this isn't a happy one shot. not exactly. this is me needing to get feelings out before i have to go be normal at school tomorrow. the easiest way for me to do that is to write, so i did. i had to write this, and if someone reads this (she'll know who she is), this is just me now. i'll eventually heal. but it's true. i can't force myself to do this much more. if you're reading this and hating me, at least i put some addex in to soften the blow. please don't make me give the ultimatum. i care about you too much to want to give the ultimatum. so please don't make me.
this is from addison's POV.
-insert disclaimer here-
Here's the thing. Worrying about someone sucks. Having to take care of them sucks. Freaking out about them sucks. Not being able to do a damn thing to help them sucks. And sometimes you're just so exhausted that you want to curl up and sleep for a thousand years. But you just have to keep going, because they need you.
It sucks to be not able to say when you're having one of the worst days of your life, "I'm going to shoot myself," because you realize exactly what your saying. It sucks to have a large part of your vocabulary stripped away from you. No more kill, no more die, no more shoot, no more suicide. You can't say any of those things, because you realize just what is coming out of your mouth. Of course you're not going to go home and shoot yourself literally, it's just a figure of speech. But you can't say it anymore because it reminds you. It reminds you that people do that. And you can't comment that if your workload gets to be any heavier, you're going to commit suicide. Because it reminds you, reminds you that people will commit suicide, they have or they try or seriously they think about it. And it sucks that whenever you hear something like that come out of someone's mouth you tear up because you remember.
I get so pissed off when people say things like that. Suicide is serious. People don't seem to get that. They comment that they're going to shoot themselves, or that someone should go hang themselves, and move on with their life. One day, someone might take them seriously. One day, maybe they'll know what it's like to get a call saying that their best friend is in the hospital. Maybe one day, they'll know what it's like to get a call saying that their best friend is thinking about killing herself, do something. Maybe they'll know what it's like to call their best friend and convince her to talk to someone. Maybe they'll know what it's like to spend hours agonizing, hoping that she did the right thing and is safe. Maybe they'll know what it's like to visit her in the psych ward. They probably won't, though. That's only for us lucky few.
And then, for us super lucky people, there are the friends that attempt multiple times. For no apparent reason, they try to leave life behind. And you try to get into their head, try to understand just why they think their life sucks that much. And you can't. You can't understand. So you worry. And while you're worrying, you get mad. Why do they think that they're worthless? Why do they think that no one cares? Can't they see the consequences? Don't they get that they're not just hurting themselves? They're killing you a little every time, too. So you get angry and you lash out at people who you think don't understand. And that tends to get you into trouble. And then you get angrier, because it's your friend's own damn fault.
And after the anger subsides, you get tired. Just so tired. And all you want to do is stay home and do nothing, but you can't, you have to go act normal.
And just when you think that everything's going to be okay, that you're friend is stable and safe, just when you stop acting normal and actually are normal, they pull the rug out from underneath you again. And then the whole thing starts all over again.
And one day, you realize, you can't do this anymore. You can't put yourself through any more misery. Anger takes a lot out of a person. You start to realize that you need to take care of yourself. You can't take on this problem anymore. Because, even if your support is helping the person, you're going to be destroyed if you keep it up. So you mentally make an ultimatum. And the next time that your friend tries to off herself, you're going to give it to her. One more time, and you're cutting off all contact. You're not going to be there for her anymore, because you're tired of having to be strong. You've got enough shit going on in your life, you don't need the added stress of worrying about hers. So you've got your ultimatum and you hope and pray that you don't have to use it, because you love your friend and you don't want to stop talking to her, but you have to, just to stay sane.
I had to give the ultimatum. I couldn't take the frantic phone calls from Savvy, saying that Jamie was in the hospital again. The last time it happened, I flew out to New York, because I always have to go when something like this happens. We're the Terrible Trio, the Slightly Satanic Set (we've only declared ourselves that since Derek called me Satan). We're there for one another. Always. Even if I happen to be living in Seattle. So I flew out to New York on the first flight I could get, and on the way I went from worried to angry. Just like that. By the time I got to visit Jamie, I was angrier than I'd ever been.
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LAST YEAR...
I walked the almost familiar halls of the psych ward and saw her. And I hugged her as tightly as I could, because even if I gave my ultimatum, I still had to make sure she was breathing. When I let go and we sat down, I remembered why I was there. "What the hell were you thinking?" I tried to keep my voice down, but I didn't succeed. "Again? Jamie, you can't keep doing this!"
"I don't know, Addie, I just don't know," she shook her head. And that pissed me off even more, if that were possible.
"You don't know? You don't know?" I yelled. "You don't know why you decided to try to kill yourself, yet again?"
"Addie…"
"I don't believe you. I fly out here, worried sick, and you don't know why. You don't know. You just felt like it. You just felt like trying to kill yourself. That is the most selfish thing I think I've ever heard." I take a few deep breaths to chill out. "I can't take anymore of this, James. I just can't."
"Addison, I know, and I'm sorry. I just… I…"
"James, you know I love you. You do. And you have to know that this really kills me to say. I can't do this anymore. I can't be a support system to someone who is continually trying to destroy herself. I can't do it. I know you need support now, and I'm here now. But one more time, James, and I'm not. I can't do that to myself. Not again."
"Addie," Jamie said, reaching out to touch my arm, but I move it.
"Consider this your last chance, James. You get one more shot. That's it," I informed her. "Now I'm going to leave, and you're going to get better, okay? And when I know you're okay, I'm going to go back to Seattle, and I'm not going to hear you're back in the hospital, right?"
"Right," she agreed. And I believed her.
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PRESENT DAY...
I haven't had my coffee yet today, so I'm autopilot at the moment. In fact, the only thing I register is the fact that my intern is quite possibly the hottest thing roaming this hospital, which is something I register all of the time. It's a problem. I get my cup of coffee, joyfully sipping the caffeine. Karev returns from running some labs. "Have you got anything else?" he asks.
I'm about to answer, when my phone rings. I check the screen. Savvy, it reads. I signal for him to wait a second and answer. "Sav?"
"Addie, how are you?"
"What's wrong? You never call me during work."
"How's your day?"
"Skip the small talk , Sav. What is going on?" It has to be serious, she's avoiding answering.
"It's Jamie." Those two words are the only ones I need to hear to know what is going on.
I fight back tears, glancing at Alex, trying to shoo him. It doesn't work, he doesn't get the message. "Is she- is she okay?" I ask quietly, swallowing.
"She is now."
"Okay," I say.
"Are you going to fly out?" Savvy asks.
"I… I don't know. I told her… I told her one more time…" I stumble, trying to get what I have to say out without crying. "I gave her an ultimatum."
"She's in pretty bad shape, Adds. She keeps asking for you."
I sigh. "I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Thanks, Addie. I can't do this alone. You know that."
"Yeah," I say. "See you soon." I hang up.
As panic washes over me, I feel the pinpricks of tears in back of my eyes. "Are you okay?" Alex asks quietly. I shake my head, being honest for once.
"I just need to lie down."
"Do you want to talk?" he inquires as he guides me to an on-call room.
I make a split-second decision, and decide to tell all. "My best friend tried to kill herself. Again. For the third time." He stays quiet. "And now I have to go to New York and be strong for her and I can't do that anymore. I can't make myself hurt anymore."
"You shouldn't have to," he tells me. "I mean, it great and all that you want to be there for her. But you shouldn't have to."
"She needs me, though," I say.
"She needs support. But she needs help that you can't give her, and it's obviously killing you too."
"I gave her an ultimatum last time. I told her the last time that it was the last time I was going to be there. Did I… did I do the right thing?" I don't know why I'm turning to my intern for help, but I've never felt so lost in my life. I'll take all the help I can get.
"Maybe. I think you should go a little less extreme than that," he advises. "You should definitely separate yourself, though. It's tearing you apart, I can see that." I nod. "Get some sleep," he orders. He pauses for a second, and then pulls me into a hug. For the first time in weeks, I feel comfortable. As we pull back, he pushes a strand of hair back from my face and I hold my breath. Then he leans in and kisses me softly. I'm shocked for a moment, but I kiss him back. I try to deepen the kiss, but he pulls back, and I'm confused. "Sleep," he commands. "Do you want me to arrange your flight?"
"That would be great," I agree.
"Okay." He kisses me again. "Rest. I'll get you out of here as soon as possible."
I smile slightly. "Thank you."
"No problem." Then he leaves me and I sleep.
0ooo0
He does a nice job of arranging my flight. I'm on a flight the next day, and back at the psych ward the day after that. Not a single thing has changed. I see Jamie waiting for me. This time I don't hug her. I just sit down. "I wasn't kidding, you know," are my first words. "Unless you can come up with a damn good reason for trying to kill yourself again, I can't do this."
"I don't know," she says quietly.
I laugh bitterly. "Of course not. I can't do this anymore, James, I really can't. I'll always care about you, and I'll always love you like a sister, but I really can't deal with being friends with you anymore. I can't put myself through this much pain, not this many times. I'll always be your friend, James, but I can't stay in contact with you anymore. I can't do this to myself. I'm so, so sorry," I say.
She looks shocked. "I…"
"I'm sorry, James," I say. "If you're ever in Seattle, look me up, but other that that, please don't contact me. Not for awhile, at least. Just give me some time to heal, okay?" I ask, and get up. I kiss her on the head, and leave. I feel horrible, but behind that heavy feeling of guilt, is just the tiniest twinge of relief, and I know that for me, right now, it's the right thing.
0ooo0
When I get back, it seems like Alex has forgotten about kissing me. That is until he does it again. And again. We go out for drinks, and dinner, and eat lunch together, but it's more of a platonic thing with kissing, so I'm not really sure what we are now. So I ask him. "What are we?"
"You need support, I'm giving it to you."
"Okay," I say, perfectly content with that answer. Maybe one day, I'll call Jamie again, and maybe she'll be doing great and we can be friends again. But until that day, I apparently have Alex to help repair the hole that she's torn in my soul.
i just want you to know, phoebes, that i'm addison at the beginning. the rest is for the story, so it wasn't just a rant. i'm addison at the beginning, and i'm about ready to give an ultimatum. so don't make me.
reviews?
-Juli