If I Needed You, Would You Come To Me
*takes place after 5x07*
"Em? It's Paige," it was pretty late but Emily had learned how to sleep light given all that she had been through in recent years.
"Paige? What is it? Are you okay?" Paige hadn't called earlier because she wanted Emily to rest but this was an emergency and Paige knew Em would be glad for the call once she knew what was up.
"Yeah, I'm fine. It's Hanna." Paige said. She hated that she couldn't talk to Em about that voicemail from before. Emily had almost said it. She had almost said she was in love.
"Hanna? What?! What are you talking about?" Why would Paige be with Hanna?
"Look, I found her outside with her fist clutching a near-empty bottle of Jack Daniels." Hanna had left Emily's house early after that horrible dinner with Ali.
"What?! Paige, outside where?"
"Just my house, Em," Paige sighed. She hated bringing news that would upset Emily. She always hated that. She didn't know what else to say. She could never be as close to Emily's friends as she'd want to be and none of that was ever her own fault.
"Oh, okay, I'll come." Emily was up now and in a hurry to figure things out.
"I can bring her if you want," Paige offered.
"It's okay, I'll take my mom's car, she's sleeping anyway."
"Sorry, Em."
"Oh God, Paige, no. Don't be. No matter what I do I always feel like I'm hurting you." Paige didn't know what to say. "I'll be there in a sec." Emily realized that she didn't deserve a response from Paige, not to that sad truth she had just uttered. Having Emily Fields in her life was much more complicated than anything else ever could be for Paige.
Em arrived 2 minutes later. It was about 3am and Hanna had been out wondering aimlessly for over 2 hours without supervision. She tried Emily's first but it was all dark and much too sad. Then she went to see Spence and when she peeked in a window she saw Spencer and Toby fucking like it was fiction all up on the kitchen counter without a care in the goddamn world.
Emily parked on the street and rushed out. She ran right to Hanna and pulled her by her arm, leading her quickly to her car.
"Come on Hanna, get in." Emily ordered. Paige watched from the sidewalk where she had been sitting with Hanna and keeping her company. Hanna seemed drunk but not super out of it. She had questions and it was nice to talk to her. Paige liked it whenever Emily's friends were capable of calming the fuck down. They were all so high-strung. They were sort of impossible.
"No Em, I Don't wanna go! I wanna talk to Paige. We have unnnfininnished bussiness!" Hanna was slurring just a bit. Paige looked at Emily apologetically. She didn't know what Hanna was talking about. In her drunken state, Hanna had asked only questions about Em and it all seemed to be innocent and just normal. Paige had been around drunk friends before. Hanna was drunk and lonely. Paige understood. The only thing Paige couldn't understand was why Hanna would go visit her of all people.
Emily pulled Hanna into the car and tucked her into the passenger seat and shut the door. Once she was inside Emily clicked the button on her mom's keyless entry and locked Hanna in.
"I am sooooo sorry," Emily said walking over to Paige. From the car Hanna watched curiously, a burning sensation split through her brain and made her yell.
"Goddamit!" Hanna yelled, slamming her hands on the dash rather hard.
Em and Paige both heard and stared. Em shot Hanna a warning stare as if to say: OH MY GOD HANNA, WTF?!
"You should take her home," Paige suggested.
"The more time I spend with my friends the more I wish I was with you," Emily groaned truthfully, wiping her face with both of her hands. Paige knew they were a handful, it was part of the reason she stayed away.
"I love you Emily," Paige said again.
"Thank you," Emily said, pulling Paige in for maybe the strongest hug she had ever given. At first Paige felt a tinge of sadness because Emily still hadn't said it, that thing. But then Paige lost herself in Emily Fields. She cherished the hug that was both unexpected and perfect. "Get some rest, okay?" Emily said, pulling away.
"Will do," Paige agreed.
Emily wasn't happy to be the one stuck dealing with a drunk Hanna at 3 in the morning when they should both be in bed. She got into the car and started it up. She began to drive home without words. The truth was, she had nothing to say to Hanna, absolutely nothing. After that dinner and now this? Hanna was like a whole different person lately.
"You're pissed at me now, right?" Hanna asked.
"You're drunk Hanna," Emily said. "We shouldn't talk."
"I'm not drunk! I'm fine." She wasn't slurring, that was a start.
"You are not fine," Emily scoffed angrily.
"Don't," Hanna said, groaning at the attitude and turning away to stare down at the bottle in her hands.
"You don't get to tell me what to do," Emily said. She was seconds away from flying off the handle. Ever since Ali came back it was like Hanna had decided to ruin everything and everyone, act like a complete idiot, and judge Emily almost constantly.
"I'm not okay Em," Hanna confessed.
"Understatement of the fucking year," Emily groaned. She was livid and trying to hold back at least until they got into her room.
"Em, stop," Hanna said, she was close to tears.
"Can we at least wait until we're home to have this conversation?" Emily asked, fuming in her silence.
"I guess," Hanna relented. She was already nervous though. She shouldn't have gone to see Paige and she shouldn't have gone to see Emily earlier either. She should've just stayed in her room and went to sleep like a normal girl, like Em had obviously done.
They pulled up at Em's and got out.
"You didn't take me home," Hanna noticed.
"What, so your mom could see you and turn into a worried wreck?! No Hanna." Emily had all the answers.
"Please don't yell at me," Hanna begged, her head hurt from all the alcohol. She hated when Emily was mad at her, it hurt her more than anything else.
"Shhhh," Emily said taking Hanna by the wrist. She snuck Hanna inside and locked the door, leaving the keys where she had found them and locking them both away in her room once they were finally up the stairs.
"Okay. You!" Emily said, pulling Hanna toward the bed and pushing her to sit in front of her. "Talk." Emily ordered. She had her arms crossed and she looked just as pissed as the day before and the day before that. Hanna couldn't remember the last time Emily was happy to see her. That was part of her problem really. She sort of lived for Emily's happiness up until Ali's return.
"What?" Hanna played dumb. She was still somehow clutching the bottle of Jack. There wasn't a place to put it down and the car would've been the worst place to do that. If she had any balls at all she would've tossed it out the window and listened while it shattered right there in the street into a million tiny pieces.
"Gimme that!" Emily said, taking the bottle from her hands and putting it down.
"Hey," Hanna protested but Em was strong so Em won.
"What are you doing Hanna?!"" Emily almost yelled. She was so frustrated she wanted to shake her. "Why are you up right now?! Why did Paige find you wondering around in the dark near her house?! And for that matter, why'd you try to ship Ali off the other day?! Why've you been acting like all your friends are your enemies and all your enemies are your friends?! What the hell is going on with you?!" Emily wanted to know what was up.
"God, you always bring her up," Hanna moaned. "Why is everything always about her?!" She was talking, of course, of Alison Delaurentis, that ever-growing thorn in her side.
"Are you jealous?! Is that it?!" The sass was radiating off of Emily and hitting Hanna hard in the chest. It was insulting to say the very least. How could Emily even think that of her after all they had been through?
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, EM?!" Hanna yelled, not caring if Emily's mom would wake up. Hanna stood up because SHE WANTED TO SCREAM! She pulled Emily's hand and pushed her to sit down where she had just been on the bed. "Fine!" she yelled. "You wanna talk, Em? Let's talk!" Emily stared at her in anger and surprise. Hanna was sober enough to be angry, apparently. "Why are you always pissed at me, like, no matter what?!" Hanna felt strong, they were going to talk at long last. It was going to happen.
"Hanna, that's not fair," Emily said.
"No Em! It is fair. Answer me. Tell me!" She fought. "Ever since Ali's been back it's like I'm this dumb screw-up who fucks up your life!" Hanna was so over it. She was over feeling insecure. Emily had made her go to that dumb dinner and then she got mad at her for not being a big fucking liar like Alison was almost CONSTANTLY.
"Really Hanna? You wanna start this right now after I just stole my mom's car in the middle of the night to pick your drunk ass up because you were stalking my girlfriend after being drunk at my Mom's dinner party?!" Emily had enough ire in her to paint the whole town red with her anger.
"So, Paige is your girlfriend then?" Hanna asked, looking skeptical. "Because I asked her tonight and she didn't know what to say." Somehow Hanna had turned things around.
"Why would you ask her that?" Emily was confused. It made no sense for Hanna to be talking to Paige. Why would Hanna talk to Paige? What was going on with her?
"What, like it's my fault she had no answer?!"
"That's not what I meant," Emily said.
"You're always mad at me, Em. ALWAYS mad."
"Hanna, that's not true," Emily was still pissed but she wanted to understand.
"You know, life was a lot more simple when Ali was dead."
"How dare you!" Emily yelled, getting up to stand and pace the room.
"I love you Em. I mean I'm in love with you." Emily felt all the air leave her body and Hanna heard that heavy scoff escape Em.
"Wow!" Emily said, tears filling up her eyes. "I wanted to know if you were too drunk for this conversation and I JUST got my answer," Emily scoffed heavily, trying to recover from Hanna's very odd jest.
"I'm not drunk," Hanna said, standing her ground. She scanned the ground and looked back up at Em to show her that her eyes were functioning and she could stand just fine on her own.
"Hanna Marin, you are straight." Emily said, almost angered but also amused. She pulled the covers off the bed and shook her head until she could laugh about it all.
"I'm not, Em," Hanna said, seriously, refusing to move.
"Can we please got to bed?" Emily smiled queerly. Of all the things she had been expecting to come out of Hanna's mouth, that last bit she could never have anticipated. Hanna was an adorable and delusional drunk. Emily smiled just to think of it, of how confused Hanna must be to be saying what she had just said on tonight of all nights.
"You told me you always knew you were gay," Hanna recalled. She was trying to get Em to see but she had obviously gone about it all wrong. She picked the worst time and the worst possible way to have this conversation
"Yeah Hanna, I remember," Emily said, still trying to block it all out.
"And I told you I never knew," Hanna said, as serious as a heartattack. She was baring her soul but all Em could see was her amorous drunk friend standing in her room and saying crazy things she probably wouldn't say if she hadn't been so drunk.
"You're drunk and confused and I love you but we are not having this conversation." Emily turned from her and pulled her sweatshirt off.
"I wanted to be Ali, Em. I wanted to be her."
"Yeah well, we all did," Em was beginning to shut Hanna out. She ushered Hanna to the bed and pushed her down, pulling her sweatshirt up and off and nursing her into a sleeping position on her back.
"I was jealous," Hanna confessed sadly.
"You and everyone else in school," Emily noted, calming down.
"It wasn't like that. I was jealous because of you," Hanna said. Tears began to roll out of her eyes uncontrollably. In retrospect, it all made sense to Hanna. Emily sat down next to her and began to laugh again lightly.
"Don't," Hanna said sitting up to face her.
"I'm sorry," Emily laughed.
"Em, stop," Hanna cried. It wasn't fun for her. None of this was fun.
"Oh sweetie," Emily said, cupping Hanna's face with her hands. "You are soooooooooo drunk!" She said, searching Hanna's eyes joyfully and with much affection.
"We've been talking for 20 minutes, Em. Do I look confused?" Hanna raised a hand to her own cheek and covered one of Em's hands with her own, closing her eyes into Emily's gentle loving touch. She wanted to feel her.
"I can't believe I've never seen you like this before," Emily smiled, looking at her. She pulled away and laid back down. "We used to do everything together." Hanna just stayed and watched. She didn't want to believe that Em had no apparent clue about her feelings. "I've seen you drunk before but you've never done this."
Hanna laid down and turned on her side to face Em. She wanted her so much, just to kiss her and have her just know. Em turned too and grabbed her hand. They searched each other's eyes in different ways.
"You never kissed me," Hanna said.
"It's not really nice to go around kissing all your best friends." Emily smiled cockily.
"You've kissed Spencer." Hanna gulped solemnly, she loved looking at Emily like this.
"Hey! Spencer kissed me!" Emily said defensively. "She wanted to know for sure that she wasn't gay. It was stupid but she was worried."
"And Aria?" Hanna asked mournfully.
"That was a dare!" Emily scoffed. She couldn't believe how funny Hanna was being. She was suddenly glad for this odd night though. She missed Hanna like this, just them two. Jealous Hanna was the best kind of Hanna.
"I've kissed Ali," Hanna said, surprising Emily.
"When?" Emily asked, shocked.
"Before," Hanna said, her throat feeling tight. She reached over Em to grab a bottle of water off of her nightstand. She sat up.
"You never told me," Emily thought rather seriously. Hanna was horrible at keeping secrets. Especially from her.
"She used me before," Hanna said rather coldly.
"What are you talking about?!" Emily asked. She was growing frustrated again but trying not to because Hanna was sweet. Hanna was always sweet to her, too sweet.
"She thought because I was fat and no one liked me that I wouldn't tell anyone what we did. She was right I guess. I never told."
"Hanna," Emily moaned sitting up. "How am I supposed to believe anything you're saying right now?" Emily asked, brushing Hanna's hair out of her face.
"I'm not a liar, Em." She was a lot of things but she had always been horrible at lying. Emily knew.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"You liked her? You seemed happy?" Hanna wasn't sure why she didn't tell her. "I used to think I wanted her but I didn't. I was just confused." Emily scoffed at that lightly, she didn't know what to make of Hanna's early morning confessions.
"And now you think you want me?" Emily wanted to at least get the facts straight. In the morning they could talk. In the morning they could laugh.
"I've never wanted anything more in my entire life," Hanna confessed.
"Then you won't mind if we sleep on it?" Emily asked. She wanted to stop the rambles and save it for another day.
"That's all you have to say?" Hanna felt like running. After the dinner and then Caleb and then this. It was all a wreck. Her life was a wreck.
"Hanna, this is crazy," Emily whined. "My straight best friend is trying to tell me she's in love with me."
"Stop telling me what you think I am."
"But it's true," Emily smiled.
"I just told you that it's not," Hanna fought, getting up. She pulled her sweatshirt on over her head. She knew she had to go.
"You can't leave," Emily said.
"I can't stay," Hanna sighed. She pulled her shoes back on and stared at Em. "I've been so scared to tell you," she breathed. "I better go before my mom notices I'm not there." It was a decent enough excuse to run. She had said all that she could say, all those thoughts that had been keeping her up and causing her to want to disappear into booze. They were all out now, at least to the one person who mattered.
"Hanna, Jesus, stay," Emily begged feeling desperate. It had all gotten a little too real just then.
"If I stay, I'll just cry," Hanna said reluctantly. She wiped the tears from under her eyes, hating that it could all really be this anti-climactic. She shouldn't be surprised. Emily has Ali. Emily has Paige. "You can have any girl you want." Hanna smiled through her tears and presumptions. "Of course you don't want me…" She said sadly, trying not to really look. "I mean, why would you? Who would actually want to keep me?"
She stood up and shook her head, trying to shake it all off and become a survivor. She was so stupid. So extremely thick. She laughed to herself knowing the tears would probably never stop today.
Emily watched basically stunned as Hanna got up and walked out of her room. It wasn't lost on Em at all that Hanna hadn't even tried to grab her booze before leaving.
Emily got up quickly and dressed again feeling nervous. It was still dark outside when she got out. She looked up her street and down before seeing Hanna's form, at the very end, near the stop sign.
"Hanna!" She yelled, causing Hanna to turn and slow reluctantly. She had thought she was out of the woods but Emily couldn't just let Hanna leave like that.
"It's okay, Em, I get it." Hanna said, once Emily had finally gotten close enough to see her and hear her voice.
"You get what?" Em asked, panting, she had run the length of the street.
"I'm not attractive. I'm not lesbian enough or whatever. I'm not your type."
"I don't have a type," Emily laughed. From Ali to Maya to Paige? There was certainly not a type that Emily could distinguish.
"Well, whatever," Hanna said. "You're not attracted to me and I get it." It was the only real answer she could have for it.
"Hanna, you're gorgeous," Emily said. "Of course I'm attracted to you," Emily smiled. It was weird to be saying it. She always thought Hanna knew how gorgeous she was. I mean, she knew Ali had fucked her up mentally but Hanna had always been attractive as hell.
"Yeah right Em, I'd know by now if you were."
"I just, I still don't get where this is coming from." Emily fought. She was looking at Hanna and trying to understand it but Hanna was bruised and this whole night was a mystery. Emily started to think about all of their conversations lately and how strange Hanna had been, how unhappy, ever since Ali.
"You don't want me, okay. I get it," Hanna was crying lightly and trying not to. It was hard to talk to Emily about all this. It only made it worse that Emily thought she was full of shit.
"Hanna," Emily said, reaching out for her and grabbing her wrist to stop her from running away.
"What?!" Hanna said, wiping tears from her eye with her free wrist and looking at Emily as if she was the same old pain-in-the-ass she always was.
"Aw, fuck it," Emily breathed, pulling Hanna to her quick and kissing her fast, just to see what it would be like. Just to shut her up and show her that she was straight and this wasn't for them.
As soon as it happened Hanna felt herself falling. She felt that touch at her wrist, it burned delightfully and spoke of something. She felt Emily's lips on hers for the first time in her life. Emily was kissing her, she really was.
"Uhhh," Hanna moaned into Emily's mouth, she felt instantly weak in the knees and ready to fall.
"Shit," Emily gasped, her eyes shut in her angry pleasure. She pushed Hanna away a little but she wouldn't let her go because it was true, it was all true. Hanna fucking loved her.
"I know," Hanna said painfully, feeling it too, that intense and powerful craving to taste her yet again and have her want her back again.
Emily pulled her to her again and kissed her again. It couldn't be, could it? She kissed her and felt her and it was somehow even better because she never ever expected to want her so fucking much.
"Uhhh," Hanna sighed into her mouth, just like she had done seconds before. She couldn't stop herself doing it. Emily kissed her and she just felt helpless and lost in her.
"WHAT THE FUCK HANNA?!" Emily screamed, pushing her away.
It was like Hanna had been keeping this from her all this time.
"Wh-what was that?!" Emily asked, looking at her. She wanted answers, an explanation. "Hanna!" She shook. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!"
"I'M SORRY OKAY?!" Hanna whined in her tears.
"NOW?! FUCKING NOW?!" Emily yelled. Hanna watched as Em held at her head with both hands and paced on the sidewalk trying not to get close again. "We used to live together Hanna. We slept in the same fucking bed for two years."
"I know," Hanna groaned.
"I've been kissing girls in front of you for like years!" Emily groaned.
"I know…" Hanna didn't have a reason for all of the time it took her to realize her feelings.
"Say something else," Emily ordered. "You have to say something else!"
"I thought I wanted to be Ali. I thought I wanted to be pretty and popular and loved by all the boys…" She tried to explain. "I just wanted you, Em. It was always about you." She said everything so definitively. Hanna never said anything definitively unless she knew it to be true. She couldn't lie and she couldn't fake it. If she was saying she wanted Em, then she wanted Em and that was that.
"FUCKING SHIT, HANNA!" The girl had dropped a bomb.
"I wanna kiss you again, Em. I mean it, I wanna kiss you again." Hanna was pacing lightly, ready to turn and run. She knew it was wrong. She knew she was slow. She knew she'd just fucked with Emily's life but she couldn't not tell her, not now that she knew. She'd already been mean and rude and distant. She had tried all of the things.
"I know, I want to kiss you too," Emily said feeling angry. Hanna was so pathetically used to people just leaving her, she was just waiting for it, she knew Emily would leave too. But Emily could never leave Hanna, not ever. She was always there for her, always. She was the one consistent friend.
"I reeeeeeeally hate you right now," Emily said, staring at her with mixed wanting and loathing.
"I know and I deserve it," Hanna cried.
"No you don't Hanna," Emily was sure. "You're beautiful and smart and you don't jump into things like a fucking idiot. You're like the perfect person. You're my best friend…"
"But?" Hanna was waiting for it.
"But… But nothing," Emily decided. She walked to Hanna and pulled her body into her, kissing her again, this time hard and slow. She was so fragile and Emily loved it, she loved kissing her. Hanna was a beautiful wreck and she as her beautiful wreck. They were the two people most fucked by Ali. It was no wonder they understood each other so well and cared so fucking much.
"You hate me now, don't you," Hanna was still crying but she was smiling, she couldn't help it.
"Of course I hate you," Emily lied, tucking a hand below Hanna's chin and pushing her lips up to kiss her again. She couldn't hate her if she tried.
"I'm starving," Hanna whined. She leaned her head on Emily's shoulder and hugged her hard, loving that they had kissed and fought and talked and loved. Emily was her girl, at least for tonight.
"Come on, lets get breakfast," Emily said.
"What about your mom?"
"Fuck it," Emily said. They'd been out all night anyway. They were always missing and kidnapped and gone.
Emily led Hanna along the road, holding her up by her waist and hugging her to her. "You taste like whiskey, you know..." She said grumpily.
"Sorry," Hanna said again.
"God, you're so fucking weird…" Emily huffed, resigned to it.
It was like nothing had changed. But everything was now better.
They both smiled all the way to the diner. And after that they smiled all the way home.