I own nothing from NCIS and make no money from this story! If I did own them there would be some wicked story lines! LOL! But for now I shall merely play with them and return them very sated!

A huge thanks goes to my most excellent Beta-Amy- without whom this would not be as polished! Kudos to her for her great work and wanting to work with a nut like me! Trust me! And I lover her all the more for it! She is the best!

Come by my facebook page- always a riot! Sometimes great eye candy as well! Facebook./gibbsandtonysbabe Always happy to have you drop by!

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The swaying of the train was not having the soothing effect that he so desperately needed. Honestly, he wasn't sure anything would but he had hoped that getting away from it all would stop his mind from replaying everything before it drove him mad.

He had found himself in front of the train station without any clear memory of how had managed to get there and really he didn't give a fuck. He hadn't paid any attention to where the train was headed when he blindly bought the ticket as he really didn't care where it was going and that fact hadn't changed.

He had to get away and as far as he could. Taking the train had been in an effort to prevent possible prying eyes from following him. But right know he wasn't sure that anyone gave a fuck about him one way or another.

Not as if anyone had inquired after him when all was said and done and right now that was actually something for which he was quite grateful. He felt like shit and knew that he really needed to be looked over, but that was going to have to wait till he arrived at a place he felt like stopping.

Hell, he was frankly relieved that he had managed despite the many thoughts and images that were swirling in his head, to change out of his wet clothes. He honestly didn't remember much more after watching the ambulance drive away.

So here he was on a train going who knows where and not sure what the hell he was going to do. He couldn't stop the image of the lifeless blue eyes staring at him when he managed to pull him out of the water playing on a loop in his head any more than he could stop the feelings that came with it.

It was one hell of a time for an epiphany and if he had his druthers he would much rather lock this shit back up and not give it another thought. There was no way in hell he was going to say or do a damn thing with his unspoken knowledge.

Right at this moment, he wasn't sure if he was even going to return to NCIS or DC. He had friends that would help pack up his shit in a New York minute and he could easily move on and leave all of it behind if he chose to. There was nothing pulling him back there.

He really hadn't expected accolades or praise and truthfully, in this instance, he didn't want either, but for the man himself to say nothing afterwards hurt more than he was willing to admit. And the fact that he went off on his own and in that action, broke far too many of his precious rules wasn't even worth considering. But they were the same fucking rules that had been a point of contention several times over and though Tony could argue that they were the bastard's rules and he could do with them what he wanted, at the same time, the man was a Marine who should damn well know the importance of leading by example.

The whole lone wolf attitude had pissed him off, but the fear, despair, and loss that had rushed through him when he had to choose between Maddie and Gibbs was the reason he was where he was right now. And since he was on a train headed to who knows where, he had no idea when or even if he would ever be ready to deal with all of it.

Denial was a good as place as any to live.

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Gibbs lay on the couch having refused, to no one's surprise, to stay overnight in the hospital. He needed the solitude. He was well aware that he had gone off halfcocked determined to help Maddie and he knew why. Maddie brought a piece of Kelly back to him and as much as that was killing him, he reveled in the memories that came with it.

Some that were forgotten were brought back in full Technicolor as he looked at his daughter's best friend and for a brief, heart wrenching moment could allow himself to imagine Kelly grown up. But what he couldn't let go of was the fact that he had seen his girls…felt them deeper than he had ever felt them before and they had told him to go back.

He had so desperately wanted to go to them…join them finally, but as much as they were directing him to go back there was something pulling him back, something that he was not ready to let go of. There was no way that he could deny what had been simmering for years, but at the same time he wasn't sure he was ready to do anything about it.

There were good reasons, very good reasons that he kept using to convince himself that inaction was by far the best course of action. But now…after seeing his girls there were other voices telling him to stop being an idiot and a chicken shit and take the bull by the horns.

Before he could even entertain that idea, there were many things he needed to set straight. Things that he had let go on for far too long and honestly, he hoped that it wasn't too late. Hell, he hadn't even thanked the man for having his six even when he hadn't asked for it, or for saving Maddie's life as well as his own.

He had a great deal to make up for and if the lack of appearance by the man in question was anything to go by, he had a lot of work ahead of him. He just needed to figure out if he started at work or with the personal. He wanted to get this right. It was too damn important not to, so much was at stake.

For once, he was going to invite someone in, someone to talk to and play the devil's advocate. He never willingly invited people in his personal life and opened up but for this, he was willing to do just about anything.

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"Clear!" Someone shouted before the paddles were placed on the inert body on the operating table. His injuries were serious and they were all concerned that he wasn't going to survive surgery.

"Come on…hang in there…you can do it." Dr. Brandt was doing his best to encourage the man. Silence briefly filled the room for a millisecond before the heart monitor came to life. "Thank God. Let's close him up and get him in a room so we can monitor him closely."