Dipper knows Bill Cipher's deals were terrible. Even if they're 99% off, they're still terrible sales. They're just... terrible. But it's become a daily nuisance for him to make deals with the devil. Really. Even something as easy as opening soda cans. (NOT BillDip) (Probably AU)
Deals
Day 1: Dipper and Soda Cans
Dipper hummed his favorite song as he walked to the fridge, thinking of getting some pitt cola; his favorite drink. As he opened the refrigerator door and got himself a can of the soda, he noticed how he couldn't open the tab like he used to. His noodle arms were too weak to open it and it was such a hot day. His thirst for his favorite chilled drink made him want it even more. Wait, I don't think that sentence made any sense. Never mind, it did.
"Darn, it's stuck." Dipper said. "Maybe if I ask someone to help me... no, that's too embarrassing."
Everything faded to black and white, like it was drained of the color. Coincidentally, a golden dream-demon of the triangular shape, popped in the room, and the chills got to the twelve year-old boy. The handsome two-dimensional pyramid was clad in his regular bow tie and top hat, always looking for a job. His flamboyant one eye was contemplating at Dipper, who stumbled backwards in fear. We shall praise the dream-demon for his anarchy.
"STOP FLATTERING ME." the flying triangle ordered, its voice echoing unnaturally. "I'M NOT USED TO BEING ON THE GOOD SIDE."
"Wh-What?" Dipper asked, his hands trembling with the can of pitt cola.
"IT'S NOTHING, LLAMA." Bill Cipher replied.
"Did you just call me Llama?" Dipper responded.
"YES, I'VE DECIDED THAT BECAUSE YOUR NAME'S LLAMANAC." Bill said, much to Dipper's discomfort. "NOW I HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER PINE TREE. WELL, I THINK IT'S EASY ENOUGH. I'LL JUST GET A LITERAL PINE TREE. HAHAHA."
"What do you want?" Dipper demanded, his confidence regained.
"AW SHUCKS, LLAMA, YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHT TO THE POINT. WAIT, THAT'S PINE TREE'S THING." Bill snapped his fingers and a potted pine tree appeared out of nowhere. "NOW THIS IS STRAIGHT TO THE POINT."
"Well you're not straight to the point." Dipper remarked.
"OF COURSE. I'M A DEMON. WHY SHOULD I BE 'STRAIGHT TO THE POINT'? HOW CAN I DO MY DEALS IF NO ONE LIKES IT? I EXAGGERATE SO PEOPLE TRUST ME." Bill explained.
Dipper frowned at him. "What do you want?"
"I'M THIRSTY." Bill answered. "CAN WE MAKE A DEAL?" he asked, giving his hand out to shake.
"I could give you water." Dipper said. "I guess we can make a deal."
"GREAT, LLAMA. WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Bill asked.
"I would like to open this can of soda." Dipper answered, showing the drink.
Silence ensued.
"REALLY?"
"Yes."
"I COULD GIVE YOU ANYTHING. AND ALL YOU WANT IS FROM ME TO OPEN A SODA CAN?"
"I can't ask anybody else. It's embarrassing. With you here, nobody will know."
"C'MON, LLAMA. YOU GOTTA THINK OF SOMETHING BETTER THAN THAT."
"Fine, open this can of soda and don't tell anyone about this."
Bill's eye twitched. He was a demon, yes. He'd take any opportunity to delude someone. But with someone as clever as Dipper was, he couldn't take this offer. He had a plan if he was so sure that the only thing he wanted in return of a drink, was to open a soda can.
"THAT'S ALL YOU WANT?"
"What? You can't open a simple soda can?" Dipper taunted.
"NEITHER CAN YOU, LLAMA." Bill retorted.
"Darn. Walked right into that one."
"WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE REAL DIPPER PINES?"
"Well, as you called me. My name is Llamanac 'Dipper' Pines and my symbol is apparently Llama, formerly Pine Tree. I think I should act more like one to uphold my identity." Dipper explained.
Bill put his hands on his acute angles. "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW A LLAMA ACTS LIKE. YOUR MIND IS MAKING IT UP."
"C'mon, Cipher, a deal's a deal. Open this soda can for me, and I'll give you water for your thirst."
"FINE."
Bill snatched the can of soda and opened it in one try. Dipper was enthusiastic, till the dream-demon decided to glug it all down without a mouth. Bill finished the drink and tossed it in Dipper's hands, before wiping where his mouth should be and burping.
"BOY, THAT WATER SURE TASTED FINE." Bill remarked sarcastically.
"What the heck! We had a deal!" Dipper shouted, throwing down the empty can with a thud.
"I'M NOT PLAYIN' ANY OF YOUR GAMES, LLAMA." Bill yelled. "BESIDES, WATER IS A HUNDRED PERCENT LIQUID. SO IS PITT COLA. BOTH ARE CLASSIFIED UNDER MY DIRECTORY OF A 'DRINK'. AND BY MY DEFINITION, A DRINK IS A WATER."
"That doesn't make any sense! You mean 'water is a drink', not the other way around!"
"PINE TR—" Bill paused, correcting himself. "—LLAMA! MY DEALS, MY RULES. GO LIVE WITH IT."
Dipper went through one of the drawers and found a knife. He pointed the knife at his heart, and replied, "Maybe I won't live with it!"
"LLAMA, WE BOTH KNOW YOU WON'T DO IT. BESIDES, I CAN REPLACE YOU. YOU'RE NOT ANYONE IMPORTANT."
Dipper huffed, putting the knife in the drawer. "'Not anyone important'..." he mocked under his breath. "Pff, what does he know?"
"I KNOW EVERYTHING." Bill responded. "BY THE WAY, NICE UNDERPANTS. PINK IS TOTALLY YOUR COLOR."
"Wait, wha—"
Bill began chanting his spell to leave Dipper's mind. "REALITY IS AN ILLUSION. THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM. BYE GOLD. BYE!"
And he vanished in a bright triangular light. All color in the room came back, and Dipper checked to see if he was wearing pink underwear. He didn't. He looked up where he last saw Bill.
"What the heck did he mean by 'pink underpants'?" he scoffed, before opening the fridge door and getting himself another pitt cola can.
He opened it with a fizz and gulped it all down, before choking and hacking out pink underwear. He screamed like a girl as he threw the can at the ground, which broke into pieces and revealed a bunch of pink clothing. Grunkle Stan walked in the room with a bored look and a scowl, and the first thing he saw was Dipper throwing up a pair of pink panties. The middle-aged man blinked tiredly, before turning away and leaving Dipper to do his thing.
Dipper finished vomitting a pink sweater, before shouting at the heavens. "SCREW YOU, BILL CIPHER!"
Mabel walked in the room, and recognize the pieces of clothing that was laying on the floor. "Hey, that's my sweater." she revealed, before drinking on a bottle, not a can, a bottle of pitt cola. She spit out the remains when she noticed a particular article of clothing that Dipper had on him. "Hey! Those are Pacifica's! I'd recognize that thing anywhere!"
Dipper gagged when he realized where they had just been. No... Mabel, don't say it.
Mabel nudged him. "Where did you get those, you rascal?"
He was doomed to hell.
A/N: This is going to be a fun little series where Dipper and Bill make deals. Terrible deals. Like, buying a pen for a thousand dollars, no discount.
THIS ONE'S A WARM-UP. I SWEAR. I CAN BE FUNNY. Chapter two will be much longer, that I can tell.
Also, fun fact: Bill didn't shake his hand with Dipper.