like we'll wake up in the morning and all of this will have been a dream?" Wyatt asks as he gives her a knowing glance. "Yeah, I've got that too."
"Saving the people we love has either gone horribly wrong or proved impossible," she says with a heavy sigh. "I'm afraid this might backfire somehow. Like my mother or—"
"Or Jessica," Wyatt says as he finishes her sentence for her.
His eyes look haunted for a moment and she feels guilt over bringing up the person who so effortlessly ripped them apart, but it needs to be said. They need to acknowledge it.
"Rufus isn't your mother. He wasn't sick, Lucy. He wasn't a side effect of some other change. And he wasn't revived by Rittenhouse either. He was brought back by us. You and me. Two versions of us, in fact," he assures her. When he continues he sounds angry, frustrated, regretful. It's a combination she knows too well. "This won't end like either of those situations. That is our Rufus. I know it. And he was not fated to die. Fate is bullshit. Time is fragile and it can change at any moment over the stupidest things. What matters are our choices and how we make those choices. I am through overanalyzing what's right and what's wrong. My head has played tricks on me one too many times. From now on, I'm listening to my gut. My heart. If I had done that from the beginning I wouldn't have fucked it all up."
Lucy sighs and places a comforting hand on his arm. For once the gesture doesn't feel like a betrayal of her feelings. "You weren't the only who should have listened to their gut. If we're being honest, then I share some blame too."
He laughs bitterly and shakes his head. "Hell no. No you don't, and I'm not going to let you take any of that on. Lucy, you were the only one of all of us who had nothing to do with any of our failures and yet you're the one who suffered the most. You've never once deserved any of the pain that was tossed your way. Not once."
She shakes her head at him and tries to argue. "But I've thought about it and I cou-"
He places his hands on her shoulders and meets her eyes as he cuts her off. "No. Nope. Stop. You did the only thing you could do. I was the one who needed to get my shit together. I knew my feelings and it wasn't fair for me to try and lean on you for a solution. It had to be me, and I failed spectacularly at that. In true Logan family tradition it was too little, too late."
She glances down at his hands on her shoulders and marvels at the comfort the small gesture brings her. After all the pain in between them how was it possible? She knows he takes her silence to mean something else because he removes his hands from her shoulders and gives her half of a sheepish smile.
She bites her bottom lip nervously and averts her gaze to the bunker floor before she replies, "I don't know about that. It might not be too late exactly."
He takes in a sharp breath and she can hear his emotional gulp in the silence that falls between them. There's a long pause before he finally seems to find his voice. When he speaks his voice is low and hoarse and filled with disbelief.
"It's-its not?"
"I'm not saying it will for sure happen again either," she adds with a sigh. "But I know my feelings are definitely still there, Wyatt. So, it's not too late. I just...I have concerns. Reservations."
"Yeah, I figured that. She said you would," Wyatt admits, in reference to her future self.
"What all did she tell you?" Lucy asks curiously.
"Not much," Wyatt answers. "Mostly that we'll always be in each other's lives...kicking ass and saving the world. That it wouldn't be easy to stick together but that we would manage it. Told me I needed to let you define us and actually listen this time. She warned me that Jessica wasn't done and to be careful. That the Jessica they knew in the future was more likely to mess with my head than tell me the truth. Nothing that gave away too much but enough for me to infer…." He lets his sentence trail off and nervously rubs the back of his neck as he avoids looking at Lucy's face.
"To infer what?" She asks.
"That I lost my chance," he says on an exhale, as if ripping off a band aid. "That we may be friends and partners when it comes to saving Rufus and saving history, but that beyond that I will lose you. I will never have 1941 back. That we won't be able to go back to that ever again. Which is fine, really. It's what I deserve, isn't it? To be close to you but not be with you? That's the way I atone for all I did to you and that seems pretty damn fair, if you ask me."
Her brow furrows at him because that is not the impression she received from Future Wyatt or Future Lucy. She didn't talk much to Future Lucy, she was a little afraid of what she would learn from her, but what she saw in her body language and her expressions was instantly recognizable to Lucy. Wyatt knows how to read her better than anyone. Sometimes too well she thinks. How did he, of all people, not see that? The pain and guilt she finds in his eyes when she manages to look at them is all the answer she needs. He saw only what he felt he deserved. They were both broken, she knew that, but the idea that Wyatt traded guilt over Jessica's death for guilt over what happened between the two of them brings immediate tears to her eyes. Will he ever just be able to live his life and be happy? Will she? Why do they seem to keep torturing themselves and each other?
The image of Future Lucy's hand skimming across Future Wyatt's back as they all settled into the Lifeboat springs to mind suddenly and the affection in the gesture fills her with warmth. She mentally reviews the dozens of little touches, soft glances, and tiny smiles the older versions of themselves exchanged and her sadness is slowly replaced with hope. She realizes then that, whether they intended to or not, their future selves gave them a gift. Much like that flash drive Lucy gave Denise Christopher in 1981, knowing to some degree what was to come was a gift. It was hope. Someday they would be that again. Affectionate, happy, in love. Yes, the Future was fragile and likely it changed the minute they saved Rufus, but it showed her something. Something she'd nearly forgotten.
It showed her the possibilities.
The possibilities of a future with Wyatt Logan by her side, looking at her like she was the sun and the stars, as his future self had done. It happened to one version of them. It could happen again.
His tortured blue eyes were still boring into hers as her brow relaxed and a small smile spread across her lips. He looks so heartsick over her. Her smile eases some of the pain but it doesn't go away. She reaches out and cups his face in her hands, thumbs tracing over his clean shaven face. If it weren't for the guilt and pain in his face he would look at least five years younger. She pulls his forehead to hers and shakes her head against his.
"Funny how we experienced the same bizarre adventure and came away with two totally different interpretations," she tells him. "Because what I saw was hope. I saw two people in love. Two people who stood by each other's sides through intense heartbreak and loss. Two people who were stronger together because of it. Two people that could eventually be us."
His eyes met hers and a confused wrinkle settles into his forehead. He looks at her in disbelief, like he doesn't dare hope he heard her correctly. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying I don't think moving forward from here will be easy, Wyatt, but I think we can do it," Lucy says as she takes a deep steadying breath. "It won't be the same. We'll have to make some changes but-"
"Whatever you want," Wyatt replies immediately. His eyes are glassy and he wears a warm smile. His expression is ardently adoring, so much so that it nearly steals the breath from her lungs. "Anything you want."
It takes her a moment to recover from his gaze boring into hers and she has take a step back from him before she can continue.
"I want communication. No more secrets, no more lies - not even to ourselves. I can't do this unless we're both open with our thoughts and feelings. I'm including myself in that because, as much as you want to keep all of the blame for yourself, at least a small portion of it belongs to me. I could have spoken up for myself and told you what I really wanted. I could have listened to you when you tried to tell me that you weren't completely happy - and you did try, Wyatt. I see that now." She pauses and then grins teasingly at him. "I mean you could have tried a little harder and used clearer words, but as a professor I'm not above giving you a passing grade for effort."
"I appreciate that, ma'am," he says as he gives her a lopsided smirk that's followed by a sheepish nod. "No more secrets. No more lies. I promise."
"Whatever we go through," Lucy says as she makes sure to meet his intent stare with her own. "We go through it as a team and we face it together, even if it might be hurtful for the other person to hear. If you disappear on me again then we're done. It won't matter what your intention is or how impossible the situation seems."
His expression sobers and he nods resolutely. "Yes, ma'am."
He says it like he's responding to a direct order from his commanding officer and it sends a small thrill up her spine. The idea that he takes her word as seriously as an official mission is too gratifying for her to process in that moment. She files away the steel in his gaze and the determination in his stance to remember and examine later, when she isn't standing in front of him with her mouth slightly agape as it always is when he surprises her.
"Okay," she replies after a prolonged moment. "Then we start over and we see where it goes. Hopefully, it leads us to those two people who helped us save Rufus."
"Without the beard though," Wyatt adds with a smirk. "Seeing it on your future self is better than seeing it in a mirror. Not a good look for me."
Lucy bites her bottom lip, grins flirtatiously at him, and then shrugs. "I don't know. I kind of liked it. But if you don't like the full beard, at least let the stubble grow back. The babyface thing you have happening right now is just too much for me."
"You liked the beard?" Wyatt asks with a skeptical quirk of a lone brow.
"Well, I didn't hate it," she offers with a soft blush. "It made you look very, um, rugged."
His brows raise and an amused smile spreads across his face before he chuckles and nods. "Good to know. For future reference."
Now it's her turn to chuckle at him with a playful roll of her eyes. "Really?"
He lifts a shoulder carelessly and grins. "Hey, it's the hand I'm dealt and these are the jokes."
"Well, no wonder Future-You didn't tell any then. He must have known better," she teases with a smirk.
Wyatt's smile falls and his face becomes a sincere mix of affection and conviction as he replies, "I certainly hope so."
She sees a flash of Wyatt's future self in that moment and her earlier doubts about whether or not he has the ability to be as steadfast as the other Wyatt suddenly seem silly. He will get there. Of course, he will get there. She will get there too.
And they will get there together.