~Toushiro/Kaori~
The wooden stick flew from my hands yet again as captain Hitsugaya overpowered me. Sweat dripped down my face and back, and I was exhausted.
"Can we take a break captain?" I panted.
"No. Not until you get this right." He handed me my stick, and took his stance.
"Now, close your eyes. Feel the spiritual pressure of your opponent. Feel his every move, his every breath." I did as he told me, feeling the build of his energy before the strike. I opened my eyes, and raised my 'sword' to block him. Surprised, I was now on the offense, moving with a succession of strikes he couldn't keep up with. Before I knew it, he was on the ground, my sword at his throat. Panting, I lowered it and grinned.
"Now can we take that break?" I asked. He jumped up and nodded, retrieving his make shift sword.
He walked me back to my dorm in silence, seemingly deep in thought. I nudged his arm with my elbow jokingly.
"Would you like a popsicle captain?" He seemed taken aback by my question.
"Yes, please. Grape if you have it." I grinned. I always had grape, it was my favorite.
"You can wait out here if you want, it's really stuffy inside." He nodded and sat on the edge of the porch. Today was the students' only day without classes in the week, so the dorm was deserted.
The cool air of the fridge felt good on my hot skin as I grabbed the popsicles and ran back out the captain.
"Heads up Captain!" I called as I tossed the frozen treat at him. As always, he caught it reflexively.
"Thank you, Kaori." I plopped down next to him and opened my Popsicle. The cold ice felt amazing after the hard training session.
I'd been training with Captain Hitsugaya for almost four months now. Even though I was only a first year, he seemed to think I had potential. And the fact that I had taken him down just now proved that. But why he bothered with me I would never know.
I was proud of Kaori, today had been the first time she'd managed to disarm me. Granted had it been a real fight she would have been dead long before she'd gotten there, but I hadn't been going easy on her.
"Captain Hitsugaya, may I ask you a question?" I looked over into her large, open eyes and nodded.
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to; it's not really my place to ask, but, why don't you ever smile?" Her question caught me off guard, and I turned to look back at the rest of the dorms, my gaze locked on something far away.
"I haven't got many reasons left to smile Kaori." She was quiet for a moment, thinking over my answer.
"Can I ask you another question?"
"You're full of questions today." This seemed to worry her.
"I'll stop if you want." I felt the icy cage around my heart shifting some.
"Ask your questions Kaori."
"Would it be alright if, maybe sometime, you told me your story?" Again, that shifting around my heart. I'd never told anyone of my life. The problems that it held where mine and mine alone to bear, and telling others would simply involve them. Someone might get hurt. But suddenly I did want to tell her. I wanted her to be involved.
"Maybe sometime, Miss. Suzuki." Something wet and cold rand down my hand, causing me to jump in surprise. I hadn't been paying attention to my Popsicle, and it had melted onto my hand. Kaori laughed. She had a nice laugh, like silver bells carried on the wind.
I slid the rest of the not-so-frozen treat into my mouth, and licked the sticky syrup off my fingers. Kaori laughed again, and imitated me.
"You have some popsicle on your chin, captain." She said, still giggling. Blushing slightly, I brushed the purple drip from my face.
We sat quietly for a while, each thinking about the other. Kaori broke the silence first, with another question.
"Why did you pick me captain?" I turned to look at her, confused.
"What?"
"Why did you ask me, a first year, to train with you? Most captains don't ask anybody not even sixth years to train with them. So why me? Is it because I'm shorter than you?"
I remembered back to the first time I'd seen her fight, on the training grounds. She'd been paired with a sixth year, and she was beating him soundly. I'd seen the potential in her. She'd reminded me of myself. But that wasn't the only reason I'd asked her to train with me. When I'd looked at her, I'd felt a shock go through my body, almost like I'd been stabbed, but didn't feel the pain yet. I'd wanted to understand this feeling, the one I only seemed to get around her. So I'd found ways to spend as much time as I could with her.
"I saw a lot of potential in you, Kaori. You remind me a lot of myself." She seemed almost saddened by my answer. I wanted to see her smile again, hear her laughing.
"Can I show you something Kaori?" I asked. She looked at me and nodded, surprise clear in her brown eyes. I stood up and started walking away from the center of the Seireitei.
"Can you run?" I asked, and saw her grimace.
"Not very fast." I had an idea then, and held my hand out to her. She took it without a second thought, and I slung her onto my back. She was amazingly light, and she wrapped her legs around my waist tightly. And I was off running.
I loved running, the feeling of almost flying, speeding through the world. But that exhilaration was trumped by the feeling of Kaori on my back. I couldn't stop myself from imagining her bare legs wrapped around my waist, her small body shuddering beneath me…
I shook my head to clear it, and ran faster, trying to outrun the horrible feelings that threatened to overcome me. I couldn't do that to her, I couldn't hurt her like that. It would kill me. She rested her head on my shoulder and sighed, and again I was drowned in my horrible imagination. Her sighing m name, eyes closed in ecstasy. I growled deep in my chest and ran on. This was going to be the death of me, I just knew it.
Captain Hitsugaya was fast. I sighed and rested my head on his shoulder, inhaling the incredibly sweet smell of his hair, and the light, fresh scent of his skin. I tightened my grip on his waist, and he ran faster. I could have sworn he growled, but I couldn't tell with how fast we were going. Then suddenly we weren't moving anymore. I slid off his back and looked around. We were on a hilltop, far outside of the Seireitei. There was a giant old tree growing from the center of the hill. The grass was long and the ground spotted with wild flowers. I ran around in circles, laughing.
"Wow captain this is amazing!" He walked toward me, an almost-smile on his face.
"This is my favorite place. I come here when I need to think. I though you would like it." I grinned and nodded vigorously.
"Captain I love it! Thank you for bringing me here!"
"Call me Toushiro." I stopped spinning and looked at him.
"I couldn't do that! It's not my place to call a captain by their first name!" He smiled for real this time, a small one, but still a smile.
"I gave you permission, Kaori. Please." Well… if he insisted. I nodded.
"Alright… Toushiro." His name sounded strange in my mouth, but I liked it.
Kaori jumped up into the tree, and giggling, she waved to me to fallow her. I watched for another second, and then climbed up next to her. She stopped about half way up, and sat down on a branch, her back against the trunk. I sat next to her, my branch slightly lower than hers so I had to look up.
I watched her for a moment, my emotions battling against each other inside my chest. Finally, I decided to tell her.
"Kaori, do you still want to know my story?" I asked. She looked down at me and nodded nothing but curiosity in her eyes. I looked away, unable to look into those pure eyes.
"Promise me you won't feel differently about me after I tell you. Please" I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I didn't want to see the curiosity I would see in her eyes.
"I promise Toushiro." I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes closed.
"I was born in a small village outside of the Rukon district. Because of the way I looked, everyone in the village picked on me, even the adults, if in a less obvious manner than the children. My best and only friend, Momo Hinamori, defended me. She was a few years older than me, but she never looked on me as a child, but as an equal. She had always dreamed of coming to the Seireitei and becoming a soul reaper. I idolized her so much, that in time that too became my dream. Then one day, she just left. She said she was going to get out of this village, and become a join the soul reaper academy. She didn't even really say goodbye. She just left." I had to pause to take a shaky breath and regain my composure.
"I stayed in the village for another year, but without Momo there to protect me from the villagers, they got more and more violent towards me. One night I was walking home and three teenage boys jumped out from the side of the road and beat me mercilessly, then left me there. It started raining as I crawled home, bloody and broken. That night, I swore once I could, I would leave that village and go to the Seireitei and find Momo. It was a month before I left.
"It took me months to get to the academy, and once I got there I collapsed. I had had little water and even less food on my journey, and was severely malnourished. It was almost 4 months to the day when they deemed me fit enough to leave, and by then Momo had already been placed in the third squad. I enrolled in the academy. At first they didn't want to accept me, but they couldn't deny my scores on the entrance exams. I excelled in all of my classes, and even made a friend, Kukaku Shiba. When it came time for us to master our Zanpakutos, we both mastered the Hyorinmaru. Central 46 said they had no need for two of the same soul reaper, and made us fight to the death to find the rightful master of Hyorinmaru. I won, but I didn't kill Kukaku. No, the stealth force did that for me." My hands where balled into tight fists, my fingernails digging into my palms. I was shaking, my mask of cold indifference gone completely. I took a few deep breaths, and forcibly relaxed myself. I looked up ad Kaori and smiled.
"I'm sure you know the rest."
Listening to Toushiro's story made my heart hurt. But from what Rangiku had told me, he never spoke of the past with anyone, so I felt extremely honored that he let me listen. Then he smiled at me. It was a small one, but it made him look younger, happier. It made my heart do backflips, and race faster than Toushiro's feet.
I grabbed his hand and pulled him up the tree with me, all the way to the top.
"Kaori what are you doing?" He asked, his feet unsteady on the branches. I let go of his hand and raced ahead of him, laughing.
"Hurry up you're going to miss it!"
"Miss what? What are you going on about Suzuki?" I giggled and beckoned to him. He reached the top just in time. The sun was setting, lighting the while Seireitei on fire, and bathing us in a golden light. Toushiro gasped at the sight of the whole Soul Society spread out before him, glowing like liquid gold. I sighed and leaned back against his chest. He was slightly taller than me, so he could still see over my head. I felt his heart hammering against his chest, and slowly he wrapped his arms around my waist.
What was I doing, standing at the top of a tree, holding Kaori Suzuki? If I kept this up, we'd both get hurt. I had to stop getting closer to her, but that was like telling me not to breath. I hadn't ever wanted anything so much as I wanted her. It physically hurt to think of letting go of her, of telling her not to train with me anymore, to find some other captain to do it. The hurt look that would be in her eyes, but she would put on a brave face, she was so strong. She would go back to calling me Captain Hitsugaya, if we spoke at all. And she would grow to surpass even my power.
A shudder rolled through me, causing Kaori to turn and look at me, pulling out of my grasp. She was ringed in the light of the setting sun behind her, and looked very much like an angel.
"Toushiro, what's wrong?" She asked, her voice soft and full of concern. The sun set fully behind her, making her eyes flash.
"Nothing…" I raised my hand to her cheek, gently rubbing her soft, smooth skin. She pressed against me. Somehow we'd gotten closer. Her deep brown eyes fluttered closed, her coral lips parted slightly. I lightly brushed my lips across hers, and she wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me closer. Our lips touched very, very lightly, and suddenly her face flashed behind my closed eyes, pain and anger clear in her eyes. That's what would happen if I kissed her. She would get hurt. I broke our embrace, and she only looked at me, her eyes so trusting and warm. That trust hurt me more than any amount of rage could have. She had no clue how much I could hurt her.
I jumped down the tree, my feet barely touching the branches. I heard Kaori call my name, but I couldn't face her. I sank to my knees on the ground, trying desperately to stop the horrible feeling that I couldn't breathe, like I had left my heart up there, on the top of the tree, with her.
"Toushiro did I do something wrong?" Her voice was small, and she was a few feet back, keeping her distance.
"No Kaori you didn't do anything wrong."
"Then why did you run?" Her voice was quiet and sad. I had made her sad. I stood and turned to see her, looking small and lost, the pain in her eyes evident. I reached out to her, and she took a shaky step forward. I wrapped my arms around her again, and she buried her head in my chest.
"I ran because I didn't want to hurt you, Kaori. And if I keep doing this, spending time with you, I'm afraid I will hurt you. And I couldn't live with myself if I did." She spoke into my chest, her voice muffled by my Kimono.
"I'm stronger than you think. I took you down today after all." I couldn't help but chuckle. She really was strong, and brave, and beautiful.
"So you did."
We lay in the grass, looking up at the stars. Kaori's hand was intertwined with mind, and my thumb was rubbing circles on the back of hers. She yawned, her exhaustion showing.
"You should go to sleep, Kaori, you've got classes tomorrow." She sighed and closed her eyes.
"Will you keep me safe in my sleep Toushiro?" She asked sleepily. I looked over at her. Her eyes where half lidded and glassy, but she waited for my answer.
"Yes, I promise." She sighed again, and rolled over, resting her head on my chest. I gasped slightly, not used to such close contact. Slowly I rapped my arms around her and held her close. She mumbled in her sleep, and I stared at the stars, praying for the strength to keep her safe, from others, and myself. I wanted her in ways I shouldn't, wanted to do forbidden things to her, to steal her innocence. I was going to hell, I knew it. How could I even think of doing such horrid things to someone so pure? Someone who's innocence shined out like a beacon in the dark, screaming of purity and light, and rest for the dammed. I made myself sick.
'I hope she runs me through with her Zanpakuto when she masters it. I hope she sees what a monster I am and puts me out of my misery.'
"Toushiro…" I looked down at Kaori's sleeping form. Was she dreaming of me? Is that why she'd said my name so clearly? She had a small smile on her face as she snuggled closer in to me.
I could feel it, slowly but surely, Kaori's light was melting the ice around my heart, and warming the frozen, broken organ. And I knew, that if I just let her into my heart, she could heal it completely.