THE SLAVE LEIA DEBACLE
PROLOGUE
(SCENE: The boys' apartment. SHELDON is seated at his laptop. LEONARD enters and slams door.)
SHELDON: Leonard, as someone with a doctorate in physics, I presume you know what happens when excessive force is applied to a stationary object like a door frame.
LEONARD: Shut up, Sheldon.
SHELDON: (Shakes head) Hmm. By your hostility, I can only conclude it's time for another one of our refresher courses.
LEONARD: (Throws backpack on sofa) Whatever, Sheldon. I'm really not in the mood.
SHELDON: (Turns chair to face him) Is this some sort of emotional distress?
LEONARD: (Pauses) What was your first clue?
SHELDON: Well, for starters, your deliberate neglect of the basic F=MA equation with regards to the door frame. (Pauses) But on a more subtle level, I'm guessing this has something to do with Penny.
LEONARD: (Rolls eyes) Your genius is astounding, Sheldon.
SHELDON: (Beams) Yes, I know. (Pauses) But what happened?
LEONARD: Oh, nothing. Penny just ran into one of her ex-boyfriends down at the Cheesecake Factory and spent the entire afternoon reminiscing with him while I sat there being ignored.
SHELDON: (Pondering) Did you order anything at the Cheesecake Factory?
LEONARD: What difference does that make?
SHELDON: Well, according to Penny, I'm led to understand that the amount of attention a waitress expends on you is directly proportional to the likelihood of receiving a substantial tip. (Pauses) You being a physicist means that your income is obviously limited, which means that Penny's likelihood of expending what you regard as the appropriate amount of attention as her boyfriend is likely minimal, which brings us to an inevitable contradiction.
LEONARD: Which is?
SHELDON: That you are insufficient boyfriend material for someone as financially motivated as Penny.
LEONARD: Sheldon –
SHELDON: What?
LEONARD: (Thinks) Shut up.
(The door flies open. HOWARD and RAJ enter. HOWARD throws his backpack on the sofa in disgust.)
HOWARD: I said, I don't want to talk about it!
RAJ: But you must! It's the talk of everyone down at the laboratory!
HOWARD: I said, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!
SHELDON: (To LEONARD) That reminds me. We really do need to get that door fixed.
LEONARD: (Ignoring him) What's going on?
HOWARD: Oh, nothing. It just seems that our Indian colleague here has purchased a "Girls of Cal Tech" calendar that features a heretofore unknown model who happens to be private viewing property of one Howard Wolowitz.
LEONARD: (Pausing) Okay. What exactly does that mean?
RAJ: It means Bernadette is Slave Leia! (Hands calendar to LEONARD)
SHELDON: (Rising from his chair) Really?
LEONARD: (Taking calendar) Fascinating!
HOWARD: (Angry) There's nothing fascinating or interesting about it. Give it here!
LEONARD: (Turning away) Hold on! I don't see any reason why any other Cal Tech student or professor should have restricted viewing rights to this. (Begins flipping through calendar)
RAJ: She's Miss October.
HOWARD: (Exasperated) Would you –
LEONARD: Hold on! (Pauses for several seconds.) Whoa.
RAJ: I know!
SHELDON: Hold on. I need to view this for scientific validation.
HOWARD: (Angry) No, you don't.
LEONARD: (Turns away) Well, wait a second! How come this is all over the campus but we're just finding out about it now?
HOWARD: Because (grabs calendar) it wasn't something we were aware of until now!
RAJ: You mean something that you were not aware of.
SHELDON: (Pauses) I'm getting the impression this was something done without your consent or approval.
HOWARD: (Angry) Really? You think?
LEONARD: (Looking at calendar) I really don't see what the big deal is. Bernadette is an attractive woman. So what if she decided to pose for a calendar like this? It's not like it's porn! (Looks at calendar once again.)
HOWARD: So what? So what?! My wife is now spank material for half of Cal Tech, to say nothing of what I'm sure will be endless jokes the next time we visit the comic book store!
RAJ: Oh, that reminds me. Stewart and the other guys wanted me to pass along their congratulations. They said she looks hot!
HOWARD: (Aghast) You see?!
SHELDON: Now, wait a moment! (Looks at calendar) I see nothing wrong or inappropriate here. Bernadette is merely dressed in a costume that is very popular among young females seeking to attract male attention – the always-popular Slave Leia costume. It's common in costume shops around Halloween and strikes the proper balance between seductive and slutty.
HOWARD: Really?
SHELDON: Yes. And if the presumed goal is to sell as many of these calendars as possible, one can only conclude that she has done her scientific research to arrive at the most logical approach guaranteed to drive sales!
HOWARD: Which is?
SHELDON: (Shrugs) Appealing to adolescent male fantasies through sci-fi nostalgia and cos-play hotness.
HOWARD: (Sighs) Shut up, Sheldon.
LEONARD: Good luck with that, Howard. I've been telling him that for years.
HOWARD: (Resigned) I just wish she had told me about this!
RAJ: Why? You didn't tell her about your prostitute.
HOWARD: (Angry) You are not helping!
SHELDON: Actually, I think Koothrappali is right. If you were neglectful in coming clean about your past, it seems only appropriate that you should be equally forgiving of any of Bernadette's transactions before she met you.
RAJ: Especially since this picture was taken only last year!
HOWARD: WE KNEW EACH OTHER LAST YEAR!
SHELDON: (To LEONARD) I'm not sure, but I'm detecting some resentment and possibly hostility here.
LEONARD: Again, what was your first clue?
HOWARD: (Ignoring them) And the worst part of all this is that she didn't even tell me about any of this!
SHELDON: Well, now hold on. Are you angry that your wife posed for the contemporary equivalent of a pinup calendar, or that she failed to mention to you that her photograph is now going to be considered currency among local prison populations?
HOWARD: What?! (Pauses) Shut up, Sheldon!
SHELDON: Once again, my foresight only results in my ridicule.
HOWARD: (Sits down and places head in hands) I only wish that for once I didn't have to worry about my wife being more popular or successful than her husband!
LEONARD: I know how you feel.
HOWARD: (Confused) Come again?
LEONARD: You know. Being intimidated by your woman's success and activities. I understand.
HOWARD: You're intimidated by your woman working in a restaurant?
LEONARD: (Pausing) Which can lead to circumstances that are rather intimidating!
HOWARD: (Looks to SHELDON)
SHELDON: His inferiority complex is in overdrive. He ran into one of Penny's many ex's today.
LEONARD: I'm not in overdrive or jealous.
SHELDON: Considering that by your own admission Penny's ex's usually tend to be of the more muscular variety, perhaps you should be.
LEONARD: (Thinks) Shut up, Sheldon.
SHELDON: (Shrugs) Once again, the scientist is neglected despite the truth in his observations.
HOWARD: I just wish my wife wasn't plastered all over the physics department and the scientific research lab –
RAJ: Don't forget the chemistry and biology departments!
HOWARD: What?!
RAJ: They're also hanging up the picture. In fact –
LEONARD: (Grabbing him) In fact, we probably don't need to worry about them! Why don't we just find, you know, something else to occupy our time?
HOWARD: (Confused) You mean like waiting for some other shoe to drop regarding our women's past lives?
LEONARD: No, I mean like, you know, finding our proper place in our relationships.
HOWARD: (Confused) What are you saying?
SHELDON: (Cutting in) Yes, actually I'm rather put off by the segue there as well.
LEONARD: Well, here's the thing. Howard's wife posed for a pinup picture without telling him. Penny still talks with her ex's like I'm not even there. Clearly, neither one of us is considered sufficiently masculine in their eyes to avoid insulting us like this!
SHELDON: (Pauses) I'm confused. So, you're saying that the solution for Bernadette's picture and Penny's neglect is to begin taking testosterone supplements?
RAJ: (Cutting in) Don't bother. I can tell you from personal experience those don't work.
LEONARD: No. (Pauses) I'm simply saying that maybe Howard and I should, you know, maybe think of some ways to be a bit more, you know…macho!
SHELDON: (Shaking his head) "Macho" is not a word that one normally associates with physicists.
RAJ: Or boyfriends of girls who date physicists
LEONARD: I know. But maybe…it's time we…challenged…that stereotype.
SHELDON: What are you suggesting?
HOWARD: (Confused) Yes, what exactly are you suggesting?
LEONARD: I think tomorrow we should start making some changes. If force equals mass times acceleration, maybe we need to accelerate adding more mass!
HOWARD: Sounds good. (Pauses) Oh, but can it wait until Thursday? My mom is supposed to drive me to the comic book store tomorrow since my scooter is in the shop.
(Cut to: Commercial)
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