Metaphorically Speaking

A play in one act.

Setting: 221B Baker Street. Sitting room. Late afternoon. Sherlock Holmes is in his chair, focused intently on his laptop. He is dressed in a purple shirt, open at the throat, dark suit jacket and trousers.

John Watson enters from the hall and stands in the doorway. He is dressed in an off-white cable knit jumper and jeans, a carry-all at his side. He hesitates for a long moment, sets down the bag, then slowly enters the room.

John: Sherlock, I need to talk to you.

Sherlock [still intent on computer]: Yes?

John: I've something to say

Sherlock [still not looking up]: Go on, I'm listening.

John: No, I mean it. I have to talk to you. – It's important…..

[At his tone, Sherlock looks up. He studies John for a moment, taking in the carry-all]

Sherlock: Dublin again?

John: What? No, not this time…wish it was….

Sherlock: Alright. You have my attention.

John: This is going to be hard to say, really hard, so please, right now, for me, could you turn off anything in this room that chirps, beeps, or vibrates?

[Without taking his eyes off John, Sherlock slowly shuts the lid of his computer and removes his mobile from his jacket, thumbing it off and setting both devices carefully on the table beside him]

John: Good, thanks. No interruptions then, okay? Because it's taken me a long time to find the courage and if I don't say it now, I never will. [He hesitates then takes a deep breath] Sherlock, I like women, I always have.

[Sherlock quirks an eyebrow].

John: I've always liked how they look and how they talk. I like their softness, how they smell, how they laugh – those warm, secret places. It's always been that way….

[He begins to pace, agitated]

John: Jesus, why is this so hard… [He takes another deep breath, goes on resolutely] When Mike introduced us that day at Bart's, I was in a bad way, remember? Yeah, I know, I don't have to remind you. You knew everything in one glance – about me, my sister - everything. Anyway, I was at a low point, nothing going on for me; then Mike sets us up and everything changes. I don't quite know how to describe it. I mean, suddenly I had the privilege of watching that extraordinary mind of yours at work and I got to tag along and be part of your world; and, jeez, it was like nothing I'd ever seen or done before, you know. God, your mind…it's like this beautifully crafted, finely tuned engine, running on something like 12 cylinders every second of the day; it's amazing. But it isn't just your mind and the way it works, you know? That would be one thing, but it's more than that, it's the whole package, the whole posh thing - the voice, the clothes, the cheekbones…

[Sherlock leans forward in his chair. He steeples his hands in front of his mouth, watching John intently]

[John paces some more, struggling for words]

John: Christ! I'm fucking this up. Okay, I'm just going to say it. You're like this elegant, sleek, high class Ferrari, and I'm just this bloke, walking down the street, minding my own business. Then I pass this showroom and there in the window is a really amazing, extraordinary vehicle. So now I've got my face pressed up to the glass looking in, and I'm thinking, "Wow". Then somehow - God knows how, because I'm really just this ordinary guy - I'm allowed inside and suddenly I'm sitting in the passenger seat, going along for the ride, and you know what? I've never been happier in my life. And I'm thanking my lucky stars life is good again and I'm thinking I could ride along like this forever, just taking it all in. Then one day - one really scary day - I realize those pretty girls walking down the sidewalk - the ones I said I liked? I'm not looking at them anymore. I'm only looking at the Ferrari.

Sherlock: John…

John: No, let me finish, because this is the bad part, okay?

[He stops pacing and stands still, looking at Sherlock]

John: You see it's not enough for me to be a passenger going along for the ride and admiring this Ferrari anymore. What I want…God help me - what I want is to own it. I want it to be mine, so no one else can have it – ever. I want to be able to touch it and run my hands over the sleek design and breathe in the rich smell of leather. I want to take the wheel in my hands and rev the engine to the max and listen to it purr. And I want to lift the bonnet and tinker with everything inside until I know every inch of it.

Okay, so now I've said it - and please don't pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about, because I've made it pretty damn obvious, haven't I? This is more than a bit not good…it's a bloody, god-awful, fucking disaster, is what it is.

[He runs out of words and stares down at the floor, lost].

[A beat of silence]

Sherlock [a ghost of a smile crossing his face]: That was the bad part? Why was that the bad part?

John [looks up, disbelieving] Because it means I can't be here anymore, Sherlock! It means I have to leave Baker Street. Now that it's out, you can't have a bloody foolish flat-mate prowling around the place like a tom cat. Yeah, that's a lovely thought, isn't it? Think of the distraction to your work. You'd be looking over your shoulder every second. You'd start locking your bedroom door.

[He starts pacing again]

John: Then there's me! I can't hang out here, within arm's reach, bumping into you at night in the hallway, not being able to have what I want. Jesus Christ, the frustration would build until I'd blow like a steam kettle. [He shakes his head sadly]. Nope, this is a game changer.

[Another beat of silence]

Sherlock: Cars, kettles, sports…..really, John, too many metaphors.

John: Christ, you're teasing me at a time like this? [He rakes his fingers through his hair, distressed] I lie awake at night trying to figure this crazy thing out and it just doesn't make sense to me. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore! I don't know how or when or why this could have happened. [His voice becomes a broken whisper] I'm so sorry…..

Sherlock [rises from chair and slowly begins to cross the room]: I'm afraid I can't answer the how or the why of it; what triggers the chemistry of this type of attraction remains a mystery to even the most brilliant minds. But I can answer the when. It was right from the start, when you first walked into Bart's.

John: What? No! No way! You're so wrong! I mean, there was Sarah soon after, right?

Sherlock: I'm never wrong. And yes, there was Sarah, but how far did that get you? As far as the lilo, that's where. Or was it the sofa? – Well, no matter. Sarah was aware quite quickly. I was beginning to wonder when you'd catch up to us.

John: Wait! So what are you saying? You've known all along? When I couldn't even see it myself?

Sherlock: - Transparent really. Of course I've known

John [shock and disbelief]: - Jesus Christ, you bastard! So why the hell haven't you thrown me out?

Sherlock [moving closer]: Why would I do that? Ask yourself, what does it mean if I haven't asked you to leave?

John [weakly]: …That you find me useful?

Sherlock: Well, yes…..but I was hoping you'd go deeper.

John [confused]: I'm….I'm not really sure what you're getting at.

Sherlock [with great patience]: John, when have you ever known me to tolerate something I find intolerable?

John [slowly]: So, are you saying this thing, what I've said just now, isn't intolerable to you?

Sherlock: Yes, that's what I'm saying. Come on then. [He advances closer, prompting] And why is it not intolerable?

John [still confused]: Because….it's fine… it's all fine?

Sherlock [shaking his head, sighing]: Deeper, John.

[Silence, then John's eyes widen in comprehension and surprise]

John [faltering]: Because… because, you're having these same feelings? The same as me? About me?

Sherlock [a rare smile spreading slowly across his face]: Ah, so you've arrived at the heart of the matter at last….well done, you!

John [gasping]: Bloody hell! Don't do this to me; because if it isn't true…

Sherlock [calmly]: I can assure you, it's quite true.

John: Since…since how long?

Sherlock: Since always – since the first second. Now, can we get back to that sleek Ferrari metaphor? I rather liked it.

John [stammering]: Wait! The first second? At Bart's? But your work…what about being married to your work and all that? What about the distraction this will bring… Jesus, how the hell did you keep it so well hidden?

Sherlock [shrugs modestly]: I'm a master of disguise when I need to be - unlike some who wear their hearts on their sleeves. Look, in all honesty, you weren't ready to know. Until you were, it would have alarmed you. I had to let you come to it on your own.

John [going quiet at the realization]: - And if I hadn't come to it?

Sherlock [simply]: Then everything would have remained the same.

John: You'd be able to live like that, under the same roof?

Sherlock: Yes. Even if that's all it could ever be, it would still be worth it to me.

John [softly]: ….. I want to believe this, but, I don't get it. Why me? Guys like me, we don't get to have Ferraris. It just doesn't happen.

Sherlock: Why not?

John [sadly]: Well, because they're beyond us – really far beyond us…..out of reach…

[Sherlock has crossed the room and is now standing directly in front of John, looking down at him]

Sherlock: Ah, you can't see it, can you? You're the wealthiest man I know. You're like gold – pure 24 karat gold, the most precious of elements. You shine with it. And what amazes me – and yes, you do amaze me, all the time - is that you have no concept of your worth and the value I place in you.

[He cups his hands on either side of John's face and tilts his face up to his]

Sherlock [softly]: The Ferrari is yours, John. Take it.

[Slowly and with infinite care, he leans down and gently presses his lips to John's. John goes very still; then his arms come up to encircle Sherlock, pressing his body close, giving in completely to the kiss. After a long moment, they part]

John [trying to catch his breath]: God, oh my God…I never thought ….Jeez, a guy's got to get used to something like this. [Sudden snort of nervous laughter] Oh shit, there's a problem. I've never driven a Ferrari! I don't even have a license.

[Near hysterical giggling ensues]

Sherlock [smiling, voice a deep purr]: I'm sure we can take care of that easily enough. I believe it won't take long to teach you to handle the twists and turns, and of course, how to properly handle a stick shift. [More laughter] No doubt you'll be a very quick study. As for what's under the bonnet, I'm no mechanic - that's your area, doctor.

[John laughs again then reaches up eagerly, confident now. They kiss again, more passionately]

John [breathless, taking Sherlock's hand and tugging him toward the hall]: God, let's have that first lesson right now. Time's right for a test drive, yes?

Sherlock [pulling him back close, studying him fondly as the lights begin to come down]: You've been in the driver's seat for a long time now, John Watson. You just didn't know it.

[Fade to black]

The End

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