Title: Smoke and Mirrors
Series: Saiyuki
Pairing: 39 SanzoXGoku (Sanzo POV)
Rating: G: Comfort/Angst
It's the rain. Has to be. Why else would I be here, slinking like a shadow in my own room? More importantly, why would I want to? Normally if you told someone you heard voices they'd think you were crazy, but what do you do when you can hear voices, or more precisely, when you only hear one very fucking annoying one?
*Tsk!* This is why I hate sharing, at least Hakkai doesn't snore, doesn't wake me up with his insistent shouting all night long, even when he's asleep. Shit. There's something wrong about tonight, and it's not just the rain. He didn't even eat dinner. That's gotta be a first. And now he's tossing back and forth and mumbling in his sleep and I can hear the terror of whatever nightmare he's wrapped up in shouting in my skull, threatening to crack it if I can't get him to wake up or switch dreams, anything.
But that's another problem. I did that once, woke him up from a nightmare and about had my arm ripped off in the process. Let's just say he's not a morning person and leave it at that, ok? Another soft mewl from the pillows, his nails are digging in, bunching the sheets below him and I can hear he slight tearing as the material starts to shred under them.
Ok, that's it, I'm not paying for his bad dreams, "Goku." My voice is rough in my ears; I really didn't mean it to be that way, not when it's just the two of us.
"Goku." A bit softer now, there's no one here and I know he's running around in the dark in that messed up little brain of his. He hates the dark.
"Seriously, Goku, wake up, it's only a dream." I step a bit closer, making sure to keep an eye on his hands, they're stronger than they seem.
Another whimper, more screaming in my head, but there's not just fear lacing those cries anymore, I can almost feel him shaking in my mind, the terror at being left alone, the pain of not understanding what he did wrong, why no one loves him. Was he really a mistake?
Glancing from hands to face, I'm struck motionless, damn it all, the shiny thing that had caught my eye wasn't the diadem caught in his hair, but tears trickling out of scrunched eyes, his long chestnut hair draping around him as he unconsciously shakes his head back and forth, denying his own tortured mind that no one wants him, that there's no one who'll find him or save him from himself.
It's in his, our, minds before I see the faint movement of his lips and something deep inside of me smiles at the idea that he's arguing with himself over me. It almost makes me want to laugh, but I don't, not over this, never over this. It's too close to the truth you see. I almost didn't go to him. After so many years I really thought I was crazy, hearing some pipsqueak crying all tortured like in my head. If it hadn't been for Master... but that's neither here nor there.
Sighing heavily I give up and sit by him on the edge of the bed and he automatically curls up against my side, wrapping arms so tight it's hard to move, makes me wonder if he's more snake than monkey. But I do. This isn't the first time he's had nightmares and I'm sure it won't be the last, but running my fingers through his hair and murmuring his name over and over, that's new. Normally I'd just shake him awake or smack him upside the head. It worked, but he generally spent the next hour crying, so maybe this way will be quieter. I can only hope.
He's starting to quiet down now, I can hear the arguing diminishing; hopefully I can get back to sleep soon. But as I try and detangle myself from him I'm shocked to find he's no longer asleep. Two sleepy golden eyes blink up at me through the darkness and gloom and then he's dragging me down beside him, nuzzling up like a cat to my side, burrowing us deeper into the blankets and if it wasn't for the soft please wafting through my mind I'd have probably shot him by now.
Not that I would. I never could. So while the rain patters against the windows and the world goes all soggy and bleak he twists around me, turning me into a human pillow and I let him. Gently dragging my fingers through his hair I feel him slowly relax and suddenly the tensions dripping off my shoulders like the rain and my eyes start to get heavy, sleep seems like a great idea and I realize that was his voice, lips softly murmuring against my neck and I sigh contentedly, my brain already starting to power down.
One last thought comes to me but I toss it aside, I can afford to be generous tonight. It's raining after all.
Fin.