Author: Toroj
Original (Polish) title: the same
Link: s/8147541/1/TEATRZYK-ZIELONA-FRETKA-REICHENBACH-FLUFF
Translator: Serathe
Betareader: izzygone
The text below, despite appearances, was written in a sober state. I dedicate it to my invaluable betareader, Serathe, and a fellow writer, Homoviator.
Toroj
GREEN OTTER THEATRE
introduces a one-act play entitled:
REICHENBACH FLUFF
Characters:
Author
Betareader
John Watson
Sherlock Holmes
Angster-girl
Fluffer-girl
Slash-girl
Tumblr-girl
Canon-girl
Canon's Voice from Backstage
The scene is a typical room of a Sherlock BBC TV-show maniac, decorated with pictures and posters of Freeman, Cumberbatch and Moffat's works. There are books, plush toys and dirty coffee mugs everywhere. The Author sits in front of a computer writing, Sherlock Holmes and John Watson sit on the bed as two Muses and the rest of the crowd wanders around the Author like vultures.
Angster-girl: Remember, John has to suffer! Long and spectacularly!
Author: (nods)
John Watson: Oh my, oh my, how TERRIBLY I'm suffering! (suffers)
Sherlock Holmes: But why are you suffering?
John Watson: Because you jumped off the roof and died!
Sherlock Holmes: ME?!
John Watson: Yes, you!
Sherlock Holmes: I didn't jump from anywhere. Wait a moment, something's not right. (Flicks through the shooting script.) Which episode are you from?
John Watson: From the end of Reichenbach Fall.
Sherlock Holmes: All is clear now. I demand another blogger! The one from Scandal in Belgravia would be best, he was much more pleasant.
Sulky Reichenbach Watson leaves and a Watson in camouflage clothes on bare skin comes in, holding a whip.
John Watson: I apologize, but Scandal John couldn't come, he is at the dentist's. I can stand for him.
Sherlock Holmes: And which one are you?
John Watson: The one from something Moffat and Gatiss haven't written yet. Should I go?
Sherlock Holmes: No, no. (Moves closer.) Please stay.
Slash-girl: SLAAASH! SLAAASH!
Canon's Voice from Backstage: BAAAD! BAAAD!
Slash-girl (hovering around the Author like a vulture): Remember about the lube! Lots of wild, rabbit sex! Cuffs, bondage! And French kissing!
Sherlock and John look at each other in horror. Watson hides the whip behind him.
Canon-girl: Children ae reading this! It should be educational!
The Author crosses off bondage, adds instructions about putting on a condom.
John Watson: Why can't we do something nice? Like a walk in a park?
Author: Good idea!
Angster-girl: You have to suffer! And him too!
Sherlock Holmes: Not a problem. I hate parks. I can suffer there, maybe while feeding ducks.
Takes out a sandwich and starts eating.
Canon-girl: LEAVE IT! You don't eat!
Sherlock Holmes (chokes): Well... I do.
Canon-girl: Twice during the whole series! And be quiet, you ignoramus!
Slash-girl: SLAAASH!
Author (shyly): Can it be sex on a blanket near the duck pond?
Slash-girl: Yes!
Angster-girl: No!
Canon-girl: Quiet, ignoramuses! Form is irrelevant, it's content that matters! And more brackets!
Fluffer-girl: And I would like it to be romantic... Some hand-holding... Kissing... Maybe candles...
Slash-girl (interested): Candles? They could do! What size?
Sherlock and Watson go pale; Watson less as the tanned one, Sherlock more, cause he has practice.
Tumblr-girl: I think you should add some colour to this story. Maybe a "Hobbit" crossover?
Canon-girl: Jackson's done that already, stop talking our Author into plagiarism! Apage!
Tumblr-girl: Then maybe "Toy Story"? Buzz Watson and Sheriff Holmes. They even match the physique...
Author (tries to imagine a sex crime and murder on a Barbie doll): It could be possible...
Angster-girl: Will they suffer?
Holmes: I already suffer.
Canon's Voice from Backstage: BLOOOD! DEER STALKER!
Holmes: And now I suffer even more. (Suffers more.)
Author: ...it's like a date fruit to the touch - inside the soft skin there are hard muscles... (busily runs her fingers over keys)
Slash-girl: What is this?! Tell me! What are those stupid, overcooked metaphores? Raw! I need it raw and hard! Look at that guy, that... V, he has it so raw that he can open a butcher!
Betareader: "Be a butcher." Or "open a butchershop". Or a meat stand. With penises.
Tumblr-girl (sits on the desk and swings her legs): I have to disappoint you. V wrote a fanfiction about an otter.
Slash-girl (with hope): Zoophilic?
Tumblr-girl (with satisfaction): Zoological.
Fluffer-girl: Very fluffy? Emotional? Itty bitty ottery committee?
Tumblr-girl: Sherlock's an otter. Mycroft's a hamster. And John's a hedgehog.
Slash-girl (skeptically): An otter with a hedgehog? I don't think it's technically possible...
Angster-girl: But how TERRIBLY can they suffer!
Sherlock (quietly): If I wasn't an atheist, I would start praying right now.
John Watson (also quietly): I'm a believer, I can pray for us both.
Slash-girl (looking over the Author's shoulder): There you have it! She can't be left alone even for a minute. What is that nonsense? What Greek columns are in a slash? There should be penises!
Canon-girl: Leave her be, columns are canonical. Doyle wrote it.
Canon's Voice from Backstage: DOOOYLE'S PEEENIIIS!
Slash-girl: Columns are stupid!
Canon-girl: You are stupid! Like an otter in a scarf!
The Tumblr-girl, in holy tumblr rage, smacks the Canon-girl on the head and the latter fights back. There is a commotion, other fangirls join. Sherlock and John take out popcorn, watch and make bets. The Author is disgusted, when the fangirls break her hedgehog cup.
Author: There is only one way out of this situation. Or I'll go bonkers and there will be no fanfiction, even after two beers. John, can I borrow your SIG-Sauer?
The curtain fells for a moment, a few shoots can be heard, the curtain goes up.
John Watson (looking at a stack of bodies): What do you make of that, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: Nothing. I didn't see anything. Actually, I suffer from amnesia after that jump from Barts roof and am unable to deduct. There was one fanfiction, where I regressed to a mental state of a seven-year-old. Look, I even have a blanket! (significantly points to an orange blanket)
John Watson (after some thinking): Actually, I had to tie my shoelaces and missed everything too. But if you have a blanket, we can go to that park.
The Author, Holmes, Watson and the Betareader join hands and walk into the sun. Holmes waves his blanket and a melodious howl of the Baskerville Hound can be heard from backstage.
Happy End: (follows)