This is the first time she's seen him sleep.
She's on her back, too afraid to move for fear of waking the huge man lying to her right. He's on his side facing her, near enough for her to feel his breath but far enough for her to be a little cold, and a large section of his hair has fallen in front of his closed eyes. She wants to move his hair, turn and relax into his warmth. Instead she focuses her attention on the near half meter of joined cracks in the ceiling.
How does the Force know to mesh her cot and his bed to the same height? Surely the Force has bigger things to guide than the meeting of two resting spots a galaxy away from each other. She breathes slowly, extremely aware of the heavy hand curved loosely on her side, just below her left breast. Has it only been minutes since he reached out in his sleep? An hour, at most?
He can't be comfortable, lying a foot away from her with his arm bridged between their bodies. The calming rhythm of his breath almost covers the hum of the generator just outside her door. Her eyes adjusted to the dark ages ago, so she can just make out dark circles beneath his closed eyes. He needs the sleep. She has no sense of time, only that this moment is important.
She ought to throw his hand aside, strike him where he lays. Nevermind the ache that thought causes her. She should take advantage of his weakness, she should-
Her stomach gurgles. His hand twitches.
She tenses up and feels another small spasm in her belly. Thankfully it makes no sound, and he still seems as relaxed as before.
She curses to herself that, of all nights, tonight she chose to gorge herself. Adjusting to the ready supply of nutrition available was proving difficult, even more than being surrounded by growing numbers of rebels after years of near solitude.
She closes her eyes and remembers the first time Poe and Finn threw away leftover scraps in front of her. Somehow she had missed this normal routine in eating real food, but when she finally saw the waste... she was angry. They were nonchalant about throwing their remaining food into the bin, until they looked up and saw her wide eyes. Reliving the memory causes her shock to resonate through her once more. They easily tossed a half-portion equivalent into the compactor chute. That could keep her going for two or three day cycles!
Every meal after, for weeks, she'd insist on finishing anyone's plate rather than throwing away nutrition. She didn't care what was left- she ate it.
Once, she felt Ben's reproaching thoughts. She had looked up from shoving her face, to see him across the cafeteria watching her with a slight wince in his eyes and jaw. It was a rare moment of eye contact. His eyes bore sadness... like he was worried about her. She had slowed down and realized she'd never thought twice about whether or not she should eat everyone else's food.
Then she looked away and kept eating. She felt when the bond closed and tried not to think about his face.
Before leaving Jakku, she had never known it was possible to overeat. There was no way he could understand that. A lifetime of starvation never prepared her for the day when food could just be a casual resource, and she certainly wasn't going to stop eating just because a boy looked at her funny.
Every meal, she finished plates of leftovers, until five day cycles previous, when she realized her leggings were tighter, and she couldn't flow through her staff forms properly in them. She looked down and realized she wasn't bony anymore. She could still see hipbones, but the space between her thighs was getting smaller. Leia had mentioned how much healthier she seemed to be getting, specifically saying Rey was "filling out", and she would have some Resistance uniforms made in Rey's new measurements.
"After all," Leia had continued while patting Rey's shoulder, "we plan on taking very good care of our Resistance Jedi."
Rey's face gets warm just thinking of that moment. She already owes so much to Leia for taking her in after the Resistance was brought so low at Crait. Leia never asked, and she couldn't bring herself to explain where she had been, or who she was with. She can feel Leia's curiosity about how she got to the Resistance so quick, when she was supposed to be far away looking for Luke. Something, thankfully, keeps her from asking. Maybe she doesn't want to ask because she misses her brother, and this would be too painful to talk about?
She feels guilt make her chest feel thick. She's responsible for the Resistance's demise at the hands of the First Order. The least she can do is not eat everything in sight. Let those uniforms go to someone else who really needs them.
Ben takes in a sudden deep breath and seems to frown, slightly moving his head to the right. She sees what he's unconsciously trying to do, leans over to him without thought, his hand on her body staying put. She lightly brushes the strands of hair away from his face.
He's so warm.
Her thoughts catch up with her actions. She's brave for a moment longer and rests her left hand on top of his right, telling herself she's simply helping him relax again. His hand feels strong. The deep etch in his face is visible from his cheek, down his neck, into his sleep shirt. Rey's heart is physically heavier at the sight of him.
If she had been able to bring him home, the Resistance wouldn't be in shambles now.
The First Order never would have focused on the medical transports in the midst of chaos caused by Snoke's death and Kylo Ren's disappearance.
Leia would have her son to offer Resistance uniforms to, not an orphaned scavenger who did nothing to have a part in their story.
Rey can't keep herself from huffing aloud at her inner thoughts as she redirects her line of sight back to the ceiling.
She knows the threadbare fabrics she wore while starving on a blistering desert had long been overdue for replacement. Knowing that and being able to do anything about it were very different. Three weeks rations for new pants? No. She struggles to think of what would be worth three weeks in meals here. She can't bring anything to mind. And, her leggings shouldn't fit after months of eating at least two meals a day.
She also knows she wouldn't choose any different path than the one she took.
She could have taken his hand... The same hand that currently rests along her side. The hand that makes her feel safe, understood.
But then her friends would be dead.
She can't make herself regret any decisions she made that day. Going to Ben was right. She wanted to trust him, and she did, she had trusted him fully. But... that trust more than wavered while being tortured mid-air.
An unconscious shudder is firm through her body and her eyes close. Ben's hand tightens, slightly pulls her body to him before his arm relaxes again. The tenor of his dream slips through the bond, and she sees black, gray smoke, vibrant red, swirling together. Her memories must be directing the shape of his dreams. She feels a surge of protectiveness, like when she saved BB-8 from the sandpeople on Jakku. It surprises her; she's only been protective of her droids, of her AT-AT, her friends...
She's protective of what's hers.
That thought feels right. She sighs, because she's fairly sure if they were both awake right now, they wouldn't be within ten meters of each other. The intimacy here was only allowed because his guard was down, and it would disappear with the sun. She tries to not let that hurt, and fails.
Their meetings happen almost on a daily basis but they're fleeting, and their days don't seem to mesh. There's no way for her to tell what time of day it is when he's surrounded by the black of space. She'll wake and stretch, only to look over and see him at a desk surrounded by datapads. It always appears as though he's been for there hours, if the state of his hair is any indicator. He'll lock eyes with her, sometimes immediately attempting to tie his tresses back, sometimes giving a plaintive "fuck it" look at his desk, clearly meant for whatever opinions she may have. The Force will connect them while he's battling a training droid and she's eating dinner. She'll try to ignore his shirtless training attire, and her incredible fear that his lightsaber will slice through someone leaving the dinner line, while trying to follow conversations rounding the table, and eating everyone's remaining nutrition. It's overwhelming.
A thousand other meetings, playing roulette with her days.
They hardly ever address each other, never crossing the minefield their experiences have created. This has become her routine. Their routine.
He's always far away. She wonders if he thinks she's always far away too.
She suddenly remembers that different planets have different star paths, so the time of day she might discern on Jakku means absolute bantha shit anywhere else. Months into her new life out of the desert haven't helped her understand the realities of space travel. She feels lost, stupid, incompetent, for the millionth time, but only allows those feelings for a few seconds. Constant negative self-degradation kills in Niima because it dulls the senses. If Jakku taught her anything, it was to persevere past emotions after allowing herself to feel them. She feels her shame for only a second more, then focuses on Ben. He doesn't twitch in his sleep anymore. Is that good, like deeper sleep? Or is he about to wake up?
They've only met across the bond after dark twice over six months. Tonight is the second time.
The first night, Rey slept hard. She knows he was with her because it was three months after Crait, almost to the day, and it was the first night she slept for more than an hour straight.
Those three months were difficult. His distant, erratic emotions had been painful meteor strikes against her psyche. She felt more lost than ever before, because of him. He took away hope for her parents, and hope for him, but she still wanted to hope and had nothing to hold on to. She was rejected, hurt, and angry. Eventually she realized she had friends who saw her despair and tried to help, and she started learning how to try for them. There were weeks of feeling his seething fury, and then she wanted to try for him. She'd reach tendrils of herself to his mind whenever the bond was a fragment open, trying to understand his side. She'd reach... and, without fail, he'd slam all avenues shut immediately upon sensing her. He kept the bond closed, with fragments, and there were no meetings between them.
The Resistance seemed to be dying- only forty survivors crammed in the Millenium Falcon made it alive, and one of those was in a morphine induced sleep until she healed herself, or until they could find her proper medical attention. No one would have made it if not for Rey lifting those boulders, and all the attention she got for it, in the midst of her painful guilt, made her sometimes wish, quietly and horribly, that she hadn't gotten to them in time. Why could she save strangers and not him?
There was so much work to do, and so many allies that didn't respond to their cries for help, and just looking at Leia being strong for everyone made her think of Ben waking up alone on the Supremacy, of the look in his eyes when she closed the ramp to the Falcon. Rose waking from her morphine nap brought a bit of joy to the Resistance, until people saw how enamored she was with Finn, who was plainly, sweetly, not interested. Rey saw parallels in Rose's rejection, so she tried for Rose, too. Her soul hurt, and no amount of jabbing from Finn or smiles from Leia or Poe were enough.
Then, one night, she slept. She didn't see him and she was so deep in sleep she didn't remember a dream when she woke. But she knows he was there, just as sure as she knows going to him was right. The morning after that sleep, she woke feeling more energized than she had since… she actually couldn't remember waking up that sure and positive before. She had felt his presence, for a breath, before it faded off. She'd started her day in a blissful haze she'd never felt before, not sure if her hunch was right but sure she'd never have to think about it again. He hated the whisper of her, after all.
A/N: Hello!! I got the idea for this story while falling asleep with my love. He's tired, stretched thin, and I usually insist we go to sleep together. He had his hand resting under mine the same way Ben and Rey were resting in this story, and I was so struck by how peaceful it was I had to get up and stay up for five and half hours to get this down. Irony, I know... hey, I'm at peace for tonight!
Chapters 1 and 2 up tonight. More to come soon!
I haven't published my own work before so I am looking for reviews! Not a oneshot, I am interested in where the story takes me. I would appreciate your follow, reviews, and support!