The Vicar Of Forks- The Handsome Stranger
AN: This is a little plot bunny that's been hopping around in my brain for a while. It's strongly based on The Vicar Of Dibley, but with Twilight characters instead. Also, there are going to be a few scenes towards the climax that were never in the episode, but I think they'll work all the same. Although all of my characters are going to be human, Alice is still going to have the ability of seeing some future events.
Theme Song:
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
He leadeth me beside the still waters
Still waters...
In the lovely little town of Forks, in the Washington State of the good old US of A, at the vicarage, another Parish Council Meeting was taking place.
"And I was down to the two boxes. 250 thousand dollars in one box, 10 cents in the other. " Elderly Eric York said with a grin. He was a lovely, elderly, Asian man, but like most of the inhabitants of Forks, he was also completely insane.
"And the banker offered me 100 thousand dollars, and no, no, no, Noel Edmonds, who was doing a special episode here, asked me the question: "Deal or No Deal?""
The other Parishioners all gave him an amused smile.
With a chuckle, Eric carried on. "Well, I wanted a deal. So I said, "No, no, no, no, deal!"" Then he looked a bit crestfallen as he added, "But for some reason that I cannot fathom, they thought I meant "No, no, no, no deal.""
"And what was in your box?" Mike Newton, a farmer asked.
"10 cents," Eric said sadly.
"Right. Any other, other business?" Caius Rathbone, the head of the Council, and certainly the least friendly person, asked.
Their vicar, a lovely, young woman with a big heart by the name of Esme Anne Platt, said, "Yes, actually. I was very cross to hear that Meyer Cottage was sold to yet another lay about Seattleite. I mean, honestly guys, if this goes on, Forks will be a ghost town. And then-" she began, but was interrupted by Jasper Rathbone, Caius' son.
"Who you gonna call?" He asked, and Eric, Mike, and Tyler Crowley, who was in charge of the minutes, all cried out in unison: "Ghostbusters!"
Esme smiled a little, then said, "Yes, well I'd love to know which selfish, mean, "I don't care about the town of Forks," money-grabbing bastard sold the lovely Meyer Cottage in the first place.
"Father did," Jasper piped up, and then added, "For about half a million dollars, wasn't it, Father?"
"Yes, that's right," Caius agreed.
"Oh, that really make my blood boil," Mike grumbled.
"Yeah, you go get him, big boy," Esme encouraged him.
"I only got 80,000 dollars for my converted barn. Now why didn't I get more?" He demanded.
Without batting an eyelid, Caius deadpanned, "Possibly because you converted it into a slaughterhouse, or, as us from Europe call it, an abattoir. "
Caius was half-Grecian, even though he spoke with a flawless British accent, and half American.
"You know what really gets on my tits?" Esme asked, and Mike sat up straighter.
"Now I'm awake," he said with a grin, and Esme lightly slapped him.
"Stop it, Michael. This place is so full of absent townies that nothing goes on here anymore," she pointed out.
"You forget the hurling championships, Esme," Eric reminded her.
"See who can vomit the furthest every Tuesday, bring your own bucket," Mike added.
"And movie nights on Friday," Jasper pointed out.
"Yes, those things are lovely," Esme agreed, "But I think it's time we had some new activities, as well. So, I've decided that I'm going to start an art class and a book club. Would anyone be interested?"
Everyone, with the exception of Caius, happily agreed.
"Oh, good. Well, that's fantastic news," Esme said happily. "Anyone got any other thoughts?"
"Yes, yes, yes," Jasper said happily.
What, what, what?" She asked in delight.
"Well, with so much activity going on, I think we need a town newsletter," he suggested, and she smiled.
"Excellent, Jasper. Classic way of getting all the good people of Forks talking to each other," she beamed.
"Yes, all saying "Have you read this? Absolute rubbish."" Caius said.
"Shush, Caius. It means that everybody can have their own jobs, like Michael," she said, and he responded, "Photography, please. I've have my work accepted by several publications, including Man and Horse magazine."
"Oh, well I'd love to see a copy of that," Esme laughed, but he just looked crestfallen.
"Unfortunately, the Police seized them all," he said a little sadly, but then smiled.
"Eric, agony aunt?" She suggested.
"Can I wear a frock and be called "Erica?"" He asked.
"Yes, if you like," she agreed.
"Alright," he chuckled.
"What about you, Jasper?" She asked.
"Can I do "hard news?"" he inquired.
"I doubt it, but the job's yours anyway," she offered. "Tyler?"
"Can I do a light-hearted, occasional, series about the sematic origins of local landmarks? And film reviews?" He asked.
"No," Esme disagreed. "Caius, what about you?" She asked.
"I'll do the obituary column," He said.
"But it's been years since anybody's died in Forks," she pointed out.
"We live in hope," he deadpanned.
"Well, excellent. We've got a plan, hooray. So, over to you, Caius," she said, letting him take center stage again.
"Ah, yes. There is one little thing: I've brought along a bottle of champagne, because although she may not realize it, the vicar, last weekend, did her 100th wedding while she's been here," he said with a smile.
"Oh, goodness me. 100. So, that's 100 happy, in love brides and grooms. And I'm always the vicar," Esme said, her smile falling as she added, "I'm always in the cassock, never in the lovely, big, white frock," she whimpered.
"Oh, come on. Someone say something to cheer her up," Caius said.
"I'll marry you, dolly knockers," Mike said with a grin.
"Oh, shut up," she groaned.
PAGE BREAK
Later that evening, Alice Rathbone, Esme's verger and Jasper's wife, popped over to visit.
Sitting comfortably on the sofa, she remarked, "I've just read that fantastic new book from the Bible."
Distinctly puzzled, Esme asked, "What fantastic new book from the Bible?"
Without batting an eyelid, Alice answered, "The Da Vinci Code. It's so much better than Genesis and that boring old stuff."
"Hate to tell you, Alice, but the Da Vinci Code is not a new book in the Bible. It's just a story," she explained.
Alice, lovely and mad as she was, like most the inhabitants of Forks, sighed. "Oh, that is so disappointing."
"I know."
"To think the Catholic Church has fooled you too, Mrs. Gullible. That's what they want you to believe. And I've been thinking," she said thoughtfully.
"Ooo, always a worry."
"Well, you know how Jesus married Mary Magdalene, and how their descendants are still alive today, only their true identities are hidden in these Da Vinci Codes?" She asked.
Esme cringed. "I have a horrible feeling I know where you're going with this."
"And you how Mary Magdalene is the chalice that received Jesus' seed?" She carried on.
"Yep, you're going there," Esme clarified.
"Well, the code is so obvious. What name rhymes with chalice?" she asked, pointing to herself.
Esme looked at her. "Let me get this straight. You believe that you, Alice, are the direct descendant of Jesus Christ?"
Alice nodded. "Well, it's to come to any other conclusion with the evidence available. I mean think about it. Why have I had so many children?"
"Because you don't know how condoms work," Esme cried.
"No, because my quest is to populate the Earth with God's children," she disagreed.
Esme sighed in annoyance, but Alice wasn't quite finished yet. "And, here's the clencher: When I first asked my mother who my real father was, why did she say "God knows?""
"Look, Alice," she began, but was interrupted.
"Do not worry, my child. The knowledge that I am Christ's offspring on Earth will not change me," Alice said lightly.
"Well, that's a shame. Meanwhile, back in the REAL world, I'm off to Meyer Cottage to visit that new bloke. Want to come with me?" Esme offered.
Alice smiled. "Oh, lovely. Only, you're not going there to welcome him to our happy community. You're going to tell him that you're fed up with rich Seattleites coming in and taking over the town. And that he can either get stuck in or sod off," she said, seeing what Esme was more than likely going to say to him.
"That's it in a nutshell," Esme agreed. "Come on, let's give him a piece our mind," she said, but then added, "actually, on second thoughts, I'll just give him that piece of my mind, shall I? Because you haven't got much to spare."
"You are such a tease," Alice laughed.
"No, seriously, you haven't," she said, as they made their way down the lane. Once they reached Meyer Cottage, a lovely light blue building, Esme knocked.
After having waited for a few seconds, she grumbled, "Typical. So damn snotty. Mr. Seattleite can't even be bothered answering the door to us."
"We absolutely hate him, don't we?" Alice asked.
"We loathe him, and everything he stands for," she said, just as the door was opened, and Esme just about gasped.
I must be dreaming, she thought to herself. There's no way he's real.
AN: I loved writing this, and got a laugh out of doing so, too. Hope you enjoy it 🙂
SJS