Silenced
Prologue: Tears
By: Silenced Angel
October 2, 2001
No… Not again.
She couldn't go through this again. She closed her eyes, wishing that she could disappear, and when she opened her eyes, she would be gone, disappeared into nothingness. But no, she knew that wouldn't happen, she wasn't that lucky. No.. she wasn't…
She silently lay in bed, not making a sound. She closed her eyes once more. Maybe if she pretended she was asleep he wouldn't come. Maybe if he thought that she was peacefully resting in slumber, he wouldn't force her to…
Her bedroom door opened.
She squeezed her closed eyes tighter shut. Her heart began to pound faster against it's cage, harder. Maybe she had just imagined it. Maybe it wasn't true. Sounds of footsteps reached her ears as they came closer to her bed. A soft shuffling of slippers against the hardwood floor. The sounds stopped just at the foot of her bed. She didn't open her eyes. She wished for the person away. She wished for him to not do this to her. She wished with all her might but…
"Sakura." The voice was deep and full. A voice of a man.
She felt as if her heart stopped for a single moment as that voice reached her ears. She knew that as much as she wanted this to not happen, she would be coerced into it. She didn't have a choice, she knew, and that made this all the more painful.
She opened her eyes and saw a full grown figure from the corner of her eyes. Her eyes moved to the figure and she saw him standing there, completely indomitable. She felt her heart fill with virulent rage and she wished for that rage to kill her. If it did, she wouldn't have to do what she was about to do.
Sitting up on her bed, she fixed her eyes to his and pleaded with him, her eyes brimming with unfeigned tears. Still he stood there, waiting. Slowly, she stood up from the bed and planted her feet unsteadily on the ground a few feet in front of him.
The man moved aside and continued to wait, silently telling her to go first. She looked to the ground, as she began to plod to the door. On her way, her eyes wandered to her desk to the tiny desk drawer. How she wished her guardian was still here. How she wished for him to return from wherever he might be and save her from what was about to happen.
She tore her gaze from the desk drawer as she passed through the doorway, and slowly continued down the hallway to the master bedroom. She passed by the closed door of her brother. He couldn't save her, just as her missing guardian couldn't. No, he hadn't disappeared. He was at his nighttime job and was not to return until early morning the next day. She sighed heavily as she continued to make her way down the hall. She reached the end and paused, not wanting to enter the room. The door was opened and to her it was a doorway to hell.
She entered and waited.
He went inside the room and slowly closed the door behind him.
He wasn't in any hurry, she noted. She laughed at herself in her mind, laughed bitterly at her ironic misfortune. Of course he's not in a hurry, why would he be? She laughed at herself again.
"Sakura." The voice said again. It was ominous and unwelcome.
She snapped out of her musing and looked up to find the man standing by the king sized bed. The pillows and blanket had been cleared on one side, as it always was when this was about to happen. She walked over to him. What other choice did she have?
She waited.
A moment later, his hand, heavy and stern, rested on her shoulder and she froze. She had expected it, but it froze her blood nonetheless. She was scared. No, scared was not the word. She was horrified beyond possibility.
"Father… please…" Her voice was unsteadily shaking. She felt his fingers at her chest and he slowly began to unbutton her nightgown. "please… don't…" She continued to plead, but he did not listen. He never did.
The pace was torturing, so slow and unrushed. She knew this would happen, no matter how much she did not want it to, and she wished for it to hurry so that it would be over quickly, and she could return to her bedroom, the only place of solace.
The buttons were undone and the man slid the nightgown off her, falling to a heap on the floor around her feet.
Bare flesh.
She closed her eyes tightly and waited, wishing with all her might; wishing to all the stars, to let this torture end soon.
~~~
She lay in bed once more. It was an hour later and yet sleep refused take her to the land of dreams, where she oh so desperately wanted to, no, needed to, go. Her dreams were the only place she could escape to. Her dreams were the only place she wanted to live in.
Oh, how she hated herself. She hated herself for her frailty, her helplessness, and her inability to fight. She despised herself, loathed every single fiber in her body; every molecule of her being.
She sat up and walked to the bathroom. This pain is too much for me. I can't last any longer. She didn't have to remain silently cautious as she made her way to the bathroom. He would be asleep, she knew, too tired to stay awake. Yes, he would be tired. The voice in her mind was as sharp as knives and just as deadly.
She closed the door behind her as she flipped on the light. She found herself staring at her reflection. This wasn't anything knew. No, nothing new by far. This was a routine. Such a horribly tedious routine…
Trails of tears stained her alabaster skin and redness rimmed her glassy emerald-like eyes. She was at the pinnacle of her pain and she needed release. She needed it more than anything. Reaching for the bathroom cabinet, which hung on the wall to her left, she opened it and reached inside with a shaking hand. She realized that it wasn't just her hands that were uncontrollably shaking. Her knees buckled and threatened to give out from under her, and her heart pounded against her chest. Yes, she did need this release.
Moving aside the bare necessities naturally found within a bathroom cabinet, she searched until she was awarded by the object she so desperately looked for. A tiny razor blade, thin, but sharp. Yes, it would do it's job just fine. The light glinted off it's metallic surface as she closed the cabinet door and brought up her right hand.
This wasn't premeditated, but there was not a hint of hesitation in her actions. Pulling up the sleeve of her silky nightgown revealed her wrist. Cuts, carelessly made, scarred her delicate skin. Some painfully deep, some hastily shallow. Some old and scarred, some fresh, the color of blood.
Not hesitating, not even faltering in her movements, she brought the blade up to her wrist and slowly cut deeply into her flesh. At once blood flowed out, carrying the pain from within her heart.
Once.
Twice.
Three times she repeated this. Each cut as deep as the other and just as long. Wave after wave of emotional pain flowed along with the blood once entrapped within her veins. She unconsciously dropped her arm to her side. She didn't feel the physical pain these cuts were supposed to bring. No, she welcomed it.
A moment of silence.
Then the sound of blood mixed with salty tears dropping on the tiled bathroom floor reached her ears. It was terribly faint, faint to the point where no one would normally hear, but she heard them. She didn't notice the slow trickling of crimson pain as it snaked it's way down her arms, to her hands, and to the tips of her fingers, only to fall on the cold unforgiving floor.
One would think that this emerald-eyed, auburn-haired teen, with skin as fair as snow, would need only cut a little deeper to end this pain, but that never was her intention. She never intended to leave this world behind, leaving her friends and brother, the only ones she truly loved, with the burden of eternal sorrow and loss. She could never do that to them. She was the benefactor. She would never dream of causing them pain.
So, for them, she lives this life. As painful as it might be, she will live it for them.
~*~
Sleep had finally taken her only an hour ago, but she awoke to be greeted by the sunlight shining through the tiny slits of her blinds. How she scorned the sun. It was looked upon to be a good omen, the sun, it was a sign of happy days, with no worries. She hated it.
She did not need to rub sleep from her eyes, for she wasn't asleep long enough for it to accumulate. Instead her emerald eyes fluttered open and she stood up and stretched. She wasn't ready to face this day, not by far. With the heavy burden she locked away in her heart, she wasn't ready to face anything, but she knew she must, so she will.
She got dressed and fixed her hair, leaving it simple but nice. She then walked to the bathroom and washed her face with cold water to chase away the puffiness that was the result from crying. She sighed as she took one last look at her reflection before facing to head out the door to go downstairs, where she was sure she would find her brother, taunts ready, while fixing breakfast with… with her father.
It was time to put on her mask…
To Be Continued…
Author's Notes: I don't really know why I bother putting an A/N here, since this fic is self-explanatory. Reviews are welcomed and appreciated, but most welcomed are constructive criticisms. Flame me if you must, I don't really care. I write this for myself, and only chose to post it to get opinions.