Title: Time Enough for Understanding
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slash/Drama/Angst
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and whichever title, place here and all characters belong to their respective owners, up to and not discluding J. K. Rowling, and Scholastic Books, among others. I make no money from this, and am only doing this for the pure enjoyment of writing. Don't sue. Blood + Turnip =… Do the math folks
Notes: I wrote this as a companion to the monologue for my summer English project. Plus, I wanted to get into Harry's head. This is the companion piece to Question For Another Day.
This is Slash people. Meaning male/male love type feelings. All right? If you don't like, don't read and don't flame. I'll just use it to make some of that bottled Death Snape is always talking about. K? Good. Criticism is welcome and appreciated.
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Time Enough for Understanding By Lady Akita----------
I know you don't believe me when I say that I know how this is supposed to play out. I do. I haven't just pushed everything off to the side to play hero. I just don't want anyone else to get hurt. My life isn't as important as you all seem to believe it is. Dumbledore is more important; you are more important. Its just, why can't you see that? You are so important to all of this, and yet you just rant at me about it all.
Don't you understand? It's a simple question we both ask, over and over again. How else can we understand one another? It really isn't as easy as some would make it out to be. Not at all. How do we know what to push, how to go too far? I don't know. Though I do know that I went too far tonight. Those words are not my own, but they came from my mouth. Maybe it's just left over sarcasm from his last ploy. Could be. But why won't the question leave my mind?
Could those actually be my thoughts? Could I actually believe that you are an evil greasy old bastard? NO, you couldn't be that to me. I know you far too well. You seem to think that I enjoy breaking the rules, or at least that is what I get from my understanding. I don't though. That's just the way I've found to accomplish my goals with the least amount of pain for everyone involved.
At least, that's what I keep telling myself. You seem to believe that I am lying to myself. Perhaps I am. But that is how I have chosen to survive. If pushing the truth away will cause everyone less pain, then so be it. I'm willing to be hurt. Just so that no one else is. Especially not you.
Why do I think that? Why do my own thoughts betray me; make me seem like I'm living in some trashy romance novel? What do I hide from myself? I wish I knew even as I curse the day the reasons become clear. Even as…
Why did your eyes glitter like that this evening? Have I found a way past that mask? Have I found a way to cause you emotional harm? Please say no. I don't need that type of power. Not at all. I have too much as is over these idiots who have decided that I am their savior.
God! Will they not get over that night? How many more times so they think I can live through the death of my parents? Do I not live through it enough every time my scar burns and my vision blurs? Every time he kills another innocent? What do they want from me? I was only an infant! A year old! Do they believe I am some child prodigy?
Thank goodness for you. In the face of all of that, I need someone to ground me. Now I realize why you treated me like that when we first met. You have done that so easily, so many times, for me, what with your snippy comments and back handed remarks. You are a blessing that I don't believe I deserve.
Is that how I truly feel? It can't be, you are my old teacher, my comrade in this endless struggle. Our union was strictly for the partnership we possess, not for...for this! It can't be truth. It can't be…
Why must life be so unfair?! I don't want this. It's too much of a liability. It truly is. If something were to happen to you because of how I feel…it would be unacceptable. The war would be lost without you.
I would be lost without you.
There. I've done it. I've faced the truth. You've gotten what you've wanted. The great arse baby I've been has disappeared. I've faced the truth. But how do I deal with it? How can I? There is too much at stake here. If…oh, there are too many ifs in this story now.
How is the only question I can ask, and yet still I don't know how to deal with it. I can't think of anything right now but being safe in your arms, hidden from the truth that seeks to destroy me. But I can't seek that comfort now. Not after what I have done. That would be too much for me to ask of you. Far too much.
But here I find myself, standing in front of our doors. Ours. Only in mockery. But I can't stand here all night. Already I am getting curious glances from those heading back to their dormitories. I cannot let anything seem amiss, so I just wave and smile at them before opening the door and taking two steps inside. The door closes behind me, and you look up from where you were staring into the fireplace, your wine glass held gracefully within those elegant hands.
Our gazes catch and you stand, wine glass now on the nearby table. Your face has a look of wonder to it, and I draw back in shock from the vision before me. Although the first impression I had ever had of you has changed, I've never truly understood your beauty until now, this moment. Black coal glitters from amidst your deep onyx eyes as your equally colored hair falls wistfully around your face. I am comforted and shocked by the sight of you and although I draw back, I want to move forward into your embrace.
The decision I had to make is already made before the thought can even form in my mind. As your arms settle around my body, I find myself safe at last. All questions leave my mind, the answers unneeded where I am at this moment. You refuse my offer of an explanation, saying there be time enough to speak of everything that has been left unsaid for too long.
I find myself agreeing as I drown in your embrace. Tonight there will be peace. There will be time enough in the future to set ourselves straight. Tonight we rest together in peace.
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Qwari – The End
I hope you liked it. :)