ziñdagi
fandom: harry potter
pairing: remus/harry
rating: pg-13
disclaimer: Rowling owns characters, obviously. I'm just playing.
word count: 568
notes: Written for thysanotus for the birthday ficlets. She wanted the pairing, post-OotP, angsty but not dark. Hopefully this is just that. Title is the Urdu word for "life". Because I watch too many Bollywood films and just like the word. It has a nice ring to it. Also, it fits. I hope. (The ñ pronounces the same way as as a regular n, I think.)

oo

This is what you do. You turn your pain into energy. It sounds ridiculous but it works. You fly up to the sky and come back down. Repeat. Repeat. You just work it off. (Or you wallow in it for a lifetime but Harry doesn't have the time to do that.)

Harry wonders what Remus does. Maybe Remus goes running, circles Muggle London in trainers for hours, until he's so exhausted he has to take the Tube home. Maybe Remus fucks.

Fucks.

Harry wants to try it, can't. Doesn't dare to. It doesn't seem like the correct alternative for him. People would misinterpret it. You don't climb on top of a school girl because you have pain to work off. Not when you're sixteen, seventeen. Eighteen (as he is now).

He has fantasies, though. Of Sirius being alive, of Remus. Just Remus.

Remus is the only one who understands him, anyway.

And Harry hates him for that and for pretending he's so reasonable and good and considerate. Harry hates him for denying what he means to Harry and what Harry means to him.

Harry hates Remus and loves him, and when Remus says 'no', it hurts more than anything. Because this thing, this huge big lump of pain that he wakes up with and goes to bed with, it doesn't concern anyone as much as it does him and Remus and they should just be together and work it off and be there for each other. They're not and that's all Remus' fault.

But Remus can't say yes and Harry can't see why. Remus loves him, has to.

Has to.

oo

Remus breathes the scent of ink and parchment, it stains his sleeve. He keeps breathing.

Tries not to think about Sirius or Harry or anyone who's left by dying or betrayed him or--

It's given that Remus Lupin is not a very happy person.

Harry asks for too much. Tempts him. Wants him. The thought is scary, alien, inappropriate in every single way. Remus knows this and so much more because he's lived and Harry hasn't. Remus has responsibilities he can't get away from. He ignores the fact his biggest responsibility is Harry.

Harry doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't understand. Harry's making everything harder for Remus, every moment he knows he's making Harry unhappy and himself unhappy but this is life. When Harry grows up, he'll understand. Has to.

Sirius. It's hard to think about death but even harder to think about life because Remus knows he doesn't have prospects.

And Harry does. Simple as that.

Remus is optimistic, really, he is.

Just not that optimistic.

He's smudging the words he's written (working off the pain with shitty poetry – where did he receive such a marvelous idea, he'll never know). He charms them away.

oo

Harry knows death but it's not close to him. It's Trelawney's fateful whispers and Voldemort's attack that he survived. It got pushed back on his schedule.

Harry is filled with life even though he's struggling with comprehending death.

Remus is the polar opposite of this.

That's what makes it so difficult for Remus and so easy for Harry to just come together. Like two pieces that just may fit.

oo

The opposite of life is not death.

The opposite of death is birth.

There is no opposite for life. No counterpart.

You work off the pain and you're still living.