Author's note: There is another version of Tempus that I plan to write where both Helens run into one another back in 1899 London. This goofy little crackfic is a taken off what that more dramatic version will be, whenever I get around to writing it (have to finish Tempest in a Teapot first).

The setup: John arrives in the warehouse just as Adam is about to kill Young Helen while a horrified James and Future Helen look on. He swaps Imogene for Helen and the group return to the London Sanctuary. While Future Helen is recovering from the radiation poisoning, Druitt's chatting with James and a freaked out Younger Helen. Also, John's also freed of the energy elemental thanks to that enormous energy surge from the coils in Hollow Earth.

Five Hours in Ye Old London

Chapter 1: The Child That Was

John stood in the doorway of the library, watching the pair standing by the fireplace. James had his arms around Helen, trying to soothe her as she sobbed uncontrollably.

James, trying to console his partner, cautioned, "Take heart, my dear. You do not know what happened, nor if any of it is really true. Worth was a liar, and a violent one at that."

Sniffling into his collar, Helen cried, "It is true. I saw her face when he said it. I saw the pain she felt… the pain I felt."

John, taking a step into the room, asked, "What's going on?" He eyed the pair wearily. He suspected it was his sudden appearance that had upset the young doctor and tried to steel himself for the angry words to come.

Startled, the duo pulled apart slightly, though James kept a protective arm around her waist.

Sniffing, Helen turned to face John. "It's true, isn't it? What Adam said?" Her eyes were large, her pupils dilated.

John, moving further into the room toward them, said, "Which part? Jekylll and Hyde are always spouting off about something. Best to take their crazy talk with a grain of salt."

James eyed Druitt back just as wearily. "Says the king of crazy men. Kill any hapless young women lately, John?"

John, giving a loud snort, said, "Nice to see you too, Watson. And no, not in quite a long time. I've lost my taste for the sport." He wandered over to the side table and poured himself a stiff drink. Holding up the glass bottle he motioned to them silently asking if they wanted a drink.

James, nodding he wanted one, questioned, "And why is that? Bored with killing?" He was finding Druitt's appearance quite curious, like he had of Helen's. John had short black hair, a beard with some gray sprinkled in, and was dressed head to toe in black leather. It always amazed him how such a large man could move so lithely and silently.

Handing over a glass to Watson, John muttered, "More like my demon was exercised." He took a sip and watched them over the rim of his glass.

Giving John a skeptical look, James replied, "Hmm, I find that hard to believe."

Snorting again, John said, "But you believe in time travel and creatures that go bump in the night huh?"

Helen was still a bit weepy and getting impatient with the two men's pissing contest. "This is all lovely but you haven't answered my question, John Druitt." She really looked at him hard for the first time, taking in how different he was from the other version of him.

He held up another glass of liquor for her to take and she shook her head. Shrugging, he placed the glass on the table between the wing chairs before the fire. "And what question is that?"

Shakily, Helen answered, "What Adam said… is he or she? Did they…?" Tears weld up in her eyes again.

John's brow furrowed in confusion. "I'm sorry, who?"

Helen, squeezing her eyes shut, said in a low voice, "The child. Our child. He said it died. Is that true?"

Surprised, John exhaled a harsh breath and frowned. He remained silent as he tried to think of what to say and what he should not say.

Pushing away from James' arm, she took a step towards him and cried, "Tell me! I have to know!" A large tear drop fell from her eye and rolled down her porcelain cheek.

Squeezing his eyes shut, John sighed loudly, "I am not supposed to tell you about events that take place in the future." His eyes fluttered open as he heard her sob loudly and turn back to Watson, who shot Druitt a dirty look.

Defeated, John threw up his hands. "Oh what the hell."

James was shocked. "Language, if you please. You may speak like gutter rats in the future but I'll not have you talk that way in the presence of a lady."

Frowning, John groaned. "I forgot what a pedantic git you could be." He looked over at his upset ex-fiancée. "Take care, my dear lady. All is not what it seems."

Helen gave him a baleful look. "What exactly does that mean? Did the child not die?" she asked hopefully.

John bit his lip. "Well, um, yes."

Interrupting him, an indignant James hugged her to him again. "Stop toying with us. You're making it worse!"

Helen's hand shot up to cover her mouth as another sob tore from her throat.

John, speaking louder to get their attention, called out, "If you would let me finish!" Addressing Helen, he said, "The child is the biological child of two members of The Five. As such, she is not without her own gift."

Wiping her tears away with one hand, she looked him in the eye. "She? The child was a girl?"

John smiled and nodded. "Hmmm. A most beautiful girl… very much like her mother."

The two stared at one another silently. A little smile tugged at the corner of Helen's mouth. She had had a daughter she marveled.

James, curious about Druitt's hint, said, "You mentioned her gift. What was it?"

Gulping down the rest of his drink, John poured himself another. "Let us just say that she inherited her gift from both of her parents that culminated in a very unique way."

James replied dryly, "That's… vague." He took a sip of his drink and rolled his eyes.

Annoyed, Druitt replied, "I'm trying to tell you some things without revealing too much." He nudged his head back towards the door. "She Who Must Be Obeyed will have my head if she finds out how much I've already told you." Looking hard at Helen, he dryly added, "You are still rather fond of shooting people, my dear. Perhaps you should think about doing something with your anger issues, hmm?"

Helen, her tears now under control, retorted, "If I shoot at you, you probably deserve it." He shrugged, she was probably right. "And you have not revealed enough."

Grabbing the glass off the side table, she took a deep drink, and then coughed a little. Both men grinned slightly at her before going back to glaring at one another.

Helen, fortified by the strong liquid flowing down her throat to warm her stomach, reminded Druitt, "You have said we have a daughter… she's beautiful," she said as she gave John a soft smile, "she has a special gift from her parents and… she's dead." Helen downed the rest of the drink then and squeezed her eyes shut against the burning sensation.

John, giving her a soft look, murmured, "I never said she was dead."

James, angry that Druitt was playing with them again, barked, "You most certainly did. You said she died."

John retorted, "I said she died. I did not say she was dead."

Furious, Helen threw the glass at him, which luckily missed him and instead hit the wall behind, smashing everywhere.

John, now angry himself, reprimanded her. "Temper, madam, I implore! I told you you had a nasty temper."

Tearing up again, Helen cried at him, "Whatever game this is you are playing at I do not want to participate. Be gone, you horrible man!"

James positioned himself in front of her and ordered, "Perhaps you should leave, NOW!"

An exasperated John cried, "Oh, for God's sake, woman, if you would read between the lines you would understand what I am saying! If the child is not dead she is then…"

Confused, Helen and James said in unison, "Alive?"

"That would be the opposite of dead, yes! Remind me again how you two have Oxford degrees?" John remarked sarcastically.

Sharply, James questioned, "How can she be alive if she died?"

John, answering smugly, "How can her mother be 161 years old? How can her father teleport from one place to another?" He rolled his eyes at them. "She is an abnormal, like her parents, of course."

Helen, shocked, gasped, "She was revived?"

John shook his head. "More like reborn." Giving her a wide smile, he went on, "It was quite enjoyable watching you carry her again. You are a very lovely expectant mother." He gave her a gentle little bow of respect.

"Hold on a second. Helen was pregnant a second time. So she gave birth to another child?" James inquired, confused by what the mad man was trying to say.

Helen, bringing a hand to her forehead in anguish, exclaimed, "So the first child died and I had another child?"

John threw his hands up in frustration. "Keep up will you? You, Helen Magnus, have only had one child. Our daughter… whom you have given birth to twice. I don't see what's so difficult to grasp here." He went back to pour himself another drink. Were they always this dense and he never noticed it back then, he asked himself. He shook his head in disgust.

James was equally disgusted. "If she gave birth a second time, then she had a second child. I know you're insane, John, but surely even you can grasp the concept of childbirth and how children are born." He raised his eyebrow to give Druitt a snarky look.

"I need another drink!" Helen declared and swiped the glass decanter off the table to pour herself a healthy serving. Her nerves were frayed and John was going to be the last straw.

John explained, "In the future one can pinpoint the genetic makeup of an individual to 99.5 percent accuracy. The child is the same genetically as the first. Right down to her little dimples and stubborn streak."

Helen gasped at that. Her little child had dimples. The stubborn streak she put down as coming from the father.

Pointing at her, John declared, "Her mother is the one who verified that she is exactly as the first. The child's gift is that she can be reborn to her mother as herself."

James and Helen's mouth dropped. James turned to stare at Helen, who opened her mouth to say something then slammed it shut, not knowing what to say.

Pointing at them both, John ordered, "You are not to say anything about this to Her," motioning back to the door. "She'll go on the war path again and probably shoot me."

James grinned. "Sounds perfectly reasonable to me." He smirked at Druitt.

John, smirked back. "So does dropping you off the Tower of London but I have yet to do it."

"Is this a private insult party or can anyone join?" a smooth voice rang out.

"Nikola!" Helen gasped, causing both men to swing around and stare at the vampire standing in the doorway.

Smiling broadly, Tesla strutted into the room and headed straight for her. "Helen, my dear, it's been a long time." Taking her hand, he bowed charmingly over it and gave her a light kiss. "Miss me?" He wiggled his eyebrow at her invitingly.

James took in the sight of Tesla drooling over his Helen, then glanced over at Druitt. John made a gagging motion, causing Watson to laugh softly.

"Nikola," John called and walked up behind Helen, glaring down at the shorter man. "About time you got here. I trust you have come prepared?"

Smirking, Nikola answered, "Naturally." He glanced around. "Hello, James." Watson nodded back at him. "Where is Helen?"

"I am right here," she said, confused. She was standing right in front of him.

"Sorry, I meant the other Helen." He continued to hold Helen's hand and smile broadly at her. It had been a very long time since he's seen her with blonde hair. He couldn't' decide which version he liked better.

"She's downstairs in the Sanctuary recovering from the radiation poisoning." Reaching around, John removed Helen's hand from Tesla's grasp, causing her to look up at him in surprise and Nikola to give him a toothy grin. "Perhaps we should go check on her now." He gave the vampire a menacing look.

"Excellent idea," James called out as he moved next to John and to glare at Tesla also.

"Duty calls," Tesla told Helen, backing up and giving her a half bow. "Lead the way, gentleman," he waved towards the door. John led the way, followed by James, then Nikola.

Stopping at the door, Nikola turned back to Helen. "Don't miss me too much. I'll be back soon." He winked at her and left.

Helen's mouth dropped open in astonishment. What in the world had come over proper and reserved Tesla? He was a flirt but nothing like this. Turning back to the fire, Helen placed both of her hands on the mantle, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It had been a horrible night. A madman had almost killed her and amazingly it had been John who saved her. Under any other circumstances he would have been the madman.

Well, he probably was still a madman, despite the manners he displayed tonight. His explanation of the child's death, then rebirth was ludicrous. He was probably making the whole thing up to make her feel better. Her heart constricted at the thought of the child she had yet to know and a feeling of intense loneliness filled her.

Behind her she heard soft footsteps. "Back so soon?" she said, assuming it was Tesla entering the room.

"Mommy?" a small child's voice called out.

Author's note: Okay, the crackfic part is coming up next… because one can never predict what will come out of the mouth of babes. Especially smart aleck-y ones.