Title: Looking for gravity
Author: SlowlyNow
Rating: M (for bad language)
Character/Pairing: Patrick Murray/ Richie Donado
Summary: Takes place after 2x10, there's a bit fluff, and it might be some bad language, depending on what you classify as "bad language"
Note: English is not my native language, so I'm sorry for crappy grammar and so on (at least I tried right?). I felt like I had to do this, even though I'm a bit upset with HBO. You have fans in Sweden ffs make an effort! This is a team Richie fanfic, so if you're rooting for Kevin (or Brady), read it anyways just because…
So feel free to comment my fanfic, my crap English or both, I don't mind someone pointing out my errors, I might learn something.
I don't own anything, just borrowing.
Song: Pluto-Sleeping at last (the most amazing songwriter ever)
Spoiler warning: Some spoilers from season 2
I woke up from the same dream: Falling backwards, falling backwards 'til it turned me inside out. Now I live a waking life, of looking backwards, looking backwards; a model citizen of doubt.
"Are you ready?", "I am ready" and just like that all Patrick's hair is gone.
Rain patters against the window and runs down the glass. Patrick studies it for a few minutes before turning his attention to Richie. "Thank you for making me look less like a middle aged lesbian" a sad, reluctant but mandatory smile runs over his soft lips. He's not sure what he's supposed to feel, or how to deal with it, it's like all colors has died; the sky is as grays as his ambivalent feelings. All he can tell for sure is that what Kevin wants, it's not what he wants. Fuck Kevin and his realistic view on how a relationship should work. He pulls a hand trough his now short hair trying not to cry in front of his ex-boyfriend in an empty barbershop somewhere in San Francisco, the hardest thing he has done all week.
Until one day I had enough of this exercise of trust. I leaned in and let it hurt, and let my body feel the dirt. When I break pattern, I break ground I rebuild when I break down. I wake up more awake than I've ever been before.
"Can we take a walk?" Patrick realizes he can't stand there for the rest of the day. So even though the rain is pouring down and forms puddles along the street, Patrick want to feel the stubborn water drops penetrate through the clothes down to his skin. A part of him is convinced that Richie has no interest in hanging out with Patrick in his pathetic state of mind, but he has to ask. They fall silent and Patrick appreciates it, he needs something to keep him occupied without having a forced conversation. This is why Richie is the best company, he never asks questions and if he does, he never demands an answer.
"Pato it's raining outside" Richie don't sound to happy about the fact that Patrick wants to take a walk in pouring rain "I know, but it's San Francisco, we must seize the moment" Patrick looks at him with pleading eyes all of a sudden keen to go out.
"It's not unusual that it rains in December" Richie looks serious but only for a few seconds, then he smiles, revealing his adorable dimples. It reminds Patrick how it used to be, before Kevin and that heartbreaking night when they broke up. The problem now is, that he has no idea where he's supposed to go if Richie refuses to walk aimlessly around the city.
"You still have it?" Richie points at Patrick's torso with a surprised look on his face "what?" Patrick asks, confusion in his eyes "the scapular", "of course" Patrick grips it and holds it tight. "I think I can use all the luck I can get right now" Richie has one around his neck as well. Patrick sticks down his sweater, as if to protect it from the outside world.
Still I'm pinned under the weight of what I believed would keep me safe. So show me where my armor ends, show me where my skin begins. Like a final puzzle piece it all makes perfect sense to me
Patrick finally manages to convince Richie to take a walk. They walk at a leisurely pace, just like they used to do. The only difference is that Patrick usually talks too much and Richie asks him to be quiet, that's not the case, not today. Patrick is the first one to break the silence though "oh God, you must think I'm an idiot" Trying hard not to sound like the drama queen he's, that's at least what Patrick thinks of himself, he should have figured it out, that Kevin wouldn't change because of him. He says he's willing to, but it's hard to trust someone who out of pure habit, lies to everyone about everything. Kevin had indeed been honest just hours earlier, when telling Patrick what he wants from their relationship, a kind of truth Patrick isn't all that interest in hearing. So maybe, just maybe, the scapular is working, pointing him in the right direction towards real happiness.
The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity
The heaviness that I hold in my heart's been crushing me
"Pato, you're not an idiot" Richie, always patience, the sweetest guy in the history of sweet guys and Patrick is absolutely not worth him, not by far. It's like Richie is so self aware, everything Patrick isn't, always puts his own happiness in front of others, and if he finds someone he loves, he just put him on the same level, not beneath, not above. So sure of what he wants and won't settle for less. Patrick seems to be the opposite, but for once, he feels like he knows exactly what it is that he wants, that he needs.
"You were right by the way, about me, not being ready" Patrick doesn't like admitting he's wrong, but when it comes to Richie, he feels like he has no choice. It's quite easy to admit things to Richie, just because he knows that he won't be judged.
I've been worried all my life a nervous wreck most of the time I've always been afraid of heights of falling backwards, falling backwards I've been worried all my life
"Are you ready now?" Richie is looking straight ahead, with an almost invisible smile on his lips.
"You know what? I am ready, but not with Kevin, oh God I am such an idiot, can we go to the planetarium?"
"Sure Pato"
If the planetarium is Richie's favorite place, Patrick will make sure it's his favorite place as well. They just lie there staring at the ceiling, almost like they're too afraid to break the silence. As usual, Patrick can't shut up for more than a few minutes. "That's not the only thing you were right about" He whispers as to not disturb the pre recorded lady who talks about the beauty and wonder of what we call the solar system.
"What else then?" Richie's voice is deep and pleasant "if I were a thirteen year old girl, I'd probably would be scared of my own vagina, and believe me, Kevin and I are the definition of what is wrong with the gay community. Shit, I'll have to find a new job, oh God, I am an idiot" Patrick blurts out, again with the idiot "no Pato you're not an idiot" Richie sounds reassuring but Patrick knows quite well that he's an idiot, like, a major one "yes I am" he says with a defiant look on his face.
'Til one day I had enough of this exercise of trust. I leaned in and let it hurt, let my body feel the dirt. When I break pattern I break down, I rebuild when I break down. I wake more awake than I've ever been before.
"You know what though?" He continues, not commenting on Richie's comforting words "what?", "I'd still let you fuck me, you know…like I promised" Realizing they never got that far, he now understands what a shame that is.
"Is that what this is? Is that why you called me?" Richie's dopey smile is contagious and Patrick can't help but smile, a happy smile this time. When he had first called Richie, he had absolutely no plans to in anyway seduce Richie or luring him back with his charm. It's just that every minute spent with Richie, makes Patrick want him more. There's no point in lying to himself, Richie is a freaking catch, smart, fun and so hot it's almost criminal.
"No, my home wrecking days are over" he already destroyed Jon's life, according to his judgmental sister, apparently his own and probably Kevin's as well. The only thing he isn't blaming himself for is his mom leaving his dad. "I'm glad to hear that Pato" they fall silent again, and this time, Patrick shuts up until they have to leave.
Still I'm pinned under the weight of what I believed would keep me safe. So show me where my armor ends, show me where my skin begins. Like a final puzzle piece it all makes perfect sense to me
The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity
"Shit, I can't go home" It's getting late and he has absolutely no idea where he's supposed to go, maybe Dom, but he's probably busy with Doris. "Why not?" the curious sound of Richie snaps him back to reality. "I'm not sure where home is, I guess I should go back to Augustin and beg him for my room back cuz I'm pretty sure I just broke up with Kevin" how someone could be pretty sure, he hadn't said the words but in his heart Kevin and Patrick was no more – yesterdays feelings.
"You did?" Patrick is not sure but he thinks he hears a bit of hope in Richie as he says the words broke up. Sure a man can dream, but there's still Brady and the fact that Patrick let Richie down. "I think so, I mean, I didn't really think it through, he asked me to trust him and I called you. How stupid is that? That I trust you more than my boyfriend, or more like, how I trust my ex-ex-boyfriend more than my ex-boyfriend, don't get me wrong, I love Kevin but, he's not…" Patrick trails of not sure how to continue; it just proves that love's not enough, not now, not ever. The only thing love does is complicate; it's not close to being enough. With Richie it wasn't all about love and sex and shit like that, it was more of a companionship, sharing and all that romantic stuff only shown on TV. For once in his life Patrick is actually acknowledging his feeling based on his own actual feelings and not based on what his mother or judgmental cunt of a sister thinks he should feel. "Just a little stupid, but we all make some stupid decisions sometimes, that's how we learn", "You could at least tried to stop me" Patrick respond with a bitter voice. "I did, once but you chose not to listen to me, so I thought I would just let you figure it out for yourself" Richie is witty as always and Patrick kind of like that about him, there is nothing you can say to Richie that will make him shut up. "So you just waited for me to fail, well, I failed, so are you here to pick me up?" again with the recognitions "if you want me to" Patrick isn't sure what that means "what about Brady?" Richie just shrugs and smiles "I don't want to cock block anyone" Patrick continues amused. "You don't. I get plenty of cock, the memory of you don't keep me from fucking. I like Brady, I really do, but that's about it, I just thought you were going to make me wait for you forever, so I guess I settled for the next best thing, who turns out to be more of a friend than a boyfriend" Richie doesn't sound at all sad, it's almost like he's relieved "So you two are not together anymore?" a glimpse of hope spreads in Patrick's chest, looks like he can write down Brady's name on the list of people whom lives he has fucked up. "Not since the game convention, I think he saw that I have some stubborn underlying and unresolved feelings for you, I can't lie about that" some feeling just shines through– they're like star crossed lovers the universe finally leaves alone. "Really, because I'm down for some manhandling" Patrick is usually not that shameless but can't help it; this is probably his one and only chance and he's not going to let it slip.
"But don't think I'll take you back just like that, that this will be easy for you, I think you have some stuff to sort out first, but when you're done and what not, I'll be here, if you still want me, but you can't go back and forth, you can't have both Pato" Patrick nods and for the first time, he know exactly where he's going, but before he goes, he turns to Richie and says. "I know what I want, I told you. I am ready"
The heaviness in my heart belongs to gravity