Author's note: In another of my stories, A Kiss in time- blc made a comment- something to the effect of, Sully and Perotta are on the same level, we should introduce them... and tonight, that sentence kept on tossing and turning in my head until I typed it. Which leads me to note number 2
Note number 2- sometimes, when you're writing a story, things have a way of getting out of hand. Characters don't do what you want them to do, what you had planned for them. Especially of you're dealing with Temperance Brennan and Seeley Booth...
So, on with the show! *********************
"I think you should start, Bones..."
"Why? You start"
"Bones!"
"Booth!"
Come on, guys, get your act together. People are waiting.
"Right, sorry! Ladies and Gentlemen..."
"I am Temperance Brennan"
"And I am Seeley Booth."
Thank you. Now, can you tell the story already?
"Don't get your panties in a twist, lady! We're doing it. As I was saying, I am Seeley Booth and we're here to tell you a story. A story about being on the B side of life."
"I don't know what that means, Booth"
"Me either, but she told us to say that."
If I may? You know how old cassettes and records used to have an A side where all the really good songs would go and a B side where all the not so commercial or good songs would go? You two, you are on the A side. It means that you guys have it easy. You are the main characters. The heroes. Everybody wants to know what's up with you. Every body likes you and wants to be like you. But there people that have been part of your story, that have made your story evolve, pushed it forward. And no one wants to know about them, what happened to them. Some people even hate them... But they are main characters in their own life, and I think you owe it to them to tell their story. At least a little bit...
"It makes sense, Booth"
"I know... but I feel like a narrator of a gag reel in a DVD box set of some TV show... voice off, that kind of thing."
"I know, me too. But it's not a bad thing... I always thought I had a good voice for documentaries..."
That's it, then, treat it like a documentary, where they are the hyenas or the vultures...
"You didn't choose very nice animals. You could have chosen a lion or tiger... what, Booth, don't give me the eye roll. I'm just saying..."
"You shouldn't antagonize the writer, that's all I'm saying. Don't antagonize the writer."
"Why?"
"Because right now, she is God. Our fates are in her hands..."
"Why?"
"Oh man! You're a writer. If you don't like a character, what do you do? You give then warts or cancer or you kill them..."
"Oh..."
"Yeah... oh..."
Dr Brennan, Agent Booth, I'm not going to give you warts... Can we get back to the point? I mean, I know... everybody loves a lion or a tiger, even a meerkat or a lemming. They are sweet, adorable. But not many people like scavengers. I just wanted to illustrate a point. I thought it was a good literary device.
"So... we'd be the lion or the tiger..."
"Right, Bones. I'd be a tiger... or a panther. A black panther..."
"How surprising..."
"Bones! And Hodgins would be the meerkat. And Angela would be... a bobcat."
"Ahahhh, I bet she'd like that. And Cam would be a bear- specially in the morning when no one replied to her case update emails..."
"And Zack a little parrot on your shoulder..."
"That's not funny..."
"Sorry, Bones... And Pam Nunan?"
"Jelly fish. Lady writer, point taken. As a New York Times Best Selling author I understand. I like to try new literary devices myself."
So can you guys get on with the story now? Readers are starting to loose interest.
"OK, then. Bones, are you ready? I'm ready! Here' s the story of Agents Peyton Perotta and Timothy Sullivan."
"The B characters..."
"I was going to say that, Bones."
"Well, I said it first."
"The hyenna and the vulture"
GUYS!!!!!I'm starting to think morning sickness and impotence, now!
"Now, now... no need for that! I met Agent Sullivan a long, long time ago... Is that better? Good! So I met Agent Tim Sullivan a long time ago. Sully for his friends."
"And everybody else. The guy is not very selective, Bones."
"As I was saying before the interruption: Sully for his friends. Anyway, he was charming."
"Yeah..."
"What? He was... in a Charlie Brown sort of way..."
"You know about Charlie Brown?
"I'm quite selective in what I choose to know about pop culture"
"Yeah, I get that vibe every once in a while... And I met him first, remember."
"How could I forget. You were under evaluation and I had to break him in..."
"Good turn of phrase, Bones. In more ways that one, if you know what I mean..."
"I don't, no..."
"Never mind that now. But you broke him in alright. In a week the guy was following you like a puppy, kissing the floor you walked on."
"Really? I think he really liked me."
"He did. It broke his heart when you did not leave everything behind to go with him in that little walnut shell of a boat he named after you."
"That was sweet of him, to name the boat after me..."
"It was. If I had a boat I'd name it after you too..."
"You would?"
"Yeah, because you're my Bones..."
"And that's why he set sail alone... Because I'm your Bones."
"Awww, Bones!"
Oh man! Come on, some professionalism here, please... Hello!!!! Can you stop the kissing and smooching already?
Get a room!
Guys, two words: Impotence and morning sickness!
"No, no! I mean, at least the impotence bit... I don't see the rest being all that bad"
"You wouldn't because that would be for me... Now, where were we?"
Sully sailing off on his own...
"Right. Remember Booth? You went to the pier to lend me some support..."
"Actually, no. I just thought that, and just in case you were going off with Peanut, I had to see you one last time."
"So you were happy I didn't go with him?"
"Duh! And then I didn't know how to deal with it and we just kept on fighting all the time..."
"That was not really fighting..."
"No... but we kind of lost our mojo for a while there..."
"I know what that means... And juju too"
"Juju?"
"Yes. After you lost your belt buckle on that boat, I gave you the new one for a good juju. Protection..."
"I thought you didn't believe in stuff like that..."
"I don't. But it doesn't hurt and I don't think I could deal with not having you around..."
Guys, focus, please!
"OK, morning sickness, impotence... we get it. So I guess we should move on to Agent Perotta... All that blond hair and sweet blue eyes... everything just so... sweet.."
"So sweet it will give you tooth decay..."
"Come on, Bones, no need for jealousy..."
"I'm not jealous... what? I'm not! OK... maybe a little... but what do you expect? In she waltzes, smack in the middle of a case where you're the main suspect for a while there and first, tried to take your place and then turns around and tried to take mine, bringing you some chille that I made- like it's such a big deal- it is really bad for cholesterol, you know- and... and... no, I not jealous at all. The way you look at her- at any blond thing, really... seriously, you even gave the bawana number one a raw! That was... pathetic.."
"You still remember that? I don't remember you objecting to Miss Lust rubbing her Strawberry Lust all over me... In fact, you paid her to do it..."
"That was different... I find it quite arousing what she was doing... and in any case, I thought I was paying for the information..."
"And in a sick, perverted way, for some intimacy with me... through a third party..."
"That is... silly..."
"Silly... OK... whatever gets you through the day. Can we get back to Perotta?"
"I guess. So this is where the story gets interesting. Sully came back from wherever he'd been, all tanned and athletic and exotic and, because I didn't have a boyfriend, thinking that he could come back to me and start where we'd left off."
"I have to say, Bones, it broke my heart when you went out for dinner with him. You are a very sexual person. I thought you were getting back with him- straight into the sack with him... I got so drunk that night I couldn't find my way home..."
"So where did you sleep?"
"No where..."
"Booth, WHERE DID YOU SLEEP THAT NIGHT?"
"Perotta's"
Dr Brennan, I think you should not jump to conclusions, here... I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for that...
"I'm sure there is... He was... YOU were so drunk you couldn't find your way home, but you found your way to hers?"
"Bones, baby..."
"Don't call me baby!"
"Bones... Temperance... Tony, this guy from the bar called the Hoover and she came to get me. She took me to her place. I slept on the couch, I swear. I waited for you for so long, why would I d something like that with her? Really... nothing happened"
"It better not, Booth, because if it did, you won't have thing to worry about impotence..."
"I swear"
"On the bible?"
"Cross my heart... on the bible"
"So, you just slept on her couch. Then what?"
"I thought you're not the jealous type..."
"Don't push your luck, Booth"
"I went back home and changed then went back to work. That's the long and short of it. But she chased me around for a bit. You know her. So one day, I walk into my office and she's again following me, to check if I'm OK and yadda, yadda, yadda and Sully is sitting there, in my office, still smelling of boat and saying that he's coming back to the suit and office and asking if you'd being seeing someone, if we were together. And Perotta sits on the other chair and immediately tells him that you are not seeing anyone and that you seemed quite lonely lately and that he should pluck up the courage to go and see you. I almost wrung her neck, because suddenly Sully had this stupid grin on his face and his eyes were shinning and thought Shit, there we go again. I kicked them both out my office, because on top of everything I had the mother of all headaches..."
"It served you right, if you ask me..."
"I didn't ask you... and I had some work to do... and when I got out there, he was, again in your office, leaning all over you... I have to say, I could have kicked him from here to Tibet..."
"Told him I wasn't interested anymore..."
"You weren't?"
"No, of course not. Did you even realize that since the two guys debacle and that little speech of yours about there being someone for everybody, I never had anyone else?
"I was too busy feeling sorry for myself..."
"Well, you're just a man... Can't blame you for being an idiot."
"Hey! So what happened then?"
"Well, he got stupid... he tried to kiss me and his hands got even stupider and touched me where I didn't want to be touched by him and I sort of... dotted his two iis... if you know what I mean..."
"You kicked him the balls?"
"Well, actually, I just kind of squeezed them until he begged for mercy. And that's when you walked into my office...With Agent Perotta in tow"
"And I thought you were making out with him... I could have snapped his neck..."
"And she saw right through you, that you were jealous. That's probably what gave her that stupid idea."
"Probably..."
What idea?
"Well, she decided that she should join brain cells with the Peanut and work out a away of making each one of us see the other making out with each one of them. You know, me with Perotta, Bones with Sully. They thought we'd get so mad we'd just either break up the partnership or start sleeping with them..."
Gosh that's horrible... So how did you find out?
"Superb investigative skills, lady Writer."
Oh, come one, tell us... pleeeeeease?
"No! Booth shouldn't divulge our investigative techniques... suffice to say that they nearly succeeded. I mean, I found Booth once looking into her breasts... really closely, his fingers were touching her... It was horrible..."
"It was a lie! She told me she was terrified, that she had found a lump in her breast and asked me to check it out."
Oh that's underhanded!
"Yes it is. I concur!"
"Well, I found Sully all over you in a dark corner of a dark bar cozying up to you, his hands all over your hips and..."
"He asked me out, said it was to apologize and then spilled beer and was trying to clean up my clothes."
That's not even very imaginative, guys!
"I agree, it's not. But it was working, because we were drifting further and further apart. We just couldn't see it"
But you're together now- and don't even start the tonsil tennis again- so how did you find out?
"We didn't"
"We didn't. It was Angela"
"Yep, Angela. One day, she was sitting in the resting area upstairs, in the lab, and she saw another of Sully's tricks and how it played out and, because Agent Perotta had followed me into the Jeffersonian, she saw them exchanging this fishy look, as she called it."
So much for your superb investigative techniques...
"Hey, give us a break, here, lady. At least we're telling the truth, right Bones?"
"Well, I still feel stupid for buying into that..."
"Yeah... me too."
So... tell us, what happened.
"Well, Angela called in the troops. They jimmied the lockdown system at the lab one Friday evening and we were trapped inside for the whole weekend..."
"Good times, hu, Booth?"
"Good times, Bones. Remember when we did it in your office... that was..."
Uh... sorry to interrupt you there, Agent Booth, I would really love to know the details of that but I rated this T, so no graphic details, please... kids are reading...
"Oh... OK...I wasn't gonna say anything..."
"He wasn't... he's too shy... but if you want to know, you can ask me. I'm very proud of that time..."
"Yeah... you're very athletic... very... pliable..."
"Thanks... You are amazing too!"
Can we finish up the story please? Let's not get all self congratulatory, because that's not what you're here for...
"Yes, how could we forget... Sully and the blond thing... right, so Angela closed us down in the Lab and explained what was happening and how they were doing it and called us idiots for not realizing 4 years ago that we were meant for each other and... you know, she can be very persuasive..."
"So, Bones and I, we got to do some serious talking about our... impressions of Sully and Perotta and then about our impressions of each other..."
"And then Angela said over the speakers Just kiss her, you idiot, and he did."
So you spent the whole weekend trapped in the lab?
"Yes... best weekend of my life"
"Mine too, Bones..."
"And then we decided to teach Perotta and Sully a lesson."
Really?
"Yep. Bones and I, we had separate conversations with them. You know, Bones called Sully and told him that he was breaking Agent Perotta's heart, that she was head over heals with him and I did the same with Sully. It was a brilliant idea."
"It was, Booth. But it didn't work."
"Ah, well, not all great ideas work."
"That's why we had to kidnap them"
Oh God! You didn't...
"We did. We tied them up, not too tightly, put them in Sully's boat and shipped them off the a deserted island where we sort of... shipwrecked them."
"When we're good, were good, when we're bad, we're better!"
This probably makes me and all the readers accomplices...
"Not really, but you can still be prosecuted for perverting the course of justice... Are you sure you want to know the rest?"
"I bet they do, Booth..."
You know what, if I'm asked I'll deny it. Tell me, tell me all.
"OK. We wrecked all the navigation instruments, so they don't know where they are. We left them only bikinis and shorts, hunting tools and the Kama Sutra"
"That was my idea, wasn't it, Booth?"
"Yes, it was, Bones. And we have cameras all over the island and every once in a while we check up on them."
"They seem to be happy..."
"That they do. They're all over each other. Pretty soon they should have a litter of little blond babies with Peanut's smile..."
"Yeah, they should produce some interesting offspring... Sully is very charming and Perotta is very pretty."
"Yes, she is. Nice girl"
"Hey! Anyway, we didn't leave them any prophylactics, so... they should be pretty busy soon."
Are you ever going to bring them back?
"Eventually..."
"If they behave..."
You know, I called you guys here to tell Sully and Perotta's story, sorry, Agent Sully and Agent Perotta's story. Instead, I get the story of how you two got together... this is not what I wanted...
"Do you want to try again?"
"We can do better..."
You are very independent characters. You don't do what I want you to do...
"That's us, right, Bones?"
"Yes!"
You don't need to be so smug about it... I just wanted to tell somebody else's story. And you made it about yourselves again...
"Do you want to try again?"
Thanks, Dr Brennan, but no... I spent half my time trying to get you to tell the story instead of making out or bickering... it's exhausting...
"Booth, she's mad..."
"Look, we can try this again."
Seriously? Thanks, but no thanks... Next time I'll tell the story my way... I won't ask you for any input..
"Yeah, yeah, just no impotence and no pregnancies and especially, no cancer. We've got feelings too, you know!"
Yeah, yeah... see you around, then!
"I think we pissed her off, Booth..."
"She'll get over it, don't worry..."
"So long as there is no impotency..."
"Thanks a lot, Bones..."