Chapter One

He wasn't the one I had eyes for when I first came to work at SRU.

I was young and nervous on my first day. That first day, when I met the team, I was struck by how nice they were. For some reason I'd expected them to be tough and rude, self-righteous prigs who felt that I was just there to serve them because they were such incredible people, always saving lives and winning awards and making a difference. But they'd been kind, all of them, so kind, and they'd put me at ease right away.

I'd heard that Ed Lane and Greg Parker were intimidating men, but I only found them to be nice. Ed likes to tease and josh around, and Greg is just pure teddy bear kindness, at least when he's not in negotiator mode. It wasn't until later in my first week that I heard how scary they both could sound over my headset. Made me glad I'd never be the one they were trying to talk down.

Sam Braddock looks like he stepped straight out of a Gap catalogue, and suddenly I understood the warnings I'd been given about all the fan mail he receives from past victims. It wasn't until I met his closet girlfriend, Jules Callaghan, that I realized why my supervisor had been so emphatic about my promptly disposing of all said fan mail. The woman is nice—really, really nice—and beautiful and funny and loving, but I can see how frightening it would be if she was jealous.

Kevin Wordsworth, or Wordy as he's called, is the definition of kind. I looked into his eyes that first day and instantly felt cared for. I love listening to him talk about his wife and daughters, whom he obviously loved desperately.

Lewis Young had a kind, slow smile that filled his eyes with a gentle light. He greeted me with a "Hello, Winnie Camden," and a gentle handshake like he'd crush my fingers if he pressed too hard. We got close over the next months as I hung out a lot with him and his sister Marie, who's about my age. I cried my eyes out the day Lew died.

And then there was Spike Scarlatti. Greg introduced him as "Michelangelo", and I had to bite the inside of my lip to keep from snickering. He caught it all the same and went around calling me "Winifred" for the rest of the day. I noted his dimple when he smiled upon meeting me, and thought it was strange that he didn't have a twin on the other cheek. The rest of the team quickly identified him as the prankster of the group, and I made up my mind to watch out for him. Hadn't really done me much good, though—he'd put jalapeno seeds in my coffee the following week, and I'd had to help coordinate EMS and unis to assist at Team Three's bomb call while chugging down half a gallon of milk, randomly gasping for air as I wiped away tears.

With all that, I guess it'd be natural to assume that I had my eye on Spike at first, or even Lew, but it was actually Joseph from Team Two that I watched for awhile. We went out once, but he turned out to be kind of a jerk when I refused to kiss him goodnight. He quit two weeks later and ran off to Jamaica in search of "someone easy", to quote the man. I choked down my disgust and decided Joseph wasn't the man for me.

Leah Kerns arrived on the scene a year into the job, after Lew's death, and we instantly hit it off. We hung out all the time, my first real friend since moving to the city, and we kept in touch after Leah headed back to Haiti to help her family out. I even made it down there for two weeks in the summer, to visit Leah and help out. It was a good time, and our friendship is still as strong as ever when Leah comes back.

The job's hard, much harder than my two years as a 911 dispatcher. I'm taking classes to get my master's so they'll keep me on after my contract expires, and some days there's not enough time to think, much less build relationships with the team. I'm thankful for Lew, and then for Leah, both of whom push their way into my usually private life and assert themselves as my friends. If not for them, I'd just be talking to my turtle, Jonah…but I may do that anyway.

It's lonely after Leah heads over to Haiti. My family all live at least a couple hours away, and I've never been very good at making friends. I'm at home after work one day, contemplating adopting a dog so I'll have someone who'll be happy to see me, when I get a text from Lew's sister asking if I'm busy that night, and do I want to have dinner with her parents?

I can't reply fast enough. Of course I want to have dinner—do I need to bring anything?

Marie suggests a bottle of wine or some sort of dessert and I grab both at Spencer's on my way to the house. I bike there, pedaling like mad so I'm not late and desperately trying to keep my backpack from jostling so the brownies I picked up aren't too mangled. By the time I pull up I'm ten minutes late, my hair's a wreck, and I have more than a slight suspicion that the wine bottle may have cracked.

"It's about time!" Marie teases, standing on the porch and giving me a menacing glare. "I was about to come looking for you."

"I'm so sorry," I say, storing my bike on the side of the porch. "I forgot how far it was." I glance at the driveway. "Did you get a new car?"

"Nah, Spike's here," Marie replies, giving me a wink as she takes the wine and brownies, neither too much worse for the wear, and leads me inside.

Spike's here… Is that supposed to mean something? I feel like it must, given Marie's sudden onset of "winking syndrome", but can't figure out what it is for the life of me.

"You two would be so cute together," Marie says, leading the way toward the kitchen after we've deposited my jacket in the hallway. "I think Mom invited him over so she could set you two up."

"What?!" I hiss. I groan. "Marie."

"Winnie," Marie mimicks. "Take a chill pill, girlfriend—just have fun, don't worry about my mother's matchmaking schemes. Lord knows she's never seen much success."

I take a moment to try and flatten my hair before we walk into the kitchen. Really, you'd think I wasn't a functioning member of society with the way I'm looking now—my curls seem to have taken on a life of their own and left me looking like a deranged maniac. Mrs. Young can scratch those matchmaking plans. Spike certainly isn't the man who wants to date a deranged maniac.

It's just…he looks nice tonight, really nice. Instead of his typical t-shirt he's wearing a button down and white must be his color. But last week he wore blue to go out to drinks with the rest of Team One, so…maybe all colors are his color. Now that I take the time to notice, he's actually a very attractive guy. I find the dimple a bit of a toss-up in my mind. Sure, it's really attractive and all, but at the same time I'm all about the symmetry and it's just…it's a bit irritating that there's no twin.

I find myself self seated in between Spike and Mrs. Young, and I snicker every time Mrs. Young calls him Michelangelo because it makes him sound so old and dignified, while in reality he's a bit of a dork. I chat with Mrs. Young about home décor and refurnishing couches, get in a fight with Spike about whether or not caffeine is actually effective because, really, I've never seen any benefits.

Mrs. Young's made lasagna, and she tells Spike not to compare it to his mother's cooking while dishing out a portion for me. "Here, Winnie, I made part of it without cheese."

I give her a grateful smile. "Thank you so much, Mrs. Young; that's so thoughtful of you."

Spike blinks and gives me an incredulous look. "Are you allergic?"

I shake my head. "No, I just don't like cheese."

"Are you kidding me? Winnie, that's un-American."

I shrug. "My great-grandparents were from Africa."

He snorts and shakes his head despairingly. "You don't like cheese…"

"Hey, Win," Marie interjects, "you remember what Lew did when he found out you didn't like cheese?" She turns to Spike to answer his questioning look. "He thought Winnie was crazy too, so for the next few months, whenever she'd come over for dinner, he'd tell Mom how much she loved cheese so the meal would be sure to have tons of it."

I laugh and nod in agreement. "I was so discouraged," I agree, almost choking on my water as I take a sip and try not to snicker. "I had to make excuses for not eating the food every time I came over, and then I'd go home and eat a bowl of cereal and just cry."

Mrs. Young is doubled over laughing, and when she finally pulls herself together she shrugs. "I had absolutely no idea what was wrong. I kept making all this cheesy food expecting Winnie would love it, and then she never ate any of it!"

Spike laughs. "How did you finally find out the truth?"

"Lew finally confessed," Marie informs. "Mom was so mad—the next time Winnie came over she apologized again and again, all the while blaming Lew."

We're quiet for a moment, thinking of the young man now gone, and then we're talking about him, bringing up all the funny memories and the touching moments and just remembering him. It's almost eleven by the time we run out of things to say.

"I'd better get going," I say, standing from the table and piling my silverware on my plate. "Early morning tomorrow. Thank you so much for dinner, Mrs. Young, it was delicious."

"You want a brownie for the road, Winnie?" Mr. Young asks, scooping one out of the pan and onto a napkin for me.

"Absolutely," I agree, taking the greasy, chocolate goodness out of his hands. I give Marie a hug. "We need to hang out more, okay?" I turn to Spike, who's stood to see me off, and give him an awkward wave. "I'll see you tomorrow, Spike."

"Have a good night, Winnie," he says. "You sure you don't need a ride?"

"Nah, I biked. I'll see you later."

The next day I'm late to work and don't even know how it happened. I stayed up late, just thinking, and that was probably one of the factors in my sleeping through my alarm. It's just…Mrs. Young is trying to set me up with Spike, and it's gotten me thinking. I feel like such a cliché to be thinking about him in that way just because someone else suggested it, but as I think about him I come up with all these good qualities—his kindness, his great sense of humor, his willingness to listen to people—and that dimple really isn't so bad, and boy does he have a great smile. It's just…he's a great guy, and I haven't been on a date in two years, and…

I shut myself down as soon as I get to work, remind myself of the consequences Jules and Sam may be facing for their affiliation. Besides, I've seen what it's like when the workplace and love mix—Sam and Jules are the exception to my rule. I concentrate on erasing all those kinds of thoughts about Spike out of my mind.

It's been four months since the dinner incident and I've convinced myself that there aren't actually any feelings there for Spike. Sure, I've been getting to know him a lot better as I hang out with him and Marie, sure he seems to have taken a liking to stopping by my desk and trying out his lamest jokes on me, just talking about nothing, sure…but none of it means anything. He's just a good friend.

I'm great at denying my feelings. I don't date cops—work and home don't mix, my father always said, and I experienced firsthand how a family can be ripped apart when that line is breached, my father breaking his own rule. I'm not planning on going through that whole thing again.

Leah's back, and things have been so much better since she came home. After almost a year of being really lonely, I actually have a few friends. Marie and I kind of fell apart after Lew's death, but we've been really working on our friendship in the last few months and are close again. I like hanging out with Spike, like talking to him while I'm running sometimes, like seeing who can play the best prank on a member of the team.

One of Leah's first questions after I pick her up from the airport is "Are you seeing anyone?"

No, no I'm not and I haven't been and you want to go out to dinner, catch up, spend some time together without hashing all that stuff out already?

The job's better with Leah back. She's a calming influence on the team—always cool and collected, but she'll give a hug to just about anyone on the team if they need it, and she's always open to talking. She teases Spike about his failed pranks against her, and has contests against Sam to see who can beat the other in hand-to-hand combat. She shoves her way back into my life, calling me at all hours, dragging me down to the corner diner after work to eat dinner with her before we go our separate ways. She's the only one who's brave enough at first to get to know Marina, Greg's fiancée, but after she paves the way the rest of us are quick to follow and welcome her in. Leah's good for all of us. It's better with her.

I like Marina. She's beautiful and kind, and she loves to bring sweet things for the team to share. Usually she brings cupcakes, each one a different flavor, and I have to fight Spike off to keep him from taking a bite out of each one to see which one's best. He compensates by scooping some icing off his cupcake and smearing it across my nose.

I've never felt like a member of Team One, even if I'm their primary dispatcher. They all have each other and seem really close, but they've never invited me in.

They're finally inviting me in and it's just…it's nice. Really nice.

"Hey, Winnie, you want to come out with us for a drink?" Jules asks after work, all dressed up in a denim skirt and a bright red tank top, a heavily beaded necklace clattering around her neck and matching the jingle of her earrings. "We're just going to the Goose for a couple rounds."

God, this is awkward. How do you admit that you don't drink without actually saying it like that? It's embarrassing to admit to your co-workers. Finally I shrug and just say it. "Thanks, Jules, but I actually don't drink."

The other woman blinks and pauses for a moment before she replies. "Wait, are you pregnant?!" She give my midsection a pointed look.

"What?! No, I'm not pregnant. I just…" I sigh. Leah already knows, why not Jules? Besides, I can't really lie my way out of this one. "My dad was an alcoholic and…he messed up my family."

Jules' eyes soften. "I'm sorry, Win, I didn't mean to go off on you like that." She shrugs and glances towards the guys' locker room, from which they're all emerging with lots of loud laughter and shouting. "You could come anyway, just have some water? It'll be fun."

I want to, I really want to, but I've got this paper due tomorrow and a test on Wednesday… "Sure, why not. I can't stay long, though." They've never invited me before…and I don't want to say no.

"Okay," Jules agrees. "Hurry up and get changed; we'll wait for you."

I shake my head. "Nah, you all go ahead, I'll catch up. I just have to stick a couple more reports back in the file room."

Jules shrugs. "Okay, if you say so." She turns to greet the crowd of men coming towards my desk. "Winnie's going to meet us there," she informs them.

"Great!" Ed exclaims. He gives Spike this weird look that I'm not sure about—they're probably going to prank me. That's just great.

I head to the locker room to change and, seriously, are the clothes I bring to change into after work really this non-cute? I finally give up, throw on a pair of jeans and a black blouse, happen to find some silver dangly earrings at the bottom of my purse and fight to put them in. It's a la natural tonight—no makeup, hair still in a ponytail. I shrug at my reflection. There really isn't anything else to be done.

I'm surprised to see Spike standing outside the Goose when I bike up. He gives me that great smile and, really, is it normal for your insides to squish together when a coworker grins at you like that? "Hey, Winnie." He gestures to my ride. "I didn't know you biked to work."

I shrug as I lock my bike in at the post. "It's either that or the bus. I like biking because it's more my own schedule." Which means that a trip to the grocery store has to be spread out over two or three days just so I can carry everything home. I don't mention that part.

He holds the door for me as we go in, such a gentleman, and directs me to the table where the rest of the team is sitting. They're all crammed into one booth, and Leah shouts when she sees me, rushing over to give me a big hug like we haven't seen each other in weeks.

I chuckle and pat my friend on the back as we sit down. "Easy, girl, it's only been an hour since you saw me."

Leah rolls her eyes and shoves Jules over so Spike can take a seat next to me. Ed and Sam call their greetings from across the table; Greg never comes, says it's too much of a temptation to drink again. They understand.

"You want a drink, Win?" Spike asks, having to yell in my ear to be heard and making me shrink against Leah in fright.

And it shouldn't mean anything, doesn't mean anything, really, but since when has he started calling me Win? It's always Winnie, Winifred, "dispatcher"…never Win. It's just…it's not a bad change.

"Just some water," I reply softly, grateful that Jules has apparently kept my secret quiet.

Spike nods, not fazed; maybe he noticed that I didn't drink the beer at the Young's house, just one glass of wine—that's the only alcohol I ever drink. He hops up to get my drink for me, and I can't help but admire those muscular shoulders through his t-shirt.

"Not bad, huh?" Leah whispers in my ear, scaring me half to death and almost making me fall out of the booth.

I glare at her. "Not you too."

"What?"

I lower my voice even more to make sure no one hears me. "Well, you know Spike's friend, Lew, the one who died?"

Leah nods. "Yeah, he's why I joined the team, to replace him."

"Well, I was pretty close to Lew too—I hung out with him and his family a lot. So a couple months ago they invited me over for dinner and Spike was there and…Lew's sister told me that her mom was trying to set us up. And it brought up all these thoughts, and these feelings, and…I just need to get past that."

Leah looks at me like I'm one wheel short of a bicycle. "Winnie, he's a great guy. Why not just give him a chance?"

I shake my head and sigh. "I would, it's just…my dad always said 'Work and love don't mix, don't ever mix them, it ends badly.' And then he broke his own rule…and he left my mom, and started drinking even more… I just don't ever want to go through that again."

"Okay," Leah says softly, seeming to realize she's pushed a bit too hard. "Don't worry, I won't say anything else about it."

But now that's all I'm going to think about for the rest of the night—that Spike's a great guy, and my dad was a different sort of guy, and maybe…

I get up just as Spike's coming back with my glass of water. "I'm actually going to head out," I say softly, trying to keep from announcing it to the whole table.

He gets this weird look on his face, like he's trying to profile me or figure out what's wrong. "What, why?"

I shrug and shove my hands in my back pockets, trying to figure out a good excuse. "I just…I have this paper due tomorrow, and I need to try and finish it up tonight…"

"Winnie, are you leaving?" Jules interrupts, effectively drawing all eyes to me.

"Yeah, I am," I sputter out, fighting to get my jacket back on and shooting Leah a glare when she grabs the sleeve and tries to keep me from getting it on. "Leah, stop being such a child," I mutter. I direct my focus back to the rest of the table. "You all have a great day off tomorrow." I try not to grimace at the thought of another three days until my weekend. "I'll see you later." I rush out, ignoring everyone yelling at me to come back, knowing I just made this big scene but I am so past even caring because no, I don't want a drink and no, I don't have feelings for Spike and no, I don't like always being alone.

I ring Leah as I'm biking down my street because it's not a great area of town, and if I got kidnapped or mugged I'd definitely want to be talking to a cop at the time so someone would know what was wrong.

"Girl, what is wrong with you?" Leah says first thing, making me grimace and almost swing into the path of an oncoming car. "Just racing off like that—I was embarrassed for you."

I groan, catching myself before I cover my face with my hands and crash. "I know, Leah, I know, it was just a bad night, bad day…" I glance across the street at the house where I know a couple gang members reside, hope they don't chase me down and shoot me up. "You're just the one I call when I'm biking down my creepy road."

The line's quiet for a moment. "Okay, fine, I'll let it go." She breathes into the phone. "I almost sent Spike after you, had him give you a ride home, but I figured that was the last thing you needed right then and you won't even let me see where you live."

I shrug as I pull up in front of the duplex, wave at three-year-old Ezra who's smiling at me from the other half of the house, bang my bike against the door as I fight to get it in the house before someone comes up behind me and kills me. I'm seriously such a wimp; I shouldn't even be living in this neighborhood if this is the way I handle the high crime levels.

"You okay in there?" Leah asks, laughing into the receiver as she hears me banging about.

I roll my eyes and let out a sigh of relief as I get inside and lock the door without being murdered. "I'm fine, just paranoid." I glance around at my humble abode, grimacing at the mess I left it in on my hurried way out the door this morning. "Listen, Leah, I'm not really up for talking right now, 'kay?"

"Okay," Leah replies softly. "Listen, Win, I'm sorry about all that, I know I made things harder for you than it had to be."

"Don't worry about it. Have a great day off tomorrow, okay?"

"Will do. Going to do some laundry, sleep all day…I might even come by and see you."

That makes the prospect of tomorrow about a bazillion times brighter. "You better. I'll see you later, 'kay?"

"Night, Win."

I do a blitz cleaning of the house, cram my dirty laundry in a bag to take to the Laundromat tomorrow night, and get started working on my paper. I'm done by one, feel very accomplished, and have once again convinced myself that, yeah, Spike's a fantastic guy, but he's not that great of a guy; besides, he doesn't see me in that way, so I don't have to worry about it.

Who ever said matters of the heart were confusing?