cry
out love
fandom: harry potter
rating: pg-13
pairing:
ron/hermione
warnings: angst, dysfunctionality
disclaimer: JKR
owns them.
word count: 877
notes: Minor spoilers for HBP.
What else would inspire me? Crying
Out Love is a Japanese film I'd love to see. Its plot
has no connection to this. Thanks to Snow Patrol for writing songs
with fucked up relationships and sioniann for the beta.
ooooooo
He hurts her.
He hurts her with his lies and humour, all the countless cruel jabs and jokes, with his attitude and his inability to say thank you, please, you're welcome, sorry.
oo
He hurts her and she wipes her tears and goes out with a boy she hates but not in the way she hates him.
She hates the fact her hate has never really been hate anyway. The definitions get confusing inside her head, it's hard to keep it straight and plain when in reality it's all complicated.
oo
He has the ability to throw her mind off balance. It could be charming, were he not so blind, foolish, ignorant, stupid, stubborn, infuriating.
That's the worst part. She knows him, all his flaws, faults, everything. Loves him still. Can't help not to. Hates it.
Hates. Loves.
They've got themselves a sick cycle that's working just for them. They're tied together by it and they hate it and love it at the same time.
oo
She cries often and Harry's never there because even if he is a friend and a good one at that, he is also the Boy Who Lived and a number of other meaningless names that make him too busy to see what is happening to two of his best friends.
It doesn't matter, when it's Harry who's being discussed. Only Harry really matters, she knows. Them working beside Harry.
Them together is trivial. If it ever is them together, if it ever will be.
oo
What makes it all better are the nights. The Ron in her dreams apologises, takes action, lets her pound his chest with her fists, as she's so angry at the real Ron, and then he just holds her. Kisses her. Says thank you, please, you're welcome, sorry.
The dreams continue. They do other things; secret, intimate things. She doesn't need a daydream potion the following day.
The mornings are cold and Ron is gloomy or angry - or both, or shoving his tongue down Lavender's throat. Making life just the tiniest bit more difficult for her.
She bites her tongue and goes to the library, stares at the yellowing pages, thinks. It's the only thing he's good at anyway, making life difficult for her. Personal demon. (Hermione was never a fan of Muggle religion.) She rocks on her chair, just thinking, but not about the right issues. Even her blood tastes sour.
oo
She needs a wise boy, Hermione knows. Ronald is not a wise boy. Cynically speaking, none of them are.
She's not in love with a dream. It'd be so easy if she were. To fantasise and then, to forget.
But you strip them both down, all the barriers they work so hard to keep up, and they both know that's all there really is to it. Denial, arguments. A sick little cycle of spinning pain around to see where it hurts the most, the best. How long can they keep up denying what's there to continue what's always been there to hide the truth? (If it sounds complicated, that's because it is.)
The answer is too scary to be spoken because where Ron is stubborn, so is she. They could play around each other forever. They already have.
The connection is strong and it's not going away.
In her less sane moments, she doesn't want it to.
oo
He wants to think their twisted game of reaching one another without facing what's been staring at them in the face for so long will end soon but he really doesn't think it will.
Their actions contradict their goals as much as their thoughts contradict their wishes. Whenever she takes a step forward, he backs away, stumbles, falls. Whenever he approaches her, she turns a cold shoulder. It can never quite work out.
That's how they like it, don't like it. Hate it. Contradictions.
To an outsider it must appear so simple. It truly isn't, never was.
oo
She enters his dreams, too.
Ron just sees it differently. He sees her shield of cold, unpenetrable bitchiness and his shield of whatever he's afraid of – he's afraid of many things, after all. Sometimes.
oo
If they'd fuck, Ron figures, it'd be with all their barriers on, in full armour.
It might be disturbingly violent, but it'd still be Hermione and it'd still be him and that's what counts.
He'd like to try it, see if maybe it'd bring down her barrier for a moment long enough for him to actually realise it. Such an occurrence has never happened before.
oo
He'd like to try it for other reasons as well. He's imagined it so many times, multiple nights underneath his blanket.
Hermione would be as hot as she can be cold, as gentle as she can be rough. Bossy but teasing, telling him no as many times as she ends up saying yes. Not that he'd be keeping count or anything, he really wouldn't have the time to do that.
He would be anything for her. Anything.
oo
Other people have it too easy, Ron thinks.
But then again, this is what makes them special. They're going through hardships even before they're together. If they ever really do end up together.
He kind of hopes they do.
ooooooo