Part Three

by mz lynx

Songs of Finn and Devotion... Finn had never expected to care as he did for Rory Gilmore. Then again, he hadn't expected anything that had happened with her - not the good, and certainly not the bad... Another scenario in the series - Finn's p.o.v.

A Gilmore Girls fanfic

Author: mz lynx

Disclaimer: I do not own Gilmore Girls. Nor do I own any of the referenced music (extended musical info at the end).

AN: This is not a sequel per se, but instead one possible way things could have gone after the events in Part One, I'll Remember You. I guess you could call it a kind of, sort of, maybe sequel...

Songs of Finn and Devotion, Part Three

Damndamndamn

Though I haven't seen you in such a long time

I think of you at times

It was something that got stuck on me

Something that never completely disappeared

damndamndamn it should have been you

damndamndamn it should have been you

Finn sat with a cup of tea – he no longer drank coffee, hadn't since her – out on his balcony. Christmas was just a few days away, which meant it had been another year. Seven years, now, seven years since he'd seen her. He no longer thought about her daily, and at times it could go weeks or even months between the times his memories hit him. Still, so far he'd been unable to forget her completely and by now he had started to doubt that he ever would. He always remembered her at this particular time of year, though, and it was those times that were the hardest.

It was no longer just about her though, the girl he'd loved and lost (mostly due to his own stupidity), but also about all the lessons he'd learned since she'd gone. That he was weak, immature and stupid – a coward. That he wasn't to be trusted with certain things. That other people couldn't always be trusted either, no matter how close you thought you were to them. Back at Yale, ten years ago, he'd been an irresponsible kid who drank way too much and spent too much time playing "games" with others just like him. To his defense however Finn had been on the right side of alcoholism and he'd never hurt anyone enough to make them hate him. Both those things had changed since.

The first time he'd met her he hadn't thought much about her. He'd been preoccupied with the thought of the next party, the next girl, the next rush… Sure, she'd been a lovely girl, but in society pretty girls were thirteen a dozen. The same went for her being smart; at Yale there was no shortage of brainy girls. What had finally caught his attention had been her personality, her sense of humor and her ambition. A girl who was driven by something else than the wish for a rich husband and a huge engagement ring was, unlike smart and/or pretty, not something he saw everyday. The fact that she'd been determined to be herself no matter what anyone else said and wasn't impressed by money or connections… Yeah, that had made her beautiful in his eyes.

When she had ended up in his bed Finn had hardly known who to thank for his luck. Sure, he'd screwed up royally by not realizing she was a virgin and needed careful handling, but still. He'd had her. And then he'd screwed up even worse. He'd fallen in love with her but had not only failed to tell her, he'd also failed to realize it himself. Until she was gone, that was.

Her leaving had hit him like a sledgehammer and left him reeling. Once the words in the letter she'd left him had penetrated his brain he'd imploded. He'd gone straight to the nearest pub and gotten blindingly, staggering, roaring drunk. He had, in fact, been practically marinated before he'd allowed himself to be dragged out into a cab. Then he'd spent the better part of a day sobering up enough to go by her dorm and try talking to her room-mate. He hadn't been exactly welcome and it still surprised him that the fierce girl hadn't physically attacked him. Sure, her words were weapons enough, but… He'd been about to return to the Pub then, but had instead chosen to get in his car and drive over to Stars Hollows and the Dragonfly Inn. He'd been too much of a coward to go in however, and had sat outside in his car for two hours before giving up and leaving. After all, he had plenty of reasons to believe her mom wouldn't exactly welcome him.

Finn didn't know for sure, but that just might have been the next in line when it came to his fantastical screw-ups. He should have gone in, should have asked Lorelai Gilmore for the whereabouts of her daughter, should have tried harder, fought harder, should have been anything but so fucking stupid.

And then, maybe he wouldn't have been so lonely…

If I could play the game again

If I had the chance one more time

If I could turn back time if they gave me a new hand

He'd gone back to his old ways then, including the getting too drunk too often. In the months before he'd cut down on the alcohol considerably, not because he'd felt the need to but simply because he preferred being sober enough to play with his kitten. With no such thing to distract him anymore he was soon drinking as often as before her, and even larger amounts.

The downwards spiral had started for real early March. It had been a guys' night out, where instead of them all chipping in for the tab Logan had picked it up. Someone had questioned it, asking laughingly if Mitchum had increased his allowance. Logan had just sent them all a satisfied smirk and told them that no, but Robert had. Then he'd just sat there, looking smug, and waited for the reactions.

Finn had been first to get it, and had been stunned. For Robert to have had an effect on Logan's finances... There had really only been one way to interpret Logan's words.

The others had come to the same conclusion quickly enough, and bombarded the blond with questions that he'd refused to answer. "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell," he'd said, and ordered another round.

Finn still didn't remember a single second of the evening after that point.

He'd been headed for a disaster, ruining his life faster than you could say "whiskey, neat". His salvation had come in the for of summer, and an internship. The first week had been lethal – an emergency had come up, and Finn had worked alongside his mentor for sixteen hours a day. Afterwards he only had energy enough to eat something and fall into bed. When he'd finally gotten off early Saturday evening he'd gone out to dinner. Knowing he had the next day off he'd ordered a whiskey for an aperitif. It had only taken two sips for it to have an effect.

He'd felt calmer, more focus and relaxed, and that's when it had hit him. He'd just gone six days without alcohol – and couldn't remember the last time that had happened. Except, he could, he just didn't want to. It had been with her.

He'd realized a few thing then and there. Like how it probably hadn't been stress making him so irritable that week – or at least not just stress. How his drinking had become a problem. How he needed a change...

Not drinking had been hard. Finn still remembered the pain from the longing, and the excuses he'd told himself – and luckily hadn't accepted. He'd fought it by throwing himself into the work he was given, by spending hours at the gym and by bribing his way into a summer class at the local college. For the first time ever he'd put his ability to get by on four or five hours of sleep to good use.

Being sober had cleared his mind, though, and Finn had found himself taking inventory of his life. Of course she had been part of it. After Logan's announcement Finn had more or less banished all thoughts of his kitten – which of course wasn't his, not any longer – but once he'd come out of the whiskey fog they'd resurfaced.

Being (mostly) sober for two months straight had had some interesting effects however: it had made him actually think about her and why she'd left. She'd fallen in love with him, according to her letter, and had felt stupid because of it. And so she'd left. But why had she thought it so stupid? Had he really behaved so horribly that she'd not felt him worthy of loving? Why? So, he hadn't been smart enough to try and make her his girlfriend, or even admit to recognizing her in public, but still… He hadn't been that bad, had he? He'd drunk less, spent time with her instead of with his fiends, stayed away from other girls… And that, he'd finally realized, had to be it. Other girls. His kitten had made it perfectly clear, without saying a word, that she had no intention of sharing. She might not have pushed for them to be a real couple, but if he wanted to be welcome in her bed then he'd better stay out of all others'. And he had. But, if she'd missed that, if she'd somehow come to believe he'd been sleeping around… Well, that would explain everything. Including the fact that the room-mate, who'd seemed to know who he was, had screamed something about two-timing bastards.

There and then Finn had made up his mind to find her, and try to get her back. He'd been aware that he'd need to go about it in a sneaky way though, and had finally decided to go after her dad. She had to have told her dad where she was, right? Yes, he'd been aware of the fact that things had been strained between father and daughter, but from what he'd remembered she'd talked about improvement, and about visiting for the holidays.

Also, if they didn't talk that much she probably hadn't told her dad about Finn, which should improve his chances of getting information without being screamed at – or at least so he'd hoped. The only problem had been that he'd never been told her dad's name, but surely that was a minor detail? Everything could be found at the Internet these days, well, maybe except the whereabouts of one very special brunette. He'd lucked out just after returning to Yale, finding an old article about a débutante ball. His kitten a débutante? Finn's world had spun slightly off its axis when reading that. Still, the article had provided him with her dad's name and her full name. Things had gotten a little easier then. Another set of Internet searches had found her in San Francisco, under a new name – Leigh Hayden – and apparently interning or working for a newspaper. More specifically: a Huntzberger newspaper.

That had been more than he could process.

Yes, she'd been good. Talented, with her wit and humor showing in her writing, and it had been easy to see that her ambition to become a great reporter had held merit. But to land a position at one of Mitchum's papers not even halfway through Yale? No. That good didn't exist, not as far as Finn knew.

And that had left him with only one option. She had to have gotten that spot by sleeping with Logan. Up to that point he'd been able to talk himself into believing that Logan had gotten her drunk – not that hard to do – and taken advantage, but that scenario didn't hold up any longer... Had she used her knowledge of the bet, and approached Logan, or had he come to her and this had been the result? Finn hadn't even wanted to know. He'd felt sick, and his head had been echoing with her words... I won't be a whore, Finn... He'd never call her a whore, no matter what, because he still loved her too much, but her actions... Her actions made her words hollow. If what she'd said with such conviction had means so little in the end, he'd thought, maybe then her declaration of love had meant as little.

He'd given up then. He'd managed to get through the last two weeks of his summer without drinking, but it had been a close call. His first action upon returning to Yale had been to go to the Pub and get drunk – he'd even gone as far as to pick up a pretty girl and bring her home. It had been no use. All he'd been able to see, all he'd been able to hear had been her and he hadn't been able to function at all.

The girl, whose name he'd forgotten before she'd finished telling him, had been followed by others, with the same result. He'd tried being sober, but that only made it worse, and had finally resorted to pills. That way he'd been able to perform, but afterwards he'd locked himself into the bathroom and thrown up. He'd felt so dirty.

There had been no more girls after that, only too much alcohol. Once again he'd been riding a downward spiral of self destruction, with not one of his friends noticing – only helping him along by buying new drinks. He'd been lucky though, to have other friends outside of Yale.

It had been five weeks after his return, and for the first time he'd refuse to go out. It had been her birthday, and he'd just known that going out and getting drunk with the boys would mean disaster. Instead he'd stayed at home, and taken the time to talk to Laurie – a friend from his freshman year who'd transferred away while he'd been sailing. And it had been to her he'd finally spilled the whole situation.

Laurie had been the perfect person to talk to, he'd soon realized. The two girls were a lot alike, including an intense dislike for Logan Huntzberger – for reasons both the same, and different. Finn had believed they would have liked each other. He'd hoped they would have, as he loved them both – although in completely different ways. There wasn't a single sexual thought in his body when it came to Laurie, not just because they were friends, but also because she was very openly homosexual.

He'd talked and talked, for what felt like an eternity, and when he'd finally gotten it all out Laurie had been very quiet. Not the reaction he'd been hoping for. When she spoke it was to ask him questions. Had he thought this possible? Did it make any sense? The answer to both had been "no". Yes, at first he'd been wary, because of his fears that exactly this would happen, but once they'd started sleeping together? No way. If he had, then they wouldn't have. Garbled words, but clear thoughts. Laurie understood.

So she'd asked her next question. If it didn't make any sense, then why did he believe it? His answer had been a question in its own. How could he not?

"I think it's time I told you why I really left Yale," had been the next words out of Laurie's mouth, and a chill had run down Finn's back. She'd told him she'd transferred because she was homesick, and if that wasn't really the case... Something had told him he wouldn't like what she was about to say. He'd been right.

Part of the reason Laurie had always disliked Logan was because of his attitude concerning her sexual preferences. She might not be interested in guys, but guys found her very attractive. Logan hadn't been an exception. He'd been more persistent than most though, hitting on her even after she'd turned him down repeatedly. When Finn had been around it had been okay, Laurie said, but whenever he wasn't... Logan seemed to think that girls only became lesbians – attractive girls that was – because they'd never had a real man. So, the solution to "curing" lesbians was to fuck them.

Finn's eyes had almost fallen out of his scull at hearing that. Sure, Logan had mentioned that Laurie was "too pretty to waste on girls" and that "a girl like that should be able to score a boyfriend", but he'd never been that crude. But if that was the case, well... Laurie's dislike of the blond seemed not nearly enough then.

It had gotten worse after that.

One evening Laurie had needed some help. She'd been a bit desperate, and when Finn hadn't answered either of his phones she'd gone looking for him first at home and then at the Pub. She hadn't found him, nor anyone else – except for Logan. She'd tried sneaking away, but he'd seen and stopped her. Her excuse, to continue looking for Finn, had quickly been shot down, as Logan claimed to be waiting for him. So, not seeing a way out, Laurie had agreed to sit and wait at Logan's table. The same had gone for accepting the glass of wine Logan had showed up with.

"I drank about half, then everything is black. The next thing I remember is waking up in an unfamiliar bed."

Finn had tasted bile then. Surely Logan wouldn't...

As it turned out, no. But not for lack of trying. One of Laurie's classmates had come across Logan leading a wasted Laurie away from the Pub – and not in the direction of her dorm. She'd lived in the building next to Finn then, and Logan had known it. He'd tried to protest, but when the other girl had threatened to call campus security Logan had backed off.

All the signs pointed towards some kind of date rape drug, but by the time Laurie had woken up and gotten herself to the Student Health Center there had been no traces of anything in her blood. Still, she'd been very cautious of Logan after that. Finding out that Finn hadn't been planing to meet Logan that night, that he had in fact been out of town – something Logan had been fully aware of – had only strengthened her resolve. Laurie had made sure she never ended up in the same room as Logan without Finn present after that, and never walked anywhere alone after dark again.

What she'd seen, and heard – both from Logan and from others – had made her scared. She'd felt safer when they'd been away sailing, but once Finn had sent her confirmation of their return that safety had started feeling empty. So, she'd transferred.

Finn had wanted to protest, to claim Logan would never do something like that, but then he'd remembered another girl and another spiked drink. Not exactly the same, but close enough to make him very uncomfortable. His next reaction had been to wonder why Laurie hadn't told him before, but he'd realized the answer without asking. Hadn't he just jumped to Logan's defense? And that had been after knowing how Logan had acted towards a certain birthday girl.

Laurie had let him work through all this on his own before uttering the most dreadful words yet. If Finn really had thought this girl would never sleep with Logan, why was he necessarily wrong? Could it be something that had happened because Logan made it, not because she wanted it? And could the reporter job be a payoff, a bribe to keep her from filing charges against Logan?

He'd lost the fight against his stomach then.

Once he'd recovered Laurie had asked him one more question. Could he live with the uncertainty? And once he'd answered that there had only been one thing to do.

Robert hadn't returned after the summer, and tracking him down had been tough – getting him to talk even more so. The other boy had avoided him, not wanting to either talk to or see him. In the end Finn had gone there in person and cornered him, taking a chance that if Robert wouldn't talk then maybe he'd listen.

So, he'd retold Laurie's story. Then he'd moved on to her. He'd admitted to talking to her a couple of times, and had given Robert a brief summary of her comments about the blond. He'd finished with his suspicions. Robert had talked then.

A surprising anger had risen in Robert upon hearing that Logan might be in the habit of drugging girls for sex. At first Finn had thought it had been about loosing the bet, but he had soon realized that hadn't been it. He still didn't know, he'd never asked, but Finn had a feeling that there was some personal reason behind Robert's fury.

According to Robert Logan had showed up December 30th with a cocky attitude, claiming to have won the bet. When pressed for proof – even for trust fund babies 10,000 dollars was too much money to hand over without proof – Logan had handed over a contract, with her name on it, and smirked. There, he'd claimed, was all the proof needed – he'd gotten a night with the girl, she'd gotten an internship. Robert hadn't accepted. It was after all possible, he'd argued, that a journalist student could have gotten an internship on her own. If that was all Logan had, then Robert wasn't paying.

Logan had then done something unexpected – and uncharacteristic. He'd suggested a compromise. There was additional proof, he'd said, in the form of photos, but he felt uncomfortable sharing them. So, what if they each went half the distance? If Robert admitted to loosing the bet, then Logan would forgo collecting. Robert had expressed shame, concern and self loathing. If he hadn't been so unwilling to loose the money, then he would have forced Logan to show those pictures and then he might have known. After all, if she'd been drugged, chances were it would have been noticeable in those pictures.

Finn had been consumed by a killer-rage. The only thing he wanted was to get his hands on Logan...

He'd stayed the night in a hotel, realizing the danger in getting behind the wheel in his state, and driven back the next day. His first action had been to go look for Logan. Fortunately, at least for one of them, the blond hadn't been anywhere to be found. By the time he resurfaced, three days later, with a slight tan and a wild story, Finn had calmed down a bit. He was no longer seeing red, no longer ready to kill at sight. No. His anger had cooled, had gone from fire to ice, and he'd seen clearly. Oh, he'd still wanted to destroy Logan, but he'd been ready to be smart about it.

And so he'd gone to see the man who might just have the answers; Mitchum Huntzberger.

The media mogul had been surprised to have one of his son's friends come look him up. He'd been even more surprised at the reason. Still, he'd explained the situation to Finn. Rumors of Logan's pursuit of a certain brunette had reached Mitchum, who'd decided to try and put a stop to things. He had felt, he'd explained, that the match would have been extremely unsuitable. The girl wouldn't have made the kind of wife Logan would need, and Mitchum was well enough acquainted with Richard and Emily Gilmore to know that they would never stand for Logan treating their granddaughter like one of his usual flings.

Mitchum's solution had been to look her up, and try to bribe her. An internship at the HMG office of her choice in return for staying away from Logan. Her reaction hadn't been what Mitchum had thought. She'd given him an ice cold glare and told him that she needed no encouragement to stay away from Logan, but she'd be extremely happy if Mitchum could make him keep his distance. She'd been very clear about not wanting nothing to do with Logan – and hadn't minced her words. The way she'd talked about Logan had convinced Mitchum she was serious, and he'd promised to talk to Logan.

He'd renewed his offer of an internship as well; she'd had spirit, he'd said with a smile, a spirit that combined with talent and nurturing could take her anywhere. The fact that she'd stood up to him had impressed as well. Surprisingly she'd declined, saying she wanted to stay where she was. The reason she'd given was a relationship with someone she was unwilling to leave.

"I told her to give me a call if she changed her mind, but I didn't expect her to," Mitchum had told him, and added, "that's what made it so surprising when she did. I'm rarely that wrong."

The call had come between Christmas and New Years, almost two weeks after the offer had been made. She'd given no explanation to why she'd changed her mind, and Mitchum hadn't pressed, his finely honed journalistic sense already telling him she was hurt. Within a week she'd left Connecticut behind her.

Of course Mitchum had wanted to know why Finn was so interested, and Finn had been happy to tell him. There hadn't been any real, tangible evidence to take to the police, meaning Logan would have gotten away with what he'd done, but Mitchum had other options. Finn had known he'd use them too. So, he'd happily – though outwardly only showing regret and disgust – informed Mitchum about the bet, and Logan's claims concerning it. Finally he'd told Mitchum that Logan had been insinuating that the internship had been payment for "services rendered". The good natured man who'd talked fondly – like an uncle discussing his favorite niece – about his latest protégée had disappeared, quickly replaced by the stone faced and hard business man that was feared for good reasons. It had been obvious that Logan would be made to pay for his actions – whatever they were.

Still, Finn had felt almost more confused leaving than he'd done coming. Something hadn't felt right about it all, about her reactions. He'd known he was missing something, something important, and it kept eating at him. The only thing he had felt sure about had been that at least she hadn't traded her body for an internship. It was something, but was it enough?

He'd spent a week – during which Logan had luckily, but conspicuously, been AWOL –thinking about it, seven days of agonizing and soul searching, and it had had given him the answer. Yes. It was enough, because it had to be enough. It had been almost a year, and he still missed her as much as he'd done the day he'd learned she was gone. So he'd planned a trip to San Fransisco. He'd checked his schedule, rearranged a few things and booked both flight and hotel for two days later. He'd felt tons lighter after that.

It had been a fairly good plan, all things considered. Go see her, explain everything and beg for forgiveness. He'd be able to see her again, speak to her, hold her – he'd refused to even imagine any other possibility – and then she'd forgive him for not coming sooner, right? She had to. She just had to.

He'd made a huge mistake though – he'd gone back to his habit of scanning the paper's net edition for her stories. It hadn't even taken him five minutes to come across an article where she was part of the story, not the author, and that contained her real name.

She'd been photographed walking down the red carpet during the opening of some show or other, on the arm of a very familiar blond. His heart had stopped then. He'd gone through all that trouble, had even broken several unwritten rules and "told" on his former friend, and still Logan ended up with the girl? It was unbelievable. Something had made his examine the photo closer though, and to read every single word. Turned out, it hadn't been Logan. It had been worse.

The blond escorting her had been the original, "T" as she'd referred to him. "Tristin DuGrey" the text named him, and Finn had easily seen what she'd meant when she talked about Logan as "T2". He'd also remembered a certain promise she'd once mentioned, one she'd made to herself: if "T" ever walked into her life again she'd give him the chance she'd refused him in high school. Was that what this was, he'd thought, and gone on to be even more stupid by surfing the net for more information on Tristin DuGrey.

Half an hour later he'd shut down his laptop, not wanting to read anything else. He'd found a ton of gossip and rumors connecting the blond to his favorite brunette, informing him that they'd been seen together frequently since April and suggesting that an engagement was to be expected. That had left Finn with a decision to make. He could go to San Fransisco as planned, and leave it all up to her. Or, he could stay away and accept the fact that she'd moved on with her life. She looked so happy in the photo, having been captured with a smile in her face and her eyes shining and alive.

He'd canceled his reservations the next day.

He'd tried to move on too, after that. Not in the sense of finding another girl – experience had told him he wasn't ready yet, and the last thing he'd needed was one more fiasco – but to at least get over her. It hadn't gone too well. Oh, it had hurt a little less, knowing that whatever had happened with Logan hadn't happened because she wanted it, but he still hadn't been able to shake the feelings. Logan's return had made it both harder and easier; easier because he'd been able to focus on anger and hate instead, harder because the blond's presence had been a constant reminder.

Logan had been angry too, seething with a rage that almost rivaled Finn's. Oh, he'd tried to hide it with his usual congenial masque, but everyone had noticed. The general consensus had been that Mitchum had put his foot down about something, and tightened the reins. Certainly Logan hadn't had nearly the amount of freedom that he'd been used to. On the occasions when he was able to join them for some extracurricular fun, Finn would sometimes find him studying them with a flinty look. Once or twice he'd even been able to feel a hateful stare directed his way. The same glare – only even more intense – had showed up the few times Robert's name came up.

It hadn't been too hard for Finn to figure out that Logan had been punished for his part in the bet, and that Logan naturally had blamed Robert for it. As for the way Logan stared at him, well, Finn had guessed that Mitchum could have informed Logan about his visit. It had been uncomfortable, sure, but since Finn no longer had cared about Logan's opinion of him he hadn't cared that much.

That is, until he'd uncovered the final clue to the whole tragedy. More than a little drunk, Colin had started talking about Logan's changed attitude, adding speculations on what had caused it. It had all started, Colin had claimed, when Mitchum had warned him away from the "Reporter girl". Apparently, being informed that a girl was so turned off by him that she'd even appealed to his father had been a huge blow to Logan's ego. The information that there had been someone else he'd just refused to believe. Colin, however, hadn't. His reasoning had shocked Finn to the core.

"I always figured she liked you," his friend had said, in a not too clear voice. "She relaxed more around you, and sometimes she'd just... look at you. You know. For a while there I thought there was something on your side as well, but then she left and you never mentioned her, so..."

Finn had felt the bile rise in his throat. He'd forced the question out; had Colin mentioned anything to Logan about this? The wobbly nod had pushed him over the edge, and he'd quickly found a quiet place to throw up and calm down. The thoughts had raced through his head, making him even more sick. Logan had known she claimed to be in a relationship. Logan had known Colin believed she liked him, Finn, and that it might have been mutual.

Would Logan have believed Colin? Without a doubt. Anyone who knew Colin for more than a few weeks learned that his instincts were solid, be it about people or business. So. Logan had known all of this, and he'd known it before going to Robert about the bet.

Finn had known his former friend could be vindictive and mean, but he'd never experienced it personally. Then again, Logan had gone after Laurie, and to intentionally hurt someone Finn loved was to hurt Finn. Logan had always known this. So, Finn had been forced to ask himself, had Logan's actions since finding out been about hurting Finn? More than possible. After all, Logan's deal with Robert hadn't been about the money – it had been about the right to say he'd won. To make people think he'd managed to bed the girl. What other reason could he have had?

The killer rage had risen in him again at that point. Someone he'd believed to be a friend had either drugged and raped a girl, gotten her too drunk to say no before using her or "just" lied about sleeping with her with the sole purpose of hurting him. He'd hurt her as well, Finn had realized, when an "aha!" flashed in his brain. The roommate screaming about cheating, her statement that she was in a relationship with someone and not willing to leave, only to change her mind in such a short time. His suspicions that she'd thought he was sleeping around. She must have thought so, Finn realized, and since it hadn't been true that idea could only have come from one person. Logan. That would explain how Logan would have gotten close enough to her as well...

He'd decided to leave then, needing to be alone. To stay, he'd known, would mean more alcohol, and most likely a disaster. It had been a good idea – only the first thing he'd seen when leaving his hideout had been Logan. It had all gone straight to Hell from there.

He'd marched straight up to the blond, and without a word punched him. Then he'd looked at the familiar figure on the floor for a second, kicked him violently in the groin and spat on the still form, before turning his back and walking out.

He'd still seen red when he'd reached his apartment – had in fact several times considered going back and finishing the job – and so he'd turned to chemicals to calm down. The amount of alcohol in his blood hadn't reacted too well to an addition of sleeping pills, and he'd later been informed that if Colin hadn't shown up when he did he would either have died or suffered major brain damage. As it was he'd been hospitalized for over a week.

Logan hadn't pressed charges; he'd wanted to, but Mitchum had intervened. Apparently Laurie had gotten worried, enough so to resort to calling Colin. Upon hearing what had happened she'd gone straight to New Haven, and after hearing about Logan's threats she'd talked to Mitchum. Unlike Finn however, she'd told the whole story. The fury she'd unleashed had been formidable, she'd informed him with a vindictive smile, and Mitchum had promised that his son would be set straight. Whatever the blond's reaction or punishment, Finn hadn't cared – and still didn't. As far as he was concerned Logan was dead, had been since that night.

The day after he'd been released from hospital he'd gone home to Australia, as always at that time of year. The difference had been that that time it had been for good.

He'd had a lot of explaining to do, and it had been hard – how did you explain to your loved ones that you've ended up overdosing after beating someone bloody? They'd all stood by him though – in fact, it might have been the first time his parents had agreed on anything since their divorce ten years earlier – and that had helped. He'd checked into rehab after Christmas.

Oh, how he'd hated the time spent in that clinic. He'd hated being monitored, hated having his moves restricted, but most of all he'd hated baring his soul. The therapy had been excruciatingly painful, but it had helped. Some. She had still been a hole inside of him when he checked out, and the guilt he felt for not protecting her – and Laurie – against the vulture he'd thought was his friend had still weighed him down. He'd felt a little better though.

He'd had his first major setback two and a half years later, when he'd read an article about an author whose debut he'd really liked. Turned out, Jess Mariano wasn't just the author of "The Subsect", he was also "Jess" as in "her former boyfriend Jess". Or, former former boyfriend. He hadn't been able to stop reading as the article had told him, in great detail, about how the two had been high school sweethearts of the doomed kind, only to reconnect three years later on the other side of the country. Both had been single, they'd immediately fell back in love, and had just gotten engaged. The couple were scheduled to marry in New Years Eve, only half a year later.

Reading the article Finn had realized something important: she hadn't been dating "T" when he'd seen the photo of the two. Nor had she been back with Jess yet. If he'd gone to San Fransisco as planned things might have been different. It might have been him planning this wedding... It could have been him having it all.

All bells, choirs

All Heavens organs should have been for us

All drums and trumpets

All fairytales, all wonders

Everything at once

He'd thrown the article away and tried to forget all about it. He had, too – then again you could forget just about anything when reaching the bottom of a bottle of whiskey. The same procedure had been repeated on December 31st, only much, much worse. That particular bender had landed him in the ER, and then back at the clinic. That time he'd found himself a counselor upon release, one he still saw. He'd also become a more active member in the AA. Finally, he'd realized that it was time to get rid off the naive hopes that she'd one day walk back into his life. Those hopes needed to be pulled up by the roots, burned and buried. Nothing could be allowed to remain of them, not if he was to ever be whole again.

It had been hard. Not drinking was tough, but manageable. Not thinking and dreaming about her or hoping he could have her back... That had been beyond hard, and still was, some days. He'd spent the five years since trying to rebuild his life, and the results... varied. He'd given up most of his old life when trying to build a new, working one. Laurie was still there, but otherwise he hadn't talked to a soul from his time away from Australia since leaving Yale. Well, unless you counted answering a call from Colin to explain that yes, he'd left and yes, it was for good, and sure, he was doing better. Distancing him from that painful part of his life was easier without reminders.

He'd never managed completely though, and he knew that one reason was the fact that he'd never found out – and never would – if Logan had just lied, or if he'd... Not knowing helped, at times, because it allowed him the luxury of pretending that it had all just been lies, that she'd never been drugged, or raped, or hurt. At the same time the uncertainty would give him occasional nightmares, vivid and heartbreaking.

He no longer believed she would be his again – knowing she had a son, Lucas, helped but hurt at the same time – but he hadn't managed to get her out of his head, or his heart. He still saw her as the ultimate woman, no matter how unrealistic that view might be, and no one else had been able to compete.

Yes, he dated now, had for a while, and Sarah really was a lovely woman that he cared deeply for – but he didn't love her. She knew, at least to some degree, yet hadn't minded so far. Finn thought he might end up marrying her if things continued as they had for the last year. He'd be thirty come March, and he didn't want to be alone anymore. If Sarah could live with the thought of a husband that might never love her as she deserved, then he would most likely propose within a year. And maybe, maybe he could learn to love her.

It wouldn't be what he'd felt for her, it could never be that, you could only love that way once, but maybe that was a good thing? A love that had managed to consume him so fully, and almost break him; was that really something a person should want to repeat? Probably not.

Finn stood up and finished his now-cold tea – trying hard not to notice how much it looked like whiskey, nor how much he wanted it to be whiskey. He stared at nothing, feeling empty. Then he sighed. It was a sound of resigned despair, one befitting a man many times his age.

"Damn it, kitten," he whispered into the night, "it should have been you."

Then he walked back inside, back to a life that held no part of Rory Gilmore.

Though it was such a short romance

it was something I should have understood

Chances like that come once only

Never do they come twice

damndamndamn it should have been you

damndamndamn it should have been you

~*~*~*~

Story is triggered/inspired partly by the song "Fanfanfan", ("fan" translating into "damn") written and performed by Thåström. Translated lyrics are accurate when it comes to the meaning; however the translation sadly lacks the poetic quality found in the original song. But, as the song does NOT exist in English...

"Songs of Finn and Devotion" is a paraphrase of "Songs of Faith and Devotion", an album by Depeche Mode.

The extent of my ownership amounts to exactly one copy of each album.