A Blog as Old as Time

Something Old, Something New

Friday, July 27th, 10:43pm

"Not knowing when the dawn will come
I open every door."
― Emily Dickinson

Do new beginnings always mean something old has to come to an end? That's what it feels like right now. Classes start again on Monday and tomorrow my father will help me load the car with all the things I thought would make me feel at bit more at home. I will leave the safe shelter this house was over the summer where it felt like I had finally got rid of my anxiety and not just ran away from it. The end of the summer, the beginning of a new semester.

It must sound like I'm not looking forward to going back to college, but I am. I will see my friends again (I've missed them, despite calling and texting them non-stop over the summer and the trip to New York City with Loreley, Maud Lilly and Mathilda) and I honestly miss studying. Most importantly I'm just glad to leave this town. As safe as I feel when I'm at home, the walls of this room also make me feel trapped. I've spent my entire life in here and sometimes it takes me back to being sixteen, unhappy because of so many things that I thought only leaving was the solution to my problems. Spreading my wings for the first time while running from myself and eventually breaking them. Maybe that's why leaving feels both exciting and terrifying , remembering the last time I brutally crashed.

I'll try to update this journal more regularly this time. My therapist said it's good for me to reflect on my feelings, and last semester I really felt like it made a difference. Weird that tomorrow I'll already sleep at a new place, that this is the last night I'll spend in my own bed. The thought is already making me anxious.

Three good things that happened today:
- Ordering pizza for dinner and dad trying a piece of my tuna pizza before deciding it's inedible
- Finding my very first edition of 'Fire and Hemlock' by Diana Wynne-Jones after turning my whole room upside down while searching for it in January (can't believe I looked in the drawer with my underwear but not under the bed)
- Loreley finally starting to watch Anne with an E (the new version on Netflix) and not hating it (maybe we can continue watching it together)

Sincerely,
Belle

"Go big or go home." Yang smiled for the picture Ruby was taking before she dug her spoon into the luscious mountain of whipped cream that was topping her milkshake.

"Remind me to pick the same next time we're here," Sun said.

"You'll get sick." Weiss' own milkshake was half the size of Yang's and she seemed just as stunned as Blake by the insane amounts of sugar Yang and Ruby could consume.

Blake dug her spoon into her apple pie. Junior's Diner had been their go to spot for going out ever since their first semester. There were countless memories woven into the red and white stripes of the benches, the always sticky table that even Weiss had given up to clean with paper napkins, retro signs from the dollar store and the jukebox with the Temporarily out of order sign that had been there ever since she remembered. Celebrating the end of the exam period, unwinding after a long day of studying in the library and not talking to anyone apart from the librarian, muffled conversations about relationship drama with Yang over a cup of tea. She had missed this place.

"A full Marvel marathon would take us more than twenty hours," Ruby said when Blake drew her attention back to her friends. "We should just pick our favourites."

"If everyone picks their favourite we already have about eight movies, depending on who wants to join," Yang said. "Not counting Weiss because she hasn't seen a single one."

"I watched Wonder Woman with Ruby," Weiss protested, but the only reaction she got was Ruby burying her face in her hands.

Sun stole the cherry on top of Ruby's milkshake. She never ate it and it had become a game of who could snatch it first between him and Nora. "Not that many. Yang and I can settle on Guardians of the Galaxy, Ruby loves Spider-Man, Blake wants to watch Black Panther. Three movies, that's doable."

"Okay, but those aren't necessarily the ones you have to watch to understand Infinity War," Ruby said. "What about Civil War?"

"Let her read the Wikipedia summaries. It's about understanding what makes those movies special, not necessarily the entire plot." Yang leaned back, taking a break from her half empty monster of a milkshake.

"Wait, how many movies are there?" Weiss looked confused. "I thought it was the last part of a trilogy or something."

When they left the diner it was almost dark outside. Sun, Ruby and Weiss were still discussing the general concept of comic movie adaptions. Yang and Blake let them walk ahead until their voices were muffled by the distance and Blake felt like she could finally breathe.

"Did you unpack already?" Yang asked. "It's kinda weird not to have your drawings on the wall anymore."

"You still have the ones I gave you, unless you left them at home."

"No, I brought them with me. But it's not the same."

"Yeah, it isn't." Two years of sharing a room with Yang had made the sudden change even harder. It wasn't like it had come sudden and for no reason, during their first week of living together Yang had told her she had already promised her sister to share a room with her when she got into college. Of all people Blake was the one supposed to understand Ruby's anxiety.

"So how is living with Weiss so far?" Yang ran her hands through her hair. It fell over her shoulders in soft, blonde curls. Her hair always looked good, whether she was wearing it in a messy bun or actually put effort into it. It was something Blake had caught herself admiring in awe more than once in the past.

"I'm not used to the room being so tidy. You always let your stuff lying around. But I think we'll get along."

"Hey, you never complained." Yang laughed and nudged her with her elbow. "If you want me to I can come over and leave some of my clothes on your floor, just so it feels like home for you."

Blake smirked. "Weiss would be so mad."

"Mad about what?"

Blake looked up. She hadn't noticed that the others had stopped, waiting where they had to split up to head to different buildings. "Nothing," Yang quickly said.

"Anyway, it was amazing to see you all again." Ruby smiled. "I can't believe you're all living so close now."

"Close enough to keep you from handing in your assignments last minute," Weiss said. "I'll see you for breakfast tomorrow."

"Yeah, see you tomorrow." Yang waved at them before she left with Ruby, the sunset making her hair shimmer golden.

"It's good to have you back." Sun looked at Blake as he said but then turned to face Weiss. "I'll see you soon. Don't think you can escape that Marvel marathon, it's definitely going to happen."

Weiss rolled her eyes when he had already turned around. "He does know we're here to study and not to watch movies?"

"And I thought you'd be used to him by now."

Their dorm room still felt so new that Blake could barely believe she'd soon turn it into her home for the next months. Most of her things were unpacked, but the wall next to her bed still was empty, waiting to be filled with drawings over the course of the semester. Blake lied down on the bed while Weiss finished unpacking her clothes, reaching for the copy of Fire and Hemlock lying on her bedside table even though she didn't feel like reading it.

"Didn't you have a mini fridge?" Weiss asked.

"It was Yang's."

"We should get one for drinks and snacks. Maybe I can order one from the internet."

"Yeah, sounds good." Blake put the book on the bedside table again and sat up. "I think I'll take a shower."

"Don't forget your towels."

Yang would have made a joke about her walking back to her room naked. She missed living with her.

The first weekend on campus was Yang's favourite. It was exciting to see everyone again, and with classes not having started yet everything that was left to do was to catch up with friends and enjoy being back together. Sometimes she felt like it was the only reason why she was coming back.

"You have so many books already." Yang ran her fingertips over the particularly pretty cover without even reading the title. "Don't you read the same books again and again anyway?"

"I also read new books." Blake opened the book she had been holding in her hand and held it to her face. Her eyes were closed and her lips curled up in a soft smile. "Buying a book is something special. You'll spend so much time between those pages, taking a glimpse into the life of other people, fictional or not. There are so many options and it's so hard to pick one."

Yang smiled. "I don't think I've ever seen you as happy as in a bookstore."

"It's probably as exciting for me as looking at fancy motorbikes is for you." Blake closed the book. "Okay, I think I've made up my mind."

"Great." Yang picked up her bag. "Drugstore is next?"

"Yes. I'll just go and pay for the book real quick."

"I'll wait outside."

Yang put on her sunglasses when she stepped outside. They always went to the bookstore first. It was what took them the longest, and Yang loved how it made Blake happy for the rest of the day. It was a small town, and even though Yang loved both big cities and new places, she liked that this was the first town she had discovered completely on her own. There were too many memories connected to these places to just leave it behind. This was one of the moments when she remembered that.

"The cashier gave me some chocolate." Blake stretched out her hand and when Yang took it she saw it was half of a marzipan heart, still loosely wrapped in red tinfoil. "Drugstore?"

"Yes."

Yang could still taste marzipan and chocolate on her lips when they entered the drugstore. She watched Blake testing lipstick on the back of her hand for a moment before she turned around to see if she could find a new shampoo to try out. She did use makeup from time to time, but she really wasn't as into it as Blake.

"You know, I really should try scented candles again," Blake said all of a sudden next to her. "Maybe Weiss doesn't hate them as much as you did."

"I didn't hate them," Yang said. "Screw that, I actually did. But the scent you used was horrible."

"Lavender. It's supposed to help you relax."

"It smelled much better when you just used that oil." Yang took a bottle of shampoo to read what was on the backside. "Also lavender is not your kind of scent."

"Why not?"

"It's very heavy and… I think lilac would fit you much better. Something a bit sweeter, a bit more flowery. Roses maybe."

"I bet they have lilac scented candles too."

Yang laughed. "I'll buy them so it'll make me think of you."

"Shouldn't I be the one buying them for you then?" She chuckled and turned around, taking a bottle of hair oil and putting it into her basket. It was one of the jokes she only made when she and Yang were alone, and sometimes Yang couldn't quite grasp how different she acted when it was just the two of them.

"Well, it's my birthday soon."

"I'll remember that."

"Dad called twice yesterday." Yang put the shampoo into the shopping basket Blake was holding. "He wasn't that worried when I went to college."

"You know why."

She shrugged. "Yeah." Because he knew she'd be fine. Sometimes Yang wasn't sure if everyone assuming that was a good or a bad thing. "I mean I'm worried too. But Ruby's smart, she won't have any issues following the classes, and I'm sure she'll make new friends soon."

"She's lucky she has you." They both walked through the aisles. Something about drugstores had always intrigued Yang as a child, colourful bottles that promised to make her hair shiny and beautiful.

"Do you want to grab coffee or ice cream afterwards?" Yang asked.

"Iced tea?"

"Sounds good." Yang threw some face masks into the basket. She had missed being with Blake like that. Maybe being away from her friends for most of the summer had made her that moody about going back to college, maybe it wouldn't be as bad as she imagined. Maybe she was just being melodramatic.

With Blake it couldn't be that bad after all.