My first take on a spoof in ages since...God, how long was that? Ten years?
Anyway, enjoy (I hope).
Chapter 1
My whole world changed one day when all these random cards started raining down everywhere, though my whole world would've been awesome had it been raining hundred dollar notes instead. I mean, can you imagine how much stuff you can get with a hundred dollars? I'm talking about lots and lots of burgers, watches, clothes, movie passes, hair gels... the list is long enough to cover my whole height!
So instead of becoming Richie Riches, we kids invented this cool new game. Sigh, if only they were really hundred dollar notes...
That's when we realised those cards weren't so harmless after all. They were packed with incredible powers from another world! Powers that could make a Hogwarts wizard duel look like child's play! And neither our parents, the cops nor the military were doing anything to stop us! Hahahaha!
'With great power comes great responsibility'? More like 'With great power comes no responsibility'.
Together with Bruno (The next American Idol, she claims), Maruckus (youngest brawler, earned first broken teeth last week), Juliet (fallen into Goth lately), Mr Hotshot himself Shunt (three hundred shoulders and counting), and Alleyes (she's watching me, isn't it?)- we are the Hackugan's Brittle Followers!
One goal, two worlds! (Sorry, Tarzan)
"I'm home!"
Ban burst through the door like an excited dog as he made his way up the stairs to his room, ignorant of the commotion going on in the living hall.
"Don't forget your meal, Ban," his mom, Mrs. Kuso, reminded coolly while pinning a screaming robber against the kitchen counter, his right arm twisted against his back.
Ban entered his room and flung his school bag for the bed, which instead flew out the window and onto his relaxing neighbour's head; all his heavy textbooks weighing his bag like a cinder block. Still unwary of the loud commotion downstairs, he reached for his desk drawer and pulled out a box where he stored all his Hackugan along with his collection of cards- Hackugan, Pokemon, Duel Masters, Digimon, MLB etc.
"Hmm, I wonder which one should take? A Sourus? A Sleepinoid? Oh well, I'll just take 'em all."
Ban stomped down the stairs for the door as his mom called out while locking the robber in a head lock. "Your meal's in the fridge, Ban."
"I'll get to it when I'm back!" Ban replied back as he slammed the door shut, several more loud crashes followed as Mrs. Kuso judo-tossed the robber across the hall.
Ban jumped on his bike and cycled like there's no tomorrow, barreling down the road like only a road hog could and causing multiple accidents along the way; pedestrians being ran over by his bike, motorcycles and cars skidding wildly about the busy road and onto sidewalks, buses breaking hard and lurching passengers into one another like sardines- all to avoid him.
"Watch it, you numbskull!"
"What have you done to my car?"
"Get this punk out of here!"
"You ran over my dog, you runt!"
Despite the loud commotion, Ban carried on until he reached the park, leaving a trail of destruction that one could find in a Grand Theft Auto game. At the fountain center, he saw two kids waiting for him.
"What the heck?" the smallest kid, Acryra. "What are you trying to do with your bike?"
"I know. Cool, huh?" Dan snorted with pride at their reaction to his new bike- a regular bike decorated with green neon lights throughout its frame, spinners on the rims, a large spoiler at the rear, an extra racing seat behind the rider's, a tank connected to two sporty exhaust pipes, and a disco ball atop Ban's head.
"Who's that big guy?" Ban asked as he leaped off his bike, which in turn fell over to its side with a loud thud.
"The name's Shutit, Acryra's big brother, and I'm gonna kick your ass for beating my little bro."
"It's all part of Hackugan. I'm the better player and that's it."
"Not when you socked me in the jaw after your win!" Acryra complained.
Ban groaned. "Like I said, a mosquito landed on your jaw so I took care of it!"
"Enough talk! You're going to pay regardless, and the best way to do that is to beat you in a game of Hackugan."
"Fine by me, but I must warn you I'm still unbeaten in Hackugan."
"Not anymore, Ban," Shutit rebuked.
"Nuh-uh." Ban waved his finger while shaking his head.
"Uh-uh." Shutit nodded his head.
"Nuh-uh."
"Uh-uh."
"Nuh-uh."
"Uh-uh."
"Nuh-uh."
"Uh-uh."
"Nuh-uh."
"Uh-uh."
"Nuh-uh."
"Uh-uh."
"Okay, let's get the battle started now!" Acryra barged in hastily, screaming.
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
Both players took out their card and yelled, "Hackugan, Field open!"
Time slows down as the power of their cards took over the field. Soon, everything stopped like a clock out of battery; flying birds paused in mid-flight, a running jogger about to step on dog poo, a basketball player in the middle of a slamdunk gone horribly wrong, a dodgeball player reacting to getting hit in the groin.
Everything except the two kids.
"Gate Card, set!" Both players tossed their card onto the ground and they enlarged to the size of a tennis court.
"My move, Hackugan, brawl!" Shutit cried as he tossed his marble-sized Hackugan onto the field nearest to Ban. "Hackugan, stand!"
The ball popped open and out sprung a creature called Mantrees, a mantis with trees for its arms.
MANTREES. POWER LEVEL 330G.
"Big deal," Ban scoffed. "Hackugan, brawl! Hackugan, stand!
Like Shutit's, the ball popped open and out sprung a sleeping snake, Sleepinoid.
SLEEPINOID. POWER LEVEL 280G. OBVIOUSLY ASLEEP.
"Haha, your Hackugan's a sleeping beauty. How sweet," Shutit mocked.
"Hey! Now's not the time to sleep! Wake up and battle like a real Hackugan!"
"Mantrees, attack!"
The mantis Hackugan leaped forward and tickled the snake Hackugan with its trees for arms. The Sleepinoid, now pissed from being rudely awaken, proceeded to strangle the Mantrees with its body, yelling something in Hackugan at the Mantrees.
SLEEPINOID POWER LEVEL INCREASE TO 380G, OBVIOUSLY PISSED OFF.
"Whoops, looks like waking Sleepinoid like that wasn't such a a good idea."
"Oh, yeah? Gate Card, open!"
The card where the Hackugans stood glowed and sand enveloped the entire field, catching Ban by surprise.
"Whoah." Ban was stunned at the immense field of sand that covered the ground beneath him, more so with the pyramids that formed behind him...along with an oasis, a herd of camels, some coconut trees and a women beach volleyball team.
MANTREES POWER LEVEL INCREASE TO 480G. TOUGH LUCK, BAN.
With its new power level, the Mantrees managed to break free and tickled the Sleepinoid into submission, laughing its way back into ball form.
"Round 1 to me, then," Shutit remarked with a smirk as his Hackugan returned.
"Then let's get it on with round 2. Hackugan, brawl!" Ban threw another Hackugan ball, this time onto his card. "Hackugan, stand!"
A humanoid avian sprouted forth from its ball form.
FELLCONEER. POWER LEVEL 280G.
Shutit threw his Hackugan ball and a crab-like creature burst forth.
TERRORLOL. POWER LEVEL 280G.
Ban yelled, "Gate Card, open!"
The Gate Card burst into flames, setting Terrorlol on fire along with Shutit's hair.
"Aaaaaiiieeeeee!"
FELLCONEER POWER LEVEL INCREASE TO 380G. AND I"M ON FIRE TOO.
"Now, take 'em out!"
A single powerful kick was enough to defeat Shutit's Hackugan, and soon they were even.
"That's one a piece," Ban said.
"Grrr, no more Mr. Nice Guy, though technically I was never a nice guy to begin with" Shutit tossed two Gate Cards along with his last two Hackugans, Mantrees and Sourus.
MANTREES. POWER LEVEL 330G.
SOURUS. POWER LEVEL 310G. SMELLS BAD.
Dan replied with the same action.
FELLCONEER. POWER LEVEL 280G.
SOURUS. POWER LEVEL 310G. ALSO SMELLS BAD.
"Let's finish this once and for all!" Shutit cried and proceeded to attack Ban.
"Just bring it!"
It was literally a brawl. While Fellconeer roasts Mantree's trees, the two Sourus were locked in a grapple, their sour aroma poisoning the air around them.
"I'm *hack* not gonna *hack* let you * cough* win..."
"Wanna *choke* bet?"
The two Sourus, unable to break their holds, proceeded to land punches into their opponent's stomach, which both connect in a double whammy that knocked both out (to everyone's relief). But since Mantrees was now unarmed literally, that makes Fellconeer the only Hackugan still standing.
Which means Ban won.
Time resumes to normal, along with the agony that follows it. Shutit sat on the ground, shocked that he was beaten as Ban celebrated like he's just won the Super Bowl.
"Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!"
"Just you wait, Ban. I'll get you next time!" Shutit roared as Ban left the park on his bike, swirling his jacket about and swatting another biker, causing him to lose control and falling into the fountain.
"Another victory for Ban the man," Ban spoke proudly to his online friends as they looked on lazily.
"Yeah, yeah. We get it. There's never a time when you weren't bragging about your win," Bruno said. "Unless you're in the top ten, I suggest you delay your bragging rights until then."
"Better than someone who wasn't ranked at all," Ban retorted while sticking his tongue out.
"Big deal. Hackugan wasn't really my main thing, you know. To me-" Bruno sighed in content, "-it's all about singing. Wanna hear my new song cover?"
"Uhhh..."
"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday..."
Everyone immediately muted her cam, sparing their poor eardrums.
"Like, whateverrrrr," Juliet sulked while toying with her newly dyed black hair.
"Ban Kuso!" Alleyes slammed her hands against her keyboard, her eyes like a deranged lunatic. "Have you been secretly dating again?"
"What? No! Of course not!"
"Then who was that girl you're talking to at 5:35:15pm yesterday by the traffic light next to the book store?"
Ban was stunned at her accurate information. "I wasn't dating that girl. She was just asking for directions to the shopping mall. Wait, how did you know about this? You were working at Bruno's family restaurant, wasn't it?"
"It's called a plot hole. There's no need for you or anyone here to know how I watched you, it's just that."
"Don't worry, Alleyes." Maruckus spoke timidly. "If he did cheat on you, I'm gonna whoop his ass all the way to your house."
"Maruckus, we weren't in any relationship to begin with, duh."
"I know." The little spectacled boy then made a failed attempt to mouth his words to Alleyes. "Call me if he did cheat on you."
As Bruno's cam showed her screaming mutely at her screen, Ban wondered, "Is Shunt still in the lead?"
Maruckus nodded. "Yep. He's just beaten another five opponents today, and his shoulder-shunting tally has gone up to four hundred fifty five."
Ban leaned back against his squeaky chair. "No matter. The fact that I'm still unbeaten is good enough for me to be proud of. Soon, I'll take on that Mr. Hotshot himself and steal his spotlight once and for all..."
Meanwhile...
Shunt leaped from rooftop to rooftop like the ninja he was trained to be, panting hard without slowing down his pace.
Hah, defending my rank is like a joke when battling these amateurs. What I need is a serious challenger, one that understands the powers that lie within Destroia, assuming I can get out of this mess first...
"You, the ninja wannabe! Stop running this instant! You're gonna be in so much trouble shoulder-shunting the chief police inspector!" a voice blared from a loudspeaker from above.
Regardless, Shunt kept on going as a police helicopter gave chase, its spotlight honed on the boy as more police cars roamed the streets with its sirens blaring into the night. As he was running, his cellphone rang; it was his grandpa.
"Hello?"
"Shunt! What the hell did you do this time?"
"Me? Nothing. Why?"
"Don't lie to me, punk! I'm now watching you live on TV, and I can see cops chasing you!"
Shunt came up with an idea and started making static noises with his lips. "Hello? Psshhshh... I can't hear...Psshshshshh... Call you...Pssshshshhshh..." With that said, he turned off his cell phone and kept on running until he reached the edge of the rooftop; the next building being too far for his jump to reach.
Defiant, he leaped nonetheless and as time slowed down Matrix style, a song came in his head.
I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the- PONKK!
Cold steel greeted his face as he landed awkwardly on a street lamp, hanging like a carpet for a moment before slipping off and falling into an open dumpster, the police copter losing sight of him in the process.
At least I lost them... Shunt thought while staring dumbly into the night sky before being slammed in by the dumpster's lid.
If only that moron Ban knew what he was doing.
We Hackugans were not just any game some kid could pick up and play like an action figure. We have a life of our own, damn it! Can you imagine how many Hackugan parents who failed to return home from work because they were picked up and forced into unnecessary battles with their best friend? Or fiancees? Or bosses?
We Hackugans lived in six different realms in a place called Destroia; Cubterra- the element of Earth and kids, Rantus- the element of Wind and ranters, Haquos- the element of Water and coughing, Layoffs- the element of Light and the unemployed, Barkus- the element of Darkness and dogs, and Pierus (woohoo!)- the element of fire and pies.
Mmm...piesssssssss...
"Oh. My. God!"
Nag flew about like a hysterical bird, throwing a tantrum that would make the brattiest kid blush. "This place is cooking me up! How on Destroia can someone live in this bloody oven!"
"Nag, wait!"
A red dragon flew in his direction and stopped him in the air. "Don't do this, Nag! Your quest for power must be stopped or it will destroy you!"
"Get out of my way, fool! Your realm is the worst of all the other realms I've been to. I mean, Cubterra have kids I can play with, or Barkus have dogs I can play fetch with. But Pierus, my God, this place is burning my skin up! It's gonna take months getting my skin back to white. Look at your hide, it's all red. You must have severe sunburns and you're not doing a single bloody thing!"
"How dare you mock my beautiful realm of Pierus!" the dragon roared. "Don't you see, this is where all fire Hackugans live in harmony, in peace with our element. And, we have pies to feast on too!"
"They're all overcooked, for crying out loud!" Nag brought up a blackened custard pie which immediately burst into flames.
"Mmm...overcooked piessssss..."
"Enough! I'm sick of this place already. I'm leaving for my ultimate goal and there's not a single thing you can do about it!" Realising the burning pie was still in his claws, he tossed it aside and brought up a card, which he tossed it into the air and a portal opened forth. "Good riddance!"
Nag bolted for the portal as it collapses once he was through.
"Thanks for visiting. Hope you can drop by again," the red dragon waved at the direction he vanished.
OH, SHUT UP, BRAGONOID!
Ban was walking home, carrying his brick of a bag on his aching shoulders, when he was approached by two familiar faces.
"Aww, not again..."
"Yes again, Ban," Shutit remarked. "I want a rematch, unless you want my fist to do the talking for you."
"I see." Ban smirked as he dropped his bag and took out his jacket, revealing a Hulkamania t-shirt underneath it. "Just bring it!"
Before Shutit could move, Acryra halted him. "Wait!"
"What now?"
"I don't think it's a good idea to be fighting out here. I mean, people could be watching this and calling our parents."
"Hmm, you have a point there," Ban agreed
Just then, an idea popped up in their heads, their lips curled into a grin.
"You think what I'm thinking?"
"You bet."
Both Shutit and Ban took out their cards. "Hackugan, Field open!"
Once again, time slowed down to a halt around them as life paused in place; a passing car stopping in its tracks, a cheating fiancee in the middle of a slap by his girlfriend, people cringing in terror at Bruno's cover of "Born This Way" in the subway train.
Once the field was set, Ban and Shutit were ready for their fist fight.
"Remember, any resulting injuries were caused by an unfortunate collision in a bicycle race, deal?"
Wow...what a ride...
Nag exited the portal, feeling as if he has just flown through an '80s electronic music video. Soon, he was where he wanted to be- at the center of Destroia.
"There they are, the cores that hold the world in place; Infinity and Silence. If I can absorb these two cores, I can finally unite with that silly-named human and together, we will conquer both Earth and Destroia! Hahahahahaha!"
Before he could absorb the cores, there was one last thing he wanted to get out of his mind...
"Silent Core? What kind of a name is that? I mean, Infinity Core sounded so much cooler than Silent Core. That name's like so lame to me. Why not something more awesome like Ultimate Core? Or Delta Core? Or how about Krypton Core? Or maybe Celestial Core? Wait, how about Fusion Core? No, maybe-"
Apparently sick of his nagging, the Silent Core decided to drag the bickering Nag into its clutches as the white Hackugan screamed in terror. "No, wait! I'm not done yet! I haven't come up with a cooler name for you!"
The nagging proved too much for the Core and it blew up, sending the Infinity Core away from the center. The resulting collapse caused the realms of Destroia to fall into disarray as all six realms began falling apart. The chaos was unimaginable, like every scene from the 'Blair With Project' film. Hackugans screamed in terror as they tumbled about helplessly.
Meanwhile, on Pierus, the Bragonoid was in the middle of a bet in stuffing as much pies down his stomach when the tremors rocked his realm. Soon, pandemonium erupted around him, just as it's happening right now to the other realms.
But the Bragonoid was surprisingly calm. "Wait, my fellow friends. This could all be just a dream!"
At once, all panic ceased.
"How could you tell?" A stinky Sourus questioned.
"Simple, we'll just test my fact with this." He pulled out a small, metal top.
As all the Pierus Hackugans gathered around him, he spun the top on the pie-covered table. "If it stays spinning for the next two hours, then all this chaos is nothing more but a nightmare. Simple."
It only spun for ninety seconds before wobbling to a halt and falling over.
"Okay...so it's not a dream then."
Panic resumed once more in the most abrupt of fashion.
Just then, a Barkus Hackugan, Dripper, burst through the sky and confronted the Bragonoid. "What the heck? How on earth a Barkus Hackugan found its way here?"
The Dripper, with sweat pouring down from its body like rain, lunged once more at the Bragonoid and they both tussled in a grappling match.
"Chubby loser!"
"Spiky psycho!"
"Biggest moron!"
"Goggle cliche!"
Acryra watched on as Ban applied a head lock on Shutit who countered with an arm lock on Ban. As their fight raged on, energy waves burst through the field and without warning two Hackugans burst through the scene, tussling just like them; one was drenched in sweat, the other was bathed in sweat, whichever way they saw it. Seeing the fighting Hackugans, both Ban and Shutit broke off and jumped aside.
"Whoah! What's going on here?" Ban questioned aloud.
"Get off me, you sweaty freak! You're drenching my hide!"
The red dragon then kicked the Dripper off him and proceeded to open fire on it. "Boosted Dra-burp!"
A fireball burped forth from the Bragonoid's mouth, bits of pie from his stomach followed suit as it struck the Dripper in a fiery explosion. Beaten, the Barkus Hackugan plummeted to the ground where Shutit and Acryra were standing.
Realising he couldn't flee in time, Shutit merely pulled out a sign saying 'Eep' before being squashed by the Hackugan's weight.
Time returned to normal eventually- along with the misery that followed suit- as Ban stood shell-shocked at what transpired seconds ago. On his feet was a lone Hackugan ball, the sound of uncontrollable burping emanating from it like a melody.
"Holy cow! That was awesome!"
Ban picked up the ball as more burping echoed from it. "A Bragonoid! This is one lucky day for me! Catch you later, Shutit."
As Ban ran off, Shutit and Acryra remained lying in a crater in the sidewalk, stunned and battered by the impact.
"Can someone please call an ambulance? I think I broke my coccyx..."
"Yo! Anybody home? Helloooooooo?"
For the past thirty minutes, Ban tried unsuccessfully to get his new Hackugan to talk. "I know you can talk, buddy, 'cuz I just heard you talk back there even if it's just two words...make that one and a half."
Silence.
Tired, Ban then took out a loudspeaker from under his desk and yelled at it at maximum volume, "CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORD THAT IS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?" The resulting yell caused his mum to drop her plates, his dad to fell off his working chair and his neighbour to ruin his delicate canvas artwork.
Still silence, except for a little burp.
"Hmm, I thought I really heard you spoke. Oh well, must've been my ears hearing stuff."
Placing the Hackugan on his desk, he remarked, "Since you're a Bragonoid, I shall call you...errr...let me see..."
Ban pondered for possible names for his new Hackugan. "Lassie? Nope. Draco? Nah. Cuddlefuzz? Nope. Derpy? Nope. Godzilla! Nope. Alien? Nuh-uh. Fudgeface? Nope. Teletubby...
Jeez, does this kid ever shut up?
"Ahh, what the heck, I'll just call you Brago since you're already a Bragonoid to begin with." Ban left Brago on the desk as he joined his online friends at the chat site.
"Hey, guys. You wouldn't believe-"
"BAN KUSO!" Alleyes screamed at her cam, nearly sending Ban to the floor. "Have you been secretly dating again?"
"Whah? What are you talking about?"
"I know you were talking to a girl outside your house at 10:01:19am."
"That was just a girl scout selling cookies to my mum. Serious!"
Alleyes glared at him, convinced but still suspicious as she pointed to her eyes and then the screen. "I have my eyes on you."
Despite feeling freaked out a little, he carried on with his news, "Anyway, you wouldn't believe what just happened earlier. I was figh-brawling with Shutit when a Bragonoid came out of nowhere and help me defeat him. And, he also talks to me!"
"Whateverrrrr," Juliet replied while applying her black make-up under her eyes.
"What? You too?" Bruno asked surprisingly.
"What do you mean by that, Bruno?"
Maruckus came online soon, a cotton jammed between his teeth and his face covered in various bruises and swellings. "Hhi ghuysz."
"Like, what happened to you, man," Juliet asked.
"Oh, jush ehnothszer zay in zhe life of a brahler. It'z a nohm foh mhe."
"Rrrright..."
Bruno replied back to the topic. "You should check out the main website. Everyone else is also talking about the same thing."
Ban went to the main website and true to Bruno's word, a talking Hackugan became the hot topic of the day.
"My Hackugan talks back to me. Awesome!"
"God, my Hackugan sounded so monotone like HAL9000!"
"What the heck? My Hackugan called me a no-good trash-talking piece of-"
"My Hackugan sounded like Freddy Krueger. Should I be very worried?"
"Save me, please! My Hackugan can't stop singing 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'! Save meeeee!"
"My Hackugan talks. I'd better spin my top..."
Ban was stunned at the massive attention to the point the main website crashed and he was kicked out of the chat room.
So...this wasn't a dream all along. Wait a minute, are all my old toys going to return and confront me for dumping them in the attic? Oh, shit...