He hadn't been able to save her.
He had watched her die, watched her slowly stop breathing. He had held her as her heart stop beating, as her body grew hard and cold, as her eyes slowly drifted shut. He had watched her in pain, had watched her bleed, and had watched her sweat. He had heard her screams, had seen her tears, had heard her last words. He had listened as sirens came in the distance, had watched as they took her out of his arms, and had felt how he felt empty once she was gone. He had watched them try to revive her, had watched them work frantically in the ambulance, and had heard when they pronounced her dead. And he hadn't been able to save her.
And he had gotten angry and depressed. He had gone into denial, and had left the Cohen house. He had stared at her pictures while her funeral was taking place, but he wouldn't go, he couldn't go. He couldn't bare the thought of seeing her body in a casket, to see her friends and family crying over her. He couldn't stand to see her body go into the ground, he couldn't bare to see her tombstone that had her short life on it. He couldn't stand it because this was all his fault. If only he could have saved her.
And as he cage fought every day, he tried to take out his anger on his opponent. When he got hit and got hurt, he knew he deserved it. Everything was his fault, if only he had pulled over, maybe things would have been different. But he hadn't, and every time he got hit, he was getting pay back for his sins.
Right now he was outside of the Cohen house. He was just sitting in his car, staring at the driveway, the same driveway where he had met Marissa. He didn't dare get out though, didn't dare move one step closer. He couldn't hurt them the way he'd hurt Marissa, he wouldn't hurt them the way he'd hurt Marissa. He sighed and slowly drove away from their house, away from his old life.
He drove to his new home and walked inside. He lay down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He picked at the bed on top of him, pulling the springs. He blinked, and the next thing he knew, he was standing in the Model Home. He looked around and heard someone crying. He turned his attention to a figure in the room, a female. That's when he noticed it, it was her. Marissa.
He walked over to her and put his hand on her back, but quickly took it away. "Are you okay?" he asked. She just nodded, and he remembered what had happened last time. He just had to pull over this time. "It's kind of weird thinking of that night. The last time we were here, I was leaving and now you are."
She nodded again and sniffed. He kept staring at her, savoring everything about her. She was somehow here and miraculously alive. It was a miracle; he'd gotten his second chance. "That night…did you ever think we'd end up together?"
"Are you saying it's over?" He asked with a smile. She smiled as well and he said, "Cause you never know right?"
She nodded and looked down. When she looked up, tears were in her eyes again. She looked so beautiful to him, and he just wanted to kiss her at this moment, but he knew that would only complicate things more. "I'm sorry for all the craziness." She said softly.
"I wouldn't have done it any differently." He said. "Except, maybe Oliver."
She laughed and said, "Me too."
He kept looking at her for a long time, not saying anything. She looked straight back at him, and he knew that they should be going. "Are you ready to go?"
"As ready as I'll ever be." She said, looking away from him.
He walked out of the house, and into the car. He saw someone follow him, but he didn't do anything. He knew who it was already, but when it was time to pull over, he would know. Meanwhile he made small talk with Marissa, and it felt good to talk to her again. He heard the honk, and already knew what was going to happen. He just hoped that this time was different. When Volchok told him to pull over, he did. He got out, and Marissa did too. "What do you want man?" He asked angrily.
Volchok gave him a dirty smile and said, "I need to talk to her."
"She doesn't want to talk to you." He said, making sure Volchok wasn't able to get to Marissa.
"Ryan, it's fine." She said, putting her hand softly on his shoulder. He felt the electricity make its way into his body, and he turned to her.
"It's not safe."
She gave him a smile and said, "I'll be fine." She turned to Volchok and asked, "What do you want with me?"
"I want you to come with me." He said softly. It made him want to punch the guy right now.
"I don't want to come with you, now if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere I need to be." She turned to him and then said, "Come on, let's go."
He turned to look at Volchok, and it seemed to happen in slow motion. He watched as he pulled out the gun and aimed it at Marissa. "If I can't have you, no one can." He said, and then there was a loud boom. He quickly turned and looked to where Marissa was, and saw that she'd been shot in the chest.
He went to her, and heard her moaning and groaning in pain. He felt a pang of guilt hit him, that should be him, he should've stopped Volchok. But now he's here with her dying in his arms a second time. "Marissa…" He said, holding her close to him. He put pressure on her wound, trying to stop the bleeding. He felt his hands get soaked with blood, her blood. "It's going to be okay." He said quietly.
"You…" She started. Just then, an ambulance showed up and pulled her away from him.
"No, no, you can't take her, she was going to say something!" He shouted at the paramedic. "Marissa, I'm what?" He shouted at her. She didn't answer though, and he was ushered into the ambulance. He held her hand and asked, "What were you going to say?" She just looked at him, and he could see her trying to speak. After a while though, she shook her head.
"Sorry." She whispered. He could barely hear her. But then, he felt her hand go limp in his own, and she closed her eyes. He watched the paramedics trying to revive her, but they didn't do any good.
"Dead on arrival." One of them said. He looked up at them and sighed, feeling himself resort back to his old ways. He became angry with himself, he couldn't save her. He'd watched her die right in front of him, had felt her hand go limp in his own again. But he still hadn't saved her.
He slowly reached for his cell phone and pulled it out of his pocket. He dialed the Cohen's house first, and then he called Julie. Kirsten had answered the same way that she had last time, "Oh my God, I can't believe this."
Julie responded differently this time. Last time she'd been grateful that he'd gotten her out of the car before it exploded. She'd thanked him for not leaving her alone to die, for being there with her in her final moments. Now she was quiet for a long time, and then slowly hissed, "It's all your fault."
He was quiet for a couple of moments, and then in a voice full of emotion he said, "I know it is." And then he hung up. He sunk down to the ground and put his head in his hands. He could smell the foul stench of blood on them, of her blood on his hands. He walked to the nearest restroom and started to wash his hands, but he felt that he couldn't get it off. He scrubbed and scrubbed until his hands were raw and still he felt like there was blood stained into his skin, into his soul. He'd failed his mission, he hadn't saved her.
That's all that he could think about, and he scrubbed until he couldn't feel anymore. He yelled at the top of his lungs, but it was like no one heard his cries. "WHY"!!!" He asked no one in particular. "Why did she have to die?" He asked quietly. "Why can't I save her?"
"What if you had another chance?" He heard someone say.
Suddenly he blacked out.
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The next thing he knew he was getting confronted by Volchok again. He had just retrieved Taylor's money and was beginning to walk out. Volchok started talking in that nasty way of his and he only caught the last part, "I could have her on her back on that mattress." He felt his fists clench and just stood there for a second.
Then he turned around and said, "Your loss…" He smirked and then started to walk away. He stopped right before he turned the corner and said, "Is my gain. You don't deserve her." Volchok didn't follow him, and it seemed that things were finally going good for him.
He went home and decided to sleep before calling Marissa. He rested his head on the pillow and must have dozed off because the next thing he knew it was dark out and his phone was ringing. He sighed and looked at the caller id, seeing that it was Marissa. He quickly picked it up and then said, "Hey."
"Meet me under the pier and don't call the cops." Was all he heard before the line went dead. He quickly got up and left, knowing that Marissa was in trouble once again. He couldn't happen though, he just couldn't. He wouldn't let her die again.
He couldn't let her die again.
He drove to the spot that he'd gone and met Volchok when they talked about Marissa and who was responsible for her. He wished he could take that whole part of his life back and stay with Marissa, but he knew that he couldn't. Not now anyways. He saw Volchok alone with Marissa and figured that he could take him. He saw something shiny then though. He soon found out it was a knife.
"Now we can finally get even." Volchok said angrily, holding the knife near Marissa's throat.
Marissa looked at Ryan with eyes not filled with sorrow or fear, not with love or hate. No, her eyes were filled with understanding and frustration. "Don't kill her, kill me." He offered, trying to save her.
"You think I want you?" Volchok sneered. "Please, I only want what's close to you. I figured this is the most important thing. "Any last words?" He said, looking at Marissa.
She nodded and looked Ryan straight in the eye. "You can't always save me Ryan." She said softly.
"Looks like you've finally learned something." Volchok said with a sly smile. "Too bad you can't ever use it." In one fast motion Volchok killed Marissa.
Again.
And Ryan was angry.
Again.
He'd failed.
Again.
"What the hell did you do that for?" He asked angrily, shoving Volchok.
"What do you think I did it for? You get everything! You have the family and the money, the school and the car. You have everything I didn't…and she was the only thing that I could take." Volchok said with a satisfied grin.
"I'm going to kill you!" He said. "You watch your back."
"Ooh, I'm so scared." Volchok taunted.
He lunged for Volchok, but instead hit air. He didn't know what had happened, but suddenly he was at a part and tons of little kids were running around. He didn't know where he was, but just knew that he didn't remember anything like this. "It's her fifth birthday." He heard someone say. It was the same voice from earlier that said something about second chances.
He turned and saw a man, but the man was wearing sunglasses so you couldn't see his eyes. "Who's fifth birthday?" He asked, looking at the scene before him again.
"Marissa's. It's Marissa's fifth birthday." The guy said unemotionally.
"Why don't they notice me?" He asked, walking around only to be ignored.
"They can't see you."
"What am I doing here then?" He asked uneasily. "Why am I here? I need to save her."
"You can't save her." The guy stated.
"Yeah, I can. I just need to stop Volchok…or Trey. If I just—"
But he was cut off. "You can't always save her Ryan." The man looked in the direction of the party.
Ryan followed the guys gaze and saw that they were all sitting around the cake. A little five year old Marissa was looking at the candles and then up at her dad expectantly. "Okay everyone, it's time to sing!" Jimmy announced happily. "Ready, set go, Happy Birthday to you…"
The guy turned to him again and said, "She was doomed, even right here she was doomed. She's destined to die Ryan. You can't fight that."
"But she can't leave me." He said sadly. "I can't live without her."
"Bad things are going to happen and there's nothing you can do about that. Sooner or later she'll just be a memory." The guy reassured.
Ryan wasn't so sure though. He watched the little five year old Marissa blowing out her candles and wondered what she was wishing for. Even there she was doomed, just like the guy said. She was going to die at an early age no matter what he did.
You can't fight fate.
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Ryan woke up slowly in a dark room that he couldn't remember. He looked around and suddenly it all came back to him. He was in his new home now, it must have all been a dream. He quickly got up and grabbed his stuff and stuffed it into a bag. He had to get out of here. He couldn't live here anymore. He needed to be with the Cohens, he needed to tell them about his realization.
He quickly drove to the Cohen house and saw that it was going to be ten in the morning. He knocked on the door and was met by a very grouchy looking Seth. But then Seth saw the bag and asked, "Are you back?"
Ryan smiled for the first time in a long time and said, "Yeah, I am."
They awkwardly stood there, not knowing what to do, but then Seth moved aside so that Ryan could come in. He walked inside and looked around, feeling as though it was different in some way than the last time he saw it. The last time he saw it had been about a week after Marissa died. He couldn't live here anymore, not when he knew that he could bring harm to the Cohens.
Him and Seth walked into the kitchen and were met by Sandy and Kirsten. Kirsten saw him first and quickly ran to him and threw her arms around him in a big hug. "Are you back for good?" She asked happily.
"Yeah, I really am." He said softly, running his hand over her back. It felt good to be held.
Sandy came up to him next and put his hand on Ryan's shoulder. "Can I asked you what changed your mind?"
"It's a long story." He said softly.
"Well we'd love to hear it….if you don't mind telling that is." Kirsten said softly.
He looked at her and then over to Sandy and Seth and sighed. "Let's go on the couch." So they all went to the living room and then he sat down and said, "I blamed myself. I thought that it was my fault…maybe I could've saved her." He looked down and felt a wave of emotion come over him. "I couldn't bare to think that you guys would get hurt like she did, so I left. I didn't want to hurt you, but I apparently did. And so I was away and couldn't forgive myself for what I'd done."
"But you didn't do anything." Seth pointed out.
"Just let me finish. So I continued blaming myself for Marissa's death. Then last night…I had this dream. I had to keep trying to save her, but I failed twice. I learned something very valuable from that dream."
"What was that?" Sandy asked.
He looked up at all three of them and then said, "You can't always be a hero."