He wasn't there.
My heart sank. I needed to see him. To explain everything. He deserved that much. A one-on-one explanation. But I couldn't find him. Not since I lost him in the crowd at the reception. Archie said he'd been by the chippy, but it was empty.
I turned away from the window to walk back to the reception, and there he was.
"Finn."
Augh, his face. His face broke my heart. It was so completely gorgeous, but those eyes. Those eyes had something in them. Something sad. Something hurt. I couldn't bear it.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
A million explanations spun through my head, but I couldn't bring myself to say any of them. All I could manage was:
"I'm so sorry."
I hoped it was enough. Could he forgive me? I waited for him to say something. Anything. We were probably silent for only a second but not knowing what he was feeling made it seem like an eternity.
"I...I wanna tell you something."
Fuck. He hated me. That look in his eyes… I'd never forget it. Not in a hundred years.
"What?" I said, trying not to sound so desperate, so completely and utterly heartbroken.
"I'm not...I'm not good with words. I'm not…I'm not good with speaking."
I looked at him for a moment, wondering what it is he could possibly want to tell me. I wouldn't blame him if he never wanted to speak to me again. Did he still want to be my friend after all this? Had I hurt him beyond repair? I shrugged my shoulders in inquisition, trying to get him to put me out of my misery. Why wasn't he saying anything? Say something, anything!
Next thing I knew, he lunged in and was hugging me tight. I rested my head into the crook of his neck between his head and shoulders, hugging him tightly back. It felt so nice, holding him there. It felt right.
And then I felt his finger moving along my back. He was spelling something out for me. What was he saying?
I…
I hoped it wouldn't be the bad news I was preparing myself for. He was hugging me. He wouldn't hug me and say he didn't want to be friends anymore. Would he?
L…
I, L. Ill? Was he going to say he felt ill? That I made him ill? Say something about how I had been ill, and how disappointed he was I kept it a secret from him for so long?
O…
I, L, O. What? No…
V…
Oh my god. Was Finn… was he trying to say—?
E…
Bloody hell! Okay, Rae. Don't get ahead of yourself. He could be saying he loves panda bears, Oasis, fucking biscuits for all you know. It could be anything.
Y…
Fuck. He's doing it. He saying it.
O…
Did Archie put him up to this? What if this was a joke? What if—
U.
He lingered in our embrace for a moment, and then pulled away. He was done. That was his message. That's what he wanted to tell me. "I love you." Finn loves me.
"Finn… Don't say it if you don't mean it."
He just stood there, staring at me with those fucking gorgeous eyes. He smiled that smile I was all too familiar with: the smile I thought about every moment of every day. And that smile was for me! ME! Rachel Earl! Sixteen stone, blob girl Rae. Fit Finn was giving me that look. A boy liked me! Not just liked me, LOVED me! And not just any boy. Finn! The boy I'd been lusting after and fantasizing about for weeks! It was too good to be true.
"I don't believe you."
"I don't — I don't care if you don't believe me."
I couldn't contain myself anymore. I chuckled the tiniest bit — it was probably about 1% of the emotion I wanted to let out. I wanted to run through fields and dance around a scream at the top of my lungs! Finn Nelson loved me!
He giggled a bit too, and I gushed at the sound.
"So, what now?" he asked, shrugging with a smirk on his face.
Good question. What now? I stared at him for a moment, trying to take everything in. I had to remember every little detail. I was going to remember this for the rest of my life, which I knew now was going to be a very, very long time. I didn't say anything out loud. I just thought, I don't know, Finn. But I can't wait to find out.