Pairings/Characters: Alex/Izzie (implied), Cristina, Meredith, Callie, general cast.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Season 5 (including the promo for S05E18)

Summary/Warning: A series of conversations that lead up to Izzie's death and the immediate fall out from that.

Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

Later on, if it turns to chaos...

"Thank you..."

Izzie's voice is loud in the stillness of the empty room. Cristina isn't sure what shocks her more, the words or the fact that Izzie is here at all. She hadn't heard her enter, had been entirely lost inside her own head.

"What?"

"I didn't say it before, and I should have done. And I'm sorry, so... thank you."

It's hard for Cristina. Hard for her to hear this. She can do the medical planning, the arranging of specialists, the tests, the results, the odds. She can do all of that. She can't do gratitude and thanks. Not eloquently anyway and because she recognises this and because she knows that now is so not about her, she says nothing.

"I told you because I didn't know what else to do."

The door closes behind Izzie with a soft click and she leans her back against it, slides down until her chin is on her knees.

"And, I'm sorry that I blew off the oncologist but I panicked okay? I panicked and I froze and I couldn't go..."

"It's okay."

Cristina needs to stop where this conversation is heading but seriously doubts that she can, has her suspicions confirmed not seconds later...

"No. No it's not okay. Nothing about this is okay..."

Izzie is crying, a constant stream of tears down her cheeks and onto the knees of her scrub pants. Cristina is fairly certain that she is not aware of them. It's almost more disconcerting than the conversation. Almost.

"I told you because I thought you would know what to do. Because you always know what to do. And you did. You did know, like I knew you would. You knew exactly what I needed to do but I still couldn't..."

"Izz, you really need to tell Alex."

"I can't. He's so happy at the moment, everything is going so well for him..."

"Everything is not going well for him, Izz. His girlfriend is sick, really sick. He doesn't know it yet but everything is not going well for him."

"I know..."

It is whispered, the I know... resigned and scared.

"You need to tell him..."

"I know..."

"And you need to see the oncologist..."

"I know...but...I can't..."

"Izzie..."

She looks up now, eyes Cristina with fresh determination. The tears are still there, Izzie is still unaware of them. They make Cristina feel nauseaus.

"I can't do this to him, Cristina. So much crap has happened to him, crap that none of us know anything about... I can't be one more of those crappy things that always happens to him..."

"Is it true?"

Izzie is still where Cristina left her. She stayed so that Cristina could tell Alex where to find her.

"Is what true? Alex?"

She is stalling. She knows exactly what Alex is talking about. She just hasn't had time to come up with the right answers yet. Answers that won't break him.

"Cristina... she said... is it true?"

She takes a deep breath, steals herself. There is already a look on Alex's face. It's all happening much faster than she thought it would. She wants to change her mind, she wants to take it back. To take back asking Cristina to tell Alex, to take back telling Cristina at all.

Mostly she wants to take it back so that Alex will stop looking at her like her head is about to explode... like his own chest has already exploded.

She wants to take it back for all of them, but it's too late for that.

"Alex... I'm..."

"No."

The severity of the word delivery confuses her. No? What does he mean, no? Does he know something she doesn't?

"No?"

"No, don't say it... I don't.... just don't... if you don't say it..."

Then she realises, it's a no of denial. She has tried a few of those out herself recently. They don't work. They never work. When there is cancer in your brain and on your skin and in your liver you can deny all you like but you can't run so it doesn't work.

Alex can run. He doesn't have cancer in his brain or on his skin or in his liver. His heart is breaking but you can run with a broken heart. Typically, broken hearts can run really fast.

"Alex, please. Alex stop. Please."

"Karev!"

Cristina is waiting for him. She knows he will come. She knows he will like she has choreographed the moves herself, and maybe she has.

"Get out of my way."

She doesn't. She stands defiant and taking up as much space as she can. Her hands are on her hips and she tries her best to stare him down. She is not scared and there is a bandage on her arm that reminds her. She is not scared.

"Alex. Don't do this. Not now... now is not the time...'

He's not listening, she can see that perfectly clearly. In fact, she's surprised that he's even seeing. He is shaking viciously, trembling almost. His hand are on his face and in his hair, clenched at his sides and raised in front of him. Never still.

"I said get out of my..."

It's quieter this time. More desperation and less aggression. He's winding down. She has a feeling that when he crashes, which he will, it will be a spectacular show. She just hopes to God that she's not there to bear witness.

"No. I won't get out of your way. I won't let you leave. Turn around Alex, turn around and go back..."

He's crying too. Silent silver tracks that match Izzie's in every way. Alex is crying for himself and so was she.

She refuses to look at them. She takes a step back instead. Blocks the path he was planning a little to her left.

"Yang..."

She takes a deep breath. Prepares for the fight.

"Alex, I swear to God... turn around and go back or I can promise you, you will never forgive yourself..."

"I can't..."

Something snaps in her, she slaps his face with her words.

"You think this is about you? You think I care what you think you can't do? Turn around, Alex. Turn around and go back."

"Mer... when you died did you..."

Meredith cuts her off before she can get any further than that.

"Izzie don't, don't start talking like that..."

She rounds the kitchen counter and helps Izzie down onto a stool. Gestures towards the coffee she has just made and then grabs a second cup as Izzie smiles a yes in her direction.

"Where is Alex?"

Izzie sighs and run a hand, bruised from constant IVs, through her hair.

"Asleep, finally...he..."

She trails off, like she can't seem to find the right words. Meredith knows exactly what she means anyway.

"Yeah... I know. I've noticed."

Izzie reaches for the coffee Meredith has placed in front of her, but holds onto it, doesn't take a sip. It's a symbolic gesture. They both know she isn't going to drink it. Their days seem filled with symbolic gestures lately.

"You know, when I first found out I told Cristina that I couldn't tell Alex because I didn't want to be another one of the many crappy things that have happened to him...'

Meredith looks up, curious about where this is headed.

"...but I'm going to be aren't I Mer? I'm going to destroy him."

Meredith knows there is no question here. Simply statement of fact. She is going to destroy him, one way or another and Alex is never going to be the same.

Callie is already home, ensconced on the couch with a glass of red, when Cristina comes in. She offers up a cheerful hey and gets a slammed door in response.

Cristina reappears after a few minutes, grabs at the glass Callie has filled for her on the coffee table and raises it in Callie's direction.

"Everything okay?"

"Yes... No... crap. I don't know."

There is frustration in her words, an inability to explain, even to herself, exactly what is going on. Cristina takes a long sip, feels the alcohol slide down her throat, imagines it seeping into her blood stream.

"It's so weird at work these days."

Callie nods but doesn't speak. She has felt it too.

"It must be even weirder for you."

Cristina eyes Callie, waits for a reaction, doesn't get one.

"Not really. I mean, I guess a little but... it was all a long time ago now. Hell, it seems like years..."

Cristina nods, understands. Last week feels like a year ago.

"And this... well... you don't wish this on anyone. Not even people who sleep with your husband."

Meredith sinks down onto the couch beside Alex and slides the remote control out of his lax grip. He has an open beer on the coffee table but she can see from the condensation on its side that he's not touched it since he sat down. It's the first time they have both been home together in weeks it seems. Izzie's mother and George are keeping tonights vigil at Seattle Grace.

"Why won't she fight?"

Meredith struggles against the urge to sigh. She has had this conversation with him more times now than she can count.

"You think she's not fighting?"

He nods his head and then keeps nodding, like he's simply forgotten how to stop again. His fear is palpable, Meredith can almost taste it in the air, feel it on her skin.

"She won't talk to me and she's not fighting hard enough and..."

She cuts him off because he can go on like this for hours. She knows this from previous experience.

"Alex, Izzie is fighting this with every ounce of her strength. You can't see it because you're too close. You're too close, Alex but you need to believe me. She's fighting. She's still fighting..."

"What if it's not enough?"

She knows what he is really asking. What if she dies? There is an unspoken agreement that they don't dare mention the 'd' word, but there is a saying she heard once, a long time ago, it stayed with her because the imagery was gruesome. There are many ways to skin a cat, Meredith. Many ways. She thinks Alex asking this is just him finding a different way to skin the cat. It all means the same thing in the end, no matter how you dress it up.

She thinks Alex probably doesn't want to hear about skinning cats right now.

"And by questioning that you're not fighting. She can't fight by herself, Alex. She can't do this by herself because you're right, she can fight as hard as she likes but it probably still won't be enough, which is why we have to fight with her. You have to fight with her."

"But what if I'm not enough?"

She has no answer for this because she knows that she has never been enough.

And she doesn't believe that Alex is going to be enough this time either.

But she won't say that.

They have unspoken rules about saying stuff like that.

The nod Alex gives, first to Izzie's mother and then, once reciprocated, to Dr. Bailey is enough for her to know that now is the time.

It takes forty seven seconds for the monitor to flatline. Callie knows this because she counts them, one by one, in her head. She is ready for the sound when it comes, is expecting it, is waiting for it.

It is still shocking.

She is, however, not ready for Alex.

"I changed my mind... Quick. I changed my mind."

He is reaching for something, there are too many people in the room for her to see properly but suddenly he is leaning over Izzie, compressing her chest. The monitor is suddenly making pathetic beeps in time with his movements.

"Alex..."

"No. Meredith, help me. I changed my mind."

The room had been so silent before, now it is a chasm, reverberating with Alex's shouts.

"Doctor Karev..."

Bailey speaks up to her left but Callie is fairly certain she is the only one who hears.

"Help me? Please? Meredith? George? I changed my mind... I changed my mind...I changed my..."

He is repeating his last sentence as a mantra in time with his movements. Pressing down once on changed and then again on mind. Like the only person he really wants to tell this to is Izzie. Like he is beating the rythmn of it into her, making sure she knows.

"Alex... come on... you can't do this..."

"Izz, Izzie, please. Wake up. Please wake up. I changed my mind. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I told them to do it, but I've changed my mind... Izzie wake up..."

It is physically painful to watch. Izzie's mother leaves the room and George follows, it is too much for them. It is almost too much for her. Meredith and Cristina are off to one side, the Chief is behind them. Bailey is closest but appears frozen, like she can't move, can't speak. No one is moving and no one is speaking.

Except Alex.

Callie has seen this happen before. She has been witness to this level of grief. Only last time the person who fixed it all is now the person needing to be fixed. No one moves and no one speaks and so it comes down to her.

"Alex..."

"Don't touch me... Torres, I swear to God... don't touch me..."

She takes another step forward anyway, places a hand on his shoulder. He doesn't flinch and he doesn't stop. She doubts he has even noticed.

"Alex...Alex, listen to me. You did this for her once. When she needed you to take control for her you did it. Let me do it for you."

She has both hands on his shoulders now. His shirt is sweat soaked and his muscles are tight and hot under her fingertips.

"No. No. I changed my mind."

"Alex, come on... she's gone Alex, you need to stop. You need to stop."

He slows down, but doesn't stop. His breaths are coming ragged and harsh across lips wet and slick with tears and snot. She thinks that if she can't talk him down now it probably won't matter because he will hyperventilate and pass out soon anyway.

And maybe that would be best for everyone.

"Alex, she's okay now... she's not hurting any..."

"Don't... don't talk to me like I'm one of them... I'm not... I know... okay? I know, but I changed my mind..."

"Doctor Karev..."

The Chief has moved to the position opposite Callie, on the other side of the bed. She looks up at him, meets his eyes momentarily and notes for the first time that he suddenly looks old. Old and tired.

"Why did it have to be my decision? Why did you make me choose? You made me choose and I didn't want to... I didn't want to choose this, I don't choose this... You made me choose and I killed her..."

She squeezes her fingernails into his shoulders as he speaks, closes her eyes to keep control of herself. She can't imagine having to do what he has just done. She can't imagine living with the weight of that.

"Alex, no..."

"Yes, yes I did. You made me choose and I chose to let her die..."

There is a devastating amount of truth in that.

Alex stops as quickly as he had started. Still no one moves. The air is thick and viscous and he cuts a swath through it as he strides to the doorway before turning back to them, daring them to deny it.

"I chose to let her die and now I can't take it back."

TBC