Title: Regret
Author: Bailee
Summary: All the regret in the world can't bring back the love we lost...M/R not quite slash.
Time line: Let's just say it's Post-Rent but Roger and Mimi were never together. She asked him to light her candle and then they never saw each other again
A/N: Nothing really, I just hope you like this, because it's kind of strange.
Disclaimer: I don't own, I rent.
5:36. It seemed like such an odd time, but could anything seem normal now? Now that he's gone. It's hard to believe that yesterday they were both living without a care in the world - well, not quite, but life was good - and now, this happens. I don't even know now how long I've been sitting here now. It seems like hours, but in reality, it's probably only been a few minutes. But fuck reality, right now reality has kicked my ass and it's not about to be forgiven.
How could this happen? He was supposed to always be there. He was the one I could count on, and now what am I supposed to do without him? He was my everything - even if I didn't even get to tell him that. He was my best friend, but really, he was always more than that. From the moment we met in 9th grade, that fateful day. I remember hating the teacher for putting them in groups based on alphabetical order. Cohen, Davis. It was inevitable. We were complete opposites back then, hell we still are, but you know what they say, opposites attract.
I didn't want to work on that project and I think he knew that. I'll never forget what he said to me that day, "Suck it up man, get over it, you can't change it so quit feeling sorry for yourself." From that moment on I had a certain respect for him and eventually we became friends, but I would never let myself give into the other feelings I held for him.
I can't say I went along with everything my parents said when I was in high school, but I certainly wasn't a rebel either, and the feelings I had for him certainly weren't praised by my parents. Scarsdale was like that, very by the book. A bunch of closed-minded idiots are what they really were, but that's another story for another time. So in the end I simply told myself that it was just the teenage hormones that was making me feel this way, nothing more, I wasn't in love with him or anything.
But slowly the teenage hormones turned into adult hormones and suddenly I wasn't so convinced that this was the case. I can still remember the day that I fell in love with him. It was simple, nothing more than a kiss on the cheek, but that's all it took, and believe me, I fell hard. I don't really know what the motives behind that kiss were, it could have been the drugs, it could have been lack of sleep, or lack of food, but in the end it didn't matter. I found myself wanting more.
Now I was past the point of trying to please my parents, after having failed miserably by telling them I wasn't going to college and I was moving to New York City to try and make it big time. I didn't care what they thought anymore but there would always be the question of HIV. Of course, it is entirely possible that we could have sex and the virus wouldn't be passed on, but really, who wants to take that chance? So what would we do, have a relationship without sex? And how well would that work, we could only do so much before there would be no stopping it? It's just not a chance I'm willing to take.
I guess it was knowing we would never be completely together is what kept me from him. I also knew I didn't not have the best track record for relationships. Not that it was ever entirely my fault, but I was not one to have a relationship that lasted more than a few months - if that. There has only ever been a few exceptions to that, and really how great were those? Hell, my longest relationship of my life lasted a mere 10 months. I could never have given him what he deserved.
He deserved the world, he deserved everything. Everything I couldn't give him. Commitment, a great life. He deserved someone who could take care of him, always be there for him, and that certainly wasn't me. I couldn't even keep my goldfish alive for more than a few days, how would I give him everything he needed? I hate that he never knew. I never got to tell him that I wished I did deserve him. You know, I've been trying lately, to live with that "Forget Regret" motto, but I just don't know if I can get past this one. I've never regretted something as much as I regret not telling him.
I regret never letting him know that he was the only one for me. I regret never letting him see the real me. I regret never asking how his day was. I regret never doing the little things that could have meant more, if I wasn't so G-d damn stubborn. I regret never letting him be enough. I regret not having him with me every night, holding him, kissing him, just being with him. I regret not letting my emotions get the best of me. I regret letting my head to the thinking. I regret not listening to my heart.
But all the regret in the world can't bring back the love we lost.
"Goodbye, Mark."
A/N: Don't kill me. I usually hate stories like this, the ones where Mark is dying, because usually I feel its enough that Roger is dying, but after reading "I Can't Believe This Is Goodbye" by luvforsawyer (a story that STILL makes me cry every time I read it), I couldn't get this idea out of my head. Originally I thought of making it more than one part, but it just kind of happened this way. I really hope you guys liked it, and even if you didn't, you should still review. :D.
Also, while I'm thinking about it, I know compared to most stories on here Roger might seem a little OOC but most people write him as the bad-ass rocker who sleeps with every girl in New York, a rebel as a teenager, etc. I just never really saw him like that, so this is my take on him.