A/N: This is just something that randomly crashed into my random mind. Hope you like it!
Disclaimer: No matter how dim you are, you would never mistake me for JK Rowling.
"Moony, guess what?" Remus Lupin looked up from the book he had been reading, a mildly interested look on his face. It had been three years since they had graduated Hogwarts, but Sirius Black still showed absolutely zero signs of maturity. His best friends, James, Peter, Lily, and Remus, had long since stopped hoping.
"What is it, Sirius?" He said, inwardly groaning as Sirius knocked over a shelf of cups.
"It's very serious!" Sirius grinned, because that joke would never get old to him. "James and Lily asked me to be their wedding planner!"
Remus nearly spat out his tongue in shock. "They have WHAT?"
Sirius took this as a sign that Remus, in what Sirius believed to be 'old age' was going senile. "You know, James and Lily are engaged, right?" He waited until Remus nodded before patiently continuing, "Well, now, they want me to plan their wedding. Because I'm their best friend."
Remus nodded in exaggerated patience to keep from biting out the words, right, because that's going to work well. "I see. Now, remind me, why did they choose you?"
"Because I'm James's best friend!" Sirius repeated gleefully.
"Yes, James would do that, but Lily? She agreed to let you plan her big day?" Remus said.
"Well, she agreed to marry our Prongs, didn't she?" Sirius pointed out.
"Good point."
Remus sighed as he yanked Sirius's foot. It was well past 10 in the morning and Sirius was still snoozing on the couch in their apartment, muttering that he would get up in five more minutes.
"Sirius! Wake up! I'm serious!"
"No, I'm Sirius!" he mumbled through his long black hair.
"You need to be awake!" Remus snapped, opening the blinds so the rays of the almost-afternoon sun fell on his face.
"Why don't you be awake?" Sirius groaned, covering his eyes with his pillow. "I don't feel like waking up. It's no fun around here since Prongs moved in with Lily and Wormy is gone all the time."
"You have to get up! You have a very important job!" Remus yelled, feeling like they were twelve years old in their Hogwarts dorm again. "You're the wedding planner! You have to plan a wedding! It isn't going to plan itself, you know!"
Sirius sat bolt upright. "You're right! What would I do without you, Moony?"
Knowing you, probably get in trouble, then Azkaban, then more trouble." Remus muttered, shaking his head and wondering if (not when) Sirius would grow up.
Two hours and two cups of tea later, the two marauders sat at the kitchen table, brainstorming wedding ideas.
"So, this is Prongs and Lily-flower's wedding day, right?" Sirius asked, propping his chin up thoughtfully on his hand.
"Yes" Remus answered, not bothering to remind him that James hated when anyone but him called her Lily-flower.
"Well, then, it ought to be about the both of them, right?"
"Naturally" Remus said.
"So how about we do all the decorations and things about the two of them?" Sirius pressed. "Prongs? And Lily?"
Remus merely nodded. Sirius Black had just said three sentences, and not one of them had been incorrect, annoying, dirty, or any combination thereof.
"For Lily, we could do Lilies, right?" Remus snorted at Sirius's creativity. "Like, water lilies! And tiger lilies! And- and- how many other types of lilies are there?
"Loads" Remus said cautiously. He was waiting for the stupid part of the plan. The never-going-to-happen part. The Sirius part.
Sirius opened his mouth, then closed it again. He had that look on his face, the one he had when he had come up with crazy ideas like the marauders' map, the flying motorbike, and way too many others. These ideas all had different levels of success.
"And what about the Prongs part?" Remus asked, fearing the answer.
"You, dear Moony, should just leave that to me."
And that was just the answer he'd been fearing.
The evening before the wedding, Sirius and Remus were waiting at the hall where the wedding would be next morning.
"Ready to see the Prongs part, Moony?" Sirius asked, surveying the various lilies that decorated the hall happily.
"No" Remus said, wondering if he should just call the Aurors now.
Sirius skipped outside. Wait, outside? Wasn't he supposed to show the Prongs part of the theme now? Remus sat down, suddenly feeling rather weak in the knees. He had a feeling that Sirius's plan would be, well, Sirius-ish.
Remus sent a quick prayer to the Forces That Be.
Sirius came in. Remus shut his eyes.
"You can open them now, Moony! The surprise is here!" Sirius called cheerfully, delighted that his friend wanted to be surprised.
Remus opened his eyes. Then he closed them again, because he passed out.
"I think he liked it, don't you?" Sirius asked anxiously. This would have been quite all right, except for the fact that he was talking to a STAG.
Remus rubbed his eyes and sat up. "Sirius, what are those?"
"Stags, obviously. You of all people should know.
"Well, why are they here?" It was taking every bit of Remus's self-control to not shake Sirius until his teeth rattled.
"Prongs is a stag." Sirius said simply, as if this explained everything.
"And?"
"These are stags, too." Sirius could not understand why Remus didn't get it.
"So?"
"So Prongs and these guys can be happy stag friends!" Sirius exclaimed, quite proud of himself. "Want to hear their names?"
"No" Remus said, even though he knew it was no good.
"This is Prongs 1, Prongs 2, Prongs 3, Prongs 4, and Prongs 5!" Sirius said, introducing the 'happy stag friends'
"Did you run out of stags or numbers?" Remus asked drily.
Sirius looked a little put out. "Both, actually."
"Padfoot!" Remus hissed, grabbing Sirius by the collar of his fancy new robes and dragging him off. "Where are the-the- stags?"
"They're outside" Sirius said, winking as a group of pretty ladies walked past them. "They're out back. Would you like me to go and get them?"
"No. No, Sirius, I want you to get rid of them." Remus said. He fully expected Sirius to behave like a child who has been told that he or she is too old to play with a favorite stuffed teddy anymore.
Sirius pouted, and his brown eyes almost watered. "Get rid of them? But I can't! They want to have fun too!"
"They can have fun in a forest, Sirius. Where they belong." Remus explained.
"But they don't want to! They want to be here! So our Prongs can have a good wedding!" Sirius protested, his voice rising. People turned to look at them.
"Sirius-" Remus pleaded. "Lily is going to be walking down the aisle in five minutes."
"You're no fair! Why can't they stay? What's wrong with them?" Remus promised himself that he would have stern word with James about what he did and did not let Sirius do.
"They're too big" Remus said. For starters.
"Okay. I can fix that." Sirius said, nodding slowly. He dashed out back before Remus could stop him. Sighing, he had no option but to follow.
By the time Remus huffed and puffed to the back courtyard of the church, Sirius had done some sort of spell and the stags were now the size of a small dog or a large cat.
"Is that better?" Sirius asked, pleased with his effort
"Much. Now, Let's get inside." Remus said, grabbing his friend's arm and dragging him. The mini-stags followed.
"Can't we play with them for a little while?" Sirius begged, tugging on Remus's arm.
"No. We have to get inside. I'm serious.
"No! Moony! I'M SIRIUS!"
The organ was playing a lovely tune. James, in his dark muggle suit, and Lily in all her white glory, were standing at the front of the church. James's parents were smiling proudly at their son, and Lily's mother's eyes were shining with joyful tears. The priest, who had seen Lily baptized, attend muggle public school, and go away to Hogwarts, was practically bursting at the seams with happiness.
"We are gathered here today to-"
"Hold on" Lily interrupted, having just seen the tiny stags prancing and trotting about behind the train of her wedding gown.
"We are not gathered to hold on, we're gathered for your wedding!" Sirius blurted. The whole crowd laughed.
"Sirius Black." Lily growled. "What are these?" Lily's green eyes were narrowed. Perhaps he should have just given James a picture of a stag-
"Stags." Sirius gulped.
"What?" Lily asked, completely baffled.
"Stags. You know, like Prongs." The muggles in the church who needed further convincing that Sirius Black was off his rocker believed it now.
"But-but- then- why are they so-so- small?" She asked, her eyes darting between the tiny things and James. Remus, in the second row, had clapped his hand to his forehead. James, still holding one of Lily's hands, was trying desperately not to laugh. Lily, part baffled and part irritated, stood with one hand on her hip, awaiting an answer from Sirius.
"Uh, they're babies?" He tried lamely. Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath. James and the priest heard her count to ten. She was having the latest in a long series of pick-your-battles moments.
"Then why the hell do they have antlers?"
THE END!