AN: Hi guys, so this is just a oneshot (the longest I've ever written though) based on the song Do You Know What I am Seeing by Panic! At The Disco. I hope you enjoy it. There are probably a few mistakes due to the fact that I wrote bits in different orders. I've read it through a couple of times and it seems to make sense to me though!
Please read and review! I love to hear what you guys have to say and you have no idea how encouraging a little feedback no matter how small is.
Enjoy!
'I know it's mad but if I go to Hell would you come with me or just leave?
I know it's mad but if the world were ending would you kiss me or just leave me?'
~Now~
The world was falling apart. Cities crumbling; forests burning; seas rising and falling at unnatural rates. It was the end of the world. The apocalypse. And did we care? Not even slightly.
~Five months earlier~
Sam, Dean and Cas were starting to adjust to life. Cas was adapting to life as a human, experimenting with foods and TV shows and other human activities. Sam was finally succeeding at getting Cas to wear trousers around the bat cave too. Dean wasn't too pleased about that particular development, but at least Cas was sticking around.
"Dean! Dean!" Cas yelled happily running into the kitchen. Dean laughed at Cas.
"What?" He grinned, looking up from the meal he was preparing.
"I just finished the third lord of the rings!" Cas revealed.
"Did you like it?"
"It was the best thing ever!" Cas yelled. Cas mimed stabbing someone with a sword and then shooting someone with a bow and arrow.
Dean laughed at his antics. "You're mad." He said.
Cas looked offended. "Actually, I'm perfectly sane."
Dean smiled. "It's just an expression, Cas."
"Well I don't like it. What are you cooking?"
"Potatoes."
"Funny."
~Now~
"You know," Cas said softly. "I'm glad I fell. At the end of it all... I wouldn't have it any other way."
Dean stroked Cas' hair. "Well I'm just glad you're here."
"Me too, Dean. Me too."
~Four months earlier~
"Dean. What are you doing?" Sam asked, glaring down at his brother.
"What?" Dean replied, not taking his eyes off the beautiful girl sat next to him at the bar.
Cas hovered behind Sam awkwardly. "Dean we're going home and she isn't coming." Sam said. Dean and the girl barely looked up at Sam's words but eventually Dean sighed loudly. He dropped his head down before heaving himself up, fast, and kicking his bar stool away.
"Really, Sam?" Dean asked moodily as they left the bar. "Couldn't I just have one night? She was really hot!"
"I don't care Dean."
The three of them piled into the Impala, Cas complaining how he always ends up in the back.
Later that night Dean and Cas were stood in the kitchen talking while Sam continued to attempt to read every book in the library.
"Dean, were you going to have sex with that girl?" Cas asked.
"Well, yeah," Dean laughed. "That was the idea."
Cas blushed slightly and looked away mumbling, "But you didn't even know her."
"Yeah, so?" Dean shrugged. He laughed. "Cas, what's your problem?"
"Nothing." Cas said shortly, leaving the room without looking at the other man.
Dean stood staring after him blankly.
An hour or so later, after Cas had gone to his room, Dean approached Sam.
"What's up with Cas?" Dean asked, sitting down in the chair next to him. Sam looked at him oddly.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean the whole weirdness about that girl in the bar and just the general odd-ness, you know?"
Sam shook his head, "Unbelievable."
"What?" Dean asked.
"How can you not know?" Sam burst out.
"Not know what?" Dean demanded.
"You're dumber than I thought." Sam said, going back to his book.
Dean shoved his chair away from the table and stalked off to his room.
~Now~
"What I don't understand, Cas, is why you never told me sooner." Dean whispered. "We could have had ages."
"I already told you. Dean you don't know what it was like. An angel in love with a human? The idea was ridiculous. I once said to you that I was okay with being human... That was only because I thought I might have had a chance as a human." Cas replied.
Dean laughed, "Well, you were right weren't you?"
"Yes but I didn't know that. I guess I didn't tell you earlier because... You always seemed so... Not gay."
"Cas I don't love you because you're a man, I'd still love you if you were a girl. I love you because you are you. And I couldn't love anyone else. All those girls... They were distractions." Dean tilted his head on its side, thinking hard.
"Distractions from what?" Cas asked.
"The job, the life..." He paused. "You."
~Four months earlier cont.~
Around 3 AM, Dean tapped on Cas' door nervously. He paused, listening.
Cas coughed. "Um, yeah, come in? Oh, hey, Dean." Cas sat up awkwardly, hand jumping to his hair. "Uh, you okay?"
"That's what I was going to ask you." Dean said softly, coming in and closing the door behind him. He sat down on the floor with his back pressed to the door, knees to his chest with his arms around them.
"Really? Well, I'm fine. Completely fine." Cas said swiftly with a golden smile.
"No... No you're not. Cas, I can tell... There's something you're hiding from me and I think Sam knows. So here's the deal, I'm going to sit here in perfect silence and you are going to talk. Talk and talk and talk until you have said it all. Tell me everything, Cas. Please." Dean closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the door, so that Cas didn't have to look him in the eyes... To make Cas more comfortable.
Cas smiled gratefully even though Dean couldn't see him. "Dean," Cas began, slowly. "When I was an angel in Heaven I didn't have to worry about emotions. Hell, I didn't worry about anything because worry in itself is an emotion. It's not that we, angels that is, don't feel emotions, it's that we tend not to act on them and... they aren't as strong as human ones.
But then, around a thousand years ago, I came to Earth to watch over it. To take care of it. I took a human vessel and by doing that I took on his emotions. I still didn't feel them much though, I was still an angel. I didn't feel them as strongly as a human would. In fact, I barely felt them at all. That is... Until, a little less than a thousand years later, I entered the body of a man named Jimmy Novak. My current vessel. And that is when I met someone.
Dean, I met you. You and your stupid leather jackets and your Impala and your reckless behaviour and your beautiful soul." Cas barely dared to look at the man sat on his bedroom floor. "I was sent on a mission... To rescue the vessel of Michael from Hell. I fought for forty years, Dean. Forty years. And it was worth it.
When I got there you were a wreck. Messed up, twisted and ruined. But there was still beauty. It shone through you. Hope, love and light. No faith though, none at all. But I saw all that you were and I...
I fell in love.
It wasn't immediate. No 'love at first sight'. No chick flick moment."
Dean smiled.
"But it was there. And it ate away at me from the inside. I was an angel of the Lord! And you were a human! So instead I chose to stay close to you but at the same time keep my distance. I hid my emotions. I buried them. I hid my sadness when you went home with woman after woman. I hid my anger when I saw you would never love me. I hid my joy everytime I saw you.
Some people noticed, Sam being just one. People have made comments over the years but you never seemed to notice.
When we were in Purgatory and I saw you... I didn't know what to do... I was trying to save you and you were blindly running around trying to make sure I got out of there. I didn't know whether to punch you or..." Cas broke off, looking down. Dean stayed silent, eyes still closed.
"And now... Well, now I'm human. Now I'm broken. Now." Cas laughed. "Dean, thinking back on it all, I can't believe you never noticed. I was unbearably and hideously unsubtle. At times I thought you loved me too. The things you would say. The things you would do for me. But then you'd go and do things like what you were doing earlier at the bar and I'd remember...
I think tonight was too much."
Silence filled the room as both men thought about what had just been said. After three minutes had passed Cas whispered, "Okay, I'm done." His eyes looked across to the door. A pair of green eyes looked back. Cas sighed. Dean. He quickly looked away.
He was still staring down at the floor when Dean stood up and walked over to the bed, sitting down beside the broken, fallen, angel.
"Cas..."
"Yeah?"
"You're an idiot."
Dean moved in slowly, eyes lingering on the ex-angels lips before sliding up to meet the bright blue eyes. The green eyes met the blue before closing as his lips touched Cas'.
~Now~
"Do you think they'll get to us in here?" Cas asked nervously.
"Of course." Dean replied, smiling at Cas.
"Thanks." Cas said sarcastically. "That's really comforting."
"Cas, it's the end of the world. The demons are gonna get to us eventually. Let's... Let's not think about it."
Cas laughed. "Okay." He paused. "Tell me a story Dean."
"What?"
"Tell me about you before we met." Cas smiled.
"I don't have any stories from before I met you. Nothing cheerful anyway..."
~Three months earlier~
Sam slammed his hands down on the table in front of Dean and Cas. "Okay I'm glad you two are together and all but we need to lay out some rules." He growled, glaring at them.
Dean and Cas looked up from their breakfast in surprise.
"Okay, one: you can shower together. I don't mind. But please, please, for the love of God, keep the noise down. Two: clean up after yourselves. I am done with seeing your underwear and... stuff." He cringed. "Lying around after you've, uh, finished. Three: no sex on the couch, table or anywhere that I have to be. Okay?" Sam asked raising an eyebrow.
Dean smirked at Cas and Cas winked back.
"Guys." Sam said. "This isn't a joke."
"Sorry, you are right. We'll keep to your rules." Cas answered solemnly while Dean tried not to laugh.
Sam just rolled his eyes and left the room.
"Are we really going to keep to the rules, Castiel?" Dean asked, raising an eyebrow suggestively.
"Hell no. We're going to break those rules and do it with style." Cas growled back, winking at Dean.
Dean and Cas burst out laughing simultaneously and Dean stood up to take their plates to the sink, stopping to peck Cas on the cheek as he went, still smiling.
~Now~
"You aren't going to leave me are you?" Cas breathed, leaning into Dean.
"Cas, I've told you this before and I'll tell you it again: you're an idiot." Dean replied, raising an eyebrow. "Would I leave you?"
Cas chuckled. "True."
~Two months earlier~
"We have a problem."
"Sam get out! Jesus!" Dean yelled scrambling to cover himself and Cas up in their bed. "You can't just walk in here like that!"
"Sorry, sorry!" Sam shouted, spinning round to face the wall and covering his face in disgust.
"Okay." Dean said a moment later, slightly calmer.
Sam turned around cautiously to see Dean and Cas sat a little apart with the bed sheets firmly pulled up, Cas' face still flushed.
"Ahem, well, as I was saying... We have a problem. Some Demons just declared war on Earth on the ten o'clock news."
"What?" Cas asked, confused.
"As in, a demon, representing a massive group of demons, just spoke on the news. Black eyes and everything. Telling us that they are taking over and if we don't surrender they'll kill us all. So basically the end of the world is happening. Again." Sam reeled off.
"Oh."
"Uh huh."
"So what are we going to do?"
"Dean, I'm not sure there's much we can do." Sam shrugged.
"No, there has to be something." Dean insisted.
"Dean..." Cas began, softly. "I'm afraid your brother is right. If these demons want to take over then they will. Sure, there are hunters but they are probably a massive force... and we don't have any angels on our side anymore."
"Well then we gather as many hunters and fighters as we can and we battle these sons of bitches to the last man. If it's the end of the world we might as well do this with style." Dean said, looking Sam straight in the eye. "Sam... We can't just... Give up. The world, it's our home. It's important."
"Dean, we might have to." Sam replied seriously.
"No," Dean said sitting up further. "You are wrong. Sam, you have to be." He shut his eyes, breathing deeply. "What was the demons name?"
"Uh, I don't know she didn't say." Sam answered.
"So it's a she. Why is that all the crazy ones are a she?" Dean sighed.
"Probably why you're gay." Cas teased.
"Still here." Sam said dully.
~Now~
"How are you holding up?" Dean asked, nestling into Cas' side.
Cas leant over slightly and kissed the top of the younger man's head. "I'm fine. Completely and totally fine."
"Good." Dean whispered. "So am I... So am I..."
They fell silent as some people screamed overhead. Probably being stabbed, shot or ripped to pieces by some demons. The same fate that awaited them when they were found.
They hoped.
~Two months earlier~
"And we've been over this, Cas," Dean was saying as they walked down the street. "I'm not necessarily gay exactly..."
"Oh, Dean. Give it up." Cas sighed.
"Yeah, but-" He tried.
"Dean."
"Fine."
The three of them were walking into town to see if anything was being done about the apocalypse situation.
What they saw was not what they expected.
Fire was spreading across the town centre. People were screaming. Demons were everywhere.
Cas began to run forwards but Dean threw his arm out, stopping him.
"Think it through, Cas." He said urgently. "You would die and you wouldn't help anyone."
Cas looked around with a pained expression but allowed Dean to pull him back.
Sam stood a little to the side of them in a state of shock.
"How- How did this-" He was mumbling.
The three of them turned on their heels and began to walk back the way they came.
~Now~
Cas started to laugh.
"What?" Dean asked, smiling at him.
"Do you remember that time when you gave me training lessons? Just after I became human?" Cas grinned.
Dean laughed too. "Yes."
"And you pinned me down and said 'easy tiger'." Cas giggled.
"That was actually really fun. You weren't half bad." Dean admitted.
"Pfft. I was going easy on you." Cas said looking away with a crooked smile.
"Yeah right." Dean winked.
~One month earlier~
"Right. Every one listen up." Sam barked, jumping up onto a table.
They had gathered every human in town and taken them into a room underground they had found.
"If everyone could please look this way." Sam called out. "Thank you. So, um, as you all know there are some demons out there and they want to kill us. No, I don't want any questions. I said, shut up!" He roared.
Everyone in the room froze. About 100 pairs of eyes stared up at him. Dean and Cas stood a little off to the side holding hands.
"Okay, now you've all shut up please listen. Here's what we're going to do." Sam began to explain his plan.
The plan was: a team of people, the most experienced in fighting, were to be sent out to get as many guns, knives, bags of salt and anything else deemed worthy. When they got back they would share out the weapons and plan out the attack.
It was more complicated but there's the general idea.
"Sam," Dean said grabbing his brothers arm as he jumped off the table. "Are you going with them?"
"Yes I am. And you are too." Sam replied, brushing past his brother and barking out some more orders to a few surrounding people.
"Okay," Dean said, turning to Cas. "I'm going but you have to stay. I won't be long and they need you here more than we need you out there."
Cas shrugged. "Well, I don't agree but okay. I won't win this argument."
"Hey, you're learning." Dean grinned. Dean leant in and kissed Cas on the lips swiftly. "See you soon."
~Now~
A loud crashing could be heard over head and Castiel flinched at the sound. "They're here." He said slowly. He looked at Dean, panic showing clearly in his eyes. "Dean, they're here."
~Three weeks earlier~
All-out war. That's what they were in. Groups were being sent out almost constantly to attempt to fight the demons but more often than not, they lost.
Sam was almost out of his mind with worry and stress. There were few left alive after all the missions and people were constantly asking him things and expecting him to be able to do something about it.
Dean was doing to the best he could to help Sam out, to take some of the weight, but it was too much for both of them. It was too much for anyone.
"Sam I don't think there is anything we can do." Dean said in an undertone.
"Yeah? Well we can't exactly stop and let these people die." Sam hissed back.
Dean raised an eyebrow. "Sam. I'm not having a go at you."
Sam sighed, "I know, Dean, I know." He said sadly.
~Fourteen days earlier~
"I think they're waiting for something." Cas murmured, peeking out the door.
"What on Earth could they possibly be waiting for?" Dean muttered angrily.
"You, me, could be anything." Cas sighed shutting the door, quietly.
"You know... It could be you." Dean mused. "It really could be. Maybe they don't know you're human and are waiting to see if you're going to smite them all."
Cas laughed. "Well, there isn't going to be any 'smiting' from me."
Dean smiled at him.
The two of them entered the bunker and were immediately pushed up to the front.
Dean shifted his weight, "So, uh, we think the demons are waiting for something. Or someone." He added in an undertone. Cas glanced at him, worriedly, but Dean didn't say any more about it. "So I think the best we can do right now is to sit tight, kill anything that tries to get in and last as long as we can."
His words caused an uproar. Do nothing? How could that be what is best?
"Okay then!" Dean yelled. "Who wants to lead the fight then? Which of you is willing to go out there? Who thinks they could take on the demon army that has gathered at our doors?"
Silence.
"Didn't think so." He said, softly and turned away from the crowd. "If no one can fight, then what can we do but sit and wait?"
Cas stepped forwards and put his hand on Dean's arm. "It's okay." He whispered. "It's all going to be okay."
"God, I love you." Dean smiled. "I really do Cas."
~Now~
They sat, shivering, in silence as the demons attempted to smash their way in. Dean and Cas held hands, tightly, staring into each other's eyes. They didn't say anything; they didn't need to. Everything that could be said in this moment had already been said. They knew exactly what the other was thinking.
Dean smiled weakly at Cas.
They stood up and faced the door.
Together.
~Six days earlier~
Sam was dead.
Dead. Dead. Dead.
Gone.
A group of men had insisted that something was done so Sam had gathered them, given them basic training and led them out. Into battle.
None of them returned. A couple had been spotted, possessed, and badly beaten up.
But no survivors.
No Sam.
Everyone looked to Dean now but he didn't want any part in this anymore. He refused to speak to anyone but Cas.
Now there was only a group of five adults left. No kids. Cas tried to help out as much as he could but they were starting to realise that there was no way out of this alive. One or two of them were okay with it. The others were not. Or they didn't even seem to understand that they were going to die.
Every other day the demons would try to get in the door without success and every time they tried everyone would freeze and sit, in a terrified silence, listening to the noises.
~Now~
Hearts thumping wildly, palms sweating, bodies shaking, Dean and Cas remained standing, staring at the door.
~One day earlier~
Dean and Cas prepared everyone for the worst.
"The demons have been trying to break in for who knows how long now so I can guarantee that they will manage it. I don't know when but what I do know is that when they do break in, they will kill us all."
Cas looked at Dean, wondering when he lost his sympathy. Probably when he lost his brother.
The few people left were also looking at him with shock, but they also had an air of resignation about them. They knew that Dean was just being honest. He wasn't trying to scare them, he wasn't trying to anger them; he was just telling the truth.
The next day, when everyone had run out of things to say on their last days of life, they all split up in the room. They sat with the person they most loved. The person they had left. One man sat alone, his family and friends were all dead. He didn't mind; he was going to see them soon anyway. So, he sat in the corner of the room, alone and with a small smile playing on his face.
~Now~
"So..." Cas whispered, as they stood facing the door. "Any last words? Regrets? Things you've never told anyone?"
"I think I'm supposed to say something witty here but all I can think of is how little time we had, Cas." Dean sighed, hand intertwined with Cas'.
"Me too." Cas admitted. "We could have had forever."
"Not forever. Nothing is forever. But a whole lifetime. Instead we got months." Dean squeezed Cas' hand. The crashing on the metal door intensified, threatening to break through. "I do have a request though... My last wish. Don't let go. Don't let go of me 'till it is over."
"I would never." Cas said, loudly and clearly, as though it would make it better. "I would never." He repeated.
"Good." Dean said, his voice breaking slightly.
Cas turned to look at Dean, away from the door and as soon as his eyes reached Dean's face he broke down. He sobbed bitterly. Dean touched Cas' face with his other hand and leaned in.
He kissed him. He comforted him. He didn't let go of him.
Their tears mixed together on their lips and skin as they kissed and their eyes remained closed. They focused solely on the other.
And as the door burst open and the demons flooded in, Castiel and Dean held each other. Refusing to let go.
The demons fought to pull them apart but their hands remained clasped and, while they did nothing to save their lives, they did everything they could to not let go.