Song suggestion: Taylor Swift "Wildest Dreams" Slow Ballad Piano Cover by Nuetful
Back Alley: Doll
The streets of London had always been cold for as long as he could remember, it was dirty too, smelt like rust and waste, and cursedly dark all year round, be it day or night. Food was scarce, clean water rare, even the air was contaminated by the spread of disease. Life was short, people died every day. The rich were too rich, the poor too poor, nothing seemed fair. They had their carriages and fur coat, fine dining near the fireplace when he didn't even have a roof over his head. That was the way the city ran, tall brick walls that separated one class from another. It's alright, he wasn't particularly envious, and how could he, when he never knew better.
The lady in the orphanage had told him that he was found in a dumpster in the middle of winter with a cloth wrapped tightly over his face. Even the policeman who found him later was surprised that he was still breathing and was able to cry as loud as he did. He must've really wanted to live, they would often say. That's how he has always been, surviving.
He was ten when some of the bigger boys forced him into sex. By thirteen, he had enough. He ran away to the city, thinking if his body was going to be used, he'd at least get paid for it. It didn't really made much of a difference when he left anyway, he'd probably be selling himself on the street then too, like his mother did, most probably, maybe he'd even run into her someday.
It's really not that bad.
"Mister, would you like to spend some time with me?" he asked, putting out a little tattered gloved hand.
"Sure, let's take a walk," the scruffy looking man said, putting one arm around his fragile shoulders before leading him deeper into the alley.
"Here's good," the man stopped, pushing him into a semi enclosed corner, causing him to grow nervous.
"It's too dark," he struggled frightfully.
"Quiet!" the man hissed, stuffing his mouth with a handkerchief, before trying to grab his hands.
"MMh!" he tightened his grip around his wooden doll, the one he never lets go off. It was a precious gift from the only person he was ever closed to. He always has it with him for courage to do the disgusting things he had to do to stay alive.
The taller man pulled it out from his grasp and threw it to the ground harshly, causing it to crack in places.
"MNnnh!" Near reached out for it, but the man caught his hand and pressed his fingers back till they made the same noise as his doll.
He shrieked through the cloth, tears of pain rolling down his cheeks. The man quickly slammed his head into the brick wall to silence him. "Nngh…" he whined before losing consciousness.
He woke up to a sharp pain at the base of his spine. His hands were tied behind his back and his face pressed to the filthy ground, but at least his fingers had gone numb. It's alright, he would wrap it up when the man was done, and hopefully they would heal with time. His doll too, he'd find some way to fix it.
Sorry Matt. He felt fresh tears falling from his eyes as he recalled his late friend, who entrusted the doll to him.
The man thrusted hungrily into Near's skinny body, calling him all sorts of derogatory names, which he couldn't deny. It's fine, it's the truth, he was a slut and a whore, trash of society, whatever you want, call me whatever you please, I don't care.
It's really not that bad.
"Hic…hic…" he sniffed as the man wrapped his hands around his throat. He shut his light grey eyes tightly, praying for help. He always knew that this kind of living would be the end of him someday, but he still wasn't prepared, no matter how worthless and pitiful his life had been, he was still afraid to die.
Please don't kill me, he silently begged the wild man grinning above him. I'll let you do whatever you want, so please don't kill me.
Helplessly, he looked over to his broken doll, wishing he could at least hold it for one last time before being sent to hell. Save me, he whispered in his heart, knowing that there wasn't much time left as memories from his past flashed before his eyes.
"Hey Near, did you know Mello has magic?" Matt would say sometimes, "He was the one who told me to talk to you, it was as if he knew, knew I could talk to you."
Near smiled gently in return, wiping the redhead's sweaty forehead, happy that the boy could still ramble as freely as he did even as his body slowly expired.
"I know you don't believe me now, but just wait and see, he really is magic," the redhead finished before vomiting again.
If only it were true, Near wished with all his might. If you're not just a doll, please save me! He screamed in his head.
"Argh!" the man yelped in pain as he was suddenly flung to the ground with a kick to the face.
"What the bloody hell are you trying to pull?" the blonde demanded.
"How dare you! Do you know who I am?" the man yelled back.
"A rapist and an attempted murderer it would seem, now scram before I report you to the authorities," the blonde retorted.
"You'll be sorry for this," the man threatened, but got up and left quickly nonetheless.
"Are you alright?" the blonde turned to the half-naked boy, untying and ungagging him.
"M-Mello?" Near squinted through his unbruised eye.
"It's Mihael actually," the blonde chuckled.
Near blinked in confusion, turning and spotting his doll still on the ground where it was thrown. Of course, a doll is still just a doll, but he couldn't believe help actually came, for someone like him. Somewhere, somehow, someone heard him and answered with mercy.
"Hey are you really alright?" Mihael asked carefully.
"He…broke my hand…and he didn't pay," Near sighed apathetically, though his whole body was still shaking.
"Is that what you're worried about? After nearly getting killed?" the blonde smirked, arching an eyebrow.
The white-haired boy nodded, reaching for his doll, examining the damage. Thankfully it was only a small crack across its face, but it was still disheartening nonetheless.
"You like playing with dolls?" Mihael cocked his head.
"This one's special," Near looked down, kissing the doll, "It has magic," he whispered, thanking whoever out there that heard his plea, grateful that he had just a little longer, though he wondered if he was just buying time, somehow being raped and killed in some dark alley was probably the most likely way he'd die someday.
Mihael watched the mysterious boy curiously with his striking blue eyes before offering a reassuring smile and taking the boy's unharmed hand. "Alright, let's get your fingers fixed first, then you can tell me more."
They went to the clinic and got his wounds treated, giving Near enough time to begin wondering about the blonde and how he was paying for the bill and most importantly why. The blonde looked about eighteen or nineteen, dressed in leather and a black fur coat, and hung a gold crucifix around his neck. Near wondered what kind of family he came from, a rich one of course, despite his crude language. He decided to tag along for now since he did save his life, he should find some way to thank him. Somehow he felt very comfortable with the blonde, he was almost like a good omen.
"I'm sorry, all they have is bread at this hour," the blonde said, offering a basket of warm bread after they asked for a room for the night at a middle class hotel, the only one which was still open, but to Near's surprise, he asked for separate beds, which was a first for the boy, he couldn't quite comprehend what it meant.
"Thank you," Near smiled, taking a bite out of the bread, feeling tears prickling at the corner of his eyes from how good it tasted, he couldn't even remember when was the last time he actually ate real food and not what he could salvage in the garbage.
"So…tell me about yourself," the blonde asked curiously.
"What's there to tell? I am what I am," Near replied simply.
"Well, at least tell me your name," Mihael pried with growing interest.
"I don't know, my mother never named me, I was unwanted," Near said quietly, a little surprise that he was suddenly being so honest, he had never told such things to any of his customers before, even when they asked, he'd always lie. But being around Mihael made him want to stop bring dishonest, to others and himself.
"You never had a name?" blue eyes looked sympathetically at the boy.
"They used to call me Near at the orphanage," he answered with a shrug.
"Hm? Why's that?" the blonde continued, running his fingers through the boy's curly white hair with amusement.
"I don't know," his voice became smaller, "Maybe because I was convenient."
"Did they treat you badly? Is that why you left?"
Near looked away to hide his brimming tears, trying to contain the hurt he had bottled up for years.
"Don't hide your tears," Mihael comforted softly, holding the boy's chin so that he could wipe his falling tears.
"I hated them, everything they did to me. Just because I was smaller, they took advantage of me. I hated feeling powerless, so I ran," he wiped his eyes and nose, allowing himself to be pulled into Mihael's embrace.
"At least, I'm free now, it's really not that bad," Near whispered, clutching his doll tightly, shutting his teary eyes.
Mihael simply nodded, kissing the boy on the top of his head, he didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise.
"I..." Near spoke again after calming down, "want to thank you, that is, you saved me, so I…"
Mihael grinned, "Well, you're welcome."
Near nodded, looking down, suddenly growing nervous and shy as he undid his bathrobe.
"Wait, what are you-Stop!" Mihael stepped away as the boy was now naked and attempting to give him fellatio.
Near's pale cheeks turned bright red with mortification, no one has ever reacted that way before. "I don't have any d-disease," he stammered, feeling ashamed and disgusted at himself, was he so repulsive?
"No, no, that's not-um," Mihael buried his face in his hand, feeling his cheeks starting to burn as well.
"Or would you like me to do something else? You can use me however you want," Near added, hiding his shameful eyes behind his bangs, feeling like dirty used rags.
"Hey, don't say that," the blond replied in slight aggravation, grabbing the bathrobe on the floor and putting it on the boy again. "You're not an object or a tool."
"But…isn't this why you're helping me?" the boy asked, sincerely confused.
"No, of course not, I didn't save you expecting you to service me in return," the blonde sighed exasperatedly, running his hands through his hair in frustration. "Honestly…I admit I'm very attracted to you Near, I've watched you for a long time, but I don't want to be just another one of your customers. I'm really glad I could do something for you today, so just, let me be hero of the day, alright? Don't-don't entice me."
"I don't understand…you've been watching me, why?" Near was even more perplexed.
Mihael blushed, rubbing the back of his neck, "Well, because you're special to me. I've developed feelings for you. That's why I don't want to be just a customer."
Clearing his throat, the blonde continued, "I've been watching you Near, and I hate that you have to live this kind of life. I thought it was about time I stepped into the picture." Gently he held the boy's hands, speaking seriously, "Quit this job Near, come with me. Let's go live in a better place. I promise I'll take care of you, I'll protect you."
Near looked into the blonde's clear blue eyes, wondering if the man was all right in the head for making such promises with a street prostitute, but all he could see was the man's transparent and genuine intentions. A little tear rolled down his cheek as he could feel the warmth of Mihael's words touching his heart.
Slowly, he nodded, "I want…to go with you." Even if it were all just a lie, he was happy to at least have one night of delusion.
The blonde grinned, giving a light peck on the boy's cheek to seal their agreement.
"Here too," Near muttered coyly, tapping his lips with his index.
Mihael smirked, holding Near's small face before pressing his lips onto Near's sweet ones. Slowly he deepened the kiss, seeking entry into the boy's mouth with his tongue. They exchanged several more passionate kiss before the blond finally pulled away.
"More?" Near tugged on the blonde's bathrobe.
"I wish," Mihael chuckled, obliging one last chaste kiss on the boy's lips. "You're injured, you need rest, I won't do anything to add to your injuries."
"I'm not afraid," the thirteen year old said bravely.
"Really?" Mihael asked slyly, "You don't mind if I take my time ravishing you inch by inch, lick you till you're covered in my saliva, suck you so hard that you can't stop coming. Once I start, I won't stop till you're writhing with pleasure, crying and begging for more."
Near gulped, he could feel his body burning, but he wasn't sure if it was embarrassment or passion. No one had ever said that to him before, or made him feel this way, no one ever wanted to treat him so good that he'd cry.
The blonde smirked, watching the boy fidgeting where he stood. Gently, he kissed him again on the lips and guided him to the bed, "come on, let's rest. When you get better, I promise you I won't hold back." Near blushed, anticipating the day.
"Tell me…about you," Near spoke again after some time, snuggling close to the blonde as he closed his eyes, feeling peaceful for once.
"Me?" the blonde's eyes drooped. "Well I guess I was an unwanted child too. My father was a toy maker, he used to make dolls just like the one you have. My mother had died giving birth to me and ever since I was born, my father never looked at me. It must've been painful knowing I killed the woman he loved. He would busy himself with his work. Every day, I wished he would just turn around and look at me but he never did. One day, he sent me far away, and never came back. I would wait for him by the gates every day, if only I could see him one more time, I'd tell him how sorry I was and how much I've missed him."
"Mmn," Near mumbled, half-asleep.
The blonde took his small hand and kissed it sweetly, smiling to himself. "Cute," he chuckled. "Don't forget our promise Near, let's go together," he whispered before slowly falling asleep.
But the next day, Near was gone, disappeared without a word and without a trace. He searched high and low, but it was as if the boy had never existed. He never stopped searching though, not even as the weeks, months and years flew by. He felt bitter and angry, wondering why Near had left the way he did after making a promise together, and yet at the same time, worried and afraid, thinking of all the possibilities.
"Near…where are you?" he mumbled to himself lethargically, beginning to think that maybe the night they had spent together was just some part of an elaborate dream.
He walked aimlessly, stumbling back to the alley where they first met, a place he frequented. Slowly, he sat down at a wall, and allowed time to pass him by, waiting for the boy of his dreams to appear again.
"What am I doing?" he sighed, a tear rolling down his cheek, he quickly buried his face in his knees to hide it. Near, oh God please, he wanted to cry, the thoughts that he tried so hard to ignore came rushing at him. He's really gone, isn't he? Not just gone, but…gone.
He must've cried for hours on his own before the sound of footsteps caught his ears. He looked up from the dark, spotting a dark shadow lurking behind another smaller figure. His voice disappeared as he watched the dark figure caught the little girl from behind and covered her mouth with a cloth till she lost consciousness. What was happening? He thought in shock, suddenly recognizing the perpetrator. Silently, he followed behind the man who was carrying the girl to his carriage, his heart pounding, a flicker of hope ignited in him.
The man brought the girl somewhere into the woods, not realizing he was being followed. They went to a cemetery and into a burial house. Moving the grave aside, they went down a staircase, into what seemed like the perpetrator's lair or more like playhouse.
Mihael had to cover his mouth to guard against the awfulness. There were bodies of dead children hung like puppets, dressed in dolly clothes, sitting at mini tea tables. His horrified eyes wanted to look away but he couldn't, shakily scanning the room for the one person he wished he couldn't find right now.
His heavy feet dragged themselves slowly across the cement floor, not bothering even if he was being loud and would get found out soon. Pausing in front of the white dolly chair, he fell to his knees with a loud clack, tears pouring out of his eyes as he gently held the bony hand in his own.
"Hic…Hic…" he cried silently as the image of Near's lifeless hollow eye sockets burned into his mind.
It was him, though he wanted to deny it he couldn't. He knew it was him, those few strands of white locks and the tiny figure, he knew innately in his heart, that it was Near, he loved him enough to know.
"Ahh!" The little girl screamed, soon she'll be another one of his collection.
Mihael knew he should be angry, get up and possibly kill the man, but he couldn't, he was just too sad to move. He held Near's hand, knowing that he'd never knew the warmth of his fingers again.
He glanced at Near's remains carefully, now dressed in dusty white button up and short white pants, pink socks and pink tie which looked ridiculous on his corpse. Taking notice for the first time, the doll he had in his arms.
It must've been the first time he had properly looked at it because he would've certainly notice first-hand the striking resemblance. Fine gold locks, clear blue eyes, black shirt and black pants as if he were attending a funeral. It was him.
And he remembered.
"Fire, fire!" Someone shouted in the distance. The heat spreading all over him, the smell of smoke intoxicating his lungs, flames engulfing his bones.
"No! My wife and child are in there! Save them! Save them please!" he remembered his father shouting even though he was still inside his mother's womb. All the wooden toys his father had spent so much effort carving for him was burning. His mother couldn't get up, he was about to come, why couldn't he wait a moment later? I'm sorry father, I killed us both.
No, no, that can't be right…
"Mihael," the familiar voice called, a light pat on his shoulder.
"Near," he turned around wide eyed, he'd recognized that voice anywhere. "Near, thank God! You're alive!" he quickly wrapped his hands around the boy.
"No, Mihael, you and I both know I'm not," Near looked down sadly, "You saw it happen right?"
"No…" He shut his eyes and moved away as he felt the aura of another memory surfacing, but he couldn't stop it no matter how hard he tried.
It was too late, he knew it was. Near lay motionless on the filthy pavement, he had stopped breathing after being choked for so long. No one came for him, no one heard him, he died alone, raped and murdered. The man was satisfied, he brought him to the woods, into his lair, washed his corpse, put on a nice blouse and trousers and fix his fingers, then had his way with the boy's body again. Again and again, oh my God, he's already dead! The blonde wanted to shout.
"It's alright Mihael, I wasn't in pain," Near's voice pulled him out of the gruesome recollection. "You don't have to keep punishing yourself for what happened. It's not going to change anything."
"No! That's not it! It can't be, I-I saved you, we were at the hotel, we spent the night together," Mihael objected frantically.
"I'm sorry, I was already dead at the time, we were transitioning," Near clarified, feeling apologetic to the blonde.
"No, how could I be with you if you were dead?" Mihael asked, not wanting an answer.
"I-I'm really sorry Mihael, you've been lost for a long time," Near began twirling his hair nervously, "They told me that it was harder for the unborn to accept moving on, that's why you couldn't come with me."
"Unborn? Moving on?" the blonde asked in disbelief, taking a few steps back.
"Ha-ha, no, stop joking Near, let's go back, come on, I want to go back with you," he begged.
"Go back where?" Near frowned, hugging himself, "I don't want to go back, I'm scared, haven't they hurt me enough?"
"N-no more…please…" Near pleaded, lying in a sticky mess of semen. Nobody cared for what he had to say, no one believed him even when he only told the truth, he was nothing, nobody.
"Hurts so much…." He wept as another boy rammed into him, "Please somebody…" he continued to cry, hugging to Mello tightly.
"No, please make it stop," Mihael fell to his knees, unable to hold back his tears. "It's not true!"
"It's true Mihael," Near replied passively, "I've come to terms with it. Isn't it about time you did too?"
"No, please…I was supposed to take care of you…I promised," the blonde sobbed, burying his face in his hands.
"Look after him for me Mels, I don't think I have much time left," Matt whispered into Mello's ear weakly, but the doll which he clutched in his hands only stared blankly at the ceiling, lifeless and silent, a cheap replica of the boy he was meant to embody.
That's right, it was all coming back to him now, even though he had tried so hard to forget. He died, a long, long time ago, inside his mother's womb, burnt alive in the blazing fire. His father was the one who finally gave his wondering soul a solid body to reside in, but in the end he was still abandoned. His father had regretted making him the moment he was done, instead kept him lock in the shelves for over a decade before donating him to an orphanage after remarrying and having children of his own.
"How could he?" the blonde gritted his teeth in spite. "He forgot about me."
"Were you angry Mihael? Angry that he moved on?" Near asked softly, approaching the blonde to stroke his hair.
Mihael pressed his hands together at his forehead, furious tears running down his cheeks as he nodded.
"Why didn't you move on as well?" Near's soothing voice continued, sitting down beside the blond, holding his head to his skinny chest.
"Hic…No…I have to wait…he might come b-back…" the blonde answered in between hiccups.
He's coming back, that's what the blonde would repeat incessantly to himself. He wasn't even angry anymore that his father had left him there in the first place, he just wanted to see him again. He would return, he had to. But he never did. When he realized the inescapable truth, he decided to forget, forget the pain of being forgotten and forsaken. That way he could start over again, instead of finding closure and moving on as he was supposed to.
He found Matt. Finally, he lived as if he lived. The redhead would often talk to him as an equal companion, brought him out to look at the horizon and read together. At last, his soul had a chance to grow into a boy from an infant. But Matt had a weak constitution, by the age of nine, he died because there wasn't enough funds for his treatment.
He failed again. Matt was gone, he couldn't do anything. The only thing he had left was his promise to the dying redhead. And still, he failed. Near was gone too and worst he suffered. He failed them all, now they're gone and he's all alone.
"Don't regret," Near said firmly, holding the blonde's face and wiping his tears.
"It's not your fault. It was our time. We all have to go someday. Don't be afraid."
"Listen to the kid Mels," Matt's voice appeared and suddenly the redhead was on one knee, eye level with the blonde.
"I…" Mihael blinked back his tears, looking at his two companions, "I should've done something."
"Doesn't make a difference, we're already dead, nothing you do will change that now," Matt put it bluntly.
"It's just so….unfair!" the blonde fisted his hand in his hair in frustration, thinking about how Matt and Near died, why did fate had to be so cruel to them?
"There's no justice or cruelty in death, death simply is," Near replied, lacing his fingers with Mihael's hand to keep him from tugging his hair out of their roots.
"You realized it too right Mels? When you were sitting in the alley. When someone is gone, they're gone. We have to let go and move on," Matt persuaded again, putting aside his cigar.
"Or do you want to forget all over again? You want to start with a fresh slate, pretend this never happened? Think you can make a difference this time round, have no regrets?" the redhead challenged instead.
"Matt," Near whimpered, holding Mihael's hands tighter, afraid to lose him.
"Look Mels, nobody gets it right, everybody has regrets. You've already long extended your stay, if you stay any longer, the more regrets you'll end up having. So just," Matt puffed his cigar, "suck it up."
The blonde furrowed his brow, he knew Matt was right, Near too, everything they said was the truth. It was time to go.
"It's really not that bad," Near mumbled under his breath.
Slowly, Mihael smiled. Staying behind or moving on with the two people he longed and cared for? It was obvious which he would choose. Finally, after more than two decades, he was ready. In silent resignation, he got up and allowed the two to lead him to where he needed to be.
"It's been almost a decade, I've missed you," Near murmured, entangling his fingers with the blonde's.
"I'm sorry I've kept you waiting," the blonde apologized, kissing the boy's temple.
"Hey, no flirting behind me, paradise has lots of rooms for that," Matt scolded in annoyance, lighting a new cigar. "Sheesh, you guys are practically baby and boy."
"Matt, if that's the case, you're too young to smoke," Near handed quick comeback.
"Pfft," Matt smirked, continued walking.
The two followed closely behind and their souls entered the afterlife, at peace at last.
Mihael's father never came back. Matt never got better. Near never found his mother. And the killer was never caught. Time continues.
Hello everybody! It's been a super long time!
First about this story: It was actually inspired by Death Note the drama, where I saw this picture of Near holding a wooden Mello doll. And also, I read this manga called "Ito-san", amazing work, totally inspired me. But otherwise, it was pretty random. I collected my emotions from Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, and of course Taylor Swift. Oh ya, if you guys read this listening to the song suggestion, please let me know your thoughts on that. Also, there won't be a continuation, but if I have the time I would like to make a "Back Alley" series with similar themes.
My personal life and why the hell I've been gone so freaking long: First I totally downed myself with a serious case of crazy. My bipolar went totally offed the charts and I had to postpone my exams for a month, which gave me like only one week of holiday left. And then we started a new semester, which is super crazy busy with assignments. And of course, I was in an accident, lost my teeth, damn. Plus the main reason why I couldn't write, literally couldn't, because I did not have a laptop. Yes, for a whole month! K.O.!
Updates on my other story: This is for whoever is still waiting. I do try to write them when I can, but alas, I'm super slow and I always have to get into the perfect mood. Even this took me a week. I know everyone's pretty much fed up and wondering why I wrote something else, but I really do have it on my to do list. So yeah, if that helps.
Anyways, please let me know if you enjoyed this!