A/N: Wow, 200 was AMAZING! AJ was flawless! Paget was awesome!

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR 200 IF YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN IT!

I have this prolonged feeling of sadness over JJ's baby. I can feel it in my gut. My view of her is changed because the pregnancy was SO unexpected, and I thought they were never going to touch on another storyline like that. JJ is such a private person that seeing her go through that on screen was a real hard hitter for me. Seeing her crying broke my heart. So now, she seems much smaller and more vulnerable to me, yet so much stronger because of it. It's so hard to explain how I feel, but there, I just did the best I could possibly do.

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.

May 2011

Curled up on the bunk with her knees pulled up to her chest, Jennifer Jareau felt like she couldn't breathe as she stared wide eyed at the wall of the quarters.

She'd been released from the hospital just a few hours earlier, and had been brought back to the sleeping quarters in a daze by a very calm and compassionate Mateo Cruz. He had left her alone, promising he would be back later to check on her.

Somehow, he had arranged for her to have the remainder of the day to herself. They both knew she couldn't be away from the task she was assigned, but Matt also knew that JJ needed some time alone to gather her thoughts.

Her brain was stuck on standstill. She couldn't seem to function any longer. Nothing was processing, it was like she was stuck in a haze.

Here she was, trying to protect her country, her family, everyone she loved, and she couldn't even protect the tiny life that had been growing inside of her.

At that thought, a choked sob escaped her as her hand wound its way to her flat stomach, resting lightly against her lower abdomen.

Tears spilled over as she thought of what that baby might have become. She didn't even want to fight them back. All she wanted to do was curl up and cry.

Thoughts of Will ran through her head. The conversation they'd had regarding having another baby. How they had tried so many times and been unsuccessful.

They had finally managed to create a precious little life, and all too quickly, it was ripped away from them. They could have had another baby...maybe a little girl...

There was no way she could tell him. He'd never even known about the pregnancy in the first place. It would break him so badly for her to tell him now. Get his hopes up and crush them flat again in two seconds.

No way. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

Hearing someone come into the quarters, JJ quickly tried to stem her tears. Everyone was under the impression that she was still feeling unwell from the explosion; she didn't want someone to find her in near hysterics.

"Agent Jareau?" said a familiar voice, filled with concern and kindness.

"I think after everything, you can call me JJ," JJ muttered through her tears, not even bothering to turn and look at Matt as he sat down on the edge of her bed.

"JJ," Matt started, as if testing out her nickname for the first time. "I just wanted to see how you were doing"

Pushing herself up, JJ turned to face him, her eyes wet with the tears she'd cried.

"How I'm doing?" she asked in disbelief, her voice rising. "I lost my baby," she hissed, mindful of the volume she was speaking at; no-one else needed to know. "I lost my baby, I'm here trying to help protect my country and I couldn't even protect the life I helped create"

Reaching out, Matt placed a gentle hand on her shoulder as he watched the tears cascade down her pretty face.

"JJ...I'm so sorry...I wish there was a way to go back and change it," he said gently.

"Please," JJ whispered, her voice barely staying even. "I need...I just have to be alone"

Matt nodded, giving her shoulder one more squeeze before standing up and moving slowly to the door. As he stepped outside into the hot Middle Eastern sun, he cast one last fleeting glance at the broken blonde who had once again curled up on her bunk.

"How is she?" Strauss asked, approaching him from the other side of the road.

Matt shrugged his shoulders. "So so. Said she should be ok tomorrow but just wants to be left alone to rest right now"

Strauss nodded, turning away from Matt and starting to walk towards the main communications tent.

"Come on," she called over her shoulder. "We have so much to do"

Hearing Matt start to walk away, JJ squeezed her eyes shut, tears falling out onto her pillow as she wrapped her arms around her taut stomach.

She was so alone in this. So alone.