Scott Pilgrim and the Unfinished Business
Vengeance.
That was all Simon Lee (Age: 24, Rating: Obsessed) could think about. Well, besides Kim Pine. Kim...her beautiful face still haunted him; he could still hear her snarky laugh, and see her deadpan expression, and her cute freckles. He remembered then the time he'd had the glorious privilege of holding her in his arms.
Then he remembered him.
Scott Pilgrim.
That name was the thing he hated most. Scott Pilgrim, the brown-haired punk who punched his lights out, and stole his girl. Scott Pilgrim, who doubtless now still held Kim in his cruel grip, laughing. Simon remembered how he used to be weak, no match for the accursed Pilgrim boy. But he'd trained. And that mysterious man had told him where Kim was, where Scott was. Learning martial arts from some of the finest men in Ontario, and perfecting his katana skills, he would be now more than a match for Scott. Not to mention the latent powers he'd developed… And he'd not only claim Kim once more, he'd finally destroy that ridiculous parka Scott insisted on wearing. What kind of jerk wears the same coat since he was twelve? He thought.
With these thoughts in mind, he took the next bus to Toronto.
Later, in Toronto.
Scott Pilgrim, the world's most awesome 24-year-old, (or so he thought) was spending the day in Chinatown with Ramona Flowers, his gay ex-roommate Wallace Wells (Rating: pretty darn gay), and his friends Kim Pine (Rating: snarky) and Young Nei—er, sorry, Neil Nordegraf (Rating: wait, who?). Sitting in the basement restaurant of a mall, the friends were discussing the events of the previous six volumes, as they ate their Chinese food.
"So, Scott, I'm curious. Just which high school memories did Gideon tamper with?" asked Ramona, in an incredibly innocent but somehow edgy tone.
"Um, well…" began Scott.
"He evidently tampered with Scott's memories of being a bit of a jerk." interrupted Kim.
"Scott!"
"Calm down, Ramona. He just punched out a guy who was dating me at the time, and then we started dating."
Scott, visibly uncomfortable, rushed to his own inadequate defense.
"I…it's not…I was…kind of…lame justification?"
Kim, noticing Ramona's worried expression, explained Scott's lousy explanation.
"He accepted his mistake back in volume 6 when he fought his evil doppelganger or something. Scott's still embarrassed about it, though."
"It's alright Scott. Heaven knows I screwed over enough people in my time." Ramona noted sadly.
"Still," Wallace chimed in, "I wonder whatever happened to that guy?"
"Yeah," agreed Neil. "I hope he still doesn't hold a grudge against you or anything."
"Guys," said Scott, "If he did, I would have seen him by now—"
But whatever else Scott might have said was lost in the sudden interruption of a flash of lighting and the sound of a katana slicing through a doorway.
"MISTERRRRRRRR PILGRIM! DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOU HAD ESCAPED MY WRRRRRAAAAAAATTTTH!" boomed a voice.
"Oh don't tell me Matthew Patel's back from the dead…" moaned Scott.
"Yep, same entrance speech style. Do they always have to scream?" agreed Wallace.
"I just had to bring up an ex, didn't I?" lamented Neil.
Then the man with the katana entered.
Scott's jaw dropped. Here was the face of one of his greatest mistakes staring back at him.
"Remember me, Scott? When you punched me out, I looked just…like…THIS!" the man crowed, and flashed a photo of himself in high school.
"Well, Scott, looks like the past has come back to bite you. Again." snarked Kim.
"S-S-Simon?" choked out Scott.
Simon ignored him. For there, seated across from his most hated foe, was the girl of his dreams: Kim!
"Kim! I have waited for our reunion an eternity! Such a shame that such a brave woman like you fell to this creep's circle of what I can only charitably call friends."
"Simon, it's over between us." stated Kim.
"So, Pilgrim finally seduced you, didn't he? With his fighting prowess, and that hideous coat! More of a man, was he? I AM A REAL MAN, KIM! I've been trained in the art of the sword by some of the best! I am not only his equal, but his superior! And now, Pilgrim dies!"
Ramona got up and confronted Simon.
"Scott isn't dating Kim anymore. He's dating me. He fought for me, and he loves me. He's not wrapped up in revenge like you, and if anything he's more than atoned for what he did."
"And who are you supposed to be, another one of his harem?"
"I'm Ramona Flowers. I'm 24 years old. And I love Scott, even though he can be an idiot. And he doesn't keep a harem."
"Now her seventh ex-boyfriend, he knew something about harems." quipped Wallace.
"Wallace!" shouted Scott, Kim, Ramona and Neil in unison.
"Sorry." he muttered sheepishly.
Simon smirked.
"I'll spare my fair lady Kim the sight of the bloodshed, so I won't kill you now. Instead, since I can clearly see she's brainwashed, just as he told me, I'll kidnap her now. You've got 5 days, Pilgrim! Then we fight at No-Account Video! That's Thursday, not that I'd expect you to know how to count; after all, you weren't smart enough not to mess with ME!"
He grabbed Kim, and vanished in a flash of lightning.
Scott sank to his knees, on the verge of tears.
"I've failed again. I can't ever put my mistakes to rest. Now, they've hurt one of my closest friends."
Ramona wiped the beginnings of a tear from Scott's eye.
"Scott, grow up! If you could face the League of Evil Exes, facing your mistakes can't be any harder!" she chided.
"You're right." agreed Scott. "Wait a minute, who on earth could Simon have meant by him?"
Suddenly, a look of horror gripped Ramona's face.
"No…it couldn't be…"
"Ramona," said Scott, "it seems Gideon had one last plan…"
Sunday morning.
Scott had not slept well the previous night. He dreamt about Gideon. Gideon taunted him as Simon moved closer and closer towards him.
"Well, buddy? Aren't you going to say something? Aren't you going to say this isn't your problem? That it's not your fault, you were young, that your heart was an open book? Live and let die, Scott."
At that moment Simon's sword had been above him.
"Live and let die."
The sword ran him through, and then he woke up.
"Damn it!" muttered Scott.
Later.
Scott and Ramona were sitting on a park bench, eating ice cream. Ramona noticed Scott's haggard, tired expression.
"Didn't sleep well, Scott?"
"Of course not!" burst out Scott. "I dreamt about Gideon! And Simon! And Gideon kept making Paul McCartney references!"
"The Beatles era McCartney or Wings era McCartney?"
"Wings! He kept quoting "Live and Let Die" at me!"
Ramona giggled.
"Not funny, Ramona! I am in serious trouble right now! This guy is an evil ex waiting to happen!"
"Scott, Scott, Scott. You can't change the past, but you've got to make it up to this guy. I mean, what you did was pretty low."
"Ok. But one thing's bothering me. Why would Gideon tell Simon about Kim and I being in Toronto? Wasn't he prepping The Chaos Theatre?"
"Whatever." said Ramona. "Doubtless we'll all hear it when he decides to monologue for, like, half an hour."
Elsewhere…
Simon was walking around the apartment he'd rented, with Kim chained in the corner beside him.
"Mmphmmhpmmhmphmmpmhmpmhpmpmh!" muttered Kim through her gag.
"I'm sorry, darling, what was that?" he said, removing it.
"I said, "You deluded freak, I can't believe you still think it's like it was in high school!"
"What, are you trying to tell me Scott won't show up? Because he will."
Simon put the gag back and kissed her.
"Easy now, my angel. Soon we can be together…forever. And it's all thanks to him…"
He paused for effect.
"Gideon Gordon Graves."
Kim's eyes fluttered wide with shock.
Somewhere else…
"Cut! Envy, can you work a bit more emotion here? This is the saddest scene in the film!"
"I'll try."
Envy was still in Toronto. It turned out that Gideon, that jerk, had somehow snuck a little clause into her contract that forced her to complete one project for a subsidiary of his. That project was a movie. A sappy drama that she felt was utterly beneath her.
"Envy, you've done enough today." said the director. "We're going to focus on the subplots for the next few days, so you have till Friday to yourself."
Envy smiled. A little shopping, some downtime, and the Toronto nightlife—perfect.
"I won't need security, by the way." she said, leaving.
Changing the focus yet again…
Monday
Scott was desperately trying to distract himself. But it was no use. Every game he played, he could see Gideon and Simon leering at him. Every song he listened to seemed to be saying "Simon…Simon…Simon." Eventually, Wallace had enough of his ex-roommate's depression.
"Scott, you were like this for like, half of volume 6. Wilderness. NOW."
Scott got the hint.
Pretty soon after, he and Ramona were on a bus up north. They had decided to go to Ramona's dad's place for some quiet contemplation.
When they arrived, Scott breathed a sigh of relief.
"Maybe Wallace was right. Maybe I do need some time away from myself."
Ramona smiled.
"I understand how you feel. You probably don't know how mad at myself I am for hurting as many people as I did."
"It's not your fault they turned evil." replied Scott.
"And it's not your fault Simon turned evil. He did that himself. It's your fault for beating him up. You should maybe try to make amends on Saturday."
"I hope this doesn't turn into another evil ex fight."
"Let's forget it for now." Ramona said, leaning in for a kiss.
Scott was all too happy to oblige.
Tuesday
Kim was alone in the room. She thought about calling for help, but realized no one would ever hear her, especially not through the gag. On the surface she hated Simon. What a jerk! He's kidnapping me in a-a crime of passion! she thought. Below her cynicism and sarcasm, though, she felt kind of guilty. I screwed him over royally. But the poor guy doesn't even know it! I have to apologize. I can only hope Scott can reveal to Simon what a creep Gideon was before he does some serious damage.
Meanwhile, in a trendy nightclub.
"So you're still in Toronto, Envy? I thought you would have ditched this place by now."
Julie Powers had somehow gotten Envy to join her for a drink.
"I would have, if wasn't for Gideon."
"Gideon? Didn't that lamer Pilgrim kill him?"
"Yes. But he rigged my contract so that I have to make one film for his estate."
"Sucks."
"Yeah, I know. But it's nice to have some time to kick back. Director doesn't need me till Sunday."
"Maybe you'll run into Scott, then."
"Jeez, that would be awkward. I still think he kinda thinks I'm an idiot for dating Gideon."
"You were."
"Well, I knew that…"
Wednesday
Scott woke up and saw Ramona standing over him.
"Ramona? What's wrong?"
"Kim's parents are standing outside my door demanding you come see them and tell them what you've done with her."
"Boy, this is going to be a tough one to explain."
In short, Scott did explain. Scott also got the lengthiest lecture of his life about not punching people to steal their girlfriends. Ramona was giggling, though trying to hide it.
"Well, that could have gone better." muttered Scott.
"I've never seen Kim's dad so ticked!" replied Ramona.
"You've never seen Kim's dad before!"
Wednesday
Envy sat in her trailer. Quietly, she laid back.
And she thought.
Why can't I get this right? Is it because I don't care about the film?
She blinked.
No kidding I don't care. Gideon got me into this mess. Why did I ever get involved with him? Ok, fine. He was rich, good looking, and powerful. He was also a total dick. Is that what I'm reduced to?
A little voice inside her head added: As if you hadn't been reduced to it while dating Scott and Todd.
She dispelled that thought.
Scott was never that big a jerk. I mean sure, he broke up with me when he started that fight. But Todd, Todd was a creep. I guess I date these guys because…well, deep down I'm still Natalie V. Adams. Call yourself something different, but you never totally change. And I wanted to change. I wanted to be bad. Show the world I didn't care. And the world took me and loved me. No. That's not it. They loved my hate. Hate sells. And while I'm surrounded by all this celebrity and glamour, just once it might be nice to be my old self: a simple, down-to-earth anime fan. Hmm. Maybe I'll go buy one DVD at No-Account Video. I mean, it wouldn't hurt to do it.
Thursday
This is it, thought Scott. Time to face my past once and for all.
Scott threw open the door to No-Account Video. Simon stood at the end of the room, katana laid lazily across the back of his shoulders. Kim was chained up to a rack in the middle of the store.
"So, Pilgrim. You finally showed up."
"Finally? The store doesn't open till 10! I'm on time!"
A cruel smile crossed Simon's face.
"WRONG, PILGRIM! YOU'RE OUT OF TIME!" he screamed.
He charged, swinging his sword. Scott whipped out the Power of Understanding, parrying it with little effort. Scott couldn't resist tossing out a comeback, however:
"Mine's bigger."
Kim's eyes fluttered open, and her jaw dropped.
"Did you actually come up with a good comeback, Scott? Is Duke Nukem Forever out today?"
Simon laughed maniacally, charging again and again, resulting in a sword fight.
Scott countered his blows, yelling:
"So did Gideon send you, or did you turn into a jerk yourself?"
"He told me to claim my revenge if I didn't hear from him in a week."
"You don't know what Gideon's like! You didn't hear from him because I was busy taking him down! Gideon was a monster! Do you have any idea what he was doing?"
"Can't be much worse than what you did to me!"
"First of all, he changed my memories so I thought you were bad! Then he impaled my girlfriend on a sword just for laughs! And then, he offered everyone a drink when I was dead the first time!"
"Well that's good. I'll have the pleasure of making you…double dead!"
Simon tried for an overhead slash, but Scott knocked the sword from his hands.
"I don't want to fight you, Simon! I'm sorry!"
"Not as sorry as you're going to be!"
Scott noticed that Simon was totally unarmed.
"What are you going to do?" asked Scott. "Kick my sword?"
All that could be heard in the room was Simon's laugh.
"You fool, Pilgrim! Did you really think Gideon would have let me do this if I didn't have powers?"
Simon's head began to glow.
"What? The Glow? But…that's impossible! Gideon used that for psychological warfare!"
"Why do you think I've been hunting you, Pilgrim? All I know is anger. But the Glow is the source of my power. For through my anger, I can make movies reality!"
Scott sighed.
"What, was it too much for you to fall into a vat of radioactive film?'
"I think it's time you tasted my power." Simon reached over and grabbed a film at random.
To Scott's horror, it was The Terminator. Suddenly, he found himself face-to-face with the titular robot killing machine.
"I'll be back!"
"Not if I have anything to say about it! That catchphrase is lame! It's in every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie! USE! A! DIFFERENT! LINE! YOU! METALLIC! PIECE! OF! GARBAGE!" Scott yelled as he chopped the robot to bits.
The fight progressed as Scott fought ninjas, demons, ninja demons, midgets in duck suits, zombies, giant spiders, The Harlem Globetrotters, robots, pirates, and Leslie Nielsen. Eventually he had fought his way over to Kim, but Simon blasted him back using a copy of Twister, then a copy of Jurassic Park.
Then Envy walked in the door.
"Scott?" she asked, bewildered to see him with a huge sword in his hands fighting dinosaurs.
"Envy!" called Scott. "I know you won't want to, but please, I need help! This guy can use the powers of the movies as weapons!"
Simon caught her eye, as she saw him grab a volume of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.
No! thought Envy. If he uses that, he could become a god! Or worse, force us to wear maid outfits and be groped!
This called for drastic measures.
"SECURITY!" Envy shrieked at the top of her lungs. Instantly, Simon was buried in armed guards.
"Well, that was convenient." remarked Scott.
He walked over to Kim, cutting off her chains.
"Thanks Scott. Wait until after the dinosaurs have destroyed the place."
Kim then stopped and turned to the now subdued Simon.
"Simon, I know you're mad. But it's not entirely Scott's fault. It's mine. I went with him, when I should have supported you. But I didn't have the guts. Don't let Gideon's Glow hold your mind prisoner! You're good deep down, damn it!"
With that, she kissed him.
Simon's head stopped glowing.
"T-thank you, Kim." he muttered.
Then he turned to Scott.
"Mercy, please, Pilgrim! I've been a fool!"
"No, you haven't been. You fell into Gideon's trap. He tried to make you like him, full of hate. But deep down, you're not a bad person."
"I suppose," said Simon, turning to Kim, "you're not in the mood for a date, but…could I take you guys out for ice cream?"
"Sure." said Scott and Kim.
"What about you, Envy?" asked Kim.
"Count me in. But first I want to buy something horribly violent, depressing and Japanese."
"Evangelion?" asked Kim.
"Sure."
Later, as they all sat eating ice cream, Scott thought to himself:
I can't change the past. But I can change what the past will do to my future. I had to set things right, and I think I did. At least, Simon isn't mad at me anymore. I wonder what my future holds…
Just then, Ramona walked in.
"Oh hi, guys! Mind if I join you?"
The future just got a whole lot brighter, thought Scott, smiling as he took another bite of his ice cream.
END.