Tears
"Do you cry easily?"
It was a stupid question, in a stupid book that my stupid teacher decided was good for the class to read, except our teacher were the one to read it. Seriously you should think that he was the teacher for a kindergarten instead of a ninth grade, he enjoyed to read out loud, and my class didn't really have a problem with it, considering that it meant less reading for them!
It's not like I had the bigger problem with it, it was just because when questions like that popped up in a book I just wouldn't know how to answer it, and trust me my teacher always had an assignment afterwards, which meant that the few people in the class that actually did do their homework had to read the book, because it never stick's, at least not with me!
The reason I didn't know anymore was because of him, Shou Date! He turned my life upside down from the moment he stepped into my life. If the book had come earlier I wouldn't sweat it, because the answer would have been a simple no, but now I'm not sure I can say that, because every time I think of him, and who he is dating, it simply breaks my heart, and I am close to tears every time I think of him, but they never come out from eyes, and flows down my cheeks, and leaves a trace that you can follow, so you can't really say that I am crying. So I wouldn't know what to write, but if I asked Shou to help me, no doubt he would, but then he would think something was wrong, because I don't really need help on school matters, except for math, chemistry and physics, but never literature. I just wouldn't know where to begin or where to end!
I missed the rest of the reading out loud from our teacher, but I thought I will just read the book later, it can't be that bad. Then the teacher asked Shou to pass around some papers probably with the questions on it, he came to my desk and he just smiled his perfect smile, and winked at me because he knew that I could do this within the hour, I just smiled back and waved away the wink. I looked at it and quite right it said question nr. 14 Do you cry easily? I had guessed it would come, but I was still a little pissed, of course I could just lie, but then it would have bothered me until I had found out the right answer!
I was practically done, but I was still missing that stupid question, and it started to really piss me of, I would scribble something down, then I would turn my pencil around and erase it, of course Shou saw that, and decided to come to my desk
Is a question bothering you?
I answered him faster than ever.
No of course not Shou, I just down know how to write the answer down, but no worries here!
And I made a silly face, and he thought everything was all right and went quietly back to his desk!
But when I watched his back stepping even further away from me I suddenly felt this sharp pain in my heart, I couldn't breathe, I started to heave after air, but it felt like all the oxygen was suddenly gone, and it didn't even feel like I was drowning because I couldn't feel my lung's fill up with some kind of liquid, soon after that everything went dark, I remember some voices calling my name, but all I could see was Shou's back getting smaller and smaller before it would completely disappear!
I woke up later I not really sure how much later, I woke to feel a mask across my face and I could hear loud beep's, I could feel the presence of people, people I didn't know, except for a familiar presence, Shou's, I wanted to yell out to him, but something kept me from doing so, I was sure he would think I was a hypocrite, I don't know why I thought he would do that, but anyways I wouldn't say anything until someone found out I was awake, and of course was Shou sitting right beside me, so he quickly noticed I was awake, and asked if I was okay?, I just nodded and sat up, when I realised that I was in the hospital!
Shou sat on a chair just looking at me, I looked back, but when I couldn't take it anymore I asked him what was on his mind, he just shook his head and smiling one of his perfect smiles. Someone opened the door and saved us both for the awkward silence, he went inside the room and saw I was up, and walked over to the side of the bed, and started to talk,
Hello, my name is Dr. Tadashi Chiba, as I have already told your brother here, you had an anxiety attack, exactly what brought it on we don't know, but you seem to be fine now, but we would like to observe you for the night!
I just nodded, and I wasn't so surprised about the brother comment, because it wasn't such a big deal, we called each other that in front of people that just didn't know any better!
The doctor left and closing the door behind him, almost immediately after the door closed, I started to laugh in hope of removing the awkward situation that I knew would happen, unfortunately it absolutely didn't help! I was doomed, I decided it would be best to be quiet, before Shou would ask me too in a less proper way, I wouldn't want imagine what he was going to say, I could already see on his facial expression that he was thinking really hard, probably so that I wouldn't be offended!
Keisuke what were you afraid of?
I had no idea how to answer him without telling him my secret, I thought out every possible angle on how it would turn out, none of them ending happily!
Nothing, I'm fine! Really!
Was the answer I ended up with, knowing that it wouldn't end good, but I chose that one because that was the easiest one of them all to explain!
Fine? KEISUKE IF YOU WERE FINE YOU MOST LIKELY WOULDN'T BE IN THE HOSPITAL!!
I thought he would do that but I had to stick with it, there's nothing worse then being caught lying!
No I know, but I am really fine now Shou, I'm sorry for making you worry, being your best friend and all!
And after I said that I made my goofy looking facial expression, thinking it might help!
Your best friend... Tch...That's right I almost forgot! Please stop making that goofy face, when you know it's something serious!!
My face slowly turned back to normal, I kept thinking what he meant by that he almost forgot! I looked down on the blanket that was covering me, and felt like I had just been shot trough the heart, I had no idea what to say to that, I was completely blank!
Keisuke?...
Wha!!...
WHAT?! What is happening? Is our lips actually touching? My dream for so long is actually happening! NO WAY he is dating Yuri right?!... Mhm, just stop thinking and enjoy the moment, before he finds out what he has done!!!
I could feel he was about to terminate the kiss, I didn't want that, my dream to vanish before my very eyes, I hurried to cup his neck and pushing him down into a firmer, deeper and more fiercely kiss, so he definitely would get the fact that he shouldn't stop!
He went along with it for a while, then he took his hand and laid on top of mine as gently as possible, and removed it just as gently, he moved his mouth two inches away from my mouth, and kept holding my hand before laying it on top of his chest, I could feel his heart beating so hard and so fast almost as if it was trying to escape the safety of his chest, it was almost beating in rhythm with mine, except mine was a tad quicker!!
Keisuke, open your eyes and look at me, please?
On some level I wanted to, but yet if I did I would see it all returning to the way it was, I didn't want that, this way I could keep the image a little bit longer! I would've refused but his voice was so low and pleading, that I was sure if I said no he would break into a million pieces!
I opened my eyes as slowly as possible wanting it to last as far as it could, when they were open all the way, I looked Shou directly into his big shining blue eyes almost magical, and they could captivate anybody near them!
I am so sorry Keisuke!! I don't know what came over me, I have Yuri and all!! And you're my best frie-
Stop it Shou! I don't want to know, whatever you have to say, say it to someone else!!
I was in tears, for the first time they made it out of my eyes and down my cheeks, leaving that trail that I had been looking for so many times, the warm liquid flowing fast and steady down my cold cheeks!! I was retracting my hand from his chest, when it was suddenly caught in the air and brought back to his chest by his left hand! His right hand tilted my head towards him so he could see clearly, if I cried or not!! I tried to take it back but he had a firm grip and wouldn't let go!!
Keisuke please don't cry, it hurts way to much to see the crying face, of the person that have blown my heart away!! Do you understand what I'm saying Keisuke? I love you with all of my heart, and I am never letting go of you, you mean too much for me to just let it slip trough my fingers!!
Blown his heart away, slipping trough his fingers!! What does all this mean, he always just barely touched me, he barely said anything sweetish to me, and he was always though in front of people and me! How was I suppose to act, he had never said such things to me before!! I lifted my hand that wasn't occupied and started to try and dry my eyes! The tears didn't really stop flowing down my cheeks, but I had no idea on how the hell to stop them, it was so rare that I cried, but when I did start it couldn't stop!
No I don't understand what you're saying. You can't love me. I am me; Keisuke, the clumsiest, dumbest, most ignorant person alive, you always tell me that, and the way I behave is even worse, You always get me out of trouble because you have to, and you love Yuri! YOU CAN'T LOVE TWO PEOPLE THE SAME WAY, SHOU!
I shouted out to him, like I was angry at him, when I really was angry with myself! I despised myself at that moment! All the air in my lungs was gone, it was gone for a while, I didn't want to breathe, I wanted to die, oh how I wanted to die. Shou was telling me his feelings and I was shouting at him telling him it wasn't true. Who was I to tell him what to feel or what not to feel, the feelings I have had for so long being returned, why couldn't I just be happy and throw myself at him!
I looked at him for the first time, he was hurt, no wonder. But the pain in his eyes was so great as if I had just ripped out his heart and crushed it before his very eyes. I wanted to make him feel better, but all I could do, was sit there watching, as he was being devoured from the inside of his heart! My best friend is dying right in front of me!
I know Keisuke, I'm an idiot! I know I have no right to say that and expect you to understand it. I can understand if you hate me now, I deserve it. But if you will listen to what I have to say now, I will apologise and disappear I promise; I love you, I always have, I just didn't think you would approve of it! I mean I don't even approve of it, that's why I chose to be with Yuri, I didn't love her, no, I don't love her, I know it's unfair to her but I figured that I would grow to love her. But you were there, you always were. Every time I held her tenderly in my arms, my mind told me it was supposed to be you, which is why I haven't had sex with her yet I couldn't do it! I don't want her I want you.
Keisuke because you have listened to what I have told you, I don't have any reason not to fulfil my promise. I am truly and deeply sorry for the pain I have cost you, and it will never happen again! Goodbye Keisuke!
No don't go, you are saying what I want to hear, why are you leaving? STOP!! Why isn't my voice reaching him, why aren't I making a sound? What is stopping my voice, my reasoning? Do I truly want him to suffer like I have for all these years!? . I can't let him go I want to be held in his strong and tender arms, feel the warmth radiate from his skin to mine. I LOVE YOU SHOU! Don't leave me! Come on get from wherever you are hiding, whatever is holding my voice back let it go, I want him, I need him!!
I am sitting in the bed holding my weight with one hand on the side of the bed, and the other reached out to him, the love of my pathetic life. I'm slipping my hand is giving in to the strain I am putting on it, and the slick bedspread isn't helping. All I can see is the chair where Shou had just been sitting, and the floor is coming closer. I am closing my eyes afraid of the pain that will come from the impact, but a pain I knew I deserved!
I feel the tiles hitting my head, the throbbing pain, and the warm liquid slowly coming from my head! I smile because this isn't even nearly what I deserve! I can hear Shou calling my name! I raise myself slowly and see him hurrying to my aid again! He sat beside me and had a look of worry, I closed my eyes, and slowly stiffened Shou's cry of concern! I kissed him gently, but vicariously. I slipped my tongue trough his lips and into his mouth, exploring every inch of his mouth, and he does the same to me. Both reluctant to return each others lips but necessary, considering the blood that was slowly blending in with the kiss.
I love you Shou, I don't want you to disappear, I'm sorry, I am not mad, I'm flattered and in love with you! I can only consider myself the luckiest guy alive, I have the most amazing man on this planet, and I am about to make him disappear! Shou please forgive me I love you!! Please don't leave me Shou!!
Schh, it's all right Keisuke, I wont leave you, but I have to get the doctor, I can't have you dying on me, now we have confessed our undying love to each other! I'll be right back.
He picked me up bridal style, and placed me gently on the bed, I laid down from the chock of him not hating me, and the dizziness from massive blood loss. I stared out into the air not sure of what to think, my head was completely blank.
I'm tired Shou…
Was what I said before the world of unconscious overtook me. I heard no reply, I heard no voices coming to my rescue, but yet I had a smile on my face.