Wormtail had never been so nervous. The Dark Lord had invited him to his cave – just him, no other Death Eaters or whatever. He said that he would explain when he got there.
He knocked on the wooden door, and it swung open. "Wormtail," Voldemort said with an unpleasant smile, "I've been expecting you. Come in, come in, make yourself at home."
The rock cave was surprisingly roomy. Wormtail noted with some amusement that there was a Muggle CD player in the corner. Since when did the most powerful dark wizard on earth need a CD player? Since when did he listen to Muggle music?
"Wormtail, I usually don't listen to filthy Muggle music," Voldemort said to him, as if he could read minds. "But I found a song that completely turned me around. I'm not evil anymore. I'm a changed man, Wormtail."
"That's – that's wonderful, my Lord," Wormtail stuttered.
"And," Voldemort went on, "I want you to hear this song. In fact, I want you to sing along."
Wormtail was truly frightened now. He didn't know Muggle music! And what song could change Voldemort? Probably some – what did the Muggles call it? Rape? Rap – that was it.
Noticing his expression, Voldemort went on, "Don't worry; I have the lyrics for you." He handed his loyal servant a sheet of paper. "You have the highlighted lines," he motioned toward the paper.
Wormtail only nodded. Then Voldemort did the worst thing possible – he turned on the CD player.
"Hi, Barbie!" Wormtail read.
"Hi, Ken!" Voldemort responded with a dazzling girly smile.
"You wanna go for a ride?" Wormtail asked. Uh oh.
"Sure, Ken!" Voldemort replied ecstatically.
"Jump in!"
And then Voldemort's solo came:
"I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere,"
That sounds very wrong, Wormtail thought disgustedly.
"Imagination, life is your creation."
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!" Wormtail recited in a husky voice. Hey, if he was going to make an idiot of himself, he may as well have fun doing it.
"I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation.
"I'm a blond bimbo girl in a fantasy world" Voldemort sang, very off-key.
Well, he got the bimbo part right, Wormtail thought with a small laugh.
"Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly"
Tight? Dear God, help me.
"You're my doll, rock'n'roll, feel the glamouring ring
Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky"
Oh, gross, Wormtail tried to resist gagging.
"You can touch, you can play
If you say: "I'm always yours", ooh wow
"I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere"
Wormtail sighed. This is pathetic. The world's most evil dark lord, singing about me – ME! – undressing him. But in his own twisted mind, Wormtail sort of liked the idea.
"Imagination, life is your creation.
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
"Ah ah ah yeah!"
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
"Ooh wow, ooh wow!"
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
"Ah ah ah yeah!"
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
"Ooh wow, ooh wow!"
"Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees."
"Come jump in, be my friend, let us do it again,"
Do what again? Wormtail wondered, then decided he didn't want to know.
"Hit the town, fool around, let's go party."
He was going to ask what Voldemort meant by 'fool around', but decided against it.
"You can touch, you can play
If you say: "I'm always yours"
You can touch, you can play
If you say: "I'm always yours""
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
"Ah ah ah yeah!"
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
"Ooh wow, ooh wow!"
Oh, please let it stop. I'm getting a headache.
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
"Ah ah ah yeah!"
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
"Ooh wow, ooh wow!"
"I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation
I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation"
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
"Ah ah ah yeah!"
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
"Ooh wow, ooh wow!"
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
"Ah ah ah yeah!"
"Come on Barbie, let's go party!"
Or not.
"Ooh wow, ooh wow!"
"Oh, I'm having so much fun!" Voldemort screeched in his best Barbie girl voice.
"Well Barbie, we're just gettin' started."
Dear Lord, I hope not, Wormtail thought.
"Oh, I love you Ken!"
Now Wormtail was going to puke. Seriously. He rushed out of the cave, clutching his stomach.
"Hey! Come back!" Voldemort yelled. "We were gong to do the Thong Song next!"
[Yes, I was going to do the Thong Song. (Thanks for the idea Malena! ; ' )) However, one day, my eight-year-old sister came barging into my room and was singing this just to bug me. I was like, "Lauren, get out of – that's brilliant!" ; ' ) ]