Yo! articmadador here with a new story! This is my attempt at humor, so just know I'm tryong. I'm funnier in person. Anyway, I DO NOT OWN TRANSFORMERS! Hasbro does. I only own whatever plot material and characters you don't recognize. Please review and enjoy!
1. For Primus sake, please stop leaping over the NEST pools. Or rather, please stop failing to do so.
Claire: We have pools!?
Sideswipe: Temporary pools. They were installed last week.
Ratchet: Sideswipe, if you come in my medbay one more time with busted plating, I'm going to rip it off!
Illusion: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Sideswipe: [Pouting] That's not funny, Illusion. It hurts!
Rhythm: Then maybe you should stop jumping over it in your bipedal mode. Might not split nuthin' then.
2. If Illusion is in the room, don't brag about your kills. Don't even try to stand in the corner and whisper, because she can hear you.
Rhythm: Jazz was braggin' bout how many Cons he took out while he was chillin' with some bots in tha rec room. It was tickin' Illusion off, since she already ain't fond of killin'. He turned to her and asked how many Cons she took down and—
Jazz: She threw up and optic in muh energon 'n trotted away.
3. Please inform Prowl if you play any instruments. We don't want him glitching when he walks in the room set to complain about the music, only to find a bot playing.
Claire: Okay, I think this is really cool. Ratchet can play an electric guitar, Sideswipe can play drums, Jazz can play quite a few instruments, and Mirage can play piano! They have this room with all these giant instruments, but when it got constructed Prowl was away in a long mission. When he came back he walked in on Ratchet playing a guitar solo and glitched.
Rhythm: It gets worse. Every time he sees a new bot playing an instrument, he glitches. So please, let 'em know.
4. Illusion, no calling Galloway names.
Illusion: But Rajey! I got some good ones! Like bald pig spit, or rabid fox dung.
Sideswipe: My favorite is booty-necked bullfrog testicle. Oh, and I like-
Mirage: Don't you dare start repeating them!
5. This goes for everyone afraid of insects. Yes, they are going to appear somewhere in the base on more than one occasion. Please stop losing your minds or processors when you see one.
Claire: Dear God, this giant cockroach got in the meeting room one day. Everyone was already freaking out because it was so big. Ratchet was going to kill it with a wrench, but before he could finish calculating the distance, it started to fly. Let me make sure you understand this. The. Giant. Cockroach. Started. To. Fly!
Illusion: Bruh, I was so scared I literally screamed and jumped in Optimus' lap.
Claire: I don't think it would've been so bad if just about everyone hadn't tried to run out of the room at the same time. They're still fixing the doorway and the hallway outside the room.
Illusion: I also got in trouble for nearly crushing our Prime.
6. If someone says something, do not change the sentence in to random phrases that have nothing to do with the original statement.
Jolt: This is worded in a confusing manner. Let me demonstrate when this means.
[Stands up and speaks to no one in particular.]
Jolt: You have to do jumping jacks.
Illusion: Apple Jacks!?
Rhythm: Scooby snacks!?
Sideswipe: Cadillacs!?
Skids: Who got cataracts!?
Jazz: Ya saw some rats!?
Rhythm: Ya broke yer back!?
Illusion: Yer favorite color is black!?
Sideswipe: Who got fat!?
Ratchet: Get out! All of you!
7. No making humans laugh so hard that whatever they're drinking comes out of their noses.
Jazz: [Laughing] Guilty as charged.
8. Predabots, it is understandable when you are excited to see one of your comrades, but that is no excuse to launch yourself into them.
Prowl: [Sitting on a medical berth while Ratchet repairs his crushed shoulder.] Rhythm, I understand you where excited to see me, but you did not have to launch yourself at my faceplates. I was coming to greet you.
Rhythm: [Whines from the corner of the medbay where she has multiple wrench shaped dents.]
9. If we must play human games like Hide-and-Seek or Cops and Robbers, please take it seriously and remember what you are supposed to do in the game.
Sideswipe: Yeah, Mirage. Picking up a Cybertronian sized couch cushion and holding it in front of your faceplates is not taking the game seriously.
Mirage: I would take it seriously if I was allowed to use my cloaking.
Sideswipe: That would be cheating.
Jolt: I don't know what you're complaining about, Sideswipe. Every time we play Cops and Robbers and you're the cop, you run like someone is after you.
Sideswipe: I get excited, okay?
Mirage: Why do we play these games, anyway?
Jolt: They relieve stress.
10. Yes, you are allowed to point to a bot when their name or alternate mode is said in a song. Just don't overdo it.
Mirage: You see that, Illusion? No more yelling Ferrari as loud as you can and slapping me so hard I fall over when you hear the name of my alternate mode in a song.
Illusion: [Laughing] Aight, 'Rajey, I won't do it.
11. No more "Think fast!"
Claire: Jazz was the first one to do this, then both pairs of twins started doing it. They run up to a bot with some random object and throw it at them yelling: "Think fast!".
Jolt: It doesn't go well. Illusion always gets hit in the faceplates, then chases the bot around base. Rhythm catches and eats whatever is thrown, then has to get her tank pumped. Prowl always glitches, and Ironhide shoots them. Once Sideswipe threw something at Barricade. He caught it and threw it back. Hard. The mech still has a deep dent.
Sideswipe: [Pouting] Everyone thinks it's funny!
12. No, Sunstreaker is not the "Banana King". Or banana pudding. Or cheese. Or anything else yellow.
Sunstreaker: And stop singing that song to me about putting a banana in my ear, you glitch heads!
Sideswipe: Ooh, I love Charlie the Unicorn!
Sunstreaker: Here, love my fist!
[A wrench flies in and knocks him out before he can swing.]
13. No more of the following annoying songs: Cotton Eye Joe, Little Einsteins Remix, and any song associated with Spongebob Squarepants unless the show is on.
Ironhide: I will blast you of you play any of those songs again, Jazz. I fraggin' mean it!
Jazz: Someone needs to here the friend song!
Ironhide: [Whips out cannons.]
Jazz: [Runs from the room.]
14. Predabots, no confusing bots by using quotes from music and applying it to bots.
Illusion: I told Mirage real Gs move in silence like lasagna. It's from a Lil Wayne song.
Rhythm: Prowl was sitting in the room when she said it and glitched. Then his helm got stuck in his cube of energon, so I ate it to get him free. Ratchet still doesn't know.
Ratchet: [Growling] I do, now.
Rhythm: Oops.
15. Quote comedians like Dane Cook and Brian Regan often.
Jolt: Ironhide got injured during training, and Bumblebee was standing next to him looking scared. Then he said, and I quote: "What we do!? Get some leaves!"
Sideswipe: How about Rhythm quoting Dane Cook on having kids?
Jolt: Yeah, her sparklings Optimus Prime, Megatron, and hhhhhhuuuuuuuullllllllllggggggggggg!
Jazz: [Pokes head in the door] Who's quoting Dane Cook!? I heard a hhhhhhuuuuuullllllllllggggggggg! Don't give them a cookie!
16. No bayverse Transformers movies. They're too painful to watch. Besides, Illusion eats every copy she can find. Don't try to ship them in while she isn't there, because then Rhythm will eat them.
Miles: I paid too much money to have those movies sent in for them to eat them as soon as they arrived. They ate everything…case and all.
17. No firing weapons at Galloway behind his back, even if they are not loaded.
Epps: [Shrugs] What can I say? I hate the guy, but I was just doing it for fun.
18. No being extra. That means no acting like someone threw you across a room when they barely nudged you, Sideswipe and Illusion!
Sideswipe: Hey! Arcee nudges harder than you think!
Elita: Good thing she was in a good mood that day, or you would've found out that her punches are even harder.
19. Illusion, no licking bots in the mouth.
Mirage: She's been doing it for a while now. She got me, both pairs of twins, Ratchet, Jolt, Jazz, though he kind of lets her do it, Elita, Chromia, and even Ironhide.
Illusion: None of them complained enough for ya ta put this rule up!
Mirage: You might have gotten away with it if you hadn't done it to Optimus.
Illusion: Ah was tryna get him to relieve some stress.
Mirage: By licking his glossa?
Illusion: Hey, it might've helped.
Mirage: I doubt it.
20. Predabots, no climbing trees! Or anything else for that matter!
Rhythm: Ah was just trying ta climb Bumblebee! He should've stood straight instead off fallin' over!
Prowl: You are more than twice Bumblebee's weight. It is unlikely that—
Rhythm: Ya calling me fat!?
21. No ehf wkrhvbeirjf rf dancing rofv on rhtd sssmf the keyboard rfi wirnvrjvr seivfhtml while eofmrfh an Autobotakdrn isf trying ddeekdnrvto typex. This goescvfr for allfcvc humans!
Ratchet: [Snatches a human off the keyboard and flings him onto the catwalk beside him.] Now go away!
22. Please stop destroying the toasters in the rec room.
Claire: The toasters scare everybody, especially the bots for some reason. They usually react by attacking it. The Predabots eat them, while most of the other Autobots just shoot them or stomp on them.
Lennox: [Walks in the room with two slices of bread.] God dammit! Who destroyed the toaster this time!?
Claire: [Laughs to herself and whispers] It was Ratchet.
23. Illusion doesn't like wax. She uses her own oral lubricant to wax her armor, as gross as it is.
Illusion: It feels awful on me, and I don't like tha smell or taste of freshly applied wax! Rhythm eats it out of the can, but I can't stand it. My oral lubricant works just fine! Sunstreaker even lets me lick him so his armor will shine.
Sunstreaker: Only when I'm low on supplies. It seems like that only happens when you or Rhythm come into our room. [Eyes Illusion suspiciously.]
Illusion: [Laughs nervously]
Sunstreaker: [Rolls his optics.] Get back to licking, and don't scratch my paint!
Illusion: Aye, aye, Cap'n Sunshine!
24. Illusion, stop eating Galloway's car.
Claire: Whenever Galloway comes for a meeting and has to stay overnight, he has a car sent to him that he can ride around in. Illusion enjoys eating them. She's eating it right now, and the man is still in the car.
Mirage: [Pulls Illusion back as hard as he can while she devours the top of the car.] Let go, Illusion! Stop it! Ratchet will pump your tanks again!
Sideswipe and Sunstreaker: [Laughing at the scene before them while drinking high grade energon.]
25. Rhythm, you are not a ballerina.
Rhythm: Y'all just mad cuz y'all can't dance like me!
[Rhythm starts ungracefully twirling and leaping, then crashes into a wall and tears it down.]
Ratchet: Rhythm, if you were dancing again and knocked another wall down, I'm welding you to the floor!
26. Mirage, don't try to command Illusion by saying you're her master and she must do what you say.
Mirage: I tried it once and she picked me up and dragged me around the base while running at a full gallop. All the paint on my back was gone, not to mention my doorwings were damaged. Then she sat on me for two hours and chewed on my legs.
Illusion: And ya cried like a lil bitch till ah got up.
27. If Galloway throws a tantrum, just let him rant and ignore him.
Lennox: It's actually quite funny to watch.
Epps: It was especially funny that time he came at Ironhide, and the bot yelled: "Don't come near me, you freak!"
Lennox: The best part was when Galloway flailed his arms at Ironhide then ran the other way.
28. Bumblebee, no playing screaming through your radio when you are being dragged to the brig or medbay.
Bumblebee: [Crosses his arms and whirrs.]
Rhythm: [Wraps a wing around him.] At least ya made everybody laugh.
29. Going stiff when Ratchet finds you hiding from him does not work.
Jazz: Ah tried it, and he hit me with a wrench so hard ah was goin' into stasis. Ah was blackin' out, and he started draggin' me away and said : "Nice hiding place. Right in plain sight. My eyesight isn't based on movement, you idiot."
30. Quote Adult Swim shows often.
Sideswipe: Illusion is always quoting Squidbillies. I prefer Robot Chicken.
Illusion: [Sniffs a recharging Jolt.] 'Nother soda, Granny!?
Rhythm: [Flings a soda at his helm, and he jumps up and falls onto his faceplates.]
31. Worms creep most of the bots out. Only Illusion, Jazz, Ratchet, and Ironhide can stand them.
Rhythm: Ah will never forget seein' Optimus Prime haulin' aft when Claire tried to show him a worm.
32. No pranking the Predabots. They lick off any paint, eat any stickers, confetti, and anything else you dump on them. Then they try to eat whoever pranked them. They will torture you!
Sunstreaker: Sides and I learned the hard way. The only good thing that came out of it was that I found out Illusion's oral lubricant is a natural wax.
Sideswipe: I will never forget how loud you shrieked when Illusion licked your faceplates, Sunny.
Sunstreaker: Shut up. And don't call me Sunny!
33. Don't make fun of Ratchet because he is one of the older Autobots, is cranky, throws things, or because of his color scheme. At least don't do so if you're being nasty and not joking. Illusion will attack you, and he will allow it.
Sideswipe: Galloway nearly died multiple times doing this. Plus Illusion made one new recruit piss their pants and sign up for a transfer. A lot of the other recruits are still afraid of her. She practically destroyed the training room just because that recruit said Ratchet looked like a giant booger. They had the training session of a lifetime, mostly because their lives could've ended.
Ironhide: I was very proud.
Sideswipe: Of the recruits?
Ironhide: No, of Illusion. She has some good techniques. The kid's got potential.
Sideswipe: She almost ate someone...
34. No yelling timber when Prowl glitches or falls over.
Illusion: Aw, but it's funny!
Ratchet: Just catch him! Everyone at base is starting to yell it and let the poor mech fall.
[Somewhere down the hall, multiple voices can be heard yelling timber, and there is a loud clang]
Ratchet: Great, now the humans are doing it. Go get him and bring him here, Illusion.
Illusion: M'kay! [Runs off]
35. Rhythm and Illusion are Predabots, not Predacons.
Rhythm: And don't forget it, heifas!
36. Brains and Wheelie are not allowed on NEST planes unless they are coming on a mission. The pilots are afraid of you.
Brains: Not our faults they punks!
Wheelie: Yeah, they need ta mech up!
37. Wheeljack, stop trying to invent armor suits for the humans.
Epps: He was trying to convince me to put one on, and he hit something. It exploded in his servo. Then Illusion and Rhythm ate the pieces. I mean they were fighting over it like they hadn't eaten for days.
38. Jazz, stop blasting your fragging music so early in the morning.
Ratchet: Just because you don't have the sense to recharge at night doesn't mean we don't either.
Rhythm: Yeah, so shut up.
Ratchet: And don't you start. I catch you dancing with him every time.
39. Mirage, just because you don't want to meet someone doesn't mean you can go invisible and hide. And stop temping Illusion to camouflage herself so no one gets suspicious of your absence.
Mirage: Then should I just leave the base?
Ratchet: Watch it, mech.
40. Twins, enough with the paint bombs.
Sideswipe: Hey, those things are funny!
Sunstreaker: Yeah, they never get old. The bigger the bomb, the better. Just wait till you see the one we just fixed up!
Illusion: Ya think they'd learn from messin' with us tha first time, eh?
Rhythm: Right.
41. Skids, Mudflap, stop wrestling in the middle of the night. Also, stop wrestling during meetings. And don't wrestle during—you know what, just tone down the wrestling.
Rhythm: Except when ya wrestle wit Illusion and me. Now that's good fun.
42. Claire, you do not need to take constant pictures of the bots. The government is going to confiscate your phone if you keep doing so.
Claire: I'm making a scrapbook! You guys just don't like pictures!
43. If you are excited about something, please don't react in a way that may be hazardous to your health, or the health of others.
Claire: This might be up because of me. Jolt was telling me about some new additions we were getting to the pools, and I got so excited that I shoved a whole slice of chocolate cake in my mouth. I started choking on it, and it took eight minutes for me to stop choking up crumbs. Jolt was freaking out, but some of my soldier friends found it funny. I almost died!
44. Please avoid loud, obnoxious laughter at poor humor.
Ratchet: This is directed towards you, Illusion. Galloway's jokes were terrible, and you were encouraging him.
Illusion: But he was in a good mood! Besides, I think that made his day.
Sideswipe: But he's an ass.
Illusion: Even asses have their days.
45. Predabots, no carrying humans around in your mouth.
Epps: It's gross and scary. This big Decepticon got the drop on me in our last battle, and Rhythm swooped in and snatched me up at the last minute, and carried me away in her mouth. When she spit me out, I was covered in purple spit. Then Illusion had to pick me up and carry me to the plane when minicons attacked us. I had to suffer a sticky ride back to base, smelling like dirt, sweat, and motor oil. Never before have I scrubbed myself so hard in the shower.
Illusion: Too bad, though. Humans taste like salty candy.
Rhythm: Tha hell is a salty candy? You know what, don't even explain. Just don't say nuthin.
46. Predabots, stop licking Optimus' pedes.
Jolt: They come up to him at random times of the day and do this for no reason.
Illusion: It's a respect thing. I mean, he's a hard workin' Prime. Hard workin' humans like foot massages. Maybe he'd like a pede massage.
Jolt: I don't know how much massaging you can do with your—[Is cut off when Illusion licks him.] Eww, you got my glossa! Why do you do that!? Why must you be like this!?
Rhythm: Cuz she's crazy.
Mirage: Illusion, you were told to stop doing th—
Illusion: [Licks him then runs away.]
Mirage: [Laying on the floor with oral lubricant on his face.] Why is she like this?
Jolt: That's what I want to know.
47. Sunstreaker, when you run out of canvases and we can't get a new shipment in for a while, that is no excuse to use the walls or other bots.
Prowl: He painted all the walls in the west wing of the building. He wouldn't stop, not even when we put him in the brig. He painted the brig walls as well.
Rhythm: [Comes bouncing in painted like a starry night.] Look Prowl, I'm the sky! Sunstreaker painted me! Oh, he as wants to know what ya think of yer office once ya get a look at it. He worked real hard on it and it looks nice! Does this planet make my neck look fat?
Prowl: [Glitches and falls over.]
Ironhide: [Standing in the corner laughing.] Timber!
Ratchet: Damn it, Ironhide!
48. Chromia, we understand that the flamethrower Ironhide constructed for you is your pride and joy, but please stop using it indoors.
Chromia: I only melted one wall.
Rhythm: And four catwalks, two military trucks, and a drone.
49. Predabots, no stealing Ratchet's tools and eating them. Also, don't break into the medbay at night and eat the equipment. And stop smuggling them tools and equipment to eat, Skids and Mudflap!
Skids: Predabots gotta eat too.
Mudflap: Yeah, 'n they give us rides fer it, too!
50. No making Slip and Slides indoors. This goes for both humans and Autobots.
Sideswipe: Optimus, Lennox, and most of the older bots were gone on a mission, leaving us at base. Everyone was bored, so Sunny and I poured as many bottles of wax on the floor of the main room as we could find. We were laughing at the bots and humans that kept coming in and falling.
Sunstreaker: Then Claire said it was like a Slip and Slide, and explained to us how that worked.
Sideswipe: Thirty minutes later, everyone was sliding around, crashing into things and each other.
Sunstreaker: It was fun until the other bots came back, and Bumblebee and Jazz slid right into Ratchet. Then they knocked Optimus over.
Sideswipe: All Ratchet had to do was growl and everyone tried to clear the room, but one could get up because of the wax. You can imagine how terrified we were to be stuck with a raging Ratchet in a situation like that.
Sunstreaker: Come on, Sides. It's our shift to clean the floor.
Sideswipe: Slag. More hopeless scrubbing of wax.
Bonus!: Illusion, stop using acid on walls when you are too lazy to go to the door.
Illusion: Hey, that acid builds up! Ah got get rid of it somehow!
Wheeljack: [Looks up from where he is sitting in the corner, then whips out a datapad and starts making plans.]
I hope that made you laugh, cuz I laughed a little while coming up with ideas and writing them. Anyway, have a good'n!